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Sometimes I really do live like an unsupervised-by-an-adult twelve year old. Well, okay, most of the time. | Fetch My Flying Monkeys
Everyone needs a fleet of flying monkeys to rip the stuffing out of the annoying people in their lives
— Laura

Remember when Satan broke my wooden toilet seat in my Hobbit bathroom and I couldn’t get a bolt off to change it and I blogged about how I cried and how it hurt my thumb rabies? Well, I called a plumber that week but he wasn’t in town and I haven’t called him back so I’ve had a wonky, broken toilet seat now for about six months. You have to sit on it just right or risk lacerating an ass cheek. But I did get a new pretty shower curtain:

This shower curtain is not orange, it is a pinkish coral. Ever since Steve Jobs resigned, the colors have gone all wonky on my iPhone. Give back the colors, Steve, you unemployed sonsabitch.

I’ll call a plumber soon. Really. It really needs to be fixed. Oh, and look, I put that roll of toilet paper on the holder roller thingie (I do not know what it’s called- I am not a toilet paper dispenser scientist obviously) instead of just setting it on top. That is probably the first time in three years a roll has actually been on that roller thingie instead of just placed on top. Baby steps.

86 Comments
 

86 Responses to Sometimes I really do live like an unsupervised-by-an-adult twelve year old. Well, okay, most of the time.

  1. Curtal Friar says:

    Hmmm….you should ask J to fix the toilet seat.

    And your thumb rabies is still in remission, right?

  2. Heather says:

    I never put the roll on the thingie either! LOL

    I love that curtain even if it’s orange!

  3. Jennifer says:

    LOL! Yes call a plumber! We don’t want to later hear about your lacerated ass cheek! LOL!

  4. Joe the Blog Stalker says:

    There’s your problem. You need a toilet seat bolt scientist.

  5. Yabu says:

    That is girlie girl for sure. Don’t get me wrong, nothing wrong with that. I, like you, live in an older house, so there is no light in the shower. I have to use a clear curtain so I can see to find the shampoo and soap.

    BTW…nice tile.

  6. Tink says:

    I have one of those floor thingies and my tissue usually ends up on the end of the counter…..

  7. Princess says:

    Ohhhhhhhhhh! is that what that’s for? I thought it was to hold my towel while I was in the shower!

  8. Tad says:

    WOW! that shower curtain is really………….Pretty! Can you adjust the color on your phone? cuz that sure does look a little on the orange side…. to me. I’m just sayin. Pretty, yes girlie pretty.

    • Laura says:

      No, no adjusting on the phone and I didn’t feel like Photoshopping it. I will have to live with the shame that the Internet thinks I have an orange shower curtain.

  9. Ethan says:

    Have you sprayed that bolt with WD or asked @ Ace or Homepo or Lowes if they have anything to release that bolt? It would be a lot cheaper than a fricken PLUMER… that’s not really a “Plum” situation. More like a local handyman.

    • Laura says:

      I do not know of this “handyman” that you speak of. In the city we have repair scientists that are experts in their fields (ie bathroom scientists aka plumbers, plugs and wire scientists aka electricians and lumber/wood scientists aka carpenters.)

      • MorningGlory says:

        What I wouldn’t give to find a good handyman. I have so many little jobs around my house that I could do myself if I wanted to invest in the right tools (I don’t); a handyman could probably get them all done in a day or two. But no one wants to do a bunch of little jobs. They all want ‘careers’ like “I’m a plumber, you’ll need to call a bricklayer for that” and “I’m an electrician, you’ll need to get a painter to do that”. What a bunch of crap.

  10. That dispenser things seems too far away. You’re going to have to lean over and then you’ll drip all over yourself and the floor and then you’ll have nothing to wipe yourself with but that gorgeous shower curtain.

    Unless it’s just the dimension of the photo that’s off – you know, since Steve Jobs resigned.

  11. I’m not an idiot. I know that I should have said “toO” far away. It’s early in the morning and I’m a TERRIBLE typer. Typist? Whatever. I suck.

  12. Orange or coral, I think your shower curtain is adorable. I also like your toilet paper stand thingy. That’s what it’s called, right?

  13. Holiday says:

    I love ur floor… very Alice in Wonderland…. and I LOVE YOUR ORANGE>CORAL shower curtain..

  14. Hoody Hoo says:

    maybe you could get some kind of sealant and just seal up the crack?… what would work, what would work… DUCT TAPE! And I feel I’ve accomplished something for the day if I put the toilet paper ON the thingie.

