Monday was horrible and not just because it was my first day back to work after a four day food and alcohol binge holiday. No, yesterday was horrible because I was involved in an industrial accident in the mailroom. That’s right. There I was, working away sorting mail that had come in and as I slipped my little plastic and razor blade letter opener thingy into a manila envelope I heard a pop and then all hell broke loose. A piece went flying into the air all ninja star-like and hit me in the head and the razor part came within a hair of my slicing my thumb! A. hair.
When I calmed down I took it to my manager and explained what had happened. She looked at me all blank and bored and said “Don’t you have another letter opener?” all callous and shit. She didn’t say ”Are you hurt?” or “Is there anything I can do for you?” No. Nobody appreciates those of us who put it all on the line in the mailroom.
I see things more clearly now. When you come face-to-face with death, things get crystal clear. I’m on my own there in the mailroom. On my own, working under sub-par conditions with sub-par equipment. I’m about to go all Norma Rae on their asses or maybe it’s Silkwood, I forget. Which one was screwing a young, sexy Sam Elliot? Neither? That was Cher in Mask? Well fuck it then.101 Comments
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- Andrew Knapp Photos.
- Pot Noodles.
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- Rest in fucking pieces, Mr. Darcy.
- Wake Up!
- Hitler's Home Movies.
- Subway Surfer.
- MC Mom.
- Is Your Girlfriend a Horse?
- Now I want to go to Iceland.
- Karaoke Hitler.
- Wake up! They see us!
- How a Gas Nozzle Knows When To Shut Off.
- A Yelp Review left for Walter Palmer's Dental Practice.
- Sleeping Guy Gets Twizzlered.
- Birds in Watercolor.
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Love the poster, I hope you’re okay when you said it had hit your head I imagined it stuck out of your head and when you removed it blood squirted out everywhere! Next time, before you do to your manager just squirt a little ketchup around first!
I would still be in the hospital if that had happened!!
Sometimes, you just have to bring your own superior tools to work to perform your job with quality, safe tools. I recommend any product by Stihl. Considering the smaller size of your packages, a 16 inch bar should be sufficient. An Arkansas skip tooth blade is best so you can sharpen the blades twice as fast during your lunch break. Be sure to wear safety glasses and ear plugs.
You’re like some kind of wizard of industrial equipment aren’t you?
Tehe, ‘smaller packages’ tehe.
Juvenile snickering will no longer commence in this comment.
Finally I have found a weapon suitable to carry in my cute little purse and still protect myself against muggers, thieves and general riff-raff.
Imagine the look of terror, as I whipped out my own faulty letter opener thingy. I’m scared just looking at it.
Very happy your survived your most recent brush with death.
Just be careful. They are deadly in the wrong hands.
By the way, I can just picture a would-be attackers face all “What the fuck?” as you whip your opener out. ‘Stand back or I’ll open your package!” all Dirty Harry sounding.
That almost sounds more like an invitation/offer. Although you could make your escape during the attackers confusion.
More juvenile snickering.
I think my blog requires a lot of juvenile snickering myself.
Sounds like your manager needs a little stick science or voodoo. No compassion for you after risked your life for the company. I’m glad you weren’t hurt, but I could see early retirement with a bucket load or settlement money.
From your text to the Judge’s desicion. HAHA!
I’m about to go all Norma Rae on their asses or maybe it’s Silkwood, I forget. Which one was screwing a young, sexy Sam Elliot? Neither? That was Cher in Mask? Well fuck it then.
Sooooo, it’s less about the industrial safety and more about satisfying carnal desires with Sam Elliot, is it?
It is ALWAYS about nailing the good-looking actor with me. You should know that by now.
Question: Is the “Links To Enjoy” in your sidebar auto-generated and if so, how does one add such a feature to a blog?
No, I add them manually like wee lil entries. The sidebar features are actual “pages” custom built with some WordPress plug-ins attached. If you need more detail, shoot me an email. I had “Links To Enjoy” added because I want to say “Hey guys, look at this!” without puting them in blog entries.
Will do when I get a sec. I like that as a feature. BTW, “Dog the Bounty Hunter” shows a blank page…Have a good day!
Yeah, that happens sometimes with the damn things. Theycan crash, move, or get taken down.
Not really. I’ve cut a few trees in my lifetime, but I once worked with a logger that cut trees after Mt. St. Helens knocked down thousands of old growth trees. He was so kind to pass his wisdom about such things daily, over and over and over again. Through osmosis, since I quit paying attention, his knowledge seeped into my brain.
HAHAH! I totally laughed and KNOW the type. You scream in your head “SHUT THE FUCK UP ALREADY!” then years later you find you’re the new expert.
I have that same kind of equipment in my desk. I apparently need to rid myself of this equipment before I suffer the same fate. Of course, I don’t have your kind of luck so I’ll probably survive when my breaks. I also have a very long pointly letter opener if it’ll help. Of course, if you run with it and fall, you’ll impale yourself and die.
