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Warning: Creating default object from empty value in /home/jimstant/public_html/fetchmyflyingmonkeys/wp-content/themes/platformpro/admin/class.options.metapanel.php on line 49 The City of Columbia Water Company is trying to kill me. | Fetch My Flying Monkeys
I opened my water bill yesterday and this piece of paper fell out:
Sudden numbness or weakness of the face, arm and/or leg, particlarly on one side- CHECK.
Trouble getting words out or being understood, confusion- CHECK.
Blurred vision- CHECK.
Trouble with coordination, balance, or walking- CHECK.
Headache for no reason- CHECK.
AND I live in the damn buckle of the stroke belt. THE. BUCKLE.
So my hypochondria goes into overdrive and I’m totally, internally freaking out, and when that happens there’s just one thing to do and that’s call J.
“OH MY GOD! I think I’m having a stroke! You need to take me to Palmetto Health!
“What?”
So I read him the symptoms on the paper.
“My left side is numb!”
“Were you lying on the couch watching back to back “Teen Mom” again?”
“Umm yes.”
“I have trouble being understood.”
“Not when you’re cussing someone out.”
“Blurred vison! I have blurred vision!”
“You have dry eyes and you need to replace the glasses Jack chewed up.”
“I am totally uncoordinated!”
“You had a few imported beers, right?”
“You’re giving me a fucking headache.”
“And that completes the list.”
*Click*
So I looked at the paper again, to see if I missed anything when I noticed there was something on the back:
Exactly “So my hypochondria goes into overdrive and I’m totally, internally freaking out, and when that happens there’s just one thing to do and that’s call J.”
I know, right? We are having the worst fucking drought here EVER. it has broken all previous records and we dont get a fucking notice in our water bill like you do? im calling them Monday!
It’s a racket. You read the symptoms, become concerned, remember your medications and what do you do? Yep. Take them with a glass of water. And, what do you do before you take your medications? Yep. Wash your hands.
Next month they’ll be promoting the health benefits of a hot tub, or remind you it’s “Wash Your Car” week.
Just wait until you get your gas bill. It won’t be the usual flyers with gas grills and outdoor lights. They’ll have the “Super Deluxe Home Crematorium” for entrepreneurs. You know, “Be the first in your neighborhood!” and “Make extra cash!!”.
Thankfully they didn’t send you one for a funeral home or cemetary! My water company just sends me a plain old bill or a notice that they want to increase their rates 88%. I think I’d rather have yours
Does this mean drinking the city water and/or paying the water bill will cause a stroke?! What about taking a shower? They should’ve sent more details. I’m kind of worried for you. If you don’t blog for several days again, I’m calling 911.
You’re gonna take medical advice from some company named after a bug? That’s…that’s just…actually, that’s one of the most common symptoms of Circus Peanut poisoning.
Shit the BUCKLE of the Stroke belt. I didn’t even know there was such a thing. Exactly what areas make up this Stroke Belt?
My water company included the Heart Attack Symptoms because of all the heat and replacing all the sod in my yard and having to water twice a day for three weeks caused my water bill to be so Frickin’ high, they knew I would need it.
I just grab the bill and chuck the rest, and now I am glad…who knew they were trying to scare me to death with all of the extra papers. I just thought they hated trees.
They are the same people that had stuffed an ad for the local animal shelter in there last year and now I am giving $5 extra a month to them…they conveniently add it to my water bill….I think they’re selling ad space.
My water company keeps sending me notices about the contaminants in my water. WTF? They say they’re required “by law” to tell us what’s in the water they provide…and then they list the symptoms of that month’s particular poisoning. I repeat … WTF?
Yes, I’d bet they do. They also get more “business” because people like you read that shit and go to get treated. And, by “like you” I mean totally cool!! HA!
Meanwhile, here in an allegedly-civilized town, this came with the water bill (today, in fact):
“Dispose of unwanted tires, ammunition, computers and over-the-counter and prescription drugs safely, easily and at no charge from 9 a.m. to 1 p.m. on Saturday, October 15.”
There is, of course, a catch:
“Sorry, syringes, liquids, inhalers, tire rims and wheels will not be accepted.”
Again with the WTF? I’m waiting for a flyer with the bill that’s telling us if we shower, drink, brush our teeth or water our lawns at all they’re going to go house to house and keel us.
Oh, hopefully they won’t send you info about leprosy or ear cancer. Or fingernail oblivion.
They WON’T! I promise.
Please send us rain before the Magnolia fire comes here.
It’s a damned good thing you weren’t wearing 2 left shoes because that would indicate the dreaded mahoccous which is only one step away from full blown zombieism!
BTW: As you can probably tell the rumors of my capture and involuntary commitment are grossly over stated……or did I somehow manage to set up an Internet connection from this rubber room?
