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Warning: Creating default object from empty value in /home/jimstant/public_html/fetchmyflyingmonkeys/wp-content/themes/platformpro/admin/class.options.metapanel.php on line 49 My inner voice needs a good bitch-slapping. | Fetch My Flying Monkeys
The company I work for is drug testing us this week and even though I don’t do drugs I have to admit that there’s a thought in my head that’s all “OH MY GOD WHAT IF I TEST FALSE POSITIVE!?” because no matter how secure I am in a FACT, particularly this FACT of not doing drugs, there’s this internal voice that screams “NO. YOU’RE WRONG AND YOU’RE GOING TO FAIL, AND YOU’RE GOING TO BE HOMELESS, AND ON TOP OF THAT YOU HAVE EVERY DISEASE KNOWN TO MANKIND FORMING IN YOUR BODY, AND BY THE WAY, YOUR HAIR LOOKS LIKE SHIT IN THE BACK NO MATTER HOW CUTE IT LOOKS IN THE FRONT.” I call this voice “Bitch” and now she’s whispering things like “Expired Benadryl probably tests as an amphetamine and that ‘everything’ bagel you had two weeks ago probably had poppy seeds in it and you saw Seinfeld where Elaine ate a poppy seed bagel and tested positive for opiates so that’s going to happen to you, and even if none of that happens I bet they mix your urine up in the lab with a heroin addict’s urine.” And I’m all “SHUT UP!” But she won’t. She just laughs and says “Ah, don’t worry, you’ll probably go into kidney failure that morning anyway and be unable to pee in the cup.” Fucking bitch.
I’ve always been of the opinion, that if you needed to test someone to find out they’ve been on drugs, then de facto their job performance has clearly not been negatively effected by any potential drug use.
No shit. I remember when I was in the Army, we’d find out at morning formation that we were doing a drug test that day, and no one could leave for any reason until it was finished.
When I worked at GNC, we used to sell the everloving heck out of “cleansing” drinks. They cost $40-75 and, by all accounts, worked quite well. Given that this is basic knowledge, why do companies let you know when they’re testing?
I don’t do drugs either, but the last time I was drug tested the nurse bitch followed me into the stall, holding the cup. I really don’t care if someone looks at my Johnson, but I peed on her hand anyway. I know how to aim, and miss. I admit, it was intentional.
If you had a weiner, at least, you could aim. Haha! I’m certain if you had a Johnson, it would be a big one, and you’d also have a bucket of balls. I have no doubt whatsoever.
I’ll set up a booth right outside the bathroom and sell clean urine to anyone who will buy. It may pay for my Starbucks fix for a while. Of course, latte urine may not test good anyway
Or, just smoke a joint, take a shot of bourbon, and a vicodan before the test. When they ask if you’re taking any medications the answer is: “Sure, but it wouldn’t be much of a test if I told you, would it?”
Here’s the amazing thing: They’ll run your ass off for drugs, but pay some crazy sunzabitch a monthly stipend, and for their badass drugs, like Xanax and Seroquel.
You don’t know how enticing it is to say “screw it”, start foaming at the mouth and collecting Social Security within months. Hell yeah! I’m totally insane. You don’t believe it? Watch me puke on my shoes! Give me some Xanax! Give me some Seroquel!
I’m right there with ya — I have no REASON to test positive, but I am somehow sure I WILL… and how do you prove that you’re NOT on drugs? I certainly can’t.
Wow, that voice *is* a bitch. You’re not going to get a false positive, and even if you did you would just retake the test and everything would be fine – no homelessness. Also, I don’t think you can trust Seinfeld as a respectable source. Oh, and I think you’re hair probably always looks super cute and who cares about the back anyway because you don’t walk around backwards all fucking day, unless you do in which case you should probably work on that. Finally. everyone loves you and nobody would ever let anything bad happen to you. Or Jack. Or your dinosaurs. Everything will be fine. Until the zombies come. Then you’re on your own.
Are you kidding me? I have been training ALL MY LIFE for when the zombies come. People will be traveling from EVERYWHERE to join my group. Mark my word.
I hear ya. My voice is OCD and tells me that I don’t have my house key and that I won’t remember the door code for work and that I left the stove on and don’t have my plane ticket. Lots of time spent checking and rechecking things around me…
Seriously? They need to test workers in a card shop? What kind of Big Brother world is this?
