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J has always said he views it as his responsibility to mankind to make sure I never have any political power whatsoever. I’ll have that motherfucker imprisoned right after the election. | Fetch My Flying Monkeys
Everyone needs a fleet of flying monkeys to rip the stuffing out of the annoying people in their lives
— Laura

Since announcing my candidacy for President of the United States on Thursday I have been on the campaign trail and by “been on the campaign trail” I mean ”drunk.” While on the campaign trail I announced that George Clooney will be my VP, and by “VP” I mean “sex slave.” It’s a hard life in the political limelight, knowing people are waiting for you to fail, waiting for you to say the wrong thing, waiting to dig up dirt from your past and throw it in your face. But luckily I don’t give a shit, and besides, I’m relying heavily on my Free Bacon Plan to win over the majority of voters anyway. And as for how I, as President, will fix the problems our nation is facing today, I wrote a few things down on a cocktail napkin in between the blackouts and the dry-heaves I’d like to share with y’all now.

1. The poor and the homeless.  Pay-Per-View televised death matches. Two go into the ring, one comes out. The one who comes out gets paid handsomely with the money made from viewers. BAM! No more poor AND no more welfare.

2. The Deficit. We default on everyone we owe and them bomb the shit out of them, take their land, and then rent it back to them. Make them all our bitch. BAM! No more deficits.

3. All men will desire me. (This fixes no national problem – I just wanted to throw it in.)

4. Unemployment. In order to fulfill the free bacon need of the nation, there will be millions of pig farms and processing plants started. They will employ millions of people who will then be government workers whose wages will come from  the rent collected from all of the bitch nations. BAM! No more unemployed.

5. Bomb France.

118 Comments
 

118 Responses to J has always said he views it as his responsibility to mankind to make sure I never have any political power whatsoever. I’ll have that motherfucker imprisoned right after the election.

  1. wpdunn71901 says:

    bacon AND bombing the frenchies?
    damn girl, you make a persuasive campaign

  2. Sophia says:

    Sounds like a plan! Can I be in your Cabinet?

  3. Jennifer says:

    LMAO! You just keep winning my vote!!

  4. One Crazed Chick says:

    Don’t forget the more people will be needed to run the gin mills (goes well with bacon). Your plan may actually have more jobs than people could possibly fill

  5. Heather says:

    You’re just what this nation needs!

  6. “Bomb France.”

    Just because.

  7. Yabu says:

    I assume you’re also going to take control of South America, Central America, Mexico, Cuba, the Caribbean, and Canada. Think big. I want a high level position with a large staff. We’ll grow more tequila, rum, cigars, and llamas. I had a llama carry my clubs once. The ultimate golf cart / caddy. You’re going to need a Land Manager. I’m your man.

  8. Jess says:

    I wish to apply for Secretary of Inane Observations. I’d be good at the job and will guarantee all observations have no relevance to anything at all.

  9. January Snow says:

    I think “J” better get with the program….and start COOKIN BACON.

  10. BoneyButt says:

    If you’re already planning on taking over Central and South America, I do believe you could use the wee little for labor instead of importing from China. Provides more income for bacon and gin

  11. Larry says:

    Where can I pick up my yard sign?

  12. Richard says:

    Ah yes, bomb the cheese eating surrender monkeys and free bacon. How many times do I get to vote for you?

  13. The Nickster says:

    I would like to volunteer to be in charge of taser production. We would add to the platform (with your permission) “a taser in every house and a free car in every garage” (no thanks to Oprah)

  14. Meredith Burleigh says:

    Coffee spewed everywhere….but worth the mess!!

    Every single thing is brilliant….except bombing France. The Louvre, cheese, wine–I can’t get behind it, even though they hate us while totally owing us for not being forced to speak German, those Sonsabitches!

    LAURA FOR PRESIDENT!!

  15. Terri says:

    Chocolate and Bacon Cupcakes

    I stole this as a campaign contribution. heh heh : )

    Prep Time: 15 Min Cook Time: 25 Min Ready in: 40 Min

    Makes 2 dozen
    Ingredients
    12 slices bacon
    2 cups all-purpose flour
    3/4 cup unsweetened cocoa powder
    2 cups white sugar
    2 teaspoons baking soda
    1 teaspoon baking powder
    1/2 teaspoon sea salt
    2 eggs
    1 cup cold, strong, brewed coffee
    1 cup buttermilk
    1/2 cup vegetable oil
    1 tablespoon unsweetened cocoa powder, for dusting

    Directions
    Preheat oven to 375 degrees F (190 degrees C). Place bacon in a large, deep skillet. Cook over medium-high heat until evenly brown. Drain, crumble and set aside.
    In a large bowl, stir together the flour, 3/4 cup cocoa powder, sugar, baking soda, baking powder and salt. Make a well in the center and pour in the eggs, coffee, buttermilk and oil. Stir just until blended. Mix in 3/4 of the bacon, reserving the rest for garnish. Spoon the batter into the prepared cups, dividing evenly.
    Bake in the preheated oven until the tops spring back when lightly pressed, 20 to 25 minutes. Cool in the pan set over a wire rack. When cool, arrange the cupcakes on a serving platter. Frost with your favorite chocolate frosting and sprinkle reserved bacon crumbles on top. Dust with additional cocoa powder.

  16. Glen says:

    You should also take credit for bacon solving the Muslim problem. They will be moving away in droves creating a surge in the job market for travel agents.

