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I just went back to work yesterday and it already seems like the longest week in history. I swear to God it’s like I work at “The Land That Time Forgot” minus the cool dinosaurs and Nazis in U-boats. Those are at my house. | Fetch My Flying Monkeys
Everyone needs a fleet of flying monkeys to rip the stuffing out of the annoying people in their lives
— Laura

I didn’t drink at all this past holiday weekend and by Saturday night I was having the DTs. I told J I was having the DTs and that I probably needed to go to rehab, like a fancy, expensive resort one in the mountains, and he was all “No Laura those are called hiccups, just hold your breath.” So I held my breath and the DTs stopped but I went to The World Market and got some more fancy beers for next weekend because the DTs are scary y’all.

You're not a drunk if you drink a different beer each time; you're a connoisseur, which has way less stigma attached.

Now here’s a list of things that have me concerned lately.

Things That Have Me Concerned Lately

1. I did not blog for several days and not one of you sonsabitches inquired as to my whereabouts or health.

2. Jack has more clothes than I do.

3. True Blood season finale is next week and I don’t think they can slam enough Eric nekkidness in the final hour to last until next season.

4. The temperature dropped under 100 degrees this week and I think that means Jesus is coming. At least I have good beer to offer him.

5. I am still concerned that none of you sonsabitches wondered where I was. I could have needed bail money, or fancy, expensive rehab in the mountains.   

 

111 Comments
 

111 Responses to I just went back to work yesterday and it already seems like the longest week in history. I swear to God it’s like I work at “The Land That Time Forgot” minus the cool dinosaurs and Nazis in U-boats. Those are at my house.

  1. DogsDontPurr says:

    I was getting a little freaked out too that you hadn’t posted and that nobody had mentioned it in the comments…but then I figured that the apocalypse must have happened and I had been left behind.

    I would have gone looting, but I was feeling lazy.

  2. Larry says:

    If you had not blogged by today I was going to put a snarky comment about how the holiday was over and it was time to get back to work in your last post. Fortunately I don’t have to do that now.
    Besides, you usually slack off on your blogging on the weekends/holidays. Them hookers aren’t going to bury themselves after all.
    But not drinking at all? On a holiday? Either you’re going to Hell for lying or you’ve already been there this weekend, in which case it’s good to see you got out OK.

  3. iampisspot says:

    Your absence was noted, Laura. I just figured you were out buying more clothes for Jack, or, as you mentioned yourself, already in rehab.

    I’ll know for next time.

  4. Jennifer says:

    I worried about you and I have bail money! LOL!

  5. Michelle says:

    I inquired about you yesterday. Sorry I didn’t ask sooner. Besides, I don’t have bail money.

  6. Tink says:

    I’m sorry. I just figured you were having a great time somewhere.. as usual and would get back to us when you were done.. as usual…and see! I was right!

  7. Jess says:

    I called the Coast Guard. They seemed concerned, although their concern seemed to wane when I told them I didn’t know if you were in a boat.(were you in a boat?)

    Anyway, after I explained you’d be easy to spot, due to your dinosaurs and eye rabies, they told me not to worry.

    I didn’t really feel they were really concerned and told them so. They reinforced their position by explaining that if I didn’t believe them, the could always come to my house and “keelhaul my gimlet ass”, which I’m thinking is some nautical term.

    So, did they come by to check? Also, what is a federal injunction?

    • Laura says:

      HAHAHAHA! No they did not come by those lazy sonsabitches. Maybe it’s because I don’t even live by water or maybe it’s because the Navy has a restraining order out on me. WHY CAN’T A GIRL JUST BE ALLOWED TO VISIT THE DOCKS, JUDGE MOTHERFUCKER? I don’t know. All I know is I now have scurvy from reading your nautical terms and now I have to research if the Navy and Coast Guard are the same thing but different because I am not a nautical scientist. I get sea sick just watching Shark Week.

      • Jess says:

        Another thing, if your insurance is like mine, “fancy rehab” is only offered at one facility: “Bob’s Rehab and Billiards”. It’s probably not the best, but they only serve light beer…that’s a good start.

  8. princess says:

    I WOULD LIKE TO ADDRESS #3. I would suggest if you have any type of recording device you should have been taping Just the “Eric nekkidness” so you would have an entire recording of just ” Eric nekkidness” that you could play over and over to last you until next season. I would assume it would be over an hour of nothing but “Eric nekkidness”. AWESOME!

  9. I just figured you were having a fun-and-beer-filled long weekend. I’ll start saving my spare change so that next time you have an extended absence from your blog, I’ll be able to supply bail and rehab $$$. Or beer $$$. Your choice.

  10. Jeffro says:

    Regarding issues #1 and #5 – I was overly occupied by a bad case of coveryourassitis, which left me only enough time to watch midget porn whilst eating Cheetos. I shall endeavor to do better in the future.

