Warning: Creating default object from empty value in /home/jimstant/public_html/fetchmyflyingmonkeys/wp-content/themes/platformpro/includes/class.layout.php on line 164

Warning: Creating default object from empty value in /home/jimstant/public_html/fetchmyflyingmonkeys/wp-content/themes/platformpro/includes/class.layout.php on line 167

Warning: Creating default object from empty value in /home/jimstant/public_html/fetchmyflyingmonkeys/wp-content/themes/platformpro/includes/class.layout.php on line 170

Warning: Creating default object from empty value in /home/jimstant/public_html/fetchmyflyingmonkeys/wp-content/themes/platformpro/includes/class.layout.php on line 173

Warning: Creating default object from empty value in /home/jimstant/public_html/fetchmyflyingmonkeys/wp-content/themes/platformpro/includes/class.layout.php on line 176

Warning: Creating default object from empty value in /home/jimstant/public_html/fetchmyflyingmonkeys/wp-content/themes/platformpro/includes/class.layout.php on line 178

Warning: Creating default object from empty value in /home/jimstant/public_html/fetchmyflyingmonkeys/wp-content/themes/platformpro/includes/class.layout.php on line 180

Warning: Creating default object from empty value in /home/jimstant/public_html/fetchmyflyingmonkeys/wp-content/themes/platformpro/includes/class.layout.php on line 202

Warning: Creating default object from empty value in /home/jimstant/public_html/fetchmyflyingmonkeys/wp-content/themes/platformpro/includes/class.layout.php on line 206

Warning: Creating default object from empty value in /home/jimstant/public_html/fetchmyflyingmonkeys/wp-content/themes/platformpro/includes/class.layout.php on line 214

Warning: Creating default object from empty value in /home/jimstant/public_html/fetchmyflyingmonkeys/wp-content/themes/platformpro/includes/class.layout.php on line 215

Warning: Creating default object from empty value in /home/jimstant/public_html/fetchmyflyingmonkeys/wp-content/themes/platformpro/includes/class.layout.php on line 217

Warning: Creating default object from empty value in /home/jimstant/public_html/fetchmyflyingmonkeys/wp-content/themes/platformpro/includes/class.layout.php on line 321

Warning: Creating default object from empty value in /home/jimstant/public_html/fetchmyflyingmonkeys/wp-content/themes/platformpro/includes/class.layout.php on line 321

Warning: Creating default object from empty value in /home/jimstant/public_html/fetchmyflyingmonkeys/wp-content/themes/platformpro/includes/class.layout.php on line 321

Warning: Creating default object from empty value in /home/jimstant/public_html/fetchmyflyingmonkeys/wp-content/themes/platformpro/includes/class.layout.php on line 321

Warning: Creating default object from empty value in /home/jimstant/public_html/fetchmyflyingmonkeys/wp-content/themes/platformpro/admin/class.options.metapanel.php on line 56

Warning: Creating default object from empty value in /home/jimstant/public_html/fetchmyflyingmonkeys/wp-content/themes/platformpro/admin/class.options.metapanel.php on line 56

Warning: Creating default object from empty value in /home/jimstant/public_html/fetchmyflyingmonkeys/wp-content/themes/platformpro/admin/class.options.metapanel.php on line 56

Warning: Creating default object from empty value in /home/jimstant/public_html/fetchmyflyingmonkeys/wp-content/themes/platformpro/admin/class.options.metapanel.php on line 56

Warning: Creating default object from empty value in /home/jimstant/public_html/fetchmyflyingmonkeys/wp-content/themes/platformpro/admin/class.options.metapanel.php on line 56

Warning: Creating default object from empty value in /home/jimstant/public_html/fetchmyflyingmonkeys/wp-content/themes/platformpro/admin/class.options.metapanel.php on line 56

Warning: Creating default object from empty value in /home/jimstant/public_html/fetchmyflyingmonkeys/wp-content/themes/platformpro/admin/class.options.metapanel.php on line 56

Warning: Creating default object from empty value in /home/jimstant/public_html/fetchmyflyingmonkeys/wp-content/themes/platformpro/admin/class.options.metapanel.php on line 56

