I’m in serious need of a housekeeper. Or maybe a robot maid like George Jetson had. Except mine would be equipped with lasers and grenade launchers and not really clean my house so much as “clean house.” Oh, and make bacon sandwiches.
My weekend was filled with tears, horror, and disgust; and that was just while cleaning my house Saturday morning. Specifically, I am referring to my bathroom, or what will henceforth be referred to as “The Post-Katrina Louisiana Superdome Room.” I don’t even know what I’m saying. I think I’m still high from the bleach fumes or the gin I had to drink to try to forget the carnage and destruction I witnessed. I am also in complete denial of my role in the devastation I found there.
When I was satisfied my house was safe from the Board of Health being called in and being condemned, I called Richelle and we decided to go look for some Halloween costumes because we want to hit the clubs and score some free drinks this Halloween because that’s what we do on Halloween, score free drinks. Anyway, we went to one of those big seasonal Halloween costume stores and all they had were whore costumes for women; whore pirates, whore nurses, whore witches, whore ballerinas. You name it; there was nothing but the whore version.
And don’t even think for a second that I’m joking. It was like shopping in the closets of George Clooney’s exes.
I mean, what the hell? I can do “whore” without even buying a costume, thank you very much. Wait, what?
P.S. Look at what I made to remind myself of what I am working towards:
A daisy bike and hobo murder.80 Comments
80 Responses to I’m in serious need of a housekeeper. Or maybe a robot maid like George Jetson had. Except mine would be equipped with lasers and grenade launchers and not really clean my house so much as “clean house.” Oh, and make bacon sandwiches.
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You could do Whore without dressing in a costume.. hhhahahahhahhaha…
I’m sure your everyday clothes would work just fine…. wait what?
I know where you live and so will my “maid.” Ha!
I lurv the bell track. Perfect.
It makes me happy. I keep clicking it.
it makes me happy too… I keep clicking it! lol!
Me too, I soooooo want that as my ring tone. I haven’t wanted anything this much in 20 years or more! It makes me happy doesn’t even begin to do it justice!
That’s a lot of want! I emailed ya a copy.
My bathroom resembles Chernobyl… including the gases and fumes. Yep I love being single.
It rocks until you discover YOU have to clean it. Ha!
OMFG!!! That is the best bike bell sound track ever! I will never be able to look at a bicycle the same again! LMAO!
Just don’t look like a hobo when you pass them on the street.
LOL! That sounds like my bathroom! That is exactly how I heard your story of shooting hobos on your daisy bike in my head! LOL
The problem with those costume whores is none of them will clean your bathroom.
And the tintinnabulation of The bell brings tears to my eyes.
Either that or it’s the cat box.
Where is that whore maid?
HAHA! Seriously, I lol’ed.
I wonder if I can get that bell recording as the ringer on my phone?
The last two sounds would be big hits here with all the NYPD on public transportation, I reckon.
HA! You should do it anyway!
I’m putting the bell recording instead of my truck horn. I’ll have the hobos trained like Pavlov’s dog, except they’ll be pissing themselves.
HA! Umm..I think hobos kinda piss themselves anyway. I’m not 100 percent sure though. I’m no hobo scientist.
Double Tap, I’m cool with that. You get yet another raise if you will oversee the Hobo Patrol in my new town. I’m thinking an upgrade to bikes with bazookas would be a good starting point. Hell, if you prove yourself, you’ll be in charge of the Rail Line, and get 49% of the bribes. It’s a win win deal. Honestly, we are good corrupt.
Another raise? Damn, I’m in the 1 Percent!
You’re in tall cotton for sure. Don’t let it slip away.
I know what you mean on the costumes. I have to resort to making my own.
But you can always go as a homicidal maniac. They look just like everyone else….
I bet I could pull that off…
I seriously lol’d at the bike tract! Im gonna find a way to make it my notification sound.
It should be everyone’s notification sound. Particularly hobos.
So what are y’all gonna be dresses as? Get a pic of Richelle since I know you won’t have one of yours!
I do not pose for photos. I loathe a camera pointed at me. I think we’re going as beauty pageant contestant zombies. I’m going to be Miss Dead South Carolina. We flipped for it. We have some formals that need trashing.
sweet! get a pic like I said, but not of you or just cut ur head off…ha
I guess I have twisted sense of humor. All I can think of is a busload of women wearing the whore Halloween costumes traveling about and trick-or-treating at churchs.
That sounds about right.
I love the bell. You know I’m going to be playing that about a bazillion times and laughing everytime I do. Thank you. Cool idea for halloween too. Have fun with your makeup.
Have fun. I giggle like a loon when I play it.
