Everyone needs a fleet of flying monkeys to rip the stuffing out of the annoying people in their lives
— Laura

Sorry I’m so late posting my holiday wall pictures. I ran into a snag when someone took it upon themselves to hide the spider because ”spiders are not Christmas.” Then, after I located the spider, I was called into my manager’s office and asked how I intended to use the spider in my artistic vision. When I told her that the spider would be a  Herald Angel standing over little baby Jesus heralding his arrival, with perhaps some web coming down over the cradle, I was told I couldn’t do that, that I couldn’t use a baby Jesus in my display, that some people might be offended. So according to the Bunch O’Bitches not only are spiders not Christmas, neither is baby Jesus.

Ticky Tacky Christmas Wall.

The spider was still an angel, with a halo and wings.

So angelic.

And he still heralded a holiday message.

Yes, that's mistletoe on his ass.


106 Responses to Hark! The Herald Spider Sings!

  1. Jennifer says:

    I love it! Those bunch O’Bitches are just jealous of your talent!

  2. Heather says:

    LOL! Your Holiday Wall is always fantastic no matter what the spider is up to!

  3. Benny says:

    The Mistletoe….OMG.. the Mistletoe is fantastic. says it all!

  4. Jess says:

    I think there’s something profound to be written about the acceptance of a spider angel, but not the baby Jesus. I guess I’m missing something, but at least they let you use the spider.

    One other thing: Whoever hid the spider is an ass.

  5. Progd says:

    Your Christmas wall is beautiful. You are really very talented,
    the B-O-B’s are missing so much by stifling you and your talent.

  6. MAX a MIL says:

    Will you marry me?

  7. Tudi says:

    I love it. can you please come to our office.I know I ask u every year, but you should have a Holiday contest and who ever wins, you go to their office and decorate for them.. yeah! Contest! your the prize……

  8. Tink says:

    Absolutely love the Mistletoe.. nuff said!

  9. llama says:

    Just keep an eye on that spider. I have no doubt your office enemy would consider taking it hostage as a pawn in their unwinnable feud with the righteous Mailroom Sheriff. Sure they have offered a truce – that may have just been to lull you into a false sense of security so you relax and let down your guard. People who know they can’t win will always turn to desperate measures to score points against their opponent. If you don’t keep watch, the spider might go missing and be held for ransom.

    Have a plan in place just in case. Liberate something from them that you could hold hostage – just so you are prepared. Be alert then kick ass.

    • Laura says:

      Never fear, there is a plan. All I’d have to do is malfunction the snack machines for one day and they’d all go suicidal. (Insert maniacal laugh here.)

  10. Hoody Hoo says:

    Take that, Bunch o’ Bitches! The Holiday Spider WILL NOT BE DENIED!!! Next year, may I suggest the Spider PORTRAY the forbidden Jeebus?

  11. SpiderDefender says:

    Since there was no room in the inn and the only place to give birth was in a manger, and there was no housekeeping in the manger, I’m pretty sure there were loads of spiders there. I still say he should be hanging from the ceiling looking down on baby Jesus! After all, aren’t spiders God’s creatures too?? Just sayin

    • Laura says:

      I am pretty certain there were shitloads of spiders in the manger too. I would suspend the spider…but I’m pretty certain someone would complain.

  12. Jo says:

    I want to see the transcript of the conversation between you and this manager.

    And the mistletoe is truly a touch of genius. Again with the genius? I could get a complex here.

  13. Rita says:

    Maybe you could add a picture of Madalyn Murray O’Hare. (I was gonna say Muhammad, but I was afraid they’d issue a fatwa on me, or you.) PC Police SUCK.

  14. Argentium G. Tiger says:

    Hi Laura, found you via Fountain Abbey, and instantly added you to my daily list of sites to visit.

    I love your Christmas decorating. In the same spirit, I offer you some music to go with it to further bend peoples’ minds:

    Youtube: ’9 Days of Judgement’ by The Crooked House Male Voice Choir

    If this tickles your fancy and you want more like it, search for a site called the “H.P. Lovecraft Historical Society” (HPLHS) and check out their two Solstice Albums (under the ‘bazaar’ link):

    “A Very Scary Solstice” and An Even Scarier Solstice.

    They’re what I play at the office every year. *heh*

    • Laura says:

      Welcome! And HAHAHA! I love it! I have to play that at the Christmas party this year. I will first learn the words and sing along of course. Thanks!

      • Argentium G. Tiger says:

        I’m delighted you liked the song! Here, I located the lyrics out there for you (These are getting hard to find…)

        The Nine Days of Judgment Lyrics

        Holy crap, they have the MP3 of that song at the bottom of that page! Grab it, grab it now before it dies the horrid death of link rot.

        Also: My eldest daughter was singing along to the The Twelve Days of Christmas at her High School, and of course she was using the Judgment lyrics. From the lad next to her: “What are you singing?!” She just grinned at him and kept singing.

        She’s definitely my spawn.

  15. Mr. Bingley says:

    I think you could have the spider suspended above as the guiding star that led the wise men to the birth. And use the web to illustrate the ‘beams of light’ shining down from the star.

    In fact the Aramaic words for “star” and “big-assed spider” are very very similar and have caused scholars all sorts of confusion down through the ages.

    Trust me.

    I’m edjumacated.

  16. jena says:

    I luuuurrrrvvvveeesss uuuuu!!!!!

