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If this past week is a preview of how the year will be, I really wish the Mayan calendar would have ran out sooner. | Fetch My Flying Monkeys
Everyone needs a fleet of flying monkeys to rip the stuffing out of the annoying people in their lives
— Laura

While driving to Target this past weekend my car made a loud metallic banging sound as I ran over something on the highway. This is the conversation that occurred at the time to the best of my recollection:

J: “What’s that noise?”

Me: “A sniper.”

J: “What?”

Me: “I’ve heard the sound before. I think a sniper’s been tailing me.”

J: “God you’re weird.”

Me: “You do know I am using you as a human shield, right? Now sit up straight, motherfucker.”

 

Now here’s a picture of Jack because people have been asking about him:  

That is him doing one of his favorite things, stealing a water bottle.

80 Comments
 

80 Responses to If this past week is a preview of how the year will be, I really wish the Mayan calendar would have ran out sooner.

  1. Yabu says:

    I caught Stretch hauling ass with a bottle of Gatorade the other day. Maybe if we have another Katrina type thing, we can get Jack and Stretch to snatch us some beer. Just a thought.

    • Laura says:

      HA! I bet we could! Does Stretch steal shit out of the fridge if you stand with the door open? Jack grabbed a stick of butter once on the bottom shelf and I chased him for 10 minutes while he swallowed it down. Later as he was crapping outside he realized he made a mistake…but, of course, would do it again in a heartbeat.

    • amanda says:

      My doxie goes for the milk! He’s also particularly adept at knowing which containers are left-overs and pointing. He’s not big on booze so I don’t think I’ll ever be able to get him to fetch that unless he sees a natural consequence that involves lots of food.

      Love Jack’s collar btw.

      • Laura says:

        Jack will raid the fridge of anything on the bottom shelf if I’m not careful when I open the fridge door.

        That collar was one of his birthday presents I bought in a fancy dog boutique in Charlotte NC. I spoil him, and he just doesn’t care. Ha!

  2. One Crazed Chick says:

    and what are you putting in his water bottle????

  3. Jennifer says:

    LMAO!! It’s a good thing J likes you! lol

    Jack is so cute!!!!

  4. Heather says:

    LOL!! Jack is getting gray!

  5. Princess says:

    Good Lord, that H2o bottle looks bigger than him…. “j”…. God bless ya!

  6. Tea says:

    I wonder if J will ever just stop asking you for all of the answers and come up with his own logical conclusions.

  7. Jess says:

    His expression says: Shit! Not only did she catch me, she has a photo.

  8. So Jack is like a St. Bernard, only he would save himself first, right?

  9. The Nickster says:

    You tase J and strap him to the seat with a bungee cord…probably two (don’t want the head wiggling around all bobble-head stylee). These are not hard things. I should write a book…you can do the preface.

  10. Rita says:

    I’m wondering. Did I miss the episode where Crazy Betty was killed off and buried in pieces in your backyard? Because we haven’t heard about her for a long time.

  11. CGHill says:

    You might subtly hint to J that there’s enough space behind the average automotive heat shield to store an “adequate” quantity of C4. Do not tell him what is considered “adequate.”

  12. Fluffy says:

    Once, I was in the audience of a comic, who asked me what I did for a living. I said “Sniper.” and he didn’t have any quick comeback jokes for that. He just kind of went “Whoa! Ok, moving on!!!”

    Also, seeing how cute Jack is, makes me want a Dachel! :)

  13. If your friends won’t let you use them as human shields, they’re not really your friends.

  14. Sherri says:

    Is Jack hoarding water because he knows the drought is going to last until the world ends in Dec? (we have a burning ban in place right now…we normally have MOUNDS of snow by now)

    Animals know these things so I’m wondering if I should start stocking up.

    Any type of liquor counts since it’s a liquid, right?

  15. patti says:

    Gus loves water bottles too – well, Diet DP bottles, and 2 liter bottles, paper towel tubes, toilet paper tubes, and the absolute mother load? a three foot long wrapping paper tube!

  16. Liz says:

    I’m very dissapointed in J. He should automatically be sitting up straight to shield you from snipers. What the hell is wrong with him? HA!

    PS – Jack is so cute. You need to give him lots of hugs and kisses from all his fans here.

  17. I was wondering where my water bottle went. It appears Jack seen enough Star Trek episodes to figure out how to build a transporter. Jack, old pal, I’d like to discuss a business proposition with you……banking business wink,wink.

  18. One of my dogs loves tissues. I had a cold while I was at my mom’s house over the holidays, and I found shredded Kleenex everywhere. There’s a whole sub-genre of dog toys that involve empty bottles. Jack is very cutting edge.

    • Laura says:

      The sad thing is Jack is so destructive he can only have indestructible toys which bore him. So I supervise his destruction and take them away before they become lethal to him ie he swallows pieces that can get lodged.

  19. Gary says:

    I try and check your blg site daily…you always make me laugh…that is a real talent ..

  20. Jena says:

    J needs to do a comedy tour. You are prime material!

  21. DearSweetMama says:

    My Little Rudi also loves the water bottle – to the point that as you drink he sits there growling and giving you the evil eye. “Yo – give me the bottle, bitch!” He also raids the recycling bin.

  22. Rita says:

    Just read this on fb and for some strange reason you immediately popped into my head:

    that moment when you walk into a spider web & suddenly turn into a karate master

    Happens to be the best of us….

    Any reason I would think of you?

  23. Glen says:

    The Mayans don’t know shit. If the end of the world was coming the snipers would be all sittin around going..”Gimme another Dos XX’s dude. Did you see that girl jump when I shot her muffler?? Ha ha ha…”.

  24. Abad Don says:

    Snipers don’t make noise…kinda runs contrary to the whole point of the exercise…

  25. SB Smith says:

    Now you just need to get Jack to go into the banks and pour on the “cute” and run out with bundles of 100 or 500 dollar bills.
    I have a photo saved from online of a Retriever with a bundle of 100′s in his mouth and it says “Best Retriever Ever”.
    I’m sure Jack can do better….go for the 500′s bundle !
    :-D

  26. That unfortunate dog’s body has eaten his legs. Do something!

  27. diane says:

    Man I love your wiener!

  28. Larry says:

    I just drove through SC a couple of days ago but I didn’t get shot at. I brought my dog, so I had my wiener. Well, half wiener half poodle.

  29. Tink says:

    **Larry…. I am so very curious what a half wiener/half poodle looks like! I cant picture it.. I cant stand the suspense. can we get a picture? I’ll bet he/she is fricken adorable…. And what is it called? a wee poo or a poo we.. WHAT? I have never heard of this combo… Plezzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz..

  30. Kim says:

    Jack and Dot could do serious damage here. Dot gets everything on counters as well as below. This morning she fancied a Burger King ketchup packet. Dontcha love their shit-eating sideways slinking glances?

  31. cricket says:

    J better listen. That secret sniper got me at a Colorado Family Fun area. I got out of the go carts and BAM, went down like a Christmas tree in December. It had nothing to do with the fact that I had traveled, really tired and not enough food in me. Lucky for me, my gigantic shoulder bag blocked the shot. I got up and walked away straight to some food.

    He followed me home and tried to get me at a Wendy’s parking lot and a discount store parking lot. That shit really gets around.

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