Warning: Creating default object from empty value in /home/jimstant/public_html/fetchmyflyingmonkeys/wp-content/themes/platformpro/includes/class.layout.php on line 164

Warning: Creating default object from empty value in /home/jimstant/public_html/fetchmyflyingmonkeys/wp-content/themes/platformpro/includes/class.layout.php on line 167

Warning: Creating default object from empty value in /home/jimstant/public_html/fetchmyflyingmonkeys/wp-content/themes/platformpro/includes/class.layout.php on line 170

Warning: Creating default object from empty value in /home/jimstant/public_html/fetchmyflyingmonkeys/wp-content/themes/platformpro/includes/class.layout.php on line 173

Warning: Creating default object from empty value in /home/jimstant/public_html/fetchmyflyingmonkeys/wp-content/themes/platformpro/includes/class.layout.php on line 176

Warning: Creating default object from empty value in /home/jimstant/public_html/fetchmyflyingmonkeys/wp-content/themes/platformpro/includes/class.layout.php on line 178

Warning: Creating default object from empty value in /home/jimstant/public_html/fetchmyflyingmonkeys/wp-content/themes/platformpro/includes/class.layout.php on line 180

Warning: Creating default object from empty value in /home/jimstant/public_html/fetchmyflyingmonkeys/wp-content/themes/platformpro/includes/class.layout.php on line 202

Warning: Creating default object from empty value in /home/jimstant/public_html/fetchmyflyingmonkeys/wp-content/themes/platformpro/includes/class.layout.php on line 206

Warning: Creating default object from empty value in /home/jimstant/public_html/fetchmyflyingmonkeys/wp-content/themes/platformpro/includes/class.layout.php on line 214

Warning: Creating default object from empty value in /home/jimstant/public_html/fetchmyflyingmonkeys/wp-content/themes/platformpro/includes/class.layout.php on line 215

Warning: Creating default object from empty value in /home/jimstant/public_html/fetchmyflyingmonkeys/wp-content/themes/platformpro/includes/class.layout.php on line 217

Warning: Creating default object from empty value in /home/jimstant/public_html/fetchmyflyingmonkeys/wp-content/themes/platformpro/includes/class.layout.php on line 321

Warning: Creating default object from empty value in /home/jimstant/public_html/fetchmyflyingmonkeys/wp-content/themes/platformpro/includes/class.layout.php on line 321

Warning: Creating default object from empty value in /home/jimstant/public_html/fetchmyflyingmonkeys/wp-content/themes/platformpro/includes/class.layout.php on line 321

Warning: Creating default object from empty value in /home/jimstant/public_html/fetchmyflyingmonkeys/wp-content/themes/platformpro/includes/class.layout.php on line 321

Warning: Creating default object from empty value in /home/jimstant/public_html/fetchmyflyingmonkeys/wp-content/themes/platformpro/admin/class.options.metapanel.php on line 56

Warning: Creating default object from empty value in /home/jimstant/public_html/fetchmyflyingmonkeys/wp-content/themes/platformpro/admin/class.options.metapanel.php on line 56

Warning: Creating default object from empty value in /home/jimstant/public_html/fetchmyflyingmonkeys/wp-content/themes/platformpro/admin/class.options.metapanel.php on line 56

Warning: Creating default object from empty value in /home/jimstant/public_html/fetchmyflyingmonkeys/wp-content/themes/platformpro/admin/class.options.metapanel.php on line 56

Warning: Creating default object from empty value in /home/jimstant/public_html/fetchmyflyingmonkeys/wp-content/themes/platformpro/admin/class.options.metapanel.php on line 56

Warning: Creating default object from empty value in /home/jimstant/public_html/fetchmyflyingmonkeys/wp-content/themes/platformpro/admin/class.options.metapanel.php on line 56

Warning: Creating default object from empty value in /home/jimstant/public_html/fetchmyflyingmonkeys/wp-content/themes/platformpro/admin/class.options.metapanel.php on line 56

Warning: Creating default object from empty value in /home/jimstant/public_html/fetchmyflyingmonkeys/wp-content/themes/platformpro/admin/class.options.metapanel.php on line 56