  15. jon spencer says:

    You need these two items to cut the bolt.

    http://www.amazon.com/Service-Central-301888-NEEDLE-PLIERS/dp/B0007ZG23W

    http://www.amazon.com/Wilmar-CLOSE-QUARTER-HACKSAW/dp/B001DKO78C/ref=sr_1_4?s=automotive&ie=UTF8&qid=1314878630&sr=1-4

    To cut the bolt, hold the nut that is on the underside of the bowl lid and with the hacksaw slip the blade between the top of the bowl and the hinge and cut. Be a little careful as to not scratch the bowl with the hacksaw blade.
    Older hold down bolts are usually made of brass and are easily cut.
    Newer ones are plastic and cut even easier.

    • Laura says:

      Obviously you do not comprehend the depth of my laziness. HA!

      No seriously, I tried with the needle-nosed pliers and a blade. I could not get it! I was practically standing on my head . I was cussing, and sweating ( which is kind of usual when I tackle any home improvement project/repair) and then I just collapsed into a pool of tears on the cold tiled floor, in a fetal postion, rocking myself and promising myself I wouldn’t go through that again. But thank you for trying to help me and literally save my ass.

  16. Tea says:

    The toilet roller holder thingie is exactly what it’s called. I’m pretty sure I’m an expert.

  17. Dannie says:

    wow….that shower curtain was NOT how I imagined you liking stuff. It has flowers on it. I’m opposed to flowers.

    what happened were they out of the dinosaur one????

    disappointed in CA :P :D (just kidding sorta) Actually the colors look good in the bathroom

    • Laura says:

      If you can find me a dinosaur one that is colorful and not “camo” I will get it! Seriously.

      Girl, there’s flowers all over shit up in here. Left over from my shappy chic days. As a matter of fact Shappy Chic Goth is the best way to describe the decorating now…until I get my new house all fixed up… then I will go all modern with a red living room.

  18. Now that you mention it…my angry birds have seemed less angry and prehaps even depressed since Steve left…

  19. LeeAnn says:

    That shower curtain makes me weep with envy. I wish I could have another wedding so I could make my dress out of it. Like Scarlett O’Hara, but with a nice soap scent and no goddamn Yankees.

  20. Jamie says:

    I share a restroom with 4 female co-workers and am convinced I’m the only one capable of changing the TP roll. I didn’t realize it was such a feat of engineering, but every time I go in there’s a full roll sitting on top of an empty one – so it must be tougher than I think.

    And I love the shower curtain. It would make a great bedspread pattern too.

    • Laura says:

      I don’t know why I do that. I know that I spend as little time as possible in the bathroom. I don’t primp or anything and I’m usually on my way out and I’ll say to myself “Oh I’m almost out of TP, I better get a roll out of the linen closet and put a roll in here so I do and leave.” That being said, I am also lazy.

      And I would so love a bedspread like the curtain.

      • Jamie says:

        Question: Is your toilet paper tinged orange or is that a reflection from the curtain? I’m figuring it’s a reflection. I haven’t seen colored TP in years…I’m betting they discontinued it because of the rumor that it caused ass-cancer.

        • Laura says:

          HA! I would so buy colored TP, that is, if it didn’t cause ass cancer. But no- it’s regular Charmin. Reflection or my iPhone may have fucked with it.

  21. Curtal Friar says:

    Okay, here’s the joke I mentioned earlier:

    The Army Rangers, the Israeli Mossad, and a crack team of German Kommandos decide to have a hunting contest to see who’s the best. On the day of the event, the judges set up and then tell the Mossad to go first. Off goes the Mossad team into the forest. They are so stealthy that as soon as the last man steps into the tree line, no one can see or hear them at all. Exactly 22 minutes later, the team comes back and they have a deer that has been killed with just one shot, right to the heart. Again, no one sees or hears them coming, they just suddenly step out of the forest with their kill. The judges award them a perfect 10 points in each of the categories of stealth, speed, and marksmanship, for a score of 30.
    The American team goes next. They are fairly stealthy, but not as much as the Mossad, and they make a little noise leaving. They’re gone twenty minutes when there’s a sudden fusillade of shots. Ten minutes later, they come back in, slightly noisier than when they left, and they have a deer, which as been hit several times. They are awarded a total score of 27, as the Mossad was better than them in every category.
    Finally the German team goes. They are about as noisy as the American team. They judges are watching the time to see if the Germans can beat the Americans in that category. 20 minutes goes by, nothing. 30 minutes, still nothing. An hour goes by, no sight of the Germans. The judges decide that they will now be in third place, but they have to wait for them to come back to give out the scores. Two hours goes by, still nothing. Finally, the judges get tired of waiting and send out the American and Israeli teams to find the Germans and bring them back. After an hour or so, both teams find the Germans trail leading to a cottage in a clearing. As they approach, they can hear screaming and the sounds of someone being beaten. Both teams rush the cottage and burst in, thinking they will be rescuing the Germans from some hostile force.
    They are greeted by the sight of the Germans standing in a ring around a chair, in which a pig is tightly strapped. The leader of the Germans is facing the pig with a club and shouting “YOU VILL CONFESS YOU ARE A DEER!!”