  11. Mr. Bingley says:

    I just figured you went to Lake Como for the weekend, and, well what with those sketchy Italian interweb connections and all just couldn’t get the word out.

    Plus you might have had other things occupying you whilst there.

  12. Heather says:

    I want some of those beers!

    Welcome back!

  13. Tea says:

    Honestly, I assumed you’d maybe eaten a little too much government cheese and were… otherwise occupied. Or that there was a negative reaction between the gin, cheese, and circus peanuts.
    I was scouring the internet looking for mention of freak food reactions so I could mourn you properly, but I’m super glad I don’t have to do that anymore, because frankly, those search results weren’t pretty.

  14. Hoody Hoo says:

    Whenever you are gone awhile, I always assume J has shipped you off to one of those camps his people love to build. And I start making a radio out of a teapot to contact the French Resistance, but you always come back before they answer. So there.

    • Laura says:

      HAHAHA! Girl, the French will not save me, those fancy talkin’ sonsabitches are too busy eating cheese, sipping wine, and wearing berets. Motherfuckers. Hmmm…maybe me cussing them is why they won’t save me, maybe I should stop that. NAH.

  15. I totally wondered where you were! But, with my newly acquired case of meth herpes, I’m fighting to stay alive. SO…SICK….

  16. Yabu says:

    I’m glad to see you have dinosaurs guarding the connoisseurs beer. Smart move. If you can find it, I recommend Fat Tire ale. Good stuff, and you’ll get bonus points from Jesus.

  17. Janie Jones says:

    Laura I assumed, as it was a holiday weekend, that you’d hooked up with George and were jet-setting around exotic and famous places in Europe, maybe trying a new job as his lucky charm in Monaco (is that still a swanky place to gamble and drink champagne?) or cruising around France in a white Fiat Uno reminiscing of unfortunate Labor Day weekends past (perhaps I crossed a line there, should I apologize?). Either that or you were hospitalized for a Circus Peanut induced coma. I figured there was nothing I could do about it no matter what the case but wait eagerly beside my laptop chewing my nails until I got more news. Glad you’re back and the DT’s are under control.

    • Laura says:

      HAHAHA! I hope y’all now if, err I mean WHEN, I hook up with George I will announce it here first thing so all the people that laughed at my love for him can SUCK IT.

      You know, I have worried about the CP coma shit happening. Hasn’t slowed me down though.

  18. rdennis says:

    I had a friend visiting last week and we were busy. Now I find out I should have been worried! Here’s how we will do it, lets pretend it is STILL last week.

    Damn, where you been? I am worried. You haven’t posted in a couple days. Have you got brain rabies or something? Come on! Answer me dammit! (oh dang, how do I hire a detective to go look for Laura and make sure she is alright??!!!!)

  19. Curtal Friar says:

    I guess I just figured your thumb rabies had wildly peaked and had you running all around town trying to jab people in the eye with it. At least, that’s what I imagine happens when thumb rabies takes over a person. I thought you’d be back after they tranquilized you and dosed ya full of medication and your thumb rabies went back into remission.

    Good to have ya back!

  20. Jena says:

    Actually I was wondering what happened to you yesterday. I figured you were in a bad mood and was busy with your voodoo doll.

  21. LeeAnn says:

    Don’t give Jesus your beer. Just give him a glass of water and tell him to take care of it himself. He already gets a discount at Captain D’s. Lucky fucker.

  22. Well Laura, if there isn’t enough vampire nekkidity, you can commiserate with this…it probably goes well with gin:

    http://fc06.deviantart.net/fs46/i/2009/235/b/7/True_Blood_Beverage_by_CrazyCartoonGirl.jpg

    This way, if Jesus is coming, all you’ll need is some wafers.

  23. Dawn@LightenUp! says:

    This here sonsabitch thinks Jesus will love your fancy beer.

  24. Dannie says:

    well you know what they say….’no news is good news’ which translated means, no news means you’re getting laid, drunk, or woke up sober in another part of the world LOL

  25. MorningGlory says:

    I noticed your failure to blog, but I figured you needed a weekend away from all of us clingy, stalkerish fans. I guess I forgot what an attention whore you are!

  26. Julia says:

    I called all the hospitals yesterday…they said you WERE there but had left after gtting a script for narcotics!

    And the cloths thing….unacceptable! get your ass out shopping! make him pay!

  27. Jan says:

    Is it possible to get Jesus drunk? And would that be a burn-in-hell sort of sin or merely a couple days in purgatory? Cuz I for one would love to see him staggering around blind drunk doing the stupid shit that drunk people do, so that I can play all of my favorite fuck-with-a-drunk tricks that I learned in college. Where’s your daddy now, bitch?