Although, now that I think about it, your holiday dioramas may have raised suspicions.
Umm.. I don’t work in a card shop. Did my spider display throw ya off? I’m a governrment assassin. (And you won’t believe how close to the truth that is.)
My inner bitch voice is much more subtle. For instance, it failed to tell me that today is a blasted holiday, so I got up at 0-fucking-dark-30 and went to work. She tries to hide it, but I can tell she’s snickering back there.
OHMYGOD are they taking just pee? Or pee, blood, AND hair samples? I’d be suspicious that they’re collecting my DNA for some top secret lab somewhere for zombie experiments.
Plus, you wrote “false positive” which makes me think of a pregnancy test and OHMYGOD what if that’s positive too?
Shit. I’m sounding like your bitch inner voice, aren’t I? Mine takes over a lot and goes all conspiracy-theory 99% of the time.
A place I worked at a few years ago announced a drug test, much as you described in your post, for a particular day. I did it, and then a week later, I was notified that I had to report to the admin office downtown to see the VP.
When I got there, the bitch informed me with an accusing tone in her voice that I had to redo the drug test. Seems I had failed it, not because of any drugs, which I don’t do, but because there apparently was soap in the urine sample. I did the test again, and this time everything was good, but damn I was angry. I felt like telling the bitch to shove her drug test right up her ass, but I needed the job too much to risk that.
I hate to tell you this but the mix of gin, circus peanuts, beer, and coconut in your system will test as if you had been doing all sorts of illicit drugs. You better find a source of “clean” urine ASAP.
My inner bastard likes to torture me, too. He’ll say “You know fat cells store THC right?” and I’ll nod in my inner head, then he says “and you smoked pot by the bale back in the day, right?” and yes, I did, so then he says “You are a pretty tubby guy, too – what if there is some pocket of isolated, stranded, saturated with THC fat cells cut off from their brethren like some old Japanese soldier from WWII lost on some island that suddenly come back to fat civilization and blow your test?”
HAHAHAHA! I totally visualized a Japanese soldier on an island throwing rocks at planes as they fly over screaming (in Japanese) “Die you round-eyed bastards!”
If they’d have given us all the same instructions, it would have been different. This was my first drug test ever. I wasn’t told to wash my hands ahead of time and not to flush….somethings are just automatic. Maybe I should have had that alcohol flush ahead of time
That’s also the episode where “Kramer and Jerry are not pleased with the new “low-flow” shower heads that the building’s maintenance department has installed.” (It’s from Wikipedia, so it must be accurate). I am also not pleased with my low-flow showerhead.
When I was on an ICBM combat crew in the USAF they’d call us at 4:00 in the morning and tell us to get dressed, don’t urinate and report to the base mental health clinic within 30 minutes. We called the drug testing program Project Golden Flow. Good thing they didn’t test for blood alcohol content because back then, when off duty, I drank like a fish!
BTW…..I really was one of the guys in the silos, waiting to end WW III, from 1973-1976.(We weren’t there to fight the war. We were there to make sure the Soviets ceased to exist.) Scary that they’d trust a toon like me with a weapon system that could lob a 9 megaton thermonuclear device over the North Pole and onto a Soviet target in 30 minutes or less, ain’t it?
They, and the world, should just be glad it wasn’t me. I would have been all “Take this you commie sonsabitches!” and pressing the buttons like a motherfucker, laughing maniacally.
I take so much stuff for, um, maintenance that they’d probably hand the cup back to me and say “Dump this back in the swamp where you got it and give me some proper piss. Sonsabitch.”
I’ve always been of the opinion, that if you needed to test someone to find out they’ve been on drugs, then de facto their job performance has clearly not been negatively effected by any potential drug use.
Useless stoners make themselves obvious.
I think it’s weird that they told us they’d be testing. I’d sneak that shit on folks just to be a dick.
No shit. I remember when I was in the Army, we’d find out at morning formation that we were doing a drug test that day, and no one could leave for any reason until it was finished.
The way it should be.
When I worked at GNC, we used to sell the everloving heck out of “cleansing” drinks. They cost $40-75 and, by all accounts, worked quite well. Given that this is basic knowledge, why do companies let you know when they’re testing?
I KNOW! Unless they are in cahoots with those cleansing drink people!