Warning: Creating default object from empty value in /home/jimstant/public_html/fetchmyflyingmonkeys/wp-content/themes/platformpro/admin/class.options.metapanel.php on line 56

Warning: Creating default object from empty value in /home/jimstant/public_html/fetchmyflyingmonkeys/wp-content/themes/platformpro/admin/class.options.metapanel.php on line 49
The City of Columbia Water Company is trying to kill me. | Fetch My Flying Monkeys
Everyone needs a fleet of flying monkeys to rip the stuffing out of the annoying people in their lives
— Laura

I opened my water bill yesterday and this piece of paper fell out:

Sudden numbness or weakness of the face, arm and/or leg, particlarly on one side- CHECK.
Trouble getting words out or being understood, confusion- CHECK.
Blurred vision- CHECK.
Trouble with coordination, balance, or walking- CHECK.
Headache for no reason- CHECK.

AND I live in the damn buckle of the stroke belt. THE. BUCKLE. 

So my hypochondria goes into overdrive and I’m totally, internally freaking out, and when that happens there’s just one thing to do and that’s call J.

“OH MY GOD! I think I’m having a stroke! You need to take me to Palmetto Health!

“What?”

So I read him the symptoms on the paper.

“My left side is numb!”

“Were you lying on the couch watching back to back “Teen Mom” again?”

“Umm yes.”

“I have trouble being understood.”

“Not when you’re cussing someone out.”

“Blurred vison! I have blurred vision!”

“You have dry eyes and you need to replace the glasses Jack chewed up.”

“I am totally uncoordinated!”

“You had a few imported beers, right?”

“You’re giving me a fucking headache.”

“And that completes the list.”

*Click*

So I looked at the paper again, to see if I missed anything when I noticed there was something on the back:

 

FUCK!!

 *Clutches chest, picks up phone, hits redial*

90 Comments
 

90 Responses to The City of Columbia Water Company is trying to kill me.

  1. Jennifer says:

    Someone’s going to have to start opening your mail for you and checking for such stuff. LOL!

  2. Heather says:

    I refuse to read symptoms packets on those informational mail-outs!

  3. Thank God there wasn’t a flyer about Alzheimers. Even so, I don’t think that would’ve changed the above conversation all that much.Heh.

  4. One Crazed Chick says:

    J just doesn’t get it!! You could have been dying and he isn’t listening! Glad to see the stroke and heart attack did’t kill ya!!

  5. Mr. Bingley says:

    “*Clutches chest, picks up phone, hits redial*”

    yeah, but since the last person you called was J you just called him back, you knucklehead.

  6. princess says:

    OMG! What the hell is wrong with your H2O for them to be sending such notices in your funking H2o bill. That’s Crazy… MOVE!

  7. Yabu says:

    Well, at least it wasn’t a flyer about the Clap.

    Stay safe, and have a good weekend.

  8. patti says:

    You need to find some ruggedly handsome first responder to move in with you.

  9. Jess says:

    It’s a racket. You read the symptoms, become concerned, remember your medications and what do you do? Yep. Take them with a glass of water. And, what do you do before you take your medications? Yep. Wash your hands.

    Next month they’ll be promoting the health benefits of a hot tub, or remind you it’s “Wash Your Car” week.

  10. Hoody Hoo says:

    Why the fuck is your water company so worried about your cardiovascular health? Isn’t that the phone company’s job?

  11. Boneybutt says:

    Thankfully they didn’t send you one for a funeral home or cemetary! My water company just sends me a plain old bill or a notice that they want to increase their rates 88%. I think I’d rather have yours

  12. Does this mean drinking the city water and/or paying the water bill will cause a stroke?! What about taking a shower? They should’ve sent more details. I’m kind of worried for you. If you don’t blog for several days again, I’m calling 911.

  13. zonker says:

    You’re gonna take medical advice from some company named after a bug? That’s…that’s just…actually, that’s one of the most common symptoms of Circus Peanut poisoning.

  14. That’s why I don’t drink water. It causes strokes and heart attacks. Vodka is so much better for you.

  15. Shit the BUCKLE of the Stroke belt. I didn’t even know there was such a thing. Exactly what areas make up this Stroke Belt?

