Everyone needs a fleet of flying monkeys to rip the stuffing out of the annoying people in their lives
— Laura

I didn’t blog for four days because I was busy alternating between eating and drinking. Then in between all that I was rendered unconscious; only waking up on the couch with the “Say Yes to the Dress” marathon blaring from the television and my dog Jack licking pie crumbs out of my hair. The days went by too quickly and everything’s just a blur, probably because of my holiday alcoholism, but I did manage to get out on Black Friday and shop. Or maybe I just imagined that. There are empty gin and wine bottles scattered about, but no gifts, so never mind. What I do definitely remember is watching back-to-back episodes of “Say Yes to the Dress” for three days. It’s a reality show that centers on a bridal shop in New York and women who make appointments to find just the right dress for their wedding. I LOVE that show because, like I’ve said before, the idea of dreaming about a wedding since you were a kid and spending thousands upon thousands for a wedding dress is so foreign to me. It’s like watching a National Geographic show on some bizarro lost tribe or something. I guess I get that for a lot of women this is their big chance to be an attention whore before they start popping out babies and chauffeuring chillens to soccer practice in a minivan, but to spend $3,000 to $11,000 (YES $11,000!)  and up for a damn boring-ass dress you’re going to wear one day? Hell no. And can I just ask, why the fuck are almost all of those dresses strapless? Good God. There really should be a law against it. If I had a dollar for every jiggly upper arm, or pair of backfat titties being shoved up and over a bodice I saw this past weekend, I’d have enough money for, well, a wedding dress, or better yet a black market liver ’cause I don’t think mine is going to last through Christmas.

And now on to more important matters, Michael Kors Purse Awareness Month:

As Michael Kors Purse Awareness Month continues, please be aware that Michael Kors purses have leather like buttah.


95 Responses to When I was a kid I dreamt of owning an army of killer robots and vaporizing my enemies and taking over the world. I guess I could have also dreamt about wearing a white satin mermaid gown with delicate hand-beading on the sweetheart bodice while doing it. NAH.

  1. One Crazed Chick says:

    I never understood the whole wedding thing where you pay huge sums of money for a one day deal.
    Love that purse!!

  2. Heather says:

    I stayed unconscious too through most of the holiday! I think mine was caused by the turkey!

  3. Jennifer says:

    LOL! I don’t get the thousands of dollars for a wedding dress either, but I guess if you have it… lol

  4. Yabu says:

    You went out on Black Friday? Damn! Some friends from OOT arrived WED afternoon, and we didn’t start a car until SUN morning. I’m talking seriously dug in…eating and drinking and drinking and eating.

  5. Tink says:

    I think if someone came up with “Rent a dress” like the guys rent their Tux. that person would be very wealthy……Oh shit, I just gave up my idea….

  6. Princess says:

    Dress? WTF.. I got married in a drug rehab (only Priest we could find in town) in a pair of purple corduroys… same outfit my hubby was wearing.. Hey. at least we matched.Do I miss not having a gigundo wedding? Hah! with a name like “Princess” what do you think? that was 40 years ago…..

    • Laura says:

      Hmm… with a name like “Princess” I would imagine you do regret not having a gigantic wedding with a multi-thousand dollar dress and imported French doves to release at the end.

  7. Tad says:

    We took the $$ from her parents and mine, that we would have spent on a wedding and put a down payment on a house. And then had a giant party with all our friends in that house. Made more sense at the time….still does..

  8. Hooker Gal says:

    The first time I had no wedding.I saw what my parents went thru with my sister and ran like hell…The second time I had a wedding….In a church..Not big but all our friends and family. it was plenty big enough. I much prefer the wedding in the church…It just felt better but my dress was beautiful and it only cost $300. not too bad….and that was 20 years ago..

  9. Mr. Bingley says:

    All these strapless gown wearers spend most of their time yanking up their tops…

  10. Jess says:

    I worked with someone that had a sister that was in the process of becoming married. The father, who was at 30 grand of known upcoming costs, offered the girl that amount of money if she would elope. She refused. She wanted the big wedding. I never asked what happened. I was hoping Dad had a moment of reasoning and told the spoiled daughter to kiss his ass and refused to pay for the wedding.