I don’t do drugs either, but the last time I was drug tested the nurse bitch followed me into the stall, holding the cup. I really don’t care if someone looks at my Johnson, but I peed on her hand anyway. I know how to aim, and miss. I admit, it was intentional.
I would have peed on her too and then I would have slapped her upside her head with my weiner because I’m pretty sure if I had a weiner it’d be huge.
If you had a weiner, at least, you could aim. Haha! I’m certain if you had a Johnson, it would be a big one, and you’d also have a bucket of balls. I have no doubt whatsoever.
HUGE ones. Everybody would be “LOOK AT THE SIZE OF THOSE BALLS!” And I’ll just smile.
Hmmm….but what kind of assault would that be classed as?
Hmmmm suicide attempt?
LMAO! My inner voice yells evil things at me too!
Those bitches!
I’m always afraid my hair looks like shit in the back!
Me too, but oh well.
I’ll set up a booth right outside the bathroom and sell clean urine to anyone who will buy. It may pay for my Starbucks fix for a while. Of course, latte urine may not test good anyway
It’s probably pure espresso.
I’d sell mine too, as long as I don’t go into kidney failure.
Just puke on the technician. It throws them off and gives you a few days to dry up.
HAHAHA! If I could puke on command I’d be…well, thin. HA!
Or, just smoke a joint, take a shot of bourbon, and a vicodan before the test. When they ask if you’re taking any medications the answer is: “Sure, but it wouldn’t be much of a test if I told you, would it?”
Ha! Then I will come live with you when I lose my home and remember- my animals will be coming too.
Here’s the amazing thing: They’ll run your ass off for drugs, but pay some crazy sunzabitch a monthly stipend, and for their badass drugs, like Xanax and Seroquel.
You don’t know how enticing it is to say “screw it”, start foaming at the mouth and collecting Social Security within months. Hell yeah! I’m totally insane. You don’t believe it? Watch me puke on my shoes! Give me some Xanax! Give me some Seroquel!
You should be a life coach. I would hire you.
That’s the advantage of going bald on the back of my head: no worries about how it looks or Alfala-esque cowlicks ever again!
I need to start checking it before I leave the house.
I’m right there with ya — I have no REASON to test positive, but I am somehow sure I WILL… and how do you prove that you’re NOT on drugs? I certainly can’t.
I certainly can’t either! Ha!
I’m unable to pee in that little cup in the best of circumstances. It’s almost like having some one watch you pee. Yuk.
I pee like a man with no arms when I have to actually expel it at a target. HAHA!
Yeah! Fucking bitch! Your inner voice clearly is one of the Bunch O’Bitches!
She’s a traitor!!
Wow, that voice *is* a bitch. You’re not going to get a false positive, and even if you did you would just retake the test and everything would be fine – no homelessness. Also, I don’t think you can trust Seinfeld as a respectable source. Oh, and I think you’re hair probably always looks super cute and who cares about the back anyway because you don’t walk around backwards all fucking day, unless you do in which case you should probably work on that. Finally. everyone loves you and nobody would ever let anything bad happen to you. Or Jack. Or your dinosaurs. Everything will be fine. Until the zombies come. Then you’re on your own.
Are you kidding me? I have been training ALL MY LIFE for when the zombies come. People will be traveling from EVERYWHERE to join my group. Mark my word.
I hear ya. My voice is OCD and tells me that I don’t have my house key and that I won’t remember the door code for work and that I left the stove on and don’t have my plane ticket. Lots of time spent checking and rechecking things around me…
Seriously? They need to test workers in a card shop? What kind of Big Brother world is this?
Although, now that I think about it, your holiday dioramas may have raised suspicions.
Umm.. I don’t work in a card shop. Did my spider display throw ya off? I’m a governrment assassin. (And you won’t believe how close to the truth that is.)
heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
this seriously has me laughing
Laura I need your assasin skills over here…..how much?
Ten thousand dollars and a bottle of gin.
I think they should drug test teachers….some of us look crazy
I did study for mine.
My inner bitch voice is much more subtle. For instance, it failed to tell me that today is a blasted holiday, so I got up at 0-fucking-dark-30 and went to work. She tries to hide it, but I can tell she’s snickering back there.
OH NOES! I wish mine told me to stay in bed…no holidy here. The South hates Columbus.
Yeah, I love poppy seed muffins…they don’t drug test here. We are usually drunk by noon anyway
…I wish.