I see you have a lot of faith in me. HAHA! I think you should worry more about me running INTO one or all of the Bunch O’Bitches REPEATEDLY with that letter opener. “Ooops.”
I’m glad you’re okay after your ordeal. It’s good that you reported the accident, and documented the faulty equipment, so that if something like this happens again (Heaven Forbid!) you’ll be able to demonstrate a pattern in your lawsuit.
YES! Next time I may be horribly maimed! But not so maimed that I couldn’t walk to my mailbox for my check.
I feel you pain. I was involved in a horrible rubber band incident at work yesterday. A brand new rubber band snapped, hitting me in the face. My supervisor just laughed. One of those hearty belly laughs. I think there’s still a mark from that faulty equipment. I’m thinking of suing.
OH, definitely sue. And throw in for a lil extra for the pain and suffering from the humiliation of being laughed at. Heartless corporate sonsabitches!
LMAO! You and that damn mailroom! I bet you get so busted with putting up all those signs!
Fuck ‘em. Ha!
I used to work in the mailroom, too, Laura. For 5 years. Washed the owners car… delivered pies and donuts on fridays.
A sign like that will only make’em coo things like “awww… the widdle mail person almost got hurt…”
I think they know that “Slaves can only be bought and sold”.
YEAH, those sonsabitches! ( I do love my time in the mailroom when I’m not about to be murdered by faulty equipment.)
Ooooo I would so like to deliver donuts because, let’s just say, very few would reach their destination and the ones that do would be frosted with some of my famous Ground Glass Icing.
And as far as washing the owner’s car? Well, that package deal would come with an ice pick in the tires each time. “Well, would you look at that tire. I don’t know what happened there” I would exclaim as I wiped donut crumbs from the front of my blouse.
LOL … you’ve done a whole lot of living, Laura!
I think they knew I was terminally innocent in those days – thus the trust.
One time, one of the secretaries asked if I ever sneaked one of the donuts when I brought them back. For the life of me, it never occurred to me before that moment.
Small wonder they had me deliver their deposits to the bank (and drive their teenage daughter from the private school she was attending… :-\
…and NO… my name is NOT Forrest Gump!
I’m no thief (*cough* unless it comes to donuts and such, then game’s on, motherfuckers) and I would have made their deposit, but their daughter would have ended up being sold to some rich oil sheik or a gun smuggling Russian at the airport. One sonsabitch’s daughter for a few AK47′s sounds about right.
” … but their daughter would have ended up being sold to some rich oil sheik or a gun smuggling Russian at the airport. ”
Your Daughter? Oh! Just as she got home, she decided to take a ride in the van parked outside:
HAHAH! YES! The stranger in the paneled van with the windows painted! AKA: babysitter.
I hope you’re okay after your accident. (LOL)
I may be suffering a little PTSD, but I’m okay.
Gurllll, you could have been seriously killed. those razors are sharp as hell. You have a very dangerous job and should really be appreciated more. I’ll carry a sign for you…..We can “Occupy” WOooo HOoooo!
Gurlll…I don’t want to occupy here. Ha!
“…and the razor part came within a hair of my slicing my thumb!”
You know, for someone who has spent the better part of a year complaining about her thumb rabies you’d think you’d be a little more appreciative of your company’s efforts to cure you of this malady!
NO! I have been trying for years to confine my rabies to my thumb since it appears I cannot rid my body of it completely. This is Rabies Science 101.
Why do I have the feeling you’re never going to have to make any detachable numbers for that sign?
HAHAHAHAH! I knew you’d notice that!
Any Southern Lady worth her petticoats can defend her virtue with, or eviscerate the most obdurate postal item asunder with, a shiny, slender letter-knife.
A hatpin serves nicely as your second.
There’s nothing more aggravating than waging communicative wars with faulty weaponry. There now. Chin up! Back into battle with you!
Oh, I could kill someone with a paper clip if I had to. Yes, indeed. In fact, I daydream about the different ways I could “defend myself” here at work. The stapler would be my preferred choice, second would be my…wait..what were we talking about again?
Thank God it wasn’t an automatic electronic cutter opener. You’d have been in big trouble then.
On the flip side, you might then have qualified for handicapped parking, putting you closer to the building when you go in for work.
HAHAHA! They see me rollin’, they hatin’.
I am glad you aren’t dead. Quick! Some one call OSHA!
YES! And DEHEC! And Pizza Hut!
I think you have valid reason for your flak vest and/or riot/zombie gear. This shit just got REAL!
HA! Yes, for real.
WITHIN A HAIR??? Shit got real!!
sonsabitches. No one said anything because they are prolly unable to imagine the world without you. too. damn. afraid. glad you survived. are the super-quick reflexes from the gin or circus peanuts? gotta get me some. (throw Sam Elliot in the same catagory!)
I think it was the gin to tell the truth. Circus Peanuts make me woozier than gin.
As always, laughin’ my ass off at your sign!
(And…er….glad you survived, too)
Thank you. It’s like a miracle. A Christmas miracle.
You scare me every day with your tales of terror.