  28. Oddybobo says:

    I just figured you were in the fetal position under your bed from almost walking into a maternity store… I mean, the Horror! ;)

  29. Well, I tried leaving a comment at FB, but the site was barfing, so it got eaten. Besides, nothing seems to destroy you. Ever.

  30. Gary says:

    NOW GIRL…I JUST GAVE YOU THE BENNIFET OF THE DOUBT AND THOUGHT GEORGE WAS IN TOWN AND LOOKED YOU UP AND, IF HE DID COME IN TOWN AND YOU WERE ARRESTED FOR STALKING..YOU KNOW I COULD SEND BAIL MONEY VIA FEDEX OVERNIGHT OR WESTERN UNION. I WOULD NOT WANT YOU PEEKING OUT FROM BETWEEN BARS WHEN YOU COULD BE BLOGGING..BESIDES I HEAR THEY LIKE PRETTY YOUNG THINGS IN PRIZON..YOU COULD ALWAYS CRACK THE TOILET SEAT THERE AND TORTURE WHOEVER IS TRYING TO MAKE YOU THEIR BITCH..OR SLOBBER A LITTLE AND TELL THEM YOU HAVE RABIES..WORKED FOR ME.

  31. Teresa says:

    I was on vacation and no one asked where I was either. I think this is a trend.

    So… where were you? Being lazy overwhelmed with catching up after vacay, I didn’t have time to read the comments above… heh.

  32. BreAnn says:

    Does that say Snake Dog?! Rest assured, if you’re drinking a beer called Snake Dog, that has a monkey on the label you’re a conoisseur, but the kind of connisseur that’s likely to pass out and wake up numb from the waist down. And I’m confident #9 was named after the number of men who had to spit into the hooch to get it to ferment. You’re a brave woman, and God speed.

  33. Liz says:

    I was wondering where you were and if you were OK. I thought I said it outloud but it must have only been in my mind. Sorry. I get confused sometimes.

    Glad you ARE OK and glad that you are a connoisseur and not a drunk. PS – Beer is good (and so is gin and tequila).

  34. Liz says:

    PSS – We have a local brew pup here called Horney Goat Brewing Company. They have some good beer (and a goat on the label). Is it legal to ship beer across state lines? Maybe I’ll send ya some. Maybe . . .

  35. AmyLynn says:

    I have rarely been interested in my own blog lately….drama and drama inducing bunch-o-bitches have me distracted.

    But I do make my way over here eventually. We all end up back here at FMFM eventually…

    Regardless of how interesting other reading material may get, I must have my Laura fix.

    Next time text me and I will send a courrier with alcohol and circus peanut reinforcements. I got your back.

    that is all

  36. Kim says:

    I thought you were in my son’s wedding party? Who WAS that then? You had a cunning circus peanut clutch, right, that matched the bridesmaid outfits? Teal? WTF.

    Then I couldn’t get the #*@$*% internet to work at home and for SOME REASON THEY EXPECT ME TO WORK at work.

    I hope your weekend wasn’t too painful, but we took up your slack BIG TIME. In front of the La Quinta til 3:30 a.m. DT’s? Ya wuss.

    Hope all rabieses are remisssionnning.

  37. patti says:

    You were gone?

  38. Ashley says:

    As a matter of fact, I DID wonder where MY daily posts went…and I was about to inquire why I couldn’t get a fresh anticdote…but I didn’t want to admit my guilt as a stalker (yet) so I thought to keep it to myself! So there! And I found those few extra degrees of “hot” you were missing… hopefully they will move on from where I’m at and go back to hell where they belong!

  39. cricket says:

    Christ on a cracker! Your alive! I figured you drowned and was setting up a memorial fund. Guess I’ll go spend it then. Too bad. That was one hella cool stone, all dinosaurs, circus peanuts and gin on a goat with great big horns.

    While you think about my wonderful buying spree a whore speaks and you shall read: http://omg.yahoo.com/news/elisabetta-canalis-breaks-silence-on-george-clooney-split/71649

  40. Nicole says:

    *carefully noting the connoisseur defense*

  41. CGHill says:

    So the thrust of the argument is:

    (1) Jack needs more clothes.

    (2) Eric needs less clothes.

    Is that about it?

  42. The Nickster says:

    Apologies….I was busy bailing a friend out of jail (serious) and wasn’t keeping up on my blogs. Isn’t it funny how when you come home and find some dude porking your Old Lady and proceed to beat the F out of him that that is considered a crime? Personally, I would have tazed him because I am kind of a pacifist (NOTE: I did not specify where I would taze him).

  43. I like that youre concerned that Jesus is coming. That concerns me too. Immensely. Also, I did wonder, but I prefer not to ask in case the news is bad. It’s like a defence mechanism.

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