Warning: Creating default object from empty value in /home/jimstant/public_html/fetchmyflyingmonkeys/wp-content/themes/platformpro/includes/class.layout.php on line 164

Warning: Creating default object from empty value in /home/jimstant/public_html/fetchmyflyingmonkeys/wp-content/themes/platformpro/includes/class.layout.php on line 167

Warning: Creating default object from empty value in /home/jimstant/public_html/fetchmyflyingmonkeys/wp-content/themes/platformpro/includes/class.layout.php on line 170

Warning: Creating default object from empty value in /home/jimstant/public_html/fetchmyflyingmonkeys/wp-content/themes/platformpro/includes/class.layout.php on line 173

Warning: Creating default object from empty value in /home/jimstant/public_html/fetchmyflyingmonkeys/wp-content/themes/platformpro/includes/class.layout.php on line 176

Warning: Creating default object from empty value in /home/jimstant/public_html/fetchmyflyingmonkeys/wp-content/themes/platformpro/includes/class.layout.php on line 178

Warning: Creating default object from empty value in /home/jimstant/public_html/fetchmyflyingmonkeys/wp-content/themes/platformpro/includes/class.layout.php on line 180

Warning: Creating default object from empty value in /home/jimstant/public_html/fetchmyflyingmonkeys/wp-content/themes/platformpro/includes/class.layout.php on line 202

Warning: Creating default object from empty value in /home/jimstant/public_html/fetchmyflyingmonkeys/wp-content/themes/platformpro/includes/class.layout.php on line 206

Warning: Creating default object from empty value in /home/jimstant/public_html/fetchmyflyingmonkeys/wp-content/themes/platformpro/includes/class.layout.php on line 214

Warning: Creating default object from empty value in /home/jimstant/public_html/fetchmyflyingmonkeys/wp-content/themes/platformpro/includes/class.layout.php on line 215

Warning: Creating default object from empty value in /home/jimstant/public_html/fetchmyflyingmonkeys/wp-content/themes/platformpro/includes/class.layout.php on line 217

Warning: Creating default object from empty value in /home/jimstant/public_html/fetchmyflyingmonkeys/wp-content/themes/platformpro/includes/class.layout.php on line 321

Warning: Creating default object from empty value in /home/jimstant/public_html/fetchmyflyingmonkeys/wp-content/themes/platformpro/includes/class.layout.php on line 321

Warning: Creating default object from empty value in /home/jimstant/public_html/fetchmyflyingmonkeys/wp-content/themes/platformpro/includes/class.layout.php on line 321

Warning: Creating default object from empty value in /home/jimstant/public_html/fetchmyflyingmonkeys/wp-content/themes/platformpro/includes/class.layout.php on line 321

Warning: Creating default object from empty value in /home/jimstant/public_html/fetchmyflyingmonkeys/wp-content/themes/platformpro/admin/class.options.metapanel.php on line 56

Warning: Creating default object from empty value in /home/jimstant/public_html/fetchmyflyingmonkeys/wp-content/themes/platformpro/admin/class.options.metapanel.php on line 56

Warning: Creating default object from empty value in /home/jimstant/public_html/fetchmyflyingmonkeys/wp-content/themes/platformpro/admin/class.options.metapanel.php on line 56

Warning: Creating default object from empty value in /home/jimstant/public_html/fetchmyflyingmonkeys/wp-content/themes/platformpro/admin/class.options.metapanel.php on line 56

Warning: Creating default object from empty value in /home/jimstant/public_html/fetchmyflyingmonkeys/wp-content/themes/platformpro/admin/class.options.metapanel.php on line 56

Warning: Creating default object from empty value in /home/jimstant/public_html/fetchmyflyingmonkeys/wp-content/themes/platformpro/admin/class.options.metapanel.php on line 56

Warning: Creating default object from empty value in /home/jimstant/public_html/fetchmyflyingmonkeys/wp-content/themes/platformpro/admin/class.options.metapanel.php on line 56

Warning: Creating default object from empty value in /home/jimstant/public_html/fetchmyflyingmonkeys/wp-content/themes/platformpro/admin/class.options.metapanel.php on line 56

Warning: Creating default object from empty value in /home/jimstant/public_html/fetchmyflyingmonkeys/wp-content/themes/platformpro/admin/class.options.metapanel.php on line 56

Warning: Creating default object from empty value in /home/jimstant/public_html/fetchmyflyingmonkeys/wp-content/themes/platformpro/admin/class.options.metapanel.php on line 49
If nothing else, this blog has allowed me to continue to upgrade my ticket to Hell. | Fetch My Flying Monkeys
Everyone needs a fleet of flying monkeys to rip the stuffing out of the annoying people in their lives
— Laura