It helps wake me up, but jeez. You needs to be twirling around in circles scoping things out all. the. time. You know what else could almost kill you, or at least jump up and scoop your eyeball out? A staple REMOVER. That’s right. They lie there all innocent-like but they’re just craven bloodlusters.
Oh, I have a bright gold 10-year anniversary letter ope-knife, too. I call it my letter knife. It’s hefty and nasty looking and they voluntarily give it to people for working 10 years. Is that a suggestion, do you think?
Hmmm that just sounds like they want you to go all Food Network with that opener on their asses.
And yes, staple removerers scare me as does calculators. But that’s only because math scares me.
Time to send a letter to Sparco Office Supply like Lazlo Toth used to do!
I really should! Compensation!
You could threaten to report them to OSHA…but then they’d start making you wear protective goggles and a helmet in the mail room. (I just pictured you doing your mail room duties in a Darth Vader helmet and, well…bwahahahahaha! “I have altered the deal! PRAY that I do not alter it any further!”)
I would so totally wear one too…hmm…
Just another reason to always carry a spare eye patch!! You never know when there’ll be plastic thingys or mutiny in the air. Mail room pirates unite!!!
Your bravery in the face of almost certain death astounds and amazes me! You go girl, as all the hip kids are saying! You Miss, are a true hero. Now carry on!
I deserve a medal.
You seriously need to sue that bunch o’ losers you work for….. they tried to kill you!
I KNOW! I really should.
Have you never heard of Workman’s Comp? Oh Honey… next time, hit the deck and lay there till someone finds you…
HAHA! That’s kinda like my plan if I’m ever rear-ended by a Jaguar. Except I’m going to open the door, fall out and flop like a fish.
I care! I care so much! I’ll stand on a desk and hold up a sign that says UNION for you! Or get you a band-aid, whatever you need!
ATTICA! ATTICA! Wait..what?
I’m glad the plastic piece didn’t hit you in the EYE !! That would have been really bad. Wait till Miss TwatFace has a close call and goes around whining about it…then you can glance her way and say “Oh…would you like cheese with that whine ?”
What a Bitch.
If it had hit my eye I would have screamed at the top of lungs. Probably a curse word too.
Can you get workers comp for PTSD?
Probably not here.
I wouldn’t exactly say that no one would care….I….I….I’ll just say nothing. Nevermind. Wait, I DID think of something, who would put Baby Jesus in the spider’s legs for the Christmas decoration?
I would be missed for sure.
Thank God you’re okay. That was a close one. I smell a law suit, though… Next time try to bleed a little so the jury will be more sympathetic when it goes to trial.
And I’ll limp.
That you opened a piece of mail so enthusiastically, that you broke the opener, should get you a raise, not ridicule.
I think so too! I even hum and dance in there!!
You are so brave and an inspiration to me – you just have no idea.
Looks like it’s time to make ‘em buy you a shiny polished stainless Kabar with a leather stacked handle to handle the letter opening duties safely. You could wear it around your waist or as a necklace and flounce around making the “Bunch ‘o Bitches” jealous as hell. It would be your honorable badge of office.
I own one! I’d get busted if I took it to work though….frowny face.
An appalling lack of concern.
I see I have escaped the evil clutches of the “medical professionals” just in time. Let me know what size body armor you wear and I’ll see what we have in the gun vault. In the meantime I suggest you find a Sharpie and begin turning all those manila envelopes into Occupy the Mail Room signs.
HAHA! I hope you’re feeling better!
I don’t want to occupy that place though!
Where do you work, the little shop of horrors? Sic the holiday spider on the lot of them!
You are very close.
I care (even though I was too busy to read you blog until today)!!! Thank God you are OK!
Beware the stapler. I’ve actually stapled myself so badly that someone else has had to pull the damn staple out of my finger/hand. Luckily, I’ve never hit myself in the eye. Although, I’m not entirely sure that’s possible.
Ouchie on the stabler thing. I did, however, once remove surgical staples on myself once.
Okay, the old coin link… should not be allowed. I would so pick that up if I saw it in the dirt like that. And then I would have a full on heart attack. And it would eat my face as I lay twitching on the ground.
First it would wrap you in it’s web and inject poison that will liquify you, then it will drink you with a straw.
Over the years, I have had half a dozen such “openers.”
Only one has survived. Inasmuch as these are not exactly complicated high-tech equipment to begin with, I must assume that they are built to the crappiest standards and should be expected to break and warning signs should be posted whenever they are in use.
Then again, we once had an electric opener with one of those whirring circular blades. You’d be amazed how quickly they dulled. Or, more likely, you wouldn’t, since the individual member of the Bunch O’Bitches who signed the purchase order made sure it was the cheapest and crappiest available.
(I said “crappiest” twice. Three times, counting that one. I must have a digestive ailment coming on.)
Hahah! Feel better soon.
OH MY GOD we were JUSt talking about accident free days in our office. My boss got a paper cut in his cubical. It was a bad day.
Also, glad you’re still alive.
Thank you. Paper cuts hurt like a motherfucker.