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The only thing I’ve heard from the presidental candidates is “I can beat Barack Obama” so I’m throwing my hat into the ring. | Fetch My Flying Monkeys
Everyone needs a fleet of flying monkeys to rip the stuffing out of the annoying people in their lives
— Laura

 

I’ll not only kick his ass, but I’ll make y’all a free bacon sandwich or give you a coupon or some shit afterwards. So vote for me, motherfuckers.

117 Comments
 

117 Responses to The only thing I’ve heard from the presidental candidates is “I can beat Barack Obama” so I’m throwing my hat into the ring.

  1. Yabu says:

    You’ve got my vote. Waitin’ on the Double L, Deadeye Red for president.

  2. Underground Carpenter says:

    Hi Laura,

    Finally, someone worth voting for! Do it!

    Dave

  3. Jennifer says:

    LMAO!!! I’ll vote for you especially if I get to watch the cage fight!

  4. Heather says:

    I noticed that’s all they were saying too. I will vote for you. I like bacon too.

  5. One Crazed Chick says:

    And gin!! But even without the gin, I’d vote for ya

    • Laura says:

      I figured most people voting for me will be on some heavy-duty psychological medications and they really shouldn’t be drinking with them. Bacon sandwiches are safer. And cheaper.

  6. It’s about time someone bribed the voting populace with a handout. /sarc.

    Still, that’s brilliant! I’ve been asking the GOP what they’ve got that’s gonna beat “free stuff!” and not a single one of them came up with “Bacon!”

    Count me in.

  7. January Snow says:

    I will not only vote for you, I will donate BACON to the campaign. YEAHHH BACON!

  8. Jess says:

    I’ll bring a folding chair, although I might have to steal one from a church. They’ll understand. It’s for the children, and bacon.

  9. The Nickster says:

    put Oprah as your running mate and you have my vote…just as soon as I get my free car and sandwich(s).

  10. Michelle J says:

    Yay! Vote for bacon…errr…I mean Laura!

  11. Bacon?!?!? Awesome!!! Throw in some gin and circus peanuts and I’m there.

    Need some opposition research or dirty tricks? The last campaign I worked on has connections…

    http://cbullitt.files.wordpress.com/2011/12/1.png

    No one does voodoo like you do, Laura.

  12. Can I have ham instead of bacon?

  13. Larry says:

    Yep, I’m on the bandwagon. Bacon is always a good campaign platform.

  14. Jan says:

    Outstanding! Finally, someone to vote FOR instead of always having to vote against the bigger loser. Mmmmm, bacon…………………..

    Here’s a hysterical story for you. Too bad it probably wouldn’t work on J.
    http://thebloggess.com/2011/06/and-thats-why-you-should-learn-to-pick-your-battles/

  15. Lizzybeth says:

    You get both of my votes! You with a bacon bribe, er I mean enticement have more to offer the country than those other flip-floppin’-bitter-back-biting-lyin’-money-grubbin’-sumsabitchin’-RINOs! I will bring the chair and help make your awesome costume (made out of bacon???)

  16. Sherri says:

    You have my vote!! I’ll help you make the bacon sandwiches (easier to sneak a piece now and then). I even have some bacon in my freezer that I’m willing to donate for the cause.

  17. Tim says:

    Bacon for the next 4 years. You got my vote!

  18. Fluffy says:

    Yes, of course I will vote for you… several times. :)

  19. SB Smith says:

    You’ve got my vote !
    What Appointment will you give Jack ?
    :-D

  20. FallGuy says:

    My standard everyday internet search for the keyword “BACON” brought up your website: You seem scrappy, and with a chair, I like your odds! We here in Colorado will support you, and we prefer Applewood smoked, but really, any bacon is good bacon!

  21. Kevin says:

    Best campaign slogan I ever heard. It will be a landslide. Just think of the mandate you’ll have.

  22. Liz says:

    I’ll vote for you on one condition:
    Every time you do some sort of speech, you must hold up a rendering of yourself (doing something cool) and talk behind that.

    I need that because I assume that you’ll be too busy to blog when you are President. I won’t miss your renderings if you use them at your speeches!!

  23. Would you be our first soulless ginger president? Cos I can dig that.

    Also, you don’t need a folding chair to whoop up on Barry. Just knee him once or twice in his vagina and he’ll cry like a baby.

  24. Shane Cranford says:

    Ms. Laura, you may be on to something. This is possibly the most civil string of politically related posts I have seen across the entire internet. You are a unifier of the People! (Baconaise on mine please)

    • Laura says:

      Ha! Baconaise it is!

