Everyone needs a fleet of flying monkeys to rip the stuffing out of the annoying people in their lives
— Laura
I think we’ve all agreed before that dreams are bullshit and no one really cares what you’ve dreamt about. I think we’ve all also agreed that blogs are for posting bullshit; so why not dreams?
Last night I dreamt I was walking through the woods and happened upon a cabin. It wasn’t spooky or anything so I knocked on the door and Ryan Gosling opened it.
I was all “Oh, hi Ryan Gosling.” And he said “Hey.” I looked down and there was a raccoon climbing up Ryan Gosling’s jean clad leg biting him. “Is that your raccoon, Ryan Gosling?” “Yeah. Would you like to come in?” he said. I looked closer at the raccoon and it was all fucked up crazy looking, with runny eyes and a snotty nose and drool falling out of the side of its mouth. “Fuck. I think your raccoon has rabies, Ryan Gosling.” “Yeah, I was afraid of that.” I told him he had better get it off of his leg and he walked out of the house past me, still with the rabid raccoon on his leg, and he set it in a cage that was sitting next to a set of garbage cans.
“You’d better go to the hospital and start on some rabies shots, Ryan Gosling.” I said as he walked back towards me. He said he would, but he needed to change his clothes first and he invited me into his cabin while he changed. I was all “Okay” and I walked in and he went back in what I supposed was a bedroom and then he came out all shirtless and hot like in that one movie he was in with Steve Carell and he said “Want to make out?” and I was all “Umm, HELLS. YEAH. But you have rabies so I’d better not, Ryan Gosling.” He shrugged and picked some car keys off of a table and said he was going to go get his rabies shots and I thought for a minute that maybe I’d risk rabies, make out with him, and then go get the shots too but then the fucking alarm went off before I decided. I bet I would have.
P.S. A woman died from rabies this week here in South Carolina. They say she “may” have been bitten by a bat. I think she “may” have made out with Ryan Gosling in a dream. It’s like that thing where if you dream you’re falling and you don’t wake up before hitting the bottom you die for real, except if you don’t wake up before making out with Ryan Gosling you get rabies for real. So my alarm clock saved my life, but not really because my body is always racked with rabies, just not that fucked up-crazy-foaming-at-the-mouth kind. I think I still would have risked getting the fucked up-crazy-foaming-at-the-mouth kind of infection though. I’m pretty much a celeb-whore in my dreams. Shut. Up.
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59 Responses to Rabies ruins everything.
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All I want to know is what happened to Rocky?
He’s still all rabid and shit in that cage!! Probably DHEC would pick him up.
I would have risked the rabies too! LOL!
For reals.
LOLOLOL! HELLS YEAH I’d make out with him!
Especially in dream world.
I LOOOOVE the way you always call celebrities by both their first and last names in your dreams! And around here, there’s a special day to put out rabid raccoons with the trash — otherwise the guys won’t pick them up.
Apparently celebs don’t have to follow any protocol. Entitled sonsabitches.
Hell, I would have done Ryan Gosling!
HAHA!
Ryan…wash my truck and haul some wood and put your F’n shirt on…it’s cold outside.
HAHA! And paint my house!
Fuck’n A. It is so hard to get good help.
Happy Happy Eve of Christmas Eve….Can I have Ryan Gosling under my tree this year?
Sure, after I’m finished and busy getting vaccines.
Happy Eve of Eve whatever!
Your Dreams are fantastic yet a little scary. AWESOME!
Mostly they’re weird.
I am baking and baking and baking. I hope I am so freakin tired tonight that I dream about having hot monkey sex with someone fabulous.. you would think my “Imagination” would be able to do this. but alas I sleep. I sleep and no dreams come… I envy you.
Well, I never really get to the hot monkey sex part of the dreams. Something is always stopping me, like rabies or they’re gay. Much like how in real life retraining orders stop me.
I think our subconcious minds stop the best part to prevent any incriminating evidence if someone happened to be filming while we sleep.
Which happens a lot when National Geographic is in town.
I never have sex dreams. It’s alway “Oh, you never graduated high school and now you have to go back, even though you’re 36!”
I only have “almost “sex dreams.