Nooooooooooooooo…. it’s missing while I’m looking at this at work. I NEED to hear it. Shit. Fuckers.
You MUST hear it!
Cool idea with the bell, though I imagine it for uses other than hobos. Got no particular beef with smelly winos who hop trains.
Every time the bell rings, a jackass earns his wings
Or one of the idiots who calls my work phone needing assistance from me and is smacking loudly on the gum or food he’s chewing while on the phone. Yep, ring ring motherfucker.
KANBOOM! God, I hate it when people start chmping on the phone like cows chewing their cud. Idiots. Ring ring indeed.
Where there any Hobo Whore costumes?
Yes! There certainly was!
I got me one of those whore costumes… Cause really, what better than to squeeze my fat ass into one. If folks don’t like it… Well, shit… make less revealing costumes!
I’m going as Chinese Take Out… mwahahahaha!
HAHA! I never wore a “sexy” outfit for Halloween before. I always felt Halloween was for horror…but now that I think about it, these outfits would like pretty horrifying on me…
Oh, I have got the horror going on… You haven’t seen my thighs! lol! I wanted to go full on zombie-carrying around a brain made out of pink jello… that I would periodically take bites out of, but couldn’t find someone who could really do good make up.
Practice doing your own! Makeup that is, not brain eating.
I think you’ll score more drinks with the whore costumes.
And, you may just score in other ways too. Wait, what?
Score me an arrest for protitution then I’ll jhave to kill myself and throw my dead carcass into the trunk of my car, and I bet that’s hard to do dead.
You’re so right. Go for the zombie costume and stick with the free drinks!! Have a tequila for me. Trust me, mixing tequila and gin in one night is a great idea. Or not.
Oh you are a sneaky sneak. Mixing tequila and gin causes dementia. Or not.
BTW, ever since I told you about that noise in my ear, I’m listening for bug sounds! I think they’re calling their home planet now
I told you it was a bug. It probably laid eggs and moved on by now.
Hubby told me to call an exterminator!! I think he’s trying to off me lol
Did he take out a policy?? You should look into that.
How can I make that sound tract? You made it, right?
Yes, I’ll send the file if you’d like.
me too? L O V E it
THE BELLS! THE BELLS!
Cute and horrific all at the same time. I laughed, but there is something wrong with me.
I agree about the costumes for women. Tres ridiculous.
Tres porno garb.
Although, my body in one of those would be frightening… and chilly. It’s cold here.
Drink for warmth. I really should be a fashion consultant eh?
See, that’s why I come here. Good advice!
You can add fashion consultant on to your new job description of whore wrangler!
I am so sick of trampy Halloween costumes for women. Like, nobody can even take a woman seriously for one second, even on Halloween, when all we want to do is dress up and have fun. What I want to know is, WHERE are the trampy costumes for MEN? That, I might be able to get behind. (Hehe…)
Oooo or in front of…wait, what?
I tried searching for the sexy mens costumes just now. Just go to a chippendales club. It was very sad.
No thanks. I don’t think banana hammocks are sexy.
Ive come to the conclusion that women’s Halloween costumes are just pole dancer costumes labeled as “Halloween” costumes. But you can get them cheap closer to the big date.
I’m convinced they just get them from a sex shop, in the role playing section.
The costume situation is just appalling. I had to finally grab pieces from the men’s section to find something non whore.
I always have to piece one together. Sadly most come from my own closet. What does this say of my wardrobe when I can make costumes out of most of it?
I’ve noticed this trend for some time now. What?! “Whore Catholic Nun?” All right, who’s been channeling my forbidden teenager dreams?
I’m pretty sure they’re all made in China and this is what China thinks of American women. Well, FUCK YOU CHINA!!
That pic at the end had me L’ing right the fuck OL.
It was fun making it.
Working in events, I have to buy a shit-load of these whore-ish costumes for my team to wear each year. Last Christmas, we ran Moulin Rouge nights – the waitresses and bar tenders looked like fucked up hookers.
This year, the theme nights are Copacabana – which basically consists of a fucking bikini and feather headdresses. It’s beyond ridiculous and I’m putting my foot down – otherwise, I feel like some kind of fancy-dress pimp, whoreing the 18 year old girls out to perverted men on a night out.
I’m taking a stand, Laura.
ps: That bell is beyond amazing!
YEAH Stand up against WHORE costumes! We should start an international campaign!
That’s why I call it Whoreoween. I’m still looking for the “sexy systems analyst” costume. They have a “sexy mutant ninja turtle” costume for sale and I don’t even know how to respond to that. There was nothing remotely sexy about that cartoon, unless you are erotically aroused by turtles doing martial arts and eating pizza. Jeebus.
Turtles are not sexy. Cute, but not sexy.