    My water company included the Heart Attack Symptoms because of all the heat and replacing all the sod in my yard and having to water twice a day for three weeks caused my water bill to be so Frickin’ high, they knew I would need it.

    • Laura says:

      I am FREAKING about that buckle thing too. I think I need to move.

      And you are correct- IF I had watered my yard, I’m pretty certain I’d be drooling out the side of my mouth by now.

  16. WHY IN THE HELL DID THEY SEND YOU THIS??

    What a bunch of assholes.

  17. Next time, call Richelle. She will give you some sympath— HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

    Nevermind!!

  18. I just grab the bill and chuck the rest, and now I am glad…who knew they were trying to scare me to death with all of the extra papers. I just thought they hated trees.

    • Laura says:

      They are the same people that had stuffed an ad for the local animal shelter in there last year and now I am giving $5 extra a month to them…they conveniently add it to my water bill….I think they’re selling ad space.

  19. rachel says:

    Don’t know if you saw this so I’m sharing.

    http://omg.yahoo.com/news/elisabetta-canalis-breaks-silence-on-george-clooney-split/71649

    It’s about the WHORE

  20. Larry says:

    Pets, neighbors, water company…is there anyone that isn’t out to murder you?

  21. MorningGlory says:

    My water company keeps sending me notices about the contaminants in my water. WTF? They say they’re required “by law” to tell us what’s in the water they provide…and then they list the symptoms of that month’s particular poisoning. I repeat … WTF?

  22. Jena says:

    roflmao! Do you really do that to J? He knows you too well…

  23. Liz says:

    Wait a minute. . . They give you the signs of a stroke (and heart attack) and then tell you where to go to get treatment? I smell a rat here.

  24. Chris says:

    OMG! If SC is the buckle of the stroke belt, what does that make AL?

    And who wants to go to a hospital named after a giant cockroach anyway?

  25. Nicole says:

    Don’t they know better than to send that junk to a hypochondriac? Maybe you can sue them.

  26. Jeffro says:

    “Buckle” of the “Stroke Belt?” That’s gonna KILL tourism.

    And Thank Gawd you keep the will to live despite all your travails and illnesses. You are truly an inspiration to us all!

  27. cricket says:

    From flyer with heart attack: ..sense of impending doom.

    I always have that. Does that mean I’m always having a heart attack? Figures.

  28. CGHill says:

    Meanwhile, here in an allegedly-civilized town, this came with the water bill (today, in fact):

    “Dispose of unwanted tires, ammunition, computers and over-the-counter and prescription drugs safely, easily and at no charge from 9 a.m. to 1 p.m. on Saturday, October 15.”

    There is, of course, a catch:

    “Sorry, syringes, liquids, inhalers, tire rims and wheels will not be accepted.”

  29. Kim says:

    Again with the WTF? I’m waiting for a flyer with the bill that’s telling us if we shower, drink, brush our teeth or water our lawns at all they’re going to go house to house and keel us.
    Oh, hopefully they won’t send you info about leprosy or ear cancer. Or fingernail oblivion.

    They WON’T! I promise.

    Please send us rain before the Magnolia fire comes here.

    How’s your brother?

  30. It’s a damned good thing you weren’t wearing 2 left shoes because that would indicate the dreaded mahoccous which is only one step away from full blown zombieism!

    BTW: As you can probably tell the rumors of my capture and involuntary commitment are grossly over stated……or did I somehow manage to set up an Internet connection from this rubber room?

  31. kim says:

    Did they succeed in killing you with the water? My life is all in shambles I need a funny Laura post stat! Hope you are having a good weekend :) also do I get bonus points for asking after you during your absence? I’ll also take points in beer form ;)

  32. Tink says:

    I WANT, I MEAN I MUST HAVE A BABY LLAMA… O.M.G. I HAVE TO HAVE ONE………..

  33. Terri the Terror says:

    OMG! That is me 5 days a week! I should be dead by now. Duh: the leg/foot thing because I tend to tuck one leg under and it goes to sleep. The rest of it because I sit at a computer all day at work reading, fixing, formatting mind-numbingly boring documents and my brain goes to sleep too!
    It’s work I tell ya! It’s killin’ us!!!!

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

*

You may use these HTML tags and attributes: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <strike> <strong>