  22. Jess says:

    If I lived close, I could have the seat off in a few minutes. There wouldn’t be much left, but it would be gone and the commode unmolested.

    You need to put a little carpet on that seat. It serves two purpose:

    -It prevents ass pinching while sitting. The grain will open up, so that a flap of ass skin is caught and rips away when you stand up.
    -It guarantees you will keep your bathroom clean. How so? Simple, most men will pee on the little carpet in the middle of the night. The lid won’t stay up, so in the process of dancing, peeing and trying to hold the lid, it falls and the inevitable occurs. You get mad, demand they clean their mess, they retaliate by ripping the damn thing from the lid, and before the make-up sex happens, they scrub the entire bathroom, buy a brand new carpet, and pray this won’t be their last opportunity for a long, long time.

  23. Kidnap Steve Jobs. No one should have to live with the colors of 1970s office furniture on their phone.
    It’s just a scam to get you to buy another phone–which will have some other nagging “flaw.”

  24. Liz says:

    I fear that if you forget how to use that seat, you’ll get ass rabies. That could be fatal. Please, please take care of this ASAP as we can’t live without our Monkey Fix. Fact.

  25. Jena says:

    Im too tired… I forgot what I was gonna say!

  26. Jess says:

    Man oh man. You play your cards close. From the picture, I can’t tell if you’re a roll over, or roll under type of person. Did you tape it so it’d be more photogenic?

    When I was a child, and dirt was new, it was forbidden to turn the roll into the over position. My younger siblings/rug rats/curtain climbers would spin the roll until all the paper laid in a pile. After that, they would drag it around the house like triumphant minature conquerors.

    I made the mistake one time of turning the roll the wrong way. After spending the better part of a year sleeping in a cabinet in the garage, I never made that mistake again.

    • Laura says:

      HAHAHA! Okay, that’s pretty harsh punishment right there.

      I honestly had to look myslef- it is in the over position. I normally have no clue because I hardly ever put one on a the roller thingie. SERIOUSLY.

  27. Gary says:

    Hey girl I am not trying to tell you to save money or anything like that …but ..go to the hardware store and buy a product called liquied wrench…or any silicone spray will do, simply spray the liquid wrench and let it sit for about an hour and you should be able to get the corroded maiming tolite seat off no problem..yes rabies and all …luv your colum have posted it to facebook to have all my friends read it too…I tell you girl you should be writing for a sitcom…you might even be able to work with george clooney someday and win him over from all those whores he dates now…he has just never had a woman of substance before..show him what you got…you go girl…

    • Laura says:

      YOU are my new PR Director. And thank you for helping to pimp my blog. More readers should do that . DO YOU HEAR THAT , READERS? I swear, it’s like none of them remember I’m a big ol’ attention whore anymore.

      I will make one last attempt and purchase said product. If I end up in a puddle of my own tears, it’s all your fault.

  28. Janie Jones says:

    There could be advantages to having a wonky, ass-maiming toilet seat. Send the “friends” who always leave skid marks on the inside of the bowl to use that toilet. Maimed once, never twice. And, it’s a miracle, no more grody toilet bowls.

    • Laura says:

      Oh My God. I would make any frirends that left skid marks in my toilet to get in there and clean it. A true friend cleans his own skid marks. (I have that embroidered on a pillow.)

  29. Larry says:

    Everyone knows that the proper tool of bolt removing is an oxy-acetylene cutting torch.
    After you get the bolt cut out then you mix up a pitcher of mint juleps and call the plumber and when he gets there tell him you found it that way.
    I’d tell you to call my brother in law, but he lives in Iowa so the travel costs would be pretty high.

  30. guffaw says:

    What? No photos of the potentially lacerated area?

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