I want that job!
OHMYGOD are they taking just pee? Or pee, blood, AND hair samples? I’d be suspicious that they’re collecting my DNA for some top secret lab somewhere for zombie experiments.
Plus, you wrote “false positive” which makes me think of a pregnancy test and OHMYGOD what if that’s positive too?
Shit. I’m sounding like your bitch inner voice, aren’t I? Mine takes over a lot and goes all conspiracy-theory 99% of the time.
Mine mostly wants me broke, homeless, then dead. Never pregnant THANK GOD.
Is your inner voice related to Jack??? Or is it Jack???
Probably Satan on both counts.
A place I worked at a few years ago announced a drug test, much as you described in your post, for a particular day. I did it, and then a week later, I was notified that I had to report to the admin office downtown to see the VP.
When I got there, the bitch informed me with an accusing tone in her voice that I had to redo the drug test. Seems I had failed it, not because of any drugs, which I don’t do, but because there apparently was soap in the urine sample. I did the test again, and this time everything was good, but damn I was angry. I felt like telling the bitch to shove her drug test right up her ass, but I needed the job too much to risk that.
They know it too, that’s why they get all bitchy.
And they didn’t even offer to help you with your soap problem?
Sonsabitches.
I think you need to introduce that voice to duct tape. Lots and lots of duct tape.
And gin.
Unless they are testing for Circus Peanuts, gin, and international beer, you are probably safe. ;D Good luck!
HA! Or Coconut Dream cookies!
I am sooo not laughing.
I’M NOT!!!
I have duct tape on my mouth. FACT!!
DO NOT LAUGH!
I hate to tell you this but the mix of gin, circus peanuts, beer, and coconut in your system will test as if you had been doing all sorts of illicit drugs. You better find a source of “clean” urine ASAP.
Or, I’m just teasing.
You’ll find out soon.
I’ll find out soon indeed. I already peed for them today.
I am totally against drug testing.
Can you do your job? Great! Can’t do your job? Get fired! Simple as that.They don’t need to play with your pee to figure that out.
I just think it’s a “thinning of the herd” tactic.
I wonder, is it only women who have that bitch living in their heads….
Some men have them living in their house.
My inner bastard likes to torture me, too. He’ll say “You know fat cells store THC right?” and I’ll nod in my inner head, then he says “and you smoked pot by the bale back in the day, right?” and yes, I did, so then he says “You are a pretty tubby guy, too – what if there is some pocket of isolated, stranded, saturated with THC fat cells cut off from their brethren like some old Japanese soldier from WWII lost on some island that suddenly come back to fat civilization and blow your test?”
The bastard.
HAHAHAHA! I totally visualized a Japanese soldier on an island throwing rocks at planes as they fly over screaming (in Japanese) “Die you round-eyed bastards!”
If they’d have given us all the same instructions, it would have been different. This was my first drug test ever. I wasn’t told to wash my hands ahead of time and not to flush….somethings are just automatic. Maybe I should have had that alcohol flush ahead of time
You should have had a beer.
That’s also the episode where “Kramer and Jerry are not pleased with the new “low-flow” shower heads that the building’s maintenance department has installed.” (It’s from Wikipedia, so it must be accurate). I am also not pleased with my low-flow showerhead.
I want more water pressure too!
When I was on an ICBM combat crew in the USAF they’d call us at 4:00 in the morning and tell us to get dressed, don’t urinate and report to the base mental health clinic within 30 minutes. We called the drug testing program Project Golden Flow. Good thing they didn’t test for blood alcohol content because back then, when off duty, I drank like a fish!
BTW…..I really was one of the guys in the silos, waiting to end WW III, from 1973-1976.(We weren’t there to fight the war. We were there to make sure the Soviets ceased to exist.) Scary that they’d trust a toon like me with a weapon system that could lob a 9 megaton thermonuclear device over the North Pole and onto a Soviet target in 30 minutes or less, ain’t it?
They, and the world, should just be glad it wasn’t me. I would have been all “Take this you commie sonsabitches!” and pressing the buttons like a motherfucker, laughing maniacally.
I take so much stuff for, um, maintenance that they’d probably hand the cup back to me and say “Dump this back in the swamp where you got it and give me some proper piss. Sonsabitch.”
HAHAH!Be glowing green, eh?