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Pillow Fight | Fetch My Flying Monkeys
Everyone needs a fleet of flying monkeys to rip the stuffing out of the annoying people in their lives
— Laura

I haven’t wanted to mention this, mainly because I’m afraid saying it will jinx it somehow, but remember the Wake-Up Light I ordered based solely on their use of a rooster (not to mention there’s a goat too) in their ad? Well, ever since I’ve started using it I have not had one bad bout of insomnia. That’s right. Not one. It’s like a miracle. And because I’ve been sleeping so well, and my head is so bulbous it crushes normal pillows, I decided to get a couple of top of the line down pillows, one with a soft core and one with a harder core. I always use two pillows because I sleep on my stomach and side. Anyway, I threw all my old pancake pillows away and I told J that he needed to get a down pillow too because I already had to sell some blood and bone marrow to get mine and he was all “Laura, that’s INSANE to pay that for pillows!” and then he went to Target and got some misshapen blobs called pillows (I think they are just cut up couch cushions shoved into a pillowcase myself) out of a bargain bin for like 2 for $3.00. Then he brought them to the house and was all smug and shit about how little he paid as he set them on the bed in their 600 thread count cases. I just glared at him and said “Oh yeah, lay your head on one of these babies” and tossed him one of my down pillows. He placed it under his head and his eyes widened and he was all “Oh. Wow. That’s comfy.” I said “Ain’t it though” and yanked it from under him and threw his deformed discount pillows at him, set my alarm light, and said goodnight.

I drifted off to sleep all nestled in my pillows in nothing flat and dreamt of moonbeams and unicorns and fluffy geese flying over a rainbow when suddenly my body, specifically my neck, started screaming in agony and my legs were numb. I opened my eyes and quickly realized that my head was lying on the bed with no pillow and I was all “What the hell?” I rose up on my elbows, rubbed the sleep from my eyes and looked over at J where he was sleeping like a baby; his head NESTLED IN MY TWO DOWN PILLOWS. His two lumpy ghetto pillows had been cast over to my side. 

I mumbled “motherfucker” softly and for a few seconds thought about smothering him in his sleep with one of his cast off shitty pillows, but I just kicked them onto the floor instead. I then quickly grabbed both of my pillows from under his head, flipped over on my side, my back to him, where I placed one under my head and the other against my stomach all in one ninja smooth move. I then applied a death grip on the one I was laying on when I heard him awaken and sit up. I closed my eyes and tightened my grip and he whispered in a groggy voice “Are you asleep?” I let out a fake tiny snore and again, tightened my grip even more on my pillow, planning to elbow him in his face if he dared to reach for it. He lay back down and when I heard his breathing falling into a sleep pattern, I slowly took my second pillow and slid it over the side and under the bed, hiding it from the pillow Nazi.

 And then I went back to my dream of moonbeams and unicorns and fluffy geese flying over rainbows.

P.S. No one paid me to talk about how wonderful the light alarm is or how owning two down pillows is like owning prime real estate in heaven but someone really should. I’d buy more down pillows with the money and build a fort with them where I could protect them better and launch counter-attacks. Yeah. “Bring it on motherfucker, I’m in my heavenly pillow fort now.”

76 Comments
 

76 Responses to Pillow Fight

  1. Jennifer says:

    LMAO!! I want one of those light alarms!! And two down pillows!

  2. Heather says:

    LOL! I would feel sorry for J but stealing pillows is just plain wrong!

  3. Joe the Blog Stalker says:

    Okay, that was funny.

  4. Mr. Bingley says:

    I would buy high-falutin’ pillows, but since they would end up as dog-butt supports I just can’t justify it.

  5. Jess says:

    They stuff those cheap pillows with shredded plywood and glue. After two hours, the glue and plywood bind, flatten and you awake feeling as though you slept on a board.

  6. Yabu says:

    The Juju Woman and I have four top of the liners downers pillows. We even take ‘em with us when we travel (driving). Our bed is important. Highest tread count sheets, and we’ll switch to flannel when it gets cold. Down feather-bed, down comforter, and great quilts. We have a Sleigh bed that weighs about a million pounds. The bed is very important, without a doubt the most important piece of furniture in our house.

  7. wpdunn71901@gmail.com says:

    ah romance!

