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Mistaken Identity. | Fetch My Flying Monkeys
Everyone needs a fleet of flying monkeys to rip the stuffing out of the annoying people in their lives
— Laura

I have some Spanish neighbors that live across the street from me who always smile and wave when I see them. I always smile and wave back but I truly always wanted to yell “Hola!” to them like I see people do on television and in movies but thanks to J, who makes fun of any foreign language or accent I attempt, I’m pretty self-conscious about speaking any foreign language in public. All this changed Christmas Eve when after drinking a few gin and tonics I went out to my car to get something and I looked across the street just as my neighbor was walking to his car. I threw caution to the wind, threw up my hand and yelled “HOLA!”  He smiled, threw up his hand and said “Hello! How are you?” I thought for a second and I yelled “Beuno! Beuno!” I. Was. On. Fire. I started thinking that maybe I’d move to New York and get a job at the United Nations as a translator.

I then quickly blurted out ”Feliz Navidad!” just like in that song. He said “Merry Christmas!” I just kind of stood there thinking while he stood beside his car. I was all out of Spanish because my gin-soaked mind could not come up with “adios” and all I could think of was #5 from my favorite Mexican restaurant, ”chimichanga” and I knew that couldn’t be right. He stood there waiting, because I’m pretty certain I had my mouth open like I was going to say something and then it hit me- WAIT. Is he even Spanish?! FUCK NO. The Spanish people live in the house beside him!

So I said “Umm, okay, goodbye” and quickly turned and ran into the house. Later, I told J what had happened and he laughed and laughed and laughed. I told him that it wasn’t funny, that they probably now think I’m insane and J was all “No Laura, you mean they now think you’re LOCO.” And he laughed and laughed and laughed.

81 Comments
 

81 Responses to Mistaken Identity.

  1. Guaman says:

    Somehow I was blessed and stumbled on to your website. After a month or so, and checking the old stuff, I passed the url off to my sick bastard friends.

    Your writing is a joy to experience, Please keep tapping they keys.

  2. Erinyes says:

    Next time call him a pendejo. It means “my very good friend”. Honest.

  3. Jennifer says:

    LMAOOOOO! I would have liked to have seen that!

  4. Heather says:

    Hey, where’s that French song you promised to record on here?! LOL!

    • Laura says:

      Trie story- I d/l the song to my iPod thinking I would learn it after a few plays. Well, that wasn’t about to happen, so I googled the lyrics thinking I would read them as I sang. THAT was impossible.

  5. One Crazed Chick says:

    I hate when we mix up the neighbors like this. I’d say J was wrong for laughing at you like that but that’s exactly what I did when I read it! Good thing you didn’t yell out Chimichanga!

    • Laura says:

      Now I’m hungry.

      He’s always laughing at my screw-ups. Nazi sonsabitch.

      • Terri the Terror says:

        Better chimichanga than pendejo. I love this blog. You are one fucking hilarious, gutsy broad. This said with all respect from one broad to another because “chicks” are prissy girls in my book.
        P.S. You spelled adios wrong. We know these things in San Diego. ;-)

        • Laura says:

          SEE! I FAIL at foreign language in every way! (And I’m not too good with English.) And thank you. Now stop making me jealous that you live in San Diego.

          • Terri the Terror says:

            I naively assumed my comments of where I live had became a joke. Honestly, while it’s got some pretty scenery and the weather is usually nice, there is a long list of the not so great too. However, whenever you next visit, a night of all the gin you want is on me and some silly fun friends!

          • Laura says:

            I LOVE San Diego. Every place has bad stuff…except if you have a baby goat and gin.

  6. Yabu says:

    Usted es El Jefe Padrote. Por lo menos no dijo feliz tamal.

  7. Hoody Hoo says:

    J is a Nazi. A BILINGUAL Nazi.

  8. Todo el mundo sabe como hablar espanol,menos tu. Tu vecino fue entretenido para verte dar un paso. Me imagino que ya tienes que estudia un poco para que sepas lo que los demas hablan de ti.