    As a side note: While driving,I came up behind a stock trailer on Sunday afternoon to find four nanny goats going for a ride. They seemed to be enjoying the moment. I’m guessing they were on their way to a new field to eat until there is nothing left but dirt.

    • Laura says:

      YES! A happy goat story!! You should have gotten some pictures! I can just picture the goats all smiling and anticipating greener pastures.

      As far as dishing out that kind of dough. If I was her father I would not shell over a dime but would say “You pay for it if it’s that important to you and if in 7 years you are still married I will pay you back with interest.” That would solve some of that spending the parent’s money fuckery.

  11. Hoody Hoo says:

    I think you were just doing all the eating and drinking I am not allowed to do yet — it’s a public service and a true testament to our friendship! (busts out the “Golden Girls” theme song)

  12. Tara says:

    Look at you wanting those expensive Michael Kors purses!

  13. Janie Jones says:

    $11,000!?!?! My first new car didn’t even cost that much. Granted that was almost 20 years ago, but still. $11,000?!?!?

    • Laura says:

      YES! $11,000 PLUS! I was all “WHAT THE FUCK? ARE YOU INSANE?” And indeed, most were. The good news is the money goes back into the economy…but still.

  14. Curtal Friar says:

    My wedding cost about $300.

    My uncle’s wedding cost about 10 grand.

    My aunt’s wedding cost about 15 – 20 grand.

    They’ve both been divorced and remarried. In my uncle’s case, three times now.

    I’m still married.

    Go figure.

  15. cond0010 says:

    11,000 dollars can buy alot of pizza.

  16. Jena says:

    Thats a sweet sweet purse!

  17. Cond0010 says:

    Dang… now I’m getting hungry…

  18. Holiday alcoholism is the best kind of alcoholism.

  19. Terri the Terror says:

    I’ve never dreamt of a wedding either. I think it’s funny that the more expensive the dress, the uglier it seems to be.
    Anyway about the purses… You won’t have to cook it dinner, do it’s laundry, and will always be proud to have it on your arm.

  20. Judy says:

    Thank you, thank you, thank you for posting the link to the rescued lab beagles. As the mom to 6 rescued beagles of my own, the thought of these sweet, gentle dogs never seeing grass or sunshine made me sick to my stomach. I was so glad to see them take their first steps into new and happier lives!

  21. Skanks trying to stuff back-fat titties into dresses for three days, and you didn’t do any drawings?!?
    I think you’re missing some voodoo potential there.
    That’s some scary shit.

  22. patti says:

    Saw a Michael Kors outlet this past weekend while driving the Interstate Highway system. Thought of you.

  23. Jeffro says:

    What’s really important? A big blowout of a wedding just for the sheer spectacle of it all, or the idea that they’re two people committing to the rest of their lives together (which means work)?

    No wonder I’m single. Just. Don’t. Get. It.

  24. Jan says:

    A man should seriously consider ditching any woman who thinks she needs to pay that much for a single-use dress. It shows a whole lot of unpleasant things about her fundamental character, even if there’s enough money for it. (I’d say the same about expensive purses, but I don’t want to get voodoo’d…)

  25. I wore my mother’s dress, and it had long sleeves.


    Also, great purse. Jack would fit, wouldn’t he?

  26. wpdunn71901 says:

    backfat titties
    you had me at backfat titties

  27. Carra says:

    I think it was a wise idea not to blog during your holiday alcoholism. I’ve made comments on facebook while under the influence of alcohol and have been asked to remove my comments.

    I don’t get the expensive dress/big wedding thing either. I watch Bridezillas and I’m just waiting for the episode when the groom says “forget this shit-I’m outta here”. Those women are certifiably crazy! I am happily single myself and have only been a bridesmaid twice. It’s best to watch that mess from the sidelines.

    • Laura says:

      I’ve never been to a wedding! Ever! And I never will because I gotta keep that going. I love being single.

      Oh, I’ve seen that Bridezilla show before. Most of those bitches need to be pushed down some big stairs and snatched baldheaded at the same time.

      One day I should blog whilst drinking….maybe not.

    • Laura says:

      Girl, you need to get on Pinterest. I saw that weeks ago. Yes, I said that all hoity toity. At least I didn’t say it while wearing a $11,000 wedding dress.

      • Jena says:

        Honestly, Sean saw it a couple months ago. I was too lazy to post it then. Ha!

        I too wasn’t wearing a $11,000 dress.