Warning: Creating default object from empty value in /home/jimstant/public_html/fetchmyflyingmonkeys/wp-content/themes/platformpro/admin/class.options.metapanel.php on line 56

Warning: Creating default object from empty value in /home/jimstant/public_html/fetchmyflyingmonkeys/wp-content/themes/platformpro/admin/class.options.metapanel.php on line 49
I swear to God it’s like my employer negotiated with a mobile meth lab for our health care benefits. | Fetch My Flying Monkeys
Everyone needs a fleet of flying monkeys to rip the stuffing out of the annoying people in their lives
— Laura

My eye rabies has almost completely disappeared so I decided to get an eye exam and get a new pair of glasses since my last ones were eaten by my dog Jack. I didn’t go to my regular eye doctor because he doesn’t take my vision insurance, which isn’t insurance so much as a discount card; a really bad discount card. I didn’t particularly care for the place, or the doctor. He looked like a heroin addict and was in desperate need of a good hair conditioner, but I suffered through and when it was over I was left with dilated pupils trying to find my car by feel in the parking lot. I may or may not have tried to insert my car keys into an old man’s ass at one point. I’m not sure. Anyway, my glasses will be in in 2 weeks because apparently my “insurance” only pays for a lab in some remote Mongolian village only accessible via horseback. My pupils are still dilated and I still can’t see very well and I only pray the heroin addict put the correct drops in. But look at me, blogging anyway because I’m a damn martyr and I wanted to show you what I won over at Sugar Free Thoughts:

I don't even want to know what that Pteranodon is doing to the edge of the mug. I put it through the dishwasher twice just to be on the safe side.

Heather got her word published in the Urban Dictionary and held a mug giveaway. I won because I’m a winner and apparently wangworthy. I now have proof. 

wangworthy To be worthy of one’s wang; hot enough to screw: unskanky
Kelly checked herself twice in the mirror  to make sure she was wangworthy enough for the wedding reception; what with all of the hot guys that were sure to be there.

“No, she wasn’t really wangworthy but I was drunk and it was dark.”

71 Comments
 

71 Responses to I swear to God it’s like my employer negotiated with a mobile meth lab for our health care benefits.

  1. Larry says:

    Just don’t ask about the dentist. Congrats on the mug!

  2. Jennifer says:

    LMAO! That title cracked me up! LOL!!

    That is one cool mug!

  3. Tara says:

    LOL! I just love your blog! Oh and that “Guy on a Buffalo” video on your sidebar is HYSTERICAL!!

  4. Jena says:

    LOL. 2 weeks?! I get mine in a week or 2 days! Ive never had vision insurance. Iv always paid straight outta pocket. lots of money each year for glasses. But now my eyes have stabilized and technology for lenses are good. I dont pay as much. Avg is around 300.00. Its my frames now that costs so much! 100 frames and 100 each lens.

    Cool mugs!

    • Laura says:

      I have needed glasses for YEARS. I don’t wear them. Maybe 2-3 hours a year. My vision has improved every year I don’t wear them. FACT. Soon I will have x-ray vision.

  5. Princess says:

    I have much the same trouble with my so called “Insurance”… There are no “Participating Physicians” Whats that tell ya… I find that Wal-mart has pretty good discount Doctors and a wide assortment of frames from “Not Sold Last Year” warehouses…

  6. Tad says:

    I love getting my eyes dilated, I like walking around and looking at things. they seem so much bigger and brighter…. But I still run into things..like doorways… go figure.

  7. Jess says:

    I had a few snarky comments, but your post reminded me it’s time for my eye exam and new glasses. That took away my snark and made me forget a really snarky comment about your coffee mug.

    Damn! I need more coffee and Xanax.

  8. Yabu says:

    I know what you mean about glass labs. The one my eye guy uses is in Machu Picchu.

    Congratulations on being wangworthy. I would expect nothing less from The Head Pimp.

  9. My eye doctor always admonishes me for never cleaning my contacts. But my eyeballs have yet to fall out, so shows what he knows.