    And remember: “miserable” Mee-say-rah-blay, doesn’t mean what you think it does. Heh.

  9. Rayos! estudiaR.

    Demasiado temprano y me falta la segunda taza de cafe.

    Feliz Navidad, de todos modos.

  10. Jess says:

    I think you’d make a fine U.N. translator. If the people we deal with have a good understanding we’re all crazier than bat shit, they’ll know they better watch their step.

  11. jazz1013 says:

    I bet your neighbor expected no less than a good laugh from you.

    Feliz Ano Nuevo, Laura! (Happy New Year, Laura!)

  12. I took 5 years of Spanish, and you can speak more than I could. I should be taking notes.

  13. Sue Dunham says:

    I’m with J. I laughed and laughed.

  14. Fluffy says:

    I did something like that, too! I ran out of conversational spanish, so I just started saying lyrics from La Bamba. –Oh the laughs! (they just stared at me)

  15. QueenBee says:

    We have friends at church that are from Mexico…. when we go out to eat, he tells the server to split the check down the middle… half to the pink people and half to the brown people! He told me not to eat Mexican food in a restaurant unless the server doesn’t speak good English too! Chances are your neighbors are laughing- not calling the funny farm!

  16. Jeffro says:

    Meh. Taco, enchilada, burrito, tostada, flan, Corona, Cuervo, Spanada, taco salad – that’s all the Spanish ya need.

  17. jena says:

    Roflmao… Im laffing with u. Honestly

  18. I was hiring this lady once and in just speaking with her a bit I deduced that English was not her first language so without asking I gave her the Spanish new hire paperwork. She was from the Philippines and spoke Tagalog or something. I felt like such a fucking dillhole. Also, I totally want a chimichanga now.

  19. cricket says:

    I was told by a lady of middle east descent that Spanish speakers who come into the place she works start speaking spanish to her and she doesn’t know a lick of it. Dark eyes, dark hair, you know? After I calmed down from laughing because it is so ridiculous I told her what little I know. I know enough Spanish to tell her how to say “I don’t speak Spanish. Do you speak English?” She knows Arabic and started laughing herself. She said “Habla” (sp?) is “crazy” in Arabic. So to her she would be saying “No crazy Spanish. Crazy English?”

    I LOVE chimichanga’s. Haven’t had a decent one in years. The only restaurant I can find it at can’t seem to get them right anymore. Now I want one really bad.

  20. Bob in Cincy says:

    I think you would would be awesome as a translator because you know the universal translators. (9mm, .45 etc.) In fact they would probably forget translation and put you right into problems resolution.

  21. hotpants™ says:

    I can’t blame J for laughing. This is hilars.

  22. Nah, now you’re the worldly, sophisticated multilingual neighbor. Who’s also a little bit awkward.

  23. Fluffy says:

    Just be careful you don’t stumble on the word chimmichanga and accidentally say chingada!!! ;)

  24. Mrs. Who says:

    Ummm…no offense, and I mean this in a totally nice way….but if they didn’t know you were loco until now, then they’re just stupid. Just don’t flash your chi-chis at them…

  25. Tink says:

    The only thing you need to know is cerveza and ginebra… you’ll be fine

  26. Nicole says:

    Spanish makes me hungry.

  27. untbunny says:

    Hell, you should get in good with the Mexicans across the street. If there is one truth it’s Mexicans can PARTY and hard! Drop by one friday after work with a few XX’s or Corona’s and by Sunday you would swear Jesus has shown up to multiply the loaves and fishes and turned water into wine!

  28. Swamp Dog says:

    Oh man, that was so funny I almost peed my pants! Happy New Year! If I wasn’t so lazy I would have googled that to say in Mexican!

  29. Elphaba says:

    Seriously. Nazis think they are SO clever…

  30. The Nickster says:

    I learned a long time ago not to “Drink and Speak”…that will get the law on your ass.

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