  8. Hoody Hoo says:

    Chuckweasel is also an unstoppable pillow-stealing Nazi, because he is CONVINCED the pillows designated as “his” are the shittiest pillows in the house (they’re not, they’re only the second-shittiest — the shittiest ones are on the arms of the couch). Plus he sleeps SO DEEPLY you’d think he was dead if not for the snoring, so it’s harder than hell to get MY PILLOWS out from under HIS pillow-thieving head! I am now NOT buying new pillows PURELY FROM SPITE.

    • Laura says:

      You should pinch off his nose and cover his mouth at the same time and when he’s startled awake and raises his head, steal yours back. You’re welcome.

  9. Princess says:

    I am SHOCKED. that “J” would stoop to Pillow snatching… Nocturnal pillow snatching at that. That is worse than stealing the covers….

  10. I’m allergic to feathers, so no heavenly down pillows for me.

    Also, pillow stealing should be a federal offense. I shall write my local congressman.

    • Laura says:

      Let’s turn him in for a reward. Mine are hypoallergenic and in a special case PLUS I bought a special silk pillowcases that feel like a piece of heaven against your face and I don’t get face creases anymore! I do, however drool. I’m bringing sexy back!

  11. Jena says:

    I was just thinking of asking you about your light again. Imma gonna have to get one! And the fucking NERVE of the commie-naz-bastard! THE NERVE!!!

    where did u get ur pillows?

    • Laura says:

      At Macy’s. I LURVE them. I LURVE my light most of all. Seriously, NOT one bout of insomnia since I started using that and OMG it wakes you up so gently- no more statling awake. It makes a difference.

  12. Tea says:

    I love my bed and spent way more money on fancy sheets than I have on probably everything else in my bedroom… but I have crappy pillows. I think I should rectify this.

  13. Elphaba says:

    Hey, Laura,
    Tell J that I said he can get awesome down pillows and still retain his cheapass Nazi cred by shopping at linens.com. They have great sales, and I buy all of my bedding there. To put this in context for you, I’ll reveal that I am such a bedding snob that none of the sheets in my dumpy little house are less than 600 thread count; in fact, the best sheets I own are 1000 thread count silk. Like buttah. I have heard it said that you should never scrimp on bed/bedding or shoes, because you will spend the majority of your life in one or the other.

    • Laura says:

      So true! My sheets are like sleeping on buttah. I told him to go get one on sale- I will direct him there. Now that I know his game, he won’t win again.

  14. Curtal Friar says:

    Yeah, stealing pillows is unforgivable. It is a justification for murder in my house. :D

    That said, I must confess a slight disappointment upon reading your post of the day. When I saw the title, my head instantly filled with images of buxom babes playfully slugging it out with pillows. Sadly, that proved to not be the content of the post. Still, good story. :D

    Oh well. I bet J would have liked a post like that too.

    • Laura says:

      my head instantly filled with images of buxom babes playfully slugging it out with pillows

      Umm, no. And if I were ever actually in a pillow fight, I’m sticking a brick in mine so I don’t think it’d be “playful.”

      • Curtal Friar says:

        Hmmm…let’s see:

        A room filled with buxom babes playfully having a pillow fight.

        The door opens and in walks Laura, dressed in fatigues and sporting a playful smile as she asks “Can I play?”

        The other babes squeal their assent, and Laura wades into the fray, swinging her pillow.

        KLUNK KLUNK KLUNK KLUNK KLUNK KLUNK KLUNK

        Seems Laura neglected to tell all the other babes in their undies playfully bashing each other with pillows that she filled her pillow case with bricks.

        She sports an evil smile as she looks down at all the unconscious coeds on the floor and then leaves.

        Fade to black

        I don’t know, might make a cool video. :D

  15. Sue Dunham says:

    Anyone who has had the misfortune to be around free roaming cockerels can tell you the bastards crow all fucken night, night-lite or not. But, enjoy your new sleeping comfort, I my down pillow.

  16. Here in Casa de Aggie, Hubby has not one but TWO down pillows, one of them all eider. What do I have?

    A latex pillow my parents bought for me when I was 12. I refuse to give it up. I have purchased the foam, eider, down, firm core, soft core…. nothing works as well as that latex pillow.

  17. DearSweetMama says:

    I have been on a pillow search since I slept on a wonderful pillow at a hotel. I was a lovely patron – I copied the info to order one instead of stealing it. Honesty does not pay – I should have just stolen it as I have never been able to find it since. Now I am off to Macy’s – what are these magical pillows called? And what about the light? I am tired (ha) of taking ambien to get a night’s sleep. And can you recommend a mouth guard – I keep grinding my teeth. I think that may be situational and will cease once I sink them into someone’s ass.

