I haven’t wanted to mention this, mainly because I’m afraid saying it will jinx it somehow, but remember the Wake-Up Light I ordered based solely on their use of a rooster (not to mention there’s a goat too) in their ad? Well, ever since I’ve started using it I have not had one bad bout of insomnia. That’s right. Not one. It’s like a miracle. And because I’ve been sleeping so well, and my head is so bulbous it crushes normal pillows, I decided to get a couple of top of the line down pillows, one with a soft core and one with a harder core. I always use two pillows because I sleep on my stomach and side. Anyway, I threw all my old pancake pillows away and I told J that he needed to get a down pillow too because I already had to sell some blood and bone marrow to get mine and he was all “Laura, that’s INSANE to pay that for pillows!” and then he went to Target and got some misshapen blobs called pillows (I think they are just cut up couch cushions shoved into a pillowcase myself) out of a bargain bin for like 2 for $3.00. Then he brought them to the house and was all smug and shit about how little he paid as he set them on the bed in their 600 thread count cases. I just glared at him and said “Oh yeah, lay your head on one of these babies” and tossed him one of my down pillows. He placed it under his head and his eyes widened and he was all “Oh. Wow. That’s comfy.” I said “Ain’t it though” and yanked it from under him and threw his deformed discount pillows at him, set my alarm light, and said goodnight.
I drifted off to sleep all nestled in my pillows in nothing flat and dreamt of moonbeams and unicorns and fluffy geese flying over a rainbow when suddenly my body, specifically my neck, started screaming in agony and my legs were numb. I opened my eyes and quickly realized that my head was lying on the bed with no pillow and I was all “What the hell?” I rose up on my elbows, rubbed the sleep from my eyes and looked over at J where he was sleeping like a baby; his head NESTLED IN MY TWO DOWN PILLOWS. His two lumpy ghetto pillows had been cast over to my side.
I mumbled “motherfucker” softly and for a few seconds thought about smothering him in his sleep with one of his cast off shitty pillows, but I just kicked them onto the floor instead. I then quickly grabbed both of my pillows from under his head, flipped over on my side, my back to him, where I placed one under my head and the other against my stomach all in one ninja smooth move. I then applied a death grip on the one I was laying on when I heard him awaken and sit up. I closed my eyes and tightened my grip and he whispered in a groggy voice “Are you asleep?” I let out a fake tiny snore and again, tightened my grip even more on my pillow, planning to elbow him in his face if he dared to reach for it. He lay back down and when I heard his breathing falling into a sleep pattern, I slowly took my second pillow and slid it over the side and under the bed, hiding it from the pillow Nazi.
And then I went back to my dream of moonbeams and unicorns and fluffy geese flying over rainbows.
P.S. No one paid me to talk about how wonderful the light alarm is or how owning two down pillows is like owning prime real estate in heaven but someone really should. I’d buy more down pillows with the money and build a fort with them where I could protect them better and launch counter-attacks. Yeah. “Bring it on motherfucker, I’m in my heavenly pillow fort now.”76 Comments