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Warning: Creating default object from empty value in /home/jimstant/public_html/fetchmyflyingmonkeys/wp-content/themes/platformpro/admin/class.options.metapanel.php on line 49 For being a hypochondriac, I really don’t go to the doctor much. That’s not so much because I have it under some kind of control, but because my health insurance sucks donkey balls. | Fetch My Flying Monkeys
For being a hypochondriac, I really don’t go to the doctor much. That’s not so much because I have it under some kind of control, but because my health insurance sucks donkey balls.
Yesterday I woke up and it was the first time in my life I can remember ever waking up and not having the urgency to urinate. I lay there on my back, stretched a big stretch, because stretching in bed feels so good, and thought “Wow, I don’t need to pee.” And as I started to close my eyes again, to enjoy just five more minutes of sleep before I had to get up, it hit me. “OH SHIT! I’M IN COMPLETE KIDNEY FAILURE!”
Seriously, my hypochondria is completely out of control. So far this week I not only had kidney failure because I didn’t have to pee when I woke up, but a prolapsed bladder because I thought I was peeing too much laterthe same day. My throat got scratchy and suddenly I worried that I had cancer of the larynx from having smoked many years ago. Oh, and Monday I woke up on my side where I had been laying on my arm and it took me most of the morning to convince myself that the numbness I felt in it wasn’t from a stroke. Then that afternoon, after having Mexican food for lunch, I could have sworn I was having an abdominal aneurysm. Then I thought I’d need a total knee replacement when I felt a twinge in it when I climbed a few flights of stairs leaving work.
Today is Wednesday and I have a headache brain tumor. Fuck.
70 Responses to For being a hypochondriac, I really don’t go to the doctor much. That’s not so much because I have it under some kind of control, but because my health insurance sucks donkey balls.
I actually never talk about it, about what diseases and conditions I think are going on in my body, except on here or to J. J’s standard reply is “Then go see a doctor” so he’s kinda boring, so I keep it to myself, or for y’alls reading pleasure. Ha!
I don’t think there are any bad side effects with Xanax. I was saving up my bottles of Xanax cause I figured when I got old and diseased, I’d take all of them and die peacefully. I found out it’s impossible to do that. So now I need a Plan B.
You’re kidding me? Then what’s an old diseased person to do? “Cause I found out ODing on Flintstones chewables is impossible too!! I need an escape plan.
Well, at least you didn’t pee in the bed. I have a Mexican brain tumor which causes me to snort hot peppers and drink tequila in excess. I also use guacamole as sun screen when I mow my yard, and re fry everything whether it needs it or not, never can get it right the first time. I also keep a lime under my pillow and a salt shaker on my night stand. I’m glad to know someone else is as fucked up as me. Hang in there, you’ll be fine in the end, or when you move in to the new town. No worries about insurance…
Wow, you don’t usually have to pee before morning? I can’t remember the last time I slept through the night without getting up AT LEAST once to pee! Glad everything came out okay (pun intended).
Hang in there, kid. Shouldn’t be much longer till you can go down to the local medical chop-shop and have any part replaced.
Knee problems? Leave a sample of adult stem cells and they’ll grow ya a new one; ready the next morning for emplacement.
Cancer? Inject ya with a nanotech injection with the nanobots specifically programmed to terminate any cancer cells they find. No problem. And if the cancer comes back, they’ll ‘be back’ too.
Body getting all tired and achy too often? They’ll grow ya a new one, ready in a week, and simply transplant your head to the new body. And they can design the new body to your desired level of fitness and other specifications.
I thought I might be pregnant last night. Or that I was having congenital heart failure because my legs hurt so bad. Come to find out, nope, just had to pee and get more icey hot on the legs from exercising two days in a row.
Daily I’m faced with the onslaught of ALD…it creates a stupor wherein the affected person is unable to move or even think…and it is spreading everywhere.
What is ALD??? It’s Acquired Laziness Disorder. My youngest and many of my students are severely afflicted with it. The only known cure is repeated applications of a boot in the buttocks region.
I have an unhealthy fixation on infectious diseases, which means this year I’ve been diagnosed (by myself) with Crimean-Congo haemorrhagic fever, Dengue fever, Ebola, and Malaria, just to name a few. It’s a rough road to recovery from these things, but I find rum helps.