    • SB Smith says:

      I think Shane is correct about this being the most civil string of politically related posts on the internet!
      Speaking of bacon – I accidently bought maple flavored, wood smoked bacon, thinking it was maplewood smoked. Not bad if you don’t mind your bacon smelling like you made pancakes, also.
      Made interesting baked stuffed jalapenos. Stuff (scraped) jalapeno halves with cream cheese, then wrap with bacon. Bake at 425 for 25 minutes. Longer than 25 min. if you want the cream cheese browned and the bacon done a lot more.
      To Die For.

      • SB Smith says:

        Of course, bake those on a heavy duty foil lined sheet so you don’t have any clean up !

      • Laura says:

        Ooo Imma gonna make those. Thanks.

        I am not a maple flavor fan. In fact, it’s probably one of my least favorite food flavors on earth.

        • January Snow says:

          Yes they are great…We do those too on the grill in the summer or in the oven in the winter but we put a little cocktail weinnie in the cream cheese and then wrap the bacon… yummmmmmy!

          • SB Smith says:

            I like to use those big huge jalapenos. You can make stuffed jalapenos with so many decadent things they become comfort food.
            They aren’t very hot these days. Out of 10 halapenos, there will be only 2 or 3 that have any noticeable heat.
            If I’d noticed that one time that the bacon label had said maple Flavored, not maplewood smoked…I probably wouldn’t have bought it. I have used applewood smoked and that’s awesome !

  25. Jena says:

    I would vote for you!

  26. Nicole says:

    Definitely at least one vote from me. I might even go register the cats so they can vote, too.

  27. patti says:

    Bacon sandwich?! I’m in Laura for Prez!

  28. Jayne says:

    You had me at bacon.

  29. Erinyes says:

    I’d pay good money to see you beat that metrosexual’s sorry ass. Something tells me he’d like it.

  30. Cheryl Lundgren says:

    I’d vote for anyone who’d make me a bacon sandwich. Since asking someone to prove who they are when they vote seems to be rude, I can totally sign myself up as six other people and give you 7 votes if I can have a bacon sandwich for each one.

  31. Erinyes says:

    You got the dramatic and cat versions, here’s our version:

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gvjbLYXnQmE

  32. Jeffro says:

    At long last the national nightmare is over, and we now have a candidate that we can support in good faith, knowing the future and the security of our nation is in good hands.

    Laura Ledford for President! Hell Yeah!

  33. Bacon sandwiches?! You’ve got my vote.

  34. Nicki says:

    You’ve got my vote.

    I was going to run too, since I’m not Obama, I’ve got better breasts, and I could kick his ass without a folding chair, but I wasn’t born in this country, and we’d have to repeal the natural-born citizen requirement.

    Oh yeah… bacon.

  35. Don says:

    Finally someone I would happily endorse!

    I’ve linked this post at my blog. If you need a chairman for your Kentucky campaign, I’m your dude.

    Laura for Prez!

  36. Janie Jones says:

    You have my vote, and 2,769 of my imaginary best friends. And, if you let me stump for you at my blog you can probably pick up some half dozen or so more from my non-national friends, cuz their votes should count too, right? Better have those bacon sandwiches ready!!!

  37. Elphaba says:

    You’ve got my vote.

  38. North says:

    Such a good idea, I’ll make YOU bacon. Ask NOT what bacon Laura can make for you, but what bacon you can make for Laura.

    And ask “crispy or chewy” when you do.

  39. zonker says:

    I’m pretty sure that cage match would end up looking like this…

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lNfnR4wucRU

    I’d totally throw a chair into the ring in exchange for a bacon sammich.

    BTW – do you need a Grammar Czar? Haha! Just kidding. Yes. Yes, you do.

  40. CGHill says:

    Finally, a candidate worthy of our consideration.

    And may the Lord remember those pigs who gave their lives in the struggle. (Because they were delish.)

  41. DogsDontPurr says:

    Off topic here:

    re: That link on your sidebar: “Rescue”

    Um, yeah. That happened not too far from my neck of the woods. She was driving a BMW and got rear ended by a semi-truck. He went over the rail, she got smooshed real real bad. The truck driver died, but last I heard, everyone in the BMW survived. Possible critical injuries, for sure…but still.

    I drive an ancient BMW (my Beastie!), but I always say you could roll off a cliff in this thing and survive. Your sidebar link proves it. Sadly.

    Think good thoughts for everyone involved.

  42. Mark12A says:

    Sounds an awful lot like “redistribution of bacon” to me. Are you planning on confiscating bacon from those who work hard and are blessed with an abundance of bacon? I don’t mind if you’ll give it to some jihadi…

  43. I don’t like bacon…usually. Just the other week I had maple and brown sugar bacon crumbled up on the salad. That was good. Although I’m not sure there was actually bake in the maple sugar chunks.

