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Warning: Creating default object from empty value in /home/jimstant/public_html/fetchmyflyingmonkeys/wp-content/themes/platformpro/admin/class.options.metapanel.php on line 49 I am exhausted from studying for my drug test, but felt compelled to share my experience because I knew y’all would want to know. You’re welcome. | Fetch My Flying Monkeys
So I took my drug test yesterday. It was a disaster. I mean, I didn’t fail it, not that I know of yet anyway, I just urinated like a drunk man with no arms pissing into the wind. I was all “Shit. I know my urethra is somewhere around here. I took anatomy dammit.” But it’s not every day I try to piss into a container with the opening the same circumference as a camera’s lens cap. The lady specifically told me to hand her the ”cup” before washing my hands when I was done and when I pulled the “cup” up and took a look, I thought “Gross! I’m a fucking bio-hazard right now.” But I didn’t care. I called out to her and handed it to her like a bartender handing her a draft beer at Oktoberfest, all proud and shit as it dripped down the sides of the “cup” and my hand. She made an “uggh” face and I smiled real big and said “Now don’t get it mixed up with some crackhead’s sample, m’kay?”
Next I had to pose for a photo for a new ID card and I thought I would have a practice run so just for kicks I pulled a MySpace pose and made a duckface and flashed some gang signs. They snapped the photo and said “Next.” I seriously hope they use that pic on my ID badge. I really, really do. Here’s a rendering of what it will look like:
60 Responses to I am exhausted from studying for my drug test, but felt compelled to share my experience because I knew y’all would want to know. You’re welcome.
Peeing in a cup is a lesson in humility. You feel all badass when you take the cup but you soon find your mind wondering: “What if I drop it? Will there be enough pee to fill another cup? Why is the technician looking at me like I’m a leper? What if they find some weird chemical imbalance and tell me I only have a few weeks to live?”
Then they take your sample, write on it, hand you a piece of paper, which is covered with pee germs and want you to sign it with a pen that has so much pee stain, the end is yellow.
I, once, had a really hot pee technician. I was single at the time, but couldn’t really get past the small talk, such as “How many cups of pee do you see every day?” or “Do you ever lose any? If so, do you have to pay someone to pee so you don’t get in trouble?”
And why don’t they give women a cup the size of a BEDPAN????? Men have that handy nozzle (how can they miss?), and women have to hit a bottlecap with a firehose!! Hate those tests. Lucky they didn’t say, “Congratulations, you’re pregnant!” And, in your panicked state, you’d be all, “But that can’t be! Boo is in CA with some skanky W%ORE!!!”. And they’d be like, “Just kidding”. And then you could show them the nature of your business by strangling them with your pee-covered hand… But I digress. Pee tests are yucky.
…and I like the badge. I really think you should make one and wear it at work. You’ll probably get a ration of crap over it, but you can just tell them a rally special disabled niece made it with their feet, because they don’t have hands and you promised you’d wear it.
They’re all asking for it though, with all this ‘mid-stream’ bull. “How do we create more pee on more hands and the outside of cups? I know! Tell the ladies they have to catch it mid-stream.”
I recognized those “gang signs” before I read it! I think those people deserve bio hazards handed to them, you should have offered the woman to “hold the cup in place” since they are sooo trusting!
Since you’re the secret clandestine head of the JIA, fire up the DOA. Just don’t tell me anything about it. It’s a need to know basis, and I don’t need to know, unless it’s in one of our secret non existent meetings. I need to be able to lie truthfully.
The Overseer of Corn has been hired, but he’s your package. I would think you need to bring the Head Sniper in on it, just in case and I’m just sayin’.
Of course, if there are some people in HR with a sense of humor, they could end up using that picture as part of a presentation on professional behavior and appearance.
Your picture could be labelled “How Not To Look In The Morning Upon Arrival At Work.”
The bunch o’bitches could probably have a field day with the pic.
Never give your opponent ammunition to use against ya. (Rule 147, subsection C-1, of the Professional Assassins Policies And Procedures Manual, 7th Ed., 2011)
I think women should be allowed to ask for gloves. If the pee tech is allowed a pair when handling our pee cup, we should be allowed some too! After all, we’re the ones putting our hand in the “danger” zone! It’s just so gross!
Although I don’t really subscribe to drugs, I must say nutin cures my migraines like a couple of vikes. Maybe a couple of perks? I tried H one time and ended up at a costume party in Queens. Someone stole my clothes and WMP dressed me as The Headless Horseman. People can be so damn cruel…
Peeing in a cup is the worst, I always end up with urine on me, even if I’m peeing into something the size of a pitcher. I think I have bad hand / vadge coordination.
You should know that to improve your aim you need to go to the RANGE more!
And cool badge, but are you sure you should have published the name of your clandestine organization?
THAT is one fucking awesome ID badge!! LOL!
Ain’t it though.
LMAO!! I hope they put it on your badge too.
I do too.
You need that on a t-shirt.
I really do.
Well, you look like you’re on something… but I know it’s just coffee….. can they detect too much Keurig?
I hope not.
HA! I want that shirt !!!!!!!!!
I will sell them cheap- ten thousand dollars. Each.
It will look more badass if you still had pee dripping from your fingers when you flashed the gang signs!
Good lawd! I washed them after I handed my cup to the lady.
Peeing in a cup is a lesson in humility. You feel all badass when you take the cup but you soon find your mind wondering: “What if I drop it? Will there be enough pee to fill another cup? Why is the technician looking at me like I’m a leper? What if they find some weird chemical imbalance and tell me I only have a few weeks to live?”