Christmas was an explosion of gifts, food, and booze, lots and lots of booze. My liver has about five days to recover and then I throw it under a bus again for New Year’s Eve. But that’s okay, I read once that your liver is the only organ in your body that can regenerate itself and since God made us with regenerating livers he must want us all to drink. So if you love God like I do, you’ll drink. And remember, the harder the liquor the quicker to Heaven, which is because your liver will eventually fail from all the booze, which means God actually wants you dead. Damn. Now I’m confused. I guess I should one day read the Bible instead of making shit up to suit my lifestyle. 

Anyway, I wanted to show you what my friend Richelle got me for Christmas:

YES! UGG "Classic" BOOTS!!

I love my friend Richelle and not because she gets me Ugg boots for Christmas. No. I love her because she makes me laugh every time I talk to her. Like just today:

Richelle: “Girl, I was talking to John the other day and you know he’s a physical therapist, right?”
Me: “Yes.”
Richelle: “Well he told me how much he’s making at (blank) and it’s killer moolah.”
Me: “Eek, I don’t care how much they make; you do know they have to touch strangers right?”
Richelle: “I don’t have that stranger-danger-Rain Man ‘oh my god, people have Ebola and Wapner’s on at five’ phobia thing you have.”
Me: laughs
Richelle: “Besides, I wouldn’t have to touch them much anyway.”
Me: “Yes you would. You’d have to help them exercise and shit.”
Richelle: “For exercise I’ll just have to touch them once when I shove their asses to the floor and scream ‘NOW GET UP, YOU PATHETIC MOTHERFUCKER!’”

 Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a prayer meeting to attend and by “prayer meeting” I mean a gin and tonic I need to finish. God is love. I love gin. God is gin. Amen.

62 Comments
 

62 Responses to If nothing else, this blog has allowed me to continue to upgrade my ticket to Hell.

  1. Jess says:

    For some reason, after laughing all I can think of is:

    Amen!

  2. Jennifer says:

    LMAO!! I want to join your church! LOL!!

    I LOVE those boots!!! I want a pair!! I just have some cheap knock-offs : (

  3. Heather says:

    I have to remember to stop drinking my coffee when I read your blog. lol

    Those are some nice-ass boots!

  4. Joe The Blog Stalker says:

    “I guess I should one day read the Bible instead of making shit up to suit my lifestyle.”

    Clever girl.

    I hope you had a great Christmas. It looks and sounds like you did.

  5. DogsDontPurr says:

    I don’t even know where to begin here. I think I’ll have to come back later. I may need more gin….wait…what time is it?

  6. Tink says:

    Richelle is a good friend… and you two make a great pair. much like your UGGS. Good friends are awesome.. and scarce. It is very special to have each other. Now.. back to that GIN!!! Glad you had a great day.

    • Laura says:

      Okay, you do know we’re not lovers, right? HAHA! (Not that there’s anything wrong with that.) And yes, she is a good friend and yes, those are hard to come by.

  7. Tink says:

    Yes, I definitely know you are not lovers.. HA! But you are definitely two peas in a very fun pod.

  8. Rita says:

    Well you DO know that PT’s also get to torture people, don’t you? I’m talking REAL torture, not that silly waterboarding type. Those guys are just mean and then they laugh while the tears run down your face and then charge you an arm and a leg, IF they have left you with an arm or leg that actually works.

    But as to that touching thing. Ugg (not the boot kind). I’m there with ya. I hate touching people. But I suppose it’s better than a dental hygenist. Can you imagine flipping rotten stuff out of complete strangers’ teeth?

    Now I’ve gone and made myself sick.

  9. Hoody Hoo says:

    I am officially converting to whatever religion follows The Book of Laura… and my Physical Therapist was mostly of the “Get up, motherfucker” variety. Which made me happy, ’cause Hoody don’t do touching.

  10. Yabu says:

    UGGs are cool boots, really they are, not that I know much about it. The Juju Woman likes ‘em, so I’ll take her word for it. You really should start a splinter church in the New Town. The Church of the Poison Mind, or something like that.

  11. CGHill says:

    After knee surgery some years back, I was rotated through several physical therapists, every one of which had a PC-based Pulling The Wings Off Flies Simulator.

  12. jazz1013 says:

    Hey, I’ve never really taken to organized churches, but your’s sounds like the type of church in which a person could really do some good deeds. How about mission work saving wayward hot vampires or George Clooney-types?