Christmas Rabies is okay, Laura because the Herald Spider venom–to which you’ve built up an immunity much like Iocaine powder–counteracts it.
For everyone else, gin and circus peanuts is the recommended therapy by 9 of 10 fake TV doctors.
Merry Christmas.
http://cbullitt.files.wordpress.com/2011/12/santa-cthulhu-large.jpg
HAH! Merry Christmas!!
this dream would have been better with zombies. A taser would have added a nice touch…kinda like a cherry on top. FACT.
Everything’s better with zombies and tasers.
I had a dream about GOJIRA, so the whole making-out thing was a no-go.
Oh that’d been a nightmare.
I would love RALPHIE to come visit me in my dreams… Damn he” HOT!
He’s got nice eyes doesn’t he?
I cannot make out with Ryan Gosling. His eyes are too squenky-small. This is why I’m holding out for any random anime guy, with the giganto eyes and antigravity hair.
I once dreamt I was in a cartoon. I was in Bedrock. Luckily I didn’t make out with anyone.
Gosling has a better body than face. And only in roles he’s worked out for. He’s never been on my Imaginary Boyfriend List, which , of course doesn’t exclude him from make out material in any way.
I had a bizarre dream. There was these nests of alien slugs that crawled into your mouth and u eventually died…. Long story short. There was a house that had weapons but no bullets and a cat dropped a slug at my feet. I killed it with a sword, the slug. So i enter a room and a kid is hiding in it and my thought was i could let her burn in the house or shoot her. I shot her since she was an unknown element and i didnt know if she was infected. Got her between the eyes.it was all done in 3 seconds do she didnt suffer. Gotta love drug induced dreams. Im sure i will get flack for that.
Girl, you need to go lay down and dream some more. Ha!
(I edited those drug-induced typos as much as I could too. HAHAH!)
Lol. Thr typos are also from posting on my phone. It is easier to backspace than to manuver the arrow. Lol
Understandable. I reply a lot on my phone and typo like a motherfucker.
He’d do in a pinch. Agreed, better bod than face. Is that the equivalent of BUTTER face for women? BUTTIS face?
Happy Holidays!
He’s a Monet…look better from afar.
Happy Holidays to you too!
Damn that rabies !!!
DAMN IT TO HELL!
This reminds me of a Christian Bale dream I had. I blogged about it. I’m too lazy to go look it up though.
RYAN GOSLING IS WAY HOT. I would have risked getting rabies FO SHO!
That’s why God made vaccines.
Oh, Jesus, Laura…I’ve got plenty of raccoons in the woods behind my house…so all I have to do is catch one and I have Ryan Gosling bait? I didn’t have to be running around nude yelling out his name? What wasted time…
HAHAH! Girl, put some in some traps by your garbage cans and wait for Ryan.
I’m obviously out of touch. Who in the fuck is Ryan Gosling? You can do better than that…Damn, he had some sort of goo in his hair. Bad Bad Juju, that is.
I can’t help who I dream about! I still would have made out with him.
I just want to wish you and J and all your children (Jack, Thelma, Herman and Tinks) a very happy and healthy New Year and a very Merry Christmas. HO HO HO HO !
Thank you and I wish you and yours the same!!
I would risk Rabies for the chance to make out with Ryan Gosling.
Me too honestly.
Was Gosling talking about fonts?
Just asking.
HAHAH! That’s great! And weird.
Well now that i know you’re having weird almost sex dreams about Ryan Gosling i guess it’s safe to tell you that i had dream about your Boo the other night….and his dog Einstein. They were both very friendly!! You must get the January issue of Esquire…he’s on the cover.
Okay, having the dog in it made it really weird. Like, really weird. Ha!
In my dream that’s how we met…LOL! He and Einstein were coming out of The Carlyle and the dog got away from him and ran down the block & right into me!! Dogs are an excellent icebreaker in social situations in NYC…REALLY!! I actually know guys that borrow dogs to take to the park on the weekends to meet girls…LOL!
Oh okay, because you had me worried there for a few minutes.
I think Jack would be a MAJOR guy magnet!! You should bring him up for a visit.
He is the complete opposite of a guy magnet. He’s vicious acting.