There is a very nice facility in Yankton, SD where I think you’d do well. Some call it the loony bin, but I really really think you’d enjoy it there! All those friendly doctors and nurses. I heard your Boo was gonn’a check in shortly!
Hey, well, don’t feel bad. Because I’m totally not a hypochondriac I delayed getting that second opinion that tells me I actually do have a tumor and now I have shit insurance and can’t afford my treatment, where as if I had gotten all nervous-Nellie 18 months ago and not relied on the misinterpreted MRI I could have already been treated for next to nothing out of pocket and not have to worry about going blind. Really. Revel in your hypochondria. Maybe some of it will run off on me.
On the plus side, I may have the makings of a ridiculous malpractice suit.
Sorry. Was that a kill-joy comment?
BTW, how’s your eye rabies today? I know a good neuro ophthalmologist….
It’s not a tumah! LOL!
You don’t know that!
Acid reflux – cut down on the gluten. It can feel like a heart attack. Don’t get me started.
Already went through the acid reflux ER visit a few weeks ago.
That is the very same thing I was thinking!
LOL! At least you’re funny about your hypochondria. I know people that are nothing but pain in the asses about it.
I actually never talk about it, about what diseases and conditions I think are going on in my body, except on here or to J. J’s standard reply is “Then go see a doctor” so he’s kinda boring, so I keep it to myself, or for y’alls reading pleasure. Ha!
Girl, just don’t watch “Mystery Diagnosis.” ‘sall I’m sayin’
I can’t watch any show like that!!
Me either because my imagination works waaaaay too good! I have a JUMBO bottle of Xanax for just that reason.
I need some, but I’d probably have side-effects. Bad ones.
I don’t think there are any bad side effects with Xanax. I was saving up my bottles of Xanax cause I figured when I got old and diseased, I’d take all of them and die peacefully. I found out it’s impossible to do that. So now I need a Plan B.
You’re kidding me? Then what’s an old diseased person to do? “Cause I found out ODing on Flintstones chewables is impossible too!! I need an escape plan.
Well, at least you didn’t pee in the bed. I have a Mexican brain tumor which causes me to snort hot peppers and drink tequila in excess. I also use guacamole as sun screen when I mow my yard, and re fry everything whether it needs it or not, never can get it right the first time. I also keep a lime under my pillow and a salt shaker on my night stand. I’m glad to know someone else is as fucked up as me. Hang in there, you’ll be fine in the end, or when you move in to the new town. No worries about insurance…
Good ’cause I’m gonna need it.
We must be kin! I try to take life with a grain of salt, a wedge of lime,and a shot oftequila!
Then your liver fails!!!
“Yesterday I woke up and it was the first time in my life I can remember ever waking up and not having the urgency to urinate.”
Once you hit my age you’ll realize that’s because you use Depends whilst you sleep.
HA! Umm…I hope not.
I hate to say it, but if you did have Mexican food for lunch, then you did have an abdominal aneurysm. FACT!
NooooooooOOOOOooooooo! GAKKKkkkkk arrGGGGGgghh irrrrgggg!<–sounds you make when you have an abdominal aneurysm.
My mind is blank. After yesterday, my mental capacity has been reduced and I can’t even come up with a good Rainman/Einstein analogy.
Bleh!
Maybe you have a brain tumor that’s causing some form of amnesia.
Maybe so, but I think it’s more of spreadsheet influenced CRS syndrome. It’s like eyestrain so bad, it pulls your brain until something tears loose.
That sounds resonable.
Senator, I know Donkey Balls. Donkey Balls are my friend. Senator, you don’t know Donkey Balls.
My insurance company does.
Yeah, but do they cover donkey balls?
I’m sure not.
Have you considered a brain transplant? I hear they’re all the rage…
I really would, if I could be guaranteed someone smart…or really really pretty if I gotta take the whole head.
Wow, you don’t usually have to pee before morning? I can’t remember the last time I slept through the night without getting up AT LEAST once to pee! Glad everything came out okay (pun intended).
Oh lawd..that would surely mean I had bladder cancer then.
I worry about that kind of stuff all of the time, I’ve even invented a few diseases for myself…
The more I talk about it the more I’m finding out there LOTS of people thinking the same thing.
