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Reality TV always makes me feel better about my life. | Fetch My Flying Monkeys
Everyone needs a fleet of flying monkeys to rip the stuffing out of the annoying people in their lives
— Laura

I was missing for a few days NOT THAT ANYONE NOTICED because life was getting hard and by “life was getting hard” I mean all I wanted to do for two days was punch some bitches in their faces. Seriously, I was all ragey and pissy and I really don’t like to write when I’m all ate up with hate. No, when I’m all ate up with hate I like to lie on my couch and watch back-to-back episodes of Teen Mom 2 that I have recorded on my DVR. I don’t know why, but this calms me down. Well, that and about four gin and tonics. And poor J. When I’m all pissy I call him and just spew all the rage I feel and be all hormonally insane and shit and he listens to me all calm and sensibly because the man is like a fucking Nazi robot saint and then that starts pissing me off so I usually turn on him like a rabid dog. An example of my lunacy was when I called him yesterday and his exterminator guy was there and while I was talking to him I heard the exterminator guy in the background talking. 

“Who in the hell is that guy talking too?”

“Me. He talks continuously the entire time he’s here.”

“Well tell him to shut up, that you’re on the phone.”

“Nah. I just let him ramble.”

“But it irritates me. Set the phone down and  say ‘Listen motherfucker, I’m on the phone, so stop talking unless you’re going to tell some fucked up, gross, wild bug story that my girlfriend also wants to hear. If not, shut the fuck up.’ Do it. I’ll wait.”

“Laura, I’m not going to do that.”

YOU. DON’T. LOVE. ME.” *click*

Then I watched Jenelle and her mother, who has legal custody of Jenelle’s kid from last season because Jenelle never stayed home and just wanted to smoke pot with her friends, get into a fight because Jenelle bailed her boyfriend Keifer, who’s not even her baby’s daddy and doesn’t even have a job or a place to live, out of jail after having him arrested in the first place for pushing her in a drunken argument and I felt all better.

68 Comments
 

68 Responses to Reality TV always makes me feel better about my life.

  1. Holiday says:

    I am so sure that EVERYONE notices when you’re gone. Just glad to see you’re feeling better.

  2. Tink says:

    Have you ever thought about getting a punching bag? It would be a great stress releiver and would quench your thirst for punching some bitch out….

  3. Tad says:

    It’s the chemicals…The guy is looney from the chemicals.

  4. Jennifer says:

    LMAO! OMG girl, I get all crazy and filled with hate too and rage on my hubby. I need to watch Teen Mom 2. LOL!

  5. Heather says:

    Poor J! lol (I still laughed.)

  6. Larry says:

    So now J is the patron saint of robots? Go J!

    And I did notice you hadn’t posted, but nobody was asking for bail yet so I figured you were out covertly assassinating someone.

  7. It could be worse. You could work in retail. . .

  8. Hoody Hoo says:

    I didn’t notice you were gone because I was also gone, having been completely drained of blood at the doctor’s office. I think they’re selling it on eBay.

  9. Yabu says:

    Never turn your back on an Exterminator. People who kill bugs for a living can’t be trusted, and they talk to themselves. They become their prey.

  10. Oh, we noticed you were gone, and we figured why, so we left you alone.

    I don’t mind living dangerously, but I don’t have a death wish ;)

  11. QueenBee says:

    You could get a punching bag and draw a body on it then tape a face to it… change it every time you are mad at a different person and punch them in their virtual face. You would develop great upper body strength and the real Bo’Bs would have another reason to envy you!
    J sounds a lot like Redbeard… unflappable in a way that can get annoying! Sometimes I try to make him mad just to see if I can!

  12. jena says:

    I assumed u were back to ur online courses. Are u done with that? Poor J. Lol. Very funny today.

  13. Lisa says:

    I noticed. And raged. Then decided to experiment on making a “circus peanutini”, no luck. Maybe you could perfect it?

