When I was a kid I dreamt of owning an army of killer robots and vaporizing my enemies and taking over the world. I guess I could have also dreamt about wearing a white satin mermaid gown with delicate hand-beading on the sweetheart bodice while doing it. NAH.
I didn’t blog for four days because I was busy alternating between eating and drinking. Then in between all that I was rendered unconscious; only waking up on the couch with the “Say Yes to the Dress” marathon blaring from the television and my dog Jack licking pie crumbs out of my hair. The days went by too quickly and everything’s just a blur, probably because of my holiday alcoholism, but I did manage to get out on Black Friday and shop. Or maybe I just imagined that. There are empty gin and wine bottles scattered about, but no gifts, so never mind. What I do definitely remember is watching back-to-back episodes of “Say Yes to the Dress” for three days. It’s a reality show that centers on a bridal shop in New York and women who make appointments to find just the right dress for their wedding. I LOVE that show because, like I’ve said before, the idea of dreaming about a wedding since you were a kid and spending thousands upon thousands for a wedding dress is so foreign to me. It’s like watching a National Geographic show on some bizarro lost tribe or something. I guess I get that for a lot of women this is their big chance to be an attention whore before they start popping out babies and chauffeuring chillens to soccer practice in a minivan, but to spend $3,000 to $11,000 (YES $11,000!) and up for a damn boring-ass dress you’re going to wear one day? Hell no. And can I just ask, why the fuck are almost all of those dresses strapless? Good God. There really should be a law against it. If I had a dollar for every jiggly upper arm, or pair of backfat titties being shoved up and over a bodice I saw this past weekend, I’d have enough money for, well, a wedding dress, or better yet a black market liver ’cause I don’t think mine is going to last through Christmas.
And now on to more important matters, Michael Kors Purse Awareness Month:95 Comments