  17. Jena says:

    Sounds LEGIT….. you got my vote future Madame President Ledford!

  18. SB Smith says:

    :-D
    I’m LMAO after just reading the title !…Gotta read it all now.

  19. SB Smith says:

    This will be so much fun !
    Better watch out for Jack and Tinks…they’ll have their own agenda – World Domination.
    *
    How is Tinks doing these days ?

  20. Fluffy says:

    Bacon for everyone! But, Beggin Strips for Jack; Dogs don’t know it’s not bacon! :)

  21. Kevin says:

    Bombing the frogs and bacon is the bomb. It is the circle of life.

  22. hotpants™ says:

    I would like Ryan Kwanten and Alexander Skarsgard as my personal sex slaves. I’m thinking I can ask this simple favor of you since we’re blog friends. You seem like you’d be a GIVING President.

  23. Canadian Bacon and Freedom Fries for ALL!

    And for the men, can you bring back those high-waisted jeans from the early 80′s ?

    Ya got my vote!

    wanderoke.blogspot.com

  24. CGHill says:

    Oh, and:

    6. Bomb France again.

    Just ’cause.

  25. Jan says:

    You had me at bacon! I want to vote for you so hard!

  26. harbqll says:

    I’m totally down with #3.

    Oh, and the rest of it, too.

  27. Nicki says:

    Well, if we want to be technical, Sarkozy actually grew Fwance some actual balls. He stood up to the renegade Algerians and Moroccans, and integrated France back into NATO military structures, so they weren’t getting a free ride under the US defense umbrella.

    Now, if we bomb Pakistan… and every nation ending in “stan,” really… now that’s a foreign policy I can support!

  28. Cappy says:

    It’s a deal if I can shoot the goddam FreeCreditReports.com pirate slackers.

  29. rdennis says:

    You know., I thought you were just spewing out crazy drunkin’ rants about running, but now that I see you are serious, you got my vote baby! I can see no downside to this. Can I be Secratary of Ag? And can we also go with the “hamburgers and steaks” for everyone also, along with the bacon. Heck, we’d get the Jewish vote I’m thinking! ‘Side, some of us just can’t raise pigs effectively but we can cattle!

  30. Jo says:

    What the hell is wrong with J? You are the PERFECT candidate!

  31. Can we change our national motto to: Fuck Oprah! ?

  32. Mrs. Who says:

    Bomb France?????!!!! FINALLY, the leader we have been waiting for!!!

    And can I be head of the Department of Education? One of the graduation requirements will be that students must come up with new recipes using bacon. Or gin. Or circus peanuts.

  33. Nicole says:

    You can count on at least three votes here. More if my disguises work.

  34. Untbunny says:

    I will pay you handsomely er…contribute to your campaign well if you throw out every damn illegal and make everyone here for more than one month speak English when in public! To hell with bacon, I want to understand what everyone is saying.

  35. Jeffro says:

    Dang – I was thinking to please not bomb the French too hard – I’m kinda fond of their wine. Bomb the shit outta Paris and make ‘em pay their reparations in wine, I say.

  36. dickiebo says:

    Can I be your U.K. representative? Please!

  37. LeeAnn says:

    Let me know before you bomb France so I can liberate all the brie. It doesn’t irradiate well.

  38. Dave says:

    Here’s an idea for your campaign. Upgrade more crimes as capital offenses and enforce the death penalty. Rapist, stalkers, child molesters, and telemarketers. Make sure all trials are televised and let the people vote, like on Survivor. Let them choose their method of death, or spin the wheel at sentencing.

    Do it quick. No long appeal process. Not decades on ‘Death Row.’ Fuck that.

    And, once a month, do pay per view execution specials on TV. Get the guys that do color commentary for wrestling, monster truck rallies, and MMA cage matches to do commentary on the executions.

    Make sure they do a wonderful magazine piece on each criminal detailing their heinous acts to work up the crowd, then pull the fucking switch and watch them fry on LIVE HD!

    Put all that money back into the prison system and law enforcement, and you have a WIN!

    • Laura says:

      Oh yeah. The only “Death Row” will be where they’re lined up waiting for their televison segment. But I did get kind of a nervous twitch there when you mentioned “stalkers.” Ha!

  39. I’m putting in a bid for the Pay-per-View contract.
    Here’s my offer:
    A lifetime supply of gin and circus peanuts served personally by Chris Helmsworth who will also bash stray WHORES with Thor’s hammer at your behest…hey, just to keep George in line.

  40. [...] want solutions–Laura Ledford has all these other sonsabitches beat cold. And when I say cold I mean Bin Laden’s hagfish riddled corpse on the abyssal plain [...]

  41. patti says:

    corgi puppies in PJs :)
    I’ve been busy campaigning for you!

  42. I’m the least political person you’ve ever met. I also am not up on current events. Why do we hate the French? They gave us french fries, didn’t they?

  43. Jess says:

    Maybe you can leave a few egg farms? I love a bacon and egg sandwich on some mornings.

  44. amanda says:

    Yes! more pig farms means more pig ears for the doxies. I’ll rehab the goats if Yabu will send some rum my way.

  45. Damien says:

    Number one sounds like the hunger games. I’m down I love all of it

  46. KrazyBker says:

    Ya got all three of my votes!
    (I live in Illinois, I’d git ten votes if I wuz a dhimmi-crat)

  47. Mark12A says:

    Hemingway said that all the world’s problems could be solved with a three-day open season on people. Use that in your first SOTU.

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