  18. Roxanne says:

    That’s all I needed to hear. I’m going to set up a down pillow fund-raising thermometer on our blog, because I’ve already sold all my marrow for Little Caesar’s pizzas.

    Has J not been reading your blog?? Does he not understand that your and your friends are begging to rain down justice on evildoers?

  19. Holly says:

    Heck yeah, i have the down pillows in our home and d has been known – on occasion to re-make the bed with them in different pillow cases and on his side…I ALWAYS sniff them out. We also have a down duvet. Snuggly and warm in winter, light and cool in summer, it’s awesome it’s like being wrapped in a feather lined hug

    • Laura says:

      You MUST protect your pillows! Once a person has laid their heads on them that’s all they can think about!

      It really doesn’t get cold enough here for a down comforter, but if it did- I’d get one for sure.

  20. Not to change the subject of fluffy geese and pillows, and you probably already know this, but I did not know this until last night and it made me think of you. Anyway.

    Did you know that the Curse of the Cubs is all over a GOAT! In 1945 when Billy Goat Tavern owner Billy Sianis was asked to leave a World Series game against the Detroit Tigers at the Cubs’ home ground of Wrigley Field because his pet goat was eating other fans’ hot dogs. He cursed the Cubs over his Goat. Is that not the sweetest jesture made on behalf of a goat or what!

  21. The Ghost of Headless Guy says:

    I don’t get the pillow thing. Seriously, I just don’t get it…

  22. Down pillows are worth every single penny. My husbands parents bought us some for Christmas one year and I guard those fabric encased feathers with my life.

  23. Jan says:

    If J wants feathers so much, serve them up with a good helping of tar. That’ll teach him!

  24. One Crazed Chick says:

    Hit him in the head one night while he’s asleep, make him think it was a dream! After he’s startled himself awake, you can then gently take what is rightfully yours.

  25. Liz says:

    As a kid, I had a horrible alergy to down. I had down pillows and would cough all night. Took the doctors a long time to figure out what was causing the “coughing only at night” syndrom.
    Maybe I’ll try again. You’ve made it sound heavenly. I’m a back sleeper so would only need one pillow. I’ll save that money for more tequila (or gin, whichever I run out of first).
    PS – J should have to sleep with NO pillows from now on. Pillow theif!!

  26. CGHill says:

    In my misspent younger years, I bought several pillows out of Target’s bin, and yes, it is an actual bin. In no time at all, they assume a degree of flatness that rivals the American flapjack: you can stuff two, three, maybe more into a perfectly-ordinary pillowcase.

  27. DogsDontPurr says:

    Back in the day, I used to clean houses for rich people, and I was shocked that most of them had the shittiest of bedding. We’re talking styrofoam pillows and polyester sheets. Seriously. And these people had enough money to buy sheets woven with gold. I always thought that was odd.

    But I…who am perpetually in the poor house…spend more money on bedding than I do on clothes! Wayyy more!

    This reminds me of a pillow/drug deal story that I will totally have to blog about. (Yes….pillows can be like drugs!) Stay tuned. I’ll try to write it out and put it on my blog tonight.

  28. Cheryl says:

    There is nothing like a wonderful pillow. I am emotionally attached to my novaform contour pillow. It looks all square and funky but it has changed my night life, well the sleeping part anyway :) I actually, just today, bought a second one to travel with!

  29. I’m b-a-a-a-a-ck! No restraint jacket or padded cell can hold me for long! All I had to do was ram the door, run over the nurse and jump the walls on my imaginary motorcycle……but I digress.

    Now stop giving J grief about those high quality sofa cushion pillows. Do you know how many sofas are thrown away or left sitting in alleys across America each year? Recycling those cushions into discount pillows is good for the planet and provides jobs for all those street urchins I pay $11 a week to work in my sofa cushion conversion operation. That’s big money in Vietnam! Besides, the profits keep me and the Labs in beef jerky!

  30. Nicole says:

    Excellent story and I applaud your pillow hoarding Ninja form.

  31. kim says:

    oh man he is lucky to still be alive. NO one touches my pillow and no one messes with my sleep. I have those barley hull ones they marketed under the name sobakawa back in the day and I adore them. Though I do have some discount bargain bin ones that others may use if they come over and don’t like to sleep on “rice in a sack”

    • Laura says:

      I tried those years ago and the sound kept me awake! Then when I did fall asleep I dreamt I was trapped in a grain silo and was drowning! Do they make them soundless now?

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