    Very nice Uggs, too.

  13. I read this post at around 4 AM. I laughed so hard at Richelle I couldn’t comment at all.

  14. cricket says:

    Does it get cold enough there for UGG boots? If not you better get something for the smelly boot rash. Rabies on the foot. It can happen.

    If Richelle would like to go into the Occupational Therapy field, please tell her not to cuss at the old people. They call up their children to complain after the therapy sessions. Although they like the complaining, the children do not. Hrm… on second thought, maybe she should add a word or two. I would like to be a thorn in the side of the children in the future.

    Happy New Year, I hope the peanut butter bar recipe was a success. :) As for booze, I can’t look it in the face right now. I used and abused it more than I like and it won’t take my calls anymore.

    • Laura says:

      HAHA! It gets cold enough for boots about 2 months out of the year. The other times I wear them when I travel to colder climates, which hasn’t been much lately- but the boots may change that ” I MUST GO TO ALASKA! I HAVE THE BOOTS!” Like that.

      Happy New Year to you!

  15. SB Smith says:

    Great boots. I bought some black ones for myself earlier this month. Sooo warm and my feet don’t sweat – which amazed me. I wear those short, thin, sneaker socks with them.
    *
    If God is to be found in a liquid or food, it’s dark chocolate or Teuscher Chocolate Champagne Truffles.

    • Laura says:

      Did you get Uggs? Because mine don’t sweat in them either.

      God is in gin and right now I think Jesus is in limoncello.

      • SB Smith says:

        Yes, 2 weeks before Christmas I bought myself 2 pairs of Uggs. One pair is black and the other is the color yours are but the style is a little shorter. I like Schweppes diet Tonic Water just like it is. My parents liked Gin and Tonics (so do I) and Schweppes was always around. The diet version is sweetened with saccharin, which has been on the market so long it’s been cleared of causing any problems, unlike aspartame and others.

  16. Diana says:

    Man, I was just wishing I had a reason to take up drinking, I’ve been meaning to, and now I have one! It’s because of God!

    Thanks Laura!

  17. Nicole says:

    Silly Richelle. People do so have ebola. And even if they don’t, you don’t know where they’ve been. It’s only common sense not to touch them.

  18. Mrs. Who says:

    Posts like this one are why I always sprinkle myself and my keyboard with holy water before clicking through to your site…

  19. Teresa says:

    I’m working on making my liver regenerate all the time… a new liver is a better liver… right? BTW – Awesome gift.

  20. [...] at Fetch My Flying Monkees has upgraded her ticket to hell. As a bonus, go here for her disturbing post that is JUST WRONG, [...]

  21. Sheri O says:

    Jesus’ first miracle was turning water into wine. Which is proof that God wants us to drink. Amen!

  22. Pug Mahon says:

    I love my liver. My last physical revealed that my liver was totally cool with all the booze I’ve accidentally ingested over the past twenty five years.

    I celebrated with Evan Williams, the bourbon of the gods.

    Gotta go. My bride dropped 435 matches, and I have to count them and put them away.

  23. llama says:

    Your friends are shining examples of compassion and empathy. I’ll drink to that.

  24. The first few levels of Dante’s Inferno doesn’t sound all that bad…….Heck, the boots would even come in handy on the second level of hell……

  25. Yeah, if you’ve ever had to go through PT,it feels about that compassionate. This made me ell-oh-ell.

  26. amanda says:

    You know, in the Catholic Church the 27th was the annual blessing of the wine. And I mean all the wine and alcohol, not just what’s used in Church services. Yes, God wants you to be happy.

    I am also not into having a job where I need to touch peoples- I think I’d rather be a trash collector than a massage therapist.

  27. DogsDontPurr says:

    I know this is off topic, but you have a link on your sidebar to a 19th century whiskey bottle: Pure Old Panther Piss. My family actually had a bottle of that stuff! Ours was in a bottle that looked sort of like cut crystal. It was passed down through our family until I finally got it. I sold it in my antique store with a warning sign: Not Suitable for Drinking.For Display Only. And believe me, it was NOT suitable for drinking. I actually tasted it…and it’s a miracle I’m still alive! Ack!!!

  28. LeeAnn says:

    If god is gin, then Jesus is vodka.
    I don’t know why that sounded better in my head. Bugger.
    More research is necessary.

Leave a Reply to CGHill Cancel reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

*

You may use these HTML tags and attributes: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <strike> <strong>