    Can you throw in some free ice cream? No? I’ll vote for you anyway.

  44. Carlosito says:

    I have recently made a mistake in my life, and I offer my story that
    you may learn from my error. It all started, as many things do, with me
    having trouble shitting. No, I was not constipated; this was not a
    regularity problem but a matter of technique. It seems my ass hair had grown
    to such a length that tiny grogans were constantly getting tied up in the
    matted jungle between my asscheeks. It led to much frustration, with me
    KNOWING that I still had something to drop, but unable to shake the
    tenacious turd loose from its butthair dwelling. Eventually I would have to do one
    of two things: either reach down with some paper and try to pinch off the
    lingering loaf (which required careful precision to avoid smearing
    the creature all over my rear, especially since I had no way of seeing
    what I was doing) or just go for broke, start wiping, and hope that I could
    remove all the leftover fecal matter before the toilet paper reached its
    Can’t?Be?Flushed threshold.
    I was contemplating this problem, when I had what seemed at the time
    to be a bright idea. “Hey, this is my butt and my butt?hair, right? So
    why don’t I just eliminate all the hair, and then my grogans will flow
    out like beer from a keg!” I said to myself. It is a statement that will go
    down in history with a lot of other regretted statements: “How many Indians
    could there be?” said by General Custer; “Looks like a good day for a drive!” said by JFK.

    Such was my anal shaving idea. I performed the operation that night, with a cheap disposable razor and a towel to sit on. Starting from the bottom, and shaving from the
    crack to the cheeks, I began the arduous process of ridding my ass of hair.
    Occasionally, I would have to clean the razor of accumulated hair
    and miscellaneous slime, which I did by wiping it on the towel. Slowly,
    my twin mounds and the between?ravine began to resemble the hairless
    cheeks of a newborn babe. Finally, I wiped the razor one last time, and
    surveyed my work. The towel was covered with a pile of hair. My ass was smooth
    as ivory. I smiled, satisfied, thinking my troubles were over.
    Little did I know. I now have a great respect for anal?hair. Like everything in this
    world God created, it has its mighty purpose in existence. It was only
    after I had removed it that I started to learn how much I had been taking it
    for granted. For one, it provides friction. I learned this the next
    day,then I walked out into the sun heading for class. After climbing two
    flights of stairs and starting to sweat, I started to notice something
    unpleasant. The sweat was accumulating in my crack, and was causing the
    unpleasant sensation of my two asscheeks sliding past each other with every
    step. I thought about going to the bathroom and wiping it off, but had to
    get to class. Eventually, I thought, it would dry. Unfortunately, it did
    dry, but only after mingling with the microscopic shit?molecules
    lingering around my brown starfish.

    When I stood up after class, my cheeks were stuck together with a
    slimy sticky shit/sweat combination. As I made my way back to my dorm, it
    started to itch. DAMN, did it itch! Felt like a swarm of ants was
    making its way up and down my crack. Fighting to keep from jamming my hand
    down there and scratching away, I rushed back to the dorm.
    Unfortunately, this exertion caused me to sweat, and when I finally
    reached my room, my cheeks were sliding back and forth against each other
    like a pair of horny cane?toads. I quickly dropped my pants, and attempted
    to dry my ass off by sticking it in front of a fan and spreading my cheeks.
    As I pulled the two mounds of flesh apart, a horrible stench burst free
    and filled the room. Every dog within a 4 block radius started to howl.
    I had it worst of all, as the ripe aroma of festering shit/sweat went into
    the fan and blew back into my face. I fought to keep from heaving. And
    as I sat there, fighting vomit, my ass cheeks spread and dripping, with
    the concentrated aroma of my body odor mixed with the tangy smell of my
    own shit blowing right into my face, I had only one thought: “It will
    be like this until the hair grows back. Weeks.”
    Later on, trying to deal as best I could, wiping my ass at every
    opportunity, I discovered another wonderful use for ass?hair ?
    ventilation. I attempted to launch a fart, only to have it get stuck between my
    asscheeks. Apparently, with no hair, the two pink twins can get
    vacuum sealed together, and the result was a frustrating fart that slid up
    and down between my cheeks like a lost gerbil.
    And as if that wasn’t enough, I am now enduring further torture. As
    anyone who has ever shaved anything knows, when hair is first growing in,
    it comes in as stubble. Imagine your ass having the texture of a brillo pad.
    Well, that is what I am dealing with now. It is a hellish torture, and
    there are many times when I just look out the window and contemplate why I
    shouldn’t just jump out and get it all over with in one fleshy splat, rather
    than endure this constant agony.

    Friends ? DON’T SHAVE YOUR ASS?HAIR!

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