Everyone needs a fleet of flying monkeys to rip the stuffing out of the annoying people in their lives
— Laura
Sarah G, a long time reader, emailed me a link the other day about September 28th being World Rabies Day because she knows I suffer from thumb rabies. This got me to thinking about how little is known about thumb rabies and how it’s like the redheaded stepchild of the foaming at the mouth, barking rabies. I decided I needed to be more active in the treatment and cure of my own disease, so instead of thinking globally and acting locally I’ll just think personally and act selfishly and start a campaign of my own to raise money. My plan is to not only make more people aware of thumb rabies, but to help the burden thumb rabies has put on my life. Things like not being able to open mayonnaise or pickle jars, being unable to hold a large hair brush while blow drying my hair, or shoot marbles, and not to mention never again being able to thumb wrestle. All things YOU take for granted.
So from now until September 28th I will be asking for donations to find a cure for my thumb rabies. If a cure can’t be found, rest assured your money will be put to good use, like funding pain management (gin and Circus Peanuts), medical seminars (trips to Hollywood California to play doctor with George Clooney), and research and development for a vaccine (more gin) so that no one will ever again have to suffer with this heinous affliction.
Start giving today so I can have a richer tomorrow.
This is a button you can grab for your blog to help educate people on the horrors of thumb rabies. With everyone's help we can wipe out thumb rabies in our lifetime or I can, at the very least, go shopping.
(You can do a search for “thumb rabies” on that search thingy over there on the sidebar to read about my ongoing battle with thumb rabies. Or not.)
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65 Responses to For the price of a really, really nice cup of coffee per day, and perhaps a fancy French pastry, and about thirty to forty more dollars, you can help rid the world of a horrible disease. Or get me upgraded to First Class on my trip to California.
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I see the goal is 1 million. With that kind of dosh you can fund a lot of research…or pain management…
Good luck!
Always set your goals high.
A worthy cause, good luck, Laura.
However, due to the wallet leprosy my wife spread throughout my bank account, I will be unable to contribute at this time.
You don’t have any spare gin, do you?
There is never “spare” gin.
you should include a picture of thumb rabies in order to show just how bad this can get. Sympathy gets ya more money
Thumb rabies is a silent killer.
Too funny! I can’t open mayonnaise or pickle jars, hold a large hair brush while blow drying my hair, shoot marbles, or thumb wrestle. Do I have thumb rabies?! Also, I don’t like gin, will whiskey work? Thank God you’ve been so proactive in bringing attention to this cause.
You may have thumb rabies! If whiskey helps..go for it.
LMAO! This is too funny! I would give but I just paid my electric bill! LOL
Damn.
Offer Sarah G the position of “Director of Rabies Cure and Prevention”.
I will.
Now, just where, exactly, has your thumb BEEN??
I mean, we’ve all followed along breathlessly with each account of your suffering, but I don’t think any of us really knows HOW your thumb came to be rabified Wait, “rabified” looks Jewish somehow. So, is it like Tay Sachs?
I haven’t been to Israel or New York. You reckon a rabbi voodooed me?
Holy shit….it just hit me when I read this! Could your thumb rabies be from a “misguided” pin through a voodoo doll? I mean, you could have accidentally pricked yourself with a pin that was meant for George’s whore (or at least her voodoo doll replica)!!! Those pins carry awesome powers. It’s just a thought.
With voodoo anything’s possible.
I’m new to viewing your blog (is that like blind voyeurism?) so I went to the search thingy to find out about your thumb rabies. The only thing I found was a reference to other posts and a stern warning: 404 file not found.
I’m thinking that Satan, once again, is tormenting you for home improvement and nice thoughts – probably on the same day.
So, maybe if you post a picture of your thumb rabies it will help shock potential donors and make some vomit in their mouth. That always gets money. People don’t like to vomit in their mouth, unless they’re trying to prove a point.
It shouldn’t be doing that. It didn’t for me. Maybe a voodoo curse ricocheted and hit you or it. I don’t know. All I know is no one is donating. Here’s the main mention of my thumb rabies:
http://www.fetchmyflyingmonkeys.com/2010/09/24/i-should-put-my-thumb-on-a-prayer-list-yes-it-still-hurtsand-has-rabies-thanks-for-your-concern-thats-calledsarcasm-in-case-youre-wondering/
Well you did leave off the fake donation link…. just saying..
I want donations SENT to me.
I am very concerned about your thumb rabies. I don’t happen to have any cash, but I do have three unopened bottles of gin. Is it possible to donate directly to the research department?