They never had a clue I was building an invisible motorcycle to jump over the walls. I’ll bet the nurse is still trying to get the tread marks off her fancy white shoes! MWAHAHAHAHAHA….I mean WHEEEEE!
Did they succeed in killing you with the water? My life is all in shambles I need a funny Laura post stat! Hope you are having a good weekend also do I get bonus points for asking after you during your absence? I’ll also take points in beer form
OMG! That is me 5 days a week! I should be dead by now. Duh: the leg/foot thing because I tend to tuck one leg under and it goes to sleep. The rest of it because I sit at a computer all day at work reading, fixing, formatting mind-numbingly boring documents and my brain goes to sleep too!
It’s work I tell ya! It’s killin’ us!!!!
Someone’s going to have to start opening your mail for you and checking for such stuff. LOL!
I KNOW! I need an assistant.
I refuse to read symptoms packets on those informational mail-outs!
I have to stop.
Thank God there wasn’t a flyer about Alzheimers. Even so, I don’t think that would’ve changed the above conversation all that much.Heh.
Except maybe a lot of “Wha? Who is this?”
J just doesn’t get it!! You could have been dying and he isn’t listening! Glad to see the stroke and heart attack did’t kill ya!!
But there’s always a next time…
“*Clutches chest, picks up phone, hits redial*”
yeah, but since the last person you called was J you just called him back, you knucklehead.
Exactly “So my hypochondria goes into overdrive and I’m totally, internally freaking out, and when that happens there’s just one thing to do and that’s call J.”
ha! my bad: I was reading the flyer and I just saw the big letters that said “if you are experiencing any of these symptoms CALL 911″!
Oh I’m not one to seek actual medical attention, unless it’s really, really bad.
I’ve found that wine solves most of my ailments.
Secondary to gin for me.
No, not medical attention
Girl, I loves me some attention, I’ve made no secret of that.
OMG! What the hell is wrong with your H2O for them to be sending such notices in your funking H2o bill. That’s Crazy… MOVE!
I wish.
I know, right? We are having the worst fucking drought here EVER. it has broken all previous records and we dont get a fucking notice in our water bill like you do? im calling them Monday!
Well, at least it wasn’t a flyer about the Clap.
Stay safe, and have a good weekend.
Or pregnancy.
Good point.
You need to find some ruggedly handsome first responder to move in with you.
I wonder if George Clooney knows CPR…
You’re in luck: http://celebs.icanhascheezburger.com/2011/09/01/funny-celebrity-pictures-clooney-is-watching-you/#comments
HAHAHAHA!
It’s a racket. You read the symptoms, become concerned, remember your medications and what do you do? Yep. Take them with a glass of water. And, what do you do before you take your medications? Yep. Wash your hands.
Next month they’ll be promoting the health benefits of a hot tub, or remind you it’s “Wash Your Car” week.
HAHA! You’re right! Sonsabitches.
Just wait until you get your gas bill. It won’t be the usual flyers with gas grills and outdoor lights. They’ll have the “Super Deluxe Home Crematorium” for entrepreneurs. You know, “Be the first in your neighborhood!” and “Make extra cash!!”.
Now THAT would make disposing of dead hookers wayyy easier.
Why the fuck is your water company so worried about your cardiovascular health? Isn’t that the phone company’s job?
HAHAHA! I think they’re into gastro-intestinal diseases.
Thankfully they didn’t send you one for a funeral home or cemetary! My water company just sends me a plain old bill or a notice that they want to increase their rates 88%. I think I’d rather have yours
Knock on wood. My water bill is the most reasonale bill I get..of course my yard is a scorched piece of Hades. HAHA!
Does this mean drinking the city water and/or paying the water bill will cause a stroke?! What about taking a shower? They should’ve sent more details. I’m kind of worried for you. If you don’t blog for several days again, I’m calling 911.
Or Pizza Hut, please.
You’re gonna take medical advice from some company named after a bug? That’s…that’s just…actually, that’s one of the most common symptoms of Circus Peanut poisoning.
Circus Peanuts are hallucinogens…
That’s why I don’t drink water. It causes strokes and heart attacks. Vodka is so much better for you.
Gin will even cure a hangnail.
Shit the BUCKLE of the Stroke belt. I didn’t even know there was such a thing. Exactly what areas make up this Stroke Belt?
My water company included the Heart Attack Symptoms because of all the heat and replacing all the sod in my yard and having to water twice a day for three weeks caused my water bill to be so Frickin’ high, they knew I would need it.
I am FREAKING about that buckle thing too. I think I need to move.
And you are correct- IF I had watered my yard, I’m pretty certain I’d be drooling out the side of my mouth by now.
WHY IN THE HELL DID THEY SEND YOU THIS??
What a bunch of assholes.
I KNOW! I of all people who can’t even watch previews of House without getting lupus!
Next time, call Richelle. She will give you some sympath— HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
Nevermind!!
Richelle would have came to pick me up to take me to the hospital and then stopped at the pub for chili fries and a beer.