Then they take your sample, write on it, hand you a piece of paper, which is covered with pee germs and want you to sign it with a pen that has so much pee stain, the end is yellow.
I, once, had a really hot pee technician. I was single at the time, but couldn’t really get past the small talk, such as “How many cups of pee do you see every day?” or “Do you ever lose any? If so, do you have to pay someone to pee so you don’t get in trouble?”
HAHA!!
I did wonder about a disease being detected! HA!
And why don’t they give women a cup the size of a BEDPAN????? Men have that handy nozzle (how can they miss?), and women have to hit a bottlecap with a firehose!! Hate those tests. Lucky they didn’t say, “Congratulations, you’re pregnant!” And, in your panicked state, you’d be all, “But that can’t be! Boo is in CA with some skanky W%ORE!!!”. And they’d be like, “Just kidding”. And then you could show them the nature of your business by strangling them with your pee-covered hand… But I digress. Pee tests are yucky.
HAHAHA! I would have liked to have choked someone yesterday too…. But I digress.
…and I like the badge. I really think you should make one and wear it at work. You’ll probably get a ration of crap over it, but you can just tell them a rally special disabled niece made it with their feet, because they don’t have hands and you promised you’d wear it.
HAHAHA! I think they’d become suspicious of me doing something that sweet.
I think that ID shows how bold and innovated you are. They’ll probably give you a raise.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH! Ummm..I hope you’re right.
Aaaaaaand… yet another job I do not want: Pee Cup Lady
I know, right? Yuck.
They’re all asking for it though, with all this ‘mid-stream’ bull. “How do we create more pee on more hands and the outside of cups? I know! Tell the ladies they have to catch it mid-stream.”
Those nasty sonsabitches!
I recognized those “gang signs” before I read it! I think those people deserve bio hazards handed to them, you should have offered the woman to “hold the cup in place” since they are sooo trusting!
No way!
DOA?? I hope people don’t peg you for a zombie!!!
Most days I am though.
Since you’re the secret clandestine head of the JIA, fire up the DOA. Just don’t tell me anything about it. It’s a need to know basis, and I don’t need to know, unless it’s in one of our secret non existent meetings. I need to be able to lie truthfully.
The Overseer of Corn has been hired, but he’s your package. I would think you need to bring the Head Sniper in on it, just in case and I’m just sayin’.
I want to know when in the hell I can move into this town. I’m packed.
And the purpose of handing her the cup before you wash your hands was….????
Seriously! That’s just one nasty ass nurse.
Oh, here’s another nastyass animal you may find interesting.
http://youtu.be/4r7wHMg5Yjg
I LOVE the honey badger! He just doesn’t give a fuck.
I wondered that too about not washing after. I haven’t a clue. I did wash my hands after she took the pee.
You should have brought some spray paint and tagged their office!
HAHAHAHA! And wore a do rag color!
Yeah, that would make for a cool badge.
Of course, if there are some people in HR with a sense of humor, they could end up using that picture as part of a presentation on professional behavior and appearance.
Your picture could be labelled “How Not To Look In The Morning Upon Arrival At Work.”
The bunch o’bitches could probably have a field day with the pic.
Never give your opponent ammunition to use against ya. (Rule 147, subsection C-1, of the Professional Assassins Policies And Procedures Manual, 7th Ed., 2011)
Oh that could never be used against me because I find it awesome, and I’m like the honey badger and don’t give a fuck. Ha!
I think women should be allowed to ask for gloves. If the pee tech is allowed a pair when handling our pee cup, we should be allowed some too! After all, we’re the ones putting our hand in the “danger” zone! It’s just so gross!
I KNOW! Those non-glove providing sonsabitches!
Laura, are you sure you want to work somewhere that requires a pee test and a security badge?
I am not sure of anything except Circus Peanits are delicious. And bacon.
I can imagine that photo posted on the “Don’t let this toon on the plane!” list in TSA checkpoints all across the country.
Why should it be any dufferent from my real pic? Ha!
Although I don’t really subscribe to drugs, I must say nutin cures my migraines like a couple of vikes. Maybe a couple of perks? I tried H one time and ended up at a costume party in Queens. Someone stole my clothes and WMP dressed me as The Headless Horseman. People can be so damn cruel…
Ha! I do not want to know HOW you take the pills. I hate the word “suppository.”
Hey, Laura – You know, I never get around to saying it but you do some pretty good stuff here. My hat is off to you. Thanks! –HG
Thanks…I think. Ha!
Peeing in a cup is the worst, I always end up with urine on me, even if I’m peeing into something the size of a pitcher. I think I have bad hand / vadge coordination.
Me too! It’s wild really.
can i use you as a reference, cos seriously, if you were not taken, i’d be stalk- errrrr courting you right about now
So you want to use me a referrence as your potential stalkee? Sure.
That ID badge needs to go in your sidebar…now.
Can’t leave anything to chance.
Ha!
Most excellent badge. At least you entertain yourself at work sometimes.
I gotta, or go crazy. Well, crazier.
The last time I was drug tested I peed all over the cup and proudly handed it to the tester. He had no gloves on, what a dumbass.
For reals.
At some of the laughable Oktoberfests around here, the contents of the specimen cup might be preferable to some of the beer.
Yikes. Now that’s bad beer.
You should know that to improve your aim you need to go to the RANGE more!
And cool badge, but are you sure you should have published the name of your clandestine organization?
Damn. I thought I forgot something.