  17. And how is baby Jesus not part of Christmas? And I would bet hard cold cash that there were spiders in the stable. Reality just escapes some people. Love the mistletoe. “Give Spidey a kiss”!

  18. QueenBee says:

    Your artistic talent will not go unappreciated for long! That Bo’B are just lacking in imagination….. I’ll bet Jesus loves spiders!

  19. Little Brown Baby Socialist Jesus loves all of his Father’s creatures including the BOB’s.

    On a side note, how do you get a gift for a kid who’s father owns everything? The guy’s loaded, right?


    • Laura says:

      Well, if you look at my archives. T-Rex teleported George Clooney and me back in time to the manger and we brought disposable diapers.

      And then as an adult we brought him a turtle.

      (I can’t find ‘em for you ’cause I’m on my phone- an iPhone)

  20. Jen says:

    Beautiful! Almost as beautiful as my dinosaur nativity (hope this link works):


    (I didn’t have a pterosaur to stand in for the angel, so I had to use an Aliens action figure.)

  21. Fluffy says:

    It is Christimas tradition to kiss a spiders’s ass. Merry Kissmyass, Bo’Bs! :)

  22. Sherri says:

    LOVE the mistletoe placement!!! It made me realize that I shall have to sew a sprig to the back of my pants for the office Christmas party. And then make sure I keep pointing my rear toward the office assholes.

  23. Terri the Terror says:

    Kiss my spidey ass.Love it!

  24. hotpants™ says:

    Heck yeah, it’s officially Christmas!

  25. Mrs. Who says:

    Get a black Christmas tree with spider babies hanging on it…Christmas is about birth and all, right? Share all the spiders (black widows aren’t considered Christmasy, so you’d be okay with the PC Police) with those BoBs…no one could say you’re not a giving person…

  26. Argentium G. Tiger says:

    As I sit here in my own cubicle at work, annoying the whiners at your workplace is an amusement that simply must be enjoyed.

    Therefore, I invite you to cite this German/Ukrainian folk-tale as “Prior Art” and thus perfect justification for the presence of your Nativity Spider:

    The Legend of the Christmas Spider

    If they bitch further, use this as an opportunity to accuse them of not being supportive of multiculturalism, in the hopes that they’ll have a hemorrhagic stroke on the spot. (I’m assuming they didn’t grant your purchase order for a full size wood-chipper to use as a paper shredder, so this will simply have to be the second best alternative to going all Fargo on their unworthy asses.)

    Oh, and if Christ isn’t supposed to have anything to do with Christmas, why is the name Christmas?

    Bunch O’Bitches, indeed.

    • Laura says:

      Great spider story! I printed it out and gave it to my manager. I sure did. I was all “See! A spider does belong with Christmas.” She stared at me blankly. I’m putting a copy in everyone’s mail slot too. I’m the sheriff, I can do that.

      Man oh man, sometimes I envsion the power to make their heads explode with a thought, but a stroke is cool too. Now I’m dreaming of a wod chipper for Christmas…

  27. cricket says:

    have to get going so real quick… LMAFAO! There isn’t any festive greenery there though. I like your rebellious nature and fear for George Clooney when you get him. I insist that the spider be a part of the nuptials.

    Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!

    • Laura says:

      The spider will be going to Vegas with George and me! I want to marry there with an Elvis impersonator officiating the ceremony and a Michael Jackson look-a-like holding a monkey in a tutu witnessing.

      Merry Christmas to you!!

  28. Liz says:

    Misteltoe on the Spider’s ass. This is the best Christmas (minus Christ, thanks to the BoBs) decoration yet.

    ‘Nuff said.

  29. Donna says:

    Love it!! Someone sent me this and I thought of you:

    Merry Christmas!

  30. Teresa says:

    Oh goodie! I managed to get myself over here in time to see the Christmas spider! My holiday is now complete. Thank you!

  31. Everyone knows elves don’t make all the toys, spiders do. Millions and millions of spiders. No Christmas display would be complete without Santa’s Little Spider.

  32. Nicole says:

    The spider absolutely rules.

  33. SB Smith says:

    How Cheeky !…Mistletoe on the butt means Kiss My Ass.

    Like the manger itself didn’t have any spiders.
    People are morons !

  34. Sanyo Soup says:

    Floor tiles… Me gusta! The rest is nice, too!

  35. Erinyes says:

    Merry Christmas, Motherfuckers is what my better half’s dad used to say!

    Happy Chanukah, Cocksniffers!

  36. Awwwww… I like your Christmas spider! Also, love the Christmas banner up on top :)

  37. Jamie says:

    Love the spider! Can’t wait to see his New Year’s getup.

    By the way, did you intend your wall to look like it has two closed eyes (the garland), a nose (the tree) and a smile (the presents)? Because I totally see it!

    Merry Christmas!

  38. Larry says:

    It’s just not Christmas until the spider makes its appearance. Merry Christmas!!

  39. Roket Man says:

    Managers…..can’t live with ‘em but at least in the south “He/she needed killin’!” is an acceptable defense in a court of law.

  40. Fluffy says:

    Merry Christmas, to all the motherf*ckers, every one! :)

  41. Jan says:

    Bitches be trippin’…
    Watch out, looks like a serious ass-whuppin’ is about to commence…

  42. Glen says:

    Wow…A spider that can fart misletoe!!! That’s so Christmas !!

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