Yes, gifts are totally acceptable. Gin is like cash.
I would be happy to donate except I bit my thumbnail off and now I think I have BOTH kinds of rabies…
You need to start a fundraiser too. Get well soon before the drooling begins.
Joan, I believe you could be right!
two words
goat narcolepsy
Three letters WTF? Ha!
Do you payment in any of the following forms:
Pay Pal?
My neighbor’s Visa?
2 hundred bajillion pennies from my daughter’s piggy bank?
Doritos?
Monopoly money? Not the lousy ones either, I’m talking the hundred bills.
Disease swap? I’ll take your thumb rabies if you take my deep vein thrombosis.
I mean ACCEPT payment. I’m so cool I leave out words.
Damn blood clot must be near my brain….
I know the feeling.
The first four I will.
If I am offered the Directorship of Rabies Cure and Prevention I will respectfully accept. I will focus on prevention and encourage my husband in making his most excellent gin &tonics.
HIRED!
You now have a new job.
You have my sympathy for the cause.
The zombie moths ate all my money, apparently.
The doc took away my nippy bottle. And beer. And vodka. And red wine. Bastard.
I can sneak a few in shell peanuts away from the hoard but they aren’t technically circus peanuts.
*sniffle* I need sympathy.
I do (and always have) feel bad about your thumb rabies. However, being a shoe whore leaves me with NO money to donate (I just bought 6 new pairs this weekend). So sorry. And, I will not give you any of my gin. But, if I see sale on those gross circus peanuts, maybe I’ll buy a bag for you. Maybe.
PS – I don’t take any of those things for granted, especially thumb wrestling which is weird.
Ha! Damn y’all are a bunch of broke sonsabitches.
I know, right!?
I fear I cannot contribute to your rabies account, but if you do find your way to my home, I do have five different brands of gin.
Dearest Laura,I am new to your blog, I’ve never heard of your thumb rabies…I should have scrolled through old posts to find about about your pain and suffering! I AM SO SORRY FOR YOUR PAIN!!!
I started a prayer chain in Iraq…AND I was told, (In strictest confidence)that if you drink a FULL glass of gin whilst standing on your right foot..with your rabies filled thumb inanother glass of gin..within 3 day, yes 3 days!!! you will be cured…Good luck!
I’ve tried that! Sadly, it did not work! And welcome!
That only works if you forward all your chain email to all of your friends within 24 hours. Or so I’m told.
Dammit.
I…uh…gave at the office.
A likely story…
Does your thumb rabies impair proper use of a firearm? If so, this is a very serious problem. I may just need to go scrounge some change out of the floor mats of my truck.
No, luckily it does not…but I’ll still take the change.
You know that thumb rabies is just an early sign of zombiefication.
When I become a zombie, I’m gonna be an awesome zombie.
Damn. I thought I had some extra millions just laying around that needed a cause like this, but advanced crotch rot of the brain has caused me to forget just where I put them.
Please excuse me while I go farble the greekenoids.
Dammit!
I personally will donate.. I just need the PO Box # and my cheque will be in the mail tomorrow. But I am afraid I can only start with $500.00. as that is all I can spare this month. Perhaps next month will be better. I too , want to find a cure for thumb rabies…. other than gin cuz then I get head rabies….
Ha! Ummm $500 will do. This month.
The check is in the mail. I always get suckered into donating to good causes…
It is a good cause for sure.
They do lots of medical research in San Diego ya know. They pay for “volunteers” too.
Oooooo I love San Diego…
If gin and circus peanuts cannot cure thumb rabies what is this world coming too?
I know! Incurable.
well apparently breast milk is magical and cures indigestion, maybe it cures thumb rabies too. this woman has plenty and this is your ew link for the day (unless you’re into it and then i have to wonder even more about you
http://www.parenting.com/blogs/show-and-tell/sasha-parentingcom/man-goes-all-breast-milk-diet?src=soc&dom=fb
Jesus Christ on a moped. That is disgusting.
If Laura says it’s disgusting…ain’t no way in HELL I’m clicking on that link…
(And earlier today, we were talking about you, Laura…trying to imagine if we knew anyone like you. My husband finally decided we didn’t, because ‘we didn’t have any bail bonds men on speed dial’…our loss).
HAHAHAHAHAH!Why does everybody say that?
Unfortunately I’m strapped about now, but I can put you in touch with a certain Col. Morgan who found a large fortune in Iraq and is looking for some discreet assistance in moving it out of the country. I figure with your background in governmental assassination you can work something out between you.
That sonsabitch never got back in touch with me after I gave him my account number and shit.