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J has a very warped sense of what Christmas is all about. | Fetch My Flying Monkeys
Everyone needs a fleet of flying monkeys to rip the stuffing out of the annoying people in their lives
— Laura

Every year J informs me that he’s already gotten my Christmas present when I hand him my Want List and when I ask him what he’s gotten me he always tells me he’s not going to tell me. I ask him for hints and he’s all “I’m not giving you hints” and I whine and say “You’re not playing this game right!” and I fake cry and he laughs in my face and then I’ll say “Tell me what it is!” and then he makes up some crazy shit and then laughs and laughs like a Nazi. Seriously, this guy cannot be broken. This continues until I open my gifts on Christmas Day. Anyway, this was Sunday’s conversation:

Me: “So…what did you get me for Christmas?”

J: “A personal beehive so you can have your own honey.” 

Me: “I’m allergic to bee stings and I don’t use a lot of honey.”

J: “Then I’ll buy you some of those antihistamine ampules you can wear around your neck and you can sell the honey at the flea market.”

Me: “Well, can I train the bees to attack and kill people on command?”

J: Stares blankly, “Why do you always want to ruin Christmas?”

Me: “Ruin? Trained attack killer bees would make Christmas AWESOME.”

J: “Well, I didn’t get you a beehive.”

Me: “Dammit. Why do you always want to ruin Christmas?”

73 Comments
 

73 Responses to J has a very warped sense of what Christmas is all about.

  1. Suzanne says:

    Yeesh, it is like he has not ever met you! If you were married, his cruelty would be grounds for divorce.

  2. One Crazed Chick says:

    It’s a killer idea, I don’t see why he doesn’t understand that!!

  3. Jennifer says:

    LMFAO!! Seriously, your renderings crack me up so bad I can’t be drinking anything or I start spewing it everywhere! Oh, and that’s the Best. Bitches. Rendering. Ever. you’re holding up!

  4. Yabu says:

    In the new town, you will also be required to to plan some sweet operations. You will receive extra compensation.

  5. Holiday says:

    I love the way “J” affectionately plays with you. It’s so cute……

  6. Heather says:

    LOL!!! My husband won’t give me hints either! It IS like they don’t play the game right!

    LOVE the rendering! LOL!

    • Laura says:

      I tell him it’s more fun if he plays along, but he’s all “You mean, it’s fun if you find out what you’re getting.” (Why yes it is.) Ha!

  7. Bob says:

    You seriously need either write a book and illustrate it yourself.

  8. Hoody Hoo says:

    That is ENTIRELY how you train bees. FACT. And J should remember, you also have pictures of him…

  9. Mr. Bingley says:

    I’m sure you could train the bees to swarm the nasty perfumes worn some of those who oppose your plans for world domination.

    and then you could look at the CSI people and say “Shee-ite I always thought that flop-house floozy’s scent would bring her no end of trouble”

    No way they could pin it on you.

  10. When a man knows you so well, you can’t help but be happy!

    Oh, and tell him that here in South Texas, we would pay a lot for a bee trainer. Lots of killer bees here, ya know… ;)

  11. Jena says:

    Tell J to email me what your gift is and I will play the game like HE DOES!!! AHAHAHAHa1!!!! (Jap-Nazi) roflmao!!!

  12. Tink says:

    This has always been my favorite time of year for you and “J”. I love how he torments you.. Hhahhahaha sorry!

  13. Larry says:

    I hope you didn’t have the beekeeper outfit already picked out. But seriously, he should know not to joke about something as serious as squadrons of trained killer attack bees.

  14. MorningGlory says:

    I don’t usually come up on J’s side of these things, but he DOES have a pretty good record of getting you awesome gifts. If you could just break him of being such a Nazi about giving you hints!

  15. Jan says:

    Ooo, I’m putting a trained army of killer bees right at the top of my Christmas list! They could provide close air support for my trained army ants, and I could wipe the planet of all bitches, perverts and politicians. Perfect!

  16. Thanks! Now I have the Blind Melon song “No Rain” stuck in my head, thinking of the video with the Bee Girl!

  17. Curtal Friar says:

    Hmmm…I’d be careful using that as a strategy to get the bitches.

    It’s like this:

    In Marvel Comic’s X-Men, long ago, they introduced the Sentinel robots, designed to get rid of mutants. Unfortunately, the Sentinels thought processes went like this: Mutants are humans with powers. Humans give birth to mutants. Mutants are humans. Wipe out all humans!

    Back to your situation, you set those bees loose, and you could find yourself facing a hive of bees whose train of thought runs like this:

    Bitches are women. Women become bitches. Bitches are indistinguishable from other women. Sting all women!!

  18. Cond0010 says:

    I didn’t know ‘J’ake could talk.

    Nazi accent too! :)

  19. VEG says:

    Your drawings make my day. And help me to justify my own assassination plans for my personal bunch o bitches.

  20. Roket Man says:

    I love keeping THE BOSS in suspense about her Christmas presents. When she finally gets to open them I used to like to say “Oh, wait…..I bought that for myself!” Then she made me wear a nightgown I “bought for myself’…… to go grocery shopping at Wal-Mart! It was embarrassing at first but I made $14 in tips when I reached for a jar of peanut butter on the top shelf.

  21. Liz says:

    Best. Rendering. Evah! And, I totally love the hairdo on the bitch to the left. HA!

    You need to publish a coffee table book of your renderings. I’d buy it (but only if it cost about $1.99).

  22. cricket says:

    Will there be lasers attached to their head? I’d pay big time to see attack bees with lasers attached to their heads. mwahahaha.

  23. Jess says:

    “Bitches and Bee Stings” has been running through my head since I read your post. I’m thinking there’s a Country and Western song waiting to be written.

    Taylor Swift is my choice for the singer. She needs to add some bad ass to her image.

  24. cricket says:

    Or… free eye surgery.

  25. zonker says:

    Tora! Tora! Tora!

    ::bzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz::

  26. Nicole says:

    Now you totally need a beekeeper hat. It looks fabulous on you.

  27. Gabs says:

    Yeah, Nazis were notorious for their hatred of christmas. Or was that Hannukah? Probably all of the above. Kwanzaa, too.

  28. Why would he even jokingly say he got you such an awesome gift if it was just to fuck with you? Asshole.

    ;)

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