        • Laura says:

          If I ever get married it’d probably be in a tent all Cold Mountain style where they just say “I marry you, I marry you, I marry you” three times (kinda like Beetlejuice) ’cause it’d probably be the end of the world Zombie Apocalypse and I’d be all “Okay George Clooney, let’s do it” cause there’d be zombies needing killing after we consumate.

          • Cheryl says:

            You need to pay closer attention to The Walking Dead. Apparently, it’s kill zombies – then consummate, consummate, dance to the music!

          • Laura says:

            Ugh. I watch it, but it just doesn’t do anything for me because the people are creepy. Seriously. And I swear to God, if they have the sheriff’s wife have a baby I’m going to stop watching it…unless it’s zombie in vitro and it eats it’s way out, and not through her ponanny. I don’t wanna see that.

  28. Fluffy says:

    I’m worried that I built up too much of a tolerance for booze. I had half a bottle of egg nog and an entire bottle of wine to myself, and I didn’t feel it. Sigh. Time to break out the Grand Marnier!

  29. I did dream of saving the world with super powers, or killing off aliens, while fashionably dressed, as a child. But mostly while wearing kick ass boots and leather jackets with fringe or in a denim mini skirt. WHAT!? You should always look your best…

    Of course I did not spend a bunch of money on my wedding, because I can’t imagine spending that kind of cash for a dress I would wear once. The JP did a fine job for me and Husband, and at the time I figured he would be my first…so why spend so much money on something you were going to do over again later in life. For the record, Husband and I have been married now 24 years.

  30. Fluffy says:

    Also, as a kid, I dreamt of being the coolest rockstar ever. Hel-lo Cleveland!

  31. Nicole says:

    I rented my first dress. I did buy the 2nd one but it was $150 and it was a black 50s halter dress with a pink cat instead of a poodle. So I figured that will be worn again (and it has been).

    That sure is a purty purse.

  32. QueenBee says:

    We visited friends in KS for the week. If you added up all the food and alcohol…. I could buy that purse! I love love love love that purse- but wine and pie are really good too!

  33. nightfly says:

    You’re not the only one who dreamed of a family of killer robot(s). It’s fun to picture you dispensing homespun wisdom and solid midwestern values while crushing all who block your path. (That’s a compliment.)

  34. Larry says:

    I noted you did not post, but didn’t worry because you were still commenting on the older posts. Otherwise I would have found out where to send the bail money.
    The church wedding only lasted four years. The second time around was done by the Justice O’ The Peace.

  35. Hunt Johnsen says:

    If you think the yestothedress is wild, check out BBC’s “My Great Big Gypsy Wedding”. Total insanity as child brides have their one big day before a lifetime of servitude.

    • Laura says:

      OH MY GOD I saw that once! They like their dresses all huge where they can’t even fit through a door and then they live in one of those tiny travel trailers!

  36. [...] Laura explains Say Yes to the Dress as only Laura can: It’s a reality show that centers on a bridal shop in New York and women who make appointments to find just the right dress for their wedding. I LOVE that show because, like I’ve said before, the idea of dreaming about a wedding since you were a kid and spending thousands upon thousands for a wedding dress is so foreign to me. It’s like watching a National Geographic show on some bizarro lost tribe or something. I guess I get that for a lot of women this is their big chance to be an attention whore before they start popping out babies and chauffeuring chillens to soccer practice in a minivan, but to spend $3,000 to $11,000 (YES $11,000!) and up for a damn boring-ass dress you’re going to wear one day? Hell no. [...]

  37. Jamie says:

    Well it’s been a week but I’ve finally recovered from my turkey and pumpkin pie coma. I’m happy to say I bought my wedding dress off the Davids Bridal clearance rack for $50 and loved it! I too enjoy watching the over-privileged, spoiled brats on ‘Say Yes’ for the same reason. Did you see the one that had her entire dress made out of Swarovski crystals? Wow. It’s another world. Glad to see you survived the holiday. I was one of the nuts out shopping for 12 hours but I made it out alive without visible injury or being pepper sprayed so thumbs up.

    • Laura says:

      It certainly is a different world for some isn’t it? I just can’t imagine. Even if I was rich as hell I don’t think I could do it. Have my gun holsters covered in diamonds, yes, but not a wedding dress.

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