    Also, awesome mug! I’m slightly jealous.

    • Laura says:

      Everyone is envious of my mug. And I love that. I’m all “Look at my mug, it is like no other” and yeah, they look at me like I’m retarded, but only because they are jealous of my wangworthiness, oh, and my mug.

  10. Mr. Bingley says:

    Does a certain androgynous Facebook friend of yours with a heavy swedish accent know of your “wangworthiness”? How much would you pay to hear him say “Laura you are so vank-vurdy”…

  11. Hoody Hoo says:

    my insurance always wants the dr’s “authorization” for every prescription — as if her writing out the prescription wasn’t a sign she had authorized it! Our healthcare suuuuuuuuuuuuucks.

  12. Sharon says:

    “It’s all bullshit. We’re all on death panels. I swear we are. It’s like Logan’s Run all up in here.”

    My favorite health care comment of all time.

  13. I bet Alexander Skarsgard would just LOVE to see that mug on his FB wall….

  14. Did that fucking dinosaur drink all of the gin out of the mug??

    You are truly wangworthy and I’m glad my mug has such a fabulous new home and I swear I didn’t cry when I put it in the mail. I DIDN’T!!!

    Cheers, buddy!!

  15. cricket says:

    Congratulations!

    My favorite penis description word: Wenis.

    As in: He said he’d go out with me again if I stopped calling it a wenis.

  16. patti says:

    I can loan you a horse if you should need one to get to that village Dr. She even knows how to swim now.

  17. nightfly says:

    Admit it… you found the Guy on the Buffalo because of the “related” Alexander Skarsgård video. (Skarsgård on Jimmy Fallon, 12 Sept 2011)

    Because you know, if true, it’s really cool that Alex would think of all of us and lead you to put such an awesome video on your sidebar. Thanks, Alex!

  18. Jeffro says:

    Since you are on a roll with your winning ways, perhaps now might be the time to invest in lottery tickets.

  19. Dannie says:

    so serious question: Did you watch the new series on Fox called Terra Nova last night? when a guy got dragged out by a dinosaur during one scene where the mandatory “oh my god, we’re gonna die” teens are trying to stay alive my thoughts totally turned to you and thought “damn, she would be excited and start blogging about the great dinosaur wars”

    • Laura says:

      I had to DVR it! I can’t wait to see it! I squeal, yes squeal, like a school girl whenever I watch CGI dinosaurs on TV. My friends are all “Simmah down Laura and stop acting like a 9 year old boy.”

      • Dannie says:

        LOL, well I don’t want to predict anything, but I think you may like it. Like one of my FB friends said….it’s like Fringe meets Jurassic Park meets Terminator. LOL I plan on DVRing the season. :)

  20. llama says:

    The whore got voted of Dancing with the Stars this week. Your voodoo must have worked. Well done.

  21. I bet the old man enjoyed the attention of your car keys. Congrats. Again, Sugar Free! But what the hell with the pterodactyl?

  22. Laurie says:

    You haven’t posted or responded to anything for over 24 hours. I hope this doesn’t mean that your eye rabies is back or your eyes are still dilated or the pterodactyl drank too much coffee and took it out on you.

    • Laura says:

      Ha! No, I actually went to the range after work and then had a bunch of weapons to clean. You know, the normal stuff assassins do. But thank you for asking ’bout me!

  23. Otter says:

    There’s a whole website devoted to “kitlers”, google “cats who look like Hitler”, lol

  24. Did he not share his heroin? Pity.

  25. Damn it, Laura, I may be a rabid Rolling Stones fan and even look a little like Mick when I’ve been off my meds for a couple of years but that was not what I meant when I was strolling through the parking lot singing “Start Me Up”!

  26. iampisspot says:

    Jesus-a-christ, Laura, I thought that frickin’ mug said wanKworthy. I had to read it twice. But then I read the definition of wanGworthy and figured both words pretty much mean the same thing anyway.

    Go! You wanKworthy, wanGworthy thang, you.

    ps: Is wank even a word in America?

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

*

You may use these HTML tags and attributes: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <strike> <strong>