Hang in there, kid. Shouldn’t be much longer till you can go down to the local medical chop-shop and have any part replaced.
Knee problems? Leave a sample of adult stem cells and they’ll grow ya a new one; ready the next morning for emplacement.
Cancer? Inject ya with a nanotech injection with the nanobots specifically programmed to terminate any cancer cells they find. No problem. And if the cancer comes back, they’ll ‘be back’ too.
Body getting all tired and achy too often? They’ll grow ya a new one, ready in a week, and simply transplant your head to the new body. And they can design the new body to your desired level of fitness and other specifications.
I WISH! I’d get me some better parts.
I always tell the cause of my headache that they’re giving me an aneurysm.
You mean co-workers?
I thought I might be pregnant last night. Or that I was having congenital heart failure because my legs hurt so bad. Come to find out, nope, just had to pee and get more icey hot on the legs from exercising two days in a row.
Get yourself some icey hot, it cures everything.
PVD!!! Peripheral Vascular Disease!!!
OCD- Obsessive Compulsive Disorders.
ADHD- Attention Deficit Hyperactive Disorder. PCOS- Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrom.
ACTH- Adrenocorticotropic Hormone.
ACL- Anterior Cruciate Ligament.
Aw, hell. There’s a ton of ‘em. Just easier to give you the link: http://www.medindia.net/acronym/index.asp
NOOOOOOooooooooOOOOOooooooo!
Omeprazole – for acid reflux. Eight bucks @ WallyWorld for 42 tabs!
I was using all the OC one and I had my “heart attack” one so they put me on the prescription Nexuim.
Could be Listeria… You been eating any melons lately?? I hear they’re all KINDS a messed up this year.
*Faints (syncope brought on by melon stress.)
Daily I’m faced with the onslaught of ALD…it creates a stupor wherein the affected person is unable to move or even think…and it is spreading everywhere.
What is ALD??? It’s Acquired Laziness Disorder. My youngest and many of my students are severely afflicted with it. The only known cure is repeated applications of a boot in the buttocks region.
I have that on weekends.
Okay…I’ll loan J my ass-kickin’ boots…he’ll cure you…
Ha! Can’t be done.
Only Wednesday and you’ve survived so many near brushes with serious illness and death.
I’m like a hero.
I have an unhealthy fixation on infectious diseases, which means this year I’ve been diagnosed (by myself) with Crimean-Congo haemorrhagic fever, Dengue fever, Ebola, and Malaria, just to name a few. It’s a rough road to recovery from these things, but I find rum helps.
Gin helps with cardio-vascular diseases.
Please.. just eat some bacon and you’ll be fine.
You must be a doctor.
LMAO.. PEED MY PANTS….. YOU ARE HYSTERICAL
Tilted bladder. You may need one of those bladder slings.
There is a very nice facility in Yankton, SD where I think you’d do well. Some call it the loony bin, but I really really think you’d enjoy it there! All those friendly doctors and nurses. I heard your Boo was gonn’a check in shortly!
Sneaky sneak.
You would think that paid assassin would have a great benefits package.
You’d think! But no.
OMG… I think you have the Black Plague! You better watch your back for Vampires now! Seriously…it was nice knowing you!
You too.
mwa hahaha! *evil rubbing of hands then reads some of the things*
Damn.
They should train some dogs to sniff out that Listeria problem, call ‘em Melon Collies.
HAHA!
Hey, well, don’t feel bad. Because I’m totally not a hypochondriac I delayed getting that second opinion that tells me I actually do have a tumor and now I have shit insurance and can’t afford my treatment, where as if I had gotten all nervous-Nellie 18 months ago and not relied on the misinterpreted MRI I could have already been treated for next to nothing out of pocket and not have to worry about going blind. Really. Revel in your hypochondria. Maybe some of it will run off on me.
On the plus side, I may have the makings of a ridiculous malpractice suit.
Sorry. Was that a kill-joy comment?
BTW, how’s your eye rabies today? I know a good neuro ophthalmologist….
That’s the thing. My hypochondria does not make me seek medical attention. It just stays in my head and I make “plans” from there.
I’m sorry to hear about your condition and I hope everything works out well.