I just grab the bill and chuck the rest, and now I am glad…who knew they were trying to scare me to death with all of the extra papers. I just thought they hated trees.
They are the same people that had stuffed an ad for the local animal shelter in there last year and now I am giving $5 extra a month to them…they conveniently add it to my water bill….I think they’re selling ad space.
Don’t know if you saw this so I’m sharing.
http://omg.yahoo.com/news/elisabetta-canalis-breaks-silence-on-george-clooney-split/71649
It’s about the WHORE
I did! And I still hate her and she’s so completely pissed off she has to actually work now and not just be a star’s WHORE.
Pets, neighbors, water company…is there anyone that isn’t out to murder you?
I KNOW!!!
My water company keeps sending me notices about the contaminants in my water. WTF? They say they’re required “by law” to tell us what’s in the water they provide…and then they list the symptoms of that month’s particular poisoning. I repeat … WTF?
That’s crazy..I would send it back in the bill saying “Fix this shit and I’ll pay you!”
roflmao! Do you really do that to J? He knows you too well…
Yes I do and yes he does.
Wait a minute. . . They give you the signs of a stroke (and heart attack) and then tell you where to go to get treatment? I smell a rat here.
I bet they get advertising fees!
Yes, I’d bet they do. They also get more “business” because people like you read that shit and go to get treated. And, by “like you” I mean totally cool!! HA!
HAHAH! The sad thing is I only get treated when I’m actually half dead.
OMG! If SC is the buckle of the stroke belt, what does that make AL?
And who wants to go to a hospital named after a giant cockroach anyway?
Ha! I bet Alabama is the crotch of the heat rash pants.
“crotch of the heat rash pants” Hahahaha! The government assassin kills again. Bless you for the daily belly laughs. You seriously have a talent!
Don’t they know better than to send that junk to a hypochondriac? Maybe you can sue them.
I really should.
“Buckle” of the “Stroke Belt?” That’s gonna KILL tourism.
And Thank Gawd you keep the will to live despite all your travails and illnesses. You are truly an inspiration to us all!
I KNOW!!
From flyer with heart attack: ..sense of impending doom.
I always have that. Does that mean I’m always having a heart attack? Figures.
Evidently it does.
Well then.. screw this healthy crap. Where’s the beer?
Meanwhile, here in an allegedly-civilized town, this came with the water bill (today, in fact):
“Dispose of unwanted tires, ammunition, computers and over-the-counter and prescription drugs safely, easily and at no charge from 9 a.m. to 1 p.m. on Saturday, October 15.”
There is, of course, a catch:
“Sorry, syringes, liquids, inhalers, tire rims and wheels will not be accepted.”
Just throw those in the ocean like I do.
Again with the WTF? I’m waiting for a flyer with the bill that’s telling us if we shower, drink, brush our teeth or water our lawns at all they’re going to go house to house and keel us.
Oh, hopefully they won’t send you info about leprosy or ear cancer. Or fingernail oblivion.
They WON’T! I promise.
Please send us rain before the Magnolia fire comes here.
How’s your brother?
He lost his house, but he and his family are doing well.
Laura, I am so sorry. Oh my dear God. I know someone who lost theirs in Magnolia, too. Sending prayers and vibes for him and family and you.
Thank you. He’s taking it really well, he is way more mellow than me. He had time to get important things out.
It’s a damned good thing you weren’t wearing 2 left shoes because that would indicate the dreaded mahoccous which is only one step away from full blown zombieism!
BTW: As you can probably tell the rumors of my capture and involuntary commitment are grossly over stated……or did I somehow manage to set up an Internet connection from this rubber room?
MacGyver of the Asylum.
They never had a clue I was building an invisible motorcycle to jump over the walls. I’ll bet the nurse is still trying to get the tread marks off her fancy white shoes! MWAHAHAHAHAHA….I mean WHEEEEE!
Outta soap?
Did they succeed in killing you with the water? My life is all in shambles I need a funny Laura post stat! Hope you are having a good weekend
also do I get bonus points for asking after you during your absence? I’ll also take points in beer form 
You get 2 beer points which are worthless because we drank all the beer.
that’s ok, you had to drink it, the beer was to kill all the contaminants in your body from that skanky water.
Exactly. Water Science.
I WANT, I MEAN I MUST HAVE A BABY LLAMA… O.M.G. I HAVE TO HAVE ONE………..
Umm okay. I’m sure there’s a baby llama store somewhere.
your side bar… Baby Llama… too freaking cute….
It is cute.
OMG! That is me 5 days a week! I should be dead by now. Duh: the leg/foot thing because I tend to tuck one leg under and it goes to sleep. The rest of it because I sit at a computer all day at work reading, fixing, formatting mind-numbingly boring documents and my brain goes to sleep too!
It’s work I tell ya! It’s killin’ us!!!!
I agree 200 percent.