  14. Every person should have a reproduction blocking chip inserted at birth. Then you should have to apply for a license to reproduce. No license, No babies! On Welfare, the chip gets inserted back into your body! And, I do no believe Casey Anthony was date raped…Will the media EVER stop talking about this crazy Biznatch?! And exactly WHO the hell let the Octo Mom get 12 embryos inserted, did that doctor not know the odds of that? FUCK! Yes, I was listening to HLN this morning again.

  15. We just don’t have that great stress relievers as we used to have. These new cell phones and portable land line phones just can’t give us the satisfying and forceful downward pressure of a stressful and purposeful hangup of years gone by.

    I mean really. I can’t slam down the handset on a cell phone. How am I supposed to let you know how pissed I am when I take my dainty pointy finger and gently press the off button?

    wanderoke.blogspot.com

  16. Jan says:

    Well damn! Now my life looks all rosy and normal and shit. Awesome!

  17. Fluffy says:

    Of course I noticed! I kept checking back through out the days! I figured “What can I do? I’ll just keep checking.”

  18. Sherri says:

    Of course we notice when you’re gone!! How would you like us to express our concern?

    I was getting all crabby at work but I couldn’t tell anyone that it was because I goof off every morning reading the best blog on the planet and she hadn’t written anything for days.
    (Thank God you aren’t blocked for some reason!!)

  19. cricket says:

    I’m feeling the pissy. It was from having to take a placement test for education. I really suck at math. It was humiliating. I started watching Black Books (Netflix) to counteract it. I think you’d get a juice out of it. Your kind of like a female version of Bernard. I think you’d like him. He drinks wine all day and throws people out of his shop whenever he feels like it.

    I can provide a note for absences if need be.

  20. Jan says:

    Just watched the thing about the swimming dog. OMG that poor baby! So glad he made it back to his family.

    • Laura says:

      I KNOW! Sweet baby was so scared he was going to swim to the other end of the world! I am so glad that guy was there and picked him up out of the water. So sad that he lost his momma though.

  21. I’ve only seen pieces of it, but Hoarders makes me feel like I’ve got my shit together. Or rather, I didn’t keep too much of it.

  22. Erinyes says:

    damn – I’ve been defriended by you on FB…

    • Laura says:

      Wha?? I haven’t defriended anyone! See if you can add me again. Or email me the name you’re using.

      • Erinyes says:

        You done disappeared from my FB account – I thought it was something my in-laws saidin a recent FB fracas. Can’t trust those people! Abad Don, but I’ll shoot you another request.

        • Laura says:

          I have had other people say that before and I swear it’s not me de-friending. FB hates me apparently and doesn’t want me to have any friends. It’s like Becky Schmidt after I went out with a guiy she liked in high school all over again. Ha!

  23. rdennis says:

    Hey little missy whiny pants, don’t come crying to me about not caring! I care, it’s just that you only post ever few days so I only check on you every few days. go back to daily posting a miss a day or so and I will SO be here for you, baby! J, poor guy. Tell him to come visit me and I will pat him on the back, take him horse back riding, let him catch bass in the big dam and generally let him have some guy fun! :P

  24. Jeffro says:

    J really sounds rather cool and all. Really.

    He’d have to be in order to match your brilliant self – just sayin.’

  25. I totally understand the rage days. I have those regularly. Hubby is a saint also. Except when he doesn’t do what I say. YOU WIN.

  26. Jamie says:

    Missed you! Once again I read your post and thought what great friends we would make. I too watch Teen Mom 2 and feel better about my life – that and Maury. I’ll never have a kid, but if I did – I’d damn well know who fathered it!

    • Laura says:

      I would still sue George Clooney for child support.

      Do you also like “Say Yes To The Dress?” I LURVE that show. If you do, we can be new BFFs.

  27. Handflapper says:

    Isn’t that Janelle just a little piece of work? A total train wreck. She always makes me feel better about myself.

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