Everyone needs a fleet of flying monkeys to rip the stuffing out of the annoying people in their lives
— Laura
One time one of my friends came to my house with her little girl Maggie and asked me to watch her for a few hours while she did something important. It was an emergency and she promised me the kid would just sit and watch cartoons, that I’d have to do nothing. Within ten minutes after my friend left, Maggie turned around and said she had to ”go potty.” I pointed toward the bathroom and said “In there.” She peered down the hall and looked at me and said ”I have to poop.” I pointed down the hall and said “Poop in there.” Frustrated she looked at me and sighed, “I need my pants pulled down.” So I walked her into the bathroom and pulled her pants down. She stood looking at me and said “Undies too.” Damn. I pulled her undies down. “There.” I said and started to leave. She stood there with her pants and underwear around her ankles and stared at me. “I need up on da toilet.” she said. ”Oh.” So I lifted her up and left.
A few minutes later I heard “I’m done! I’m done!” “That’s good Maggie.” “I’M DONE! I’M DONE!” she kept shouting. I walked back toward the bathroom and opened the door. There she sat on the toilet smiling. “Maggie, you can jump down and flush it now.” She looked at me all confused and shook her head “No. You have to wipe me.” What. The. Fuck. ”Uh. What Maggie?” “You have to wipe me.” WHAT? I grabbed the toilet paper and wrapped a huge wad around my hand and handed it to her. “Maggie, here, wipe yourself.” She took it, looked down at the paper and then at me and started to tear up. “I can’t.” she said and her lip started quivering and tears started forming. ”Maggie, don’t cry. Let me think of something.” All I knew was I wasn’t wiping a kid’s ass. What the hell was I going to do? Damn, even dogs will wipe their own asses, granted it’s usually on a rug, but by God they do it themselves. Then it hit me, puppy power spray. I hit the handle to flush the toilet, pulled her shoes and socks off, picked her up and put her in the bathtub. I grabbed the hand-held shower head, adjusted the temperature and told her to bend over.
I rendered y’all a rendering of the event:
I'm like a fucking childcare scientist right here.
Once I had rinsed her off enough, I dried her with a towel, dressed her, and we went back to watch cartoons in the den until her mother returned.
I learned two things that day; the term “potty trained” was a fat-assed lie and never answer the door when friends stop by with their children. Sonsabitches.
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96 Responses to When I told J this story about the first and last time I babysat he said it’d make more sense to put your kid in a taxi and tell them to keep circling the park than to have me watch it.
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In my opinion, anything that cannot wipe its own ass, should not be trusted.
I have just realised that my theory sucks, actually, as my cat wipes (well, licks) her own ass, and she cannot be trusted either.
Good God, NEVER trust a cat.
OMG… I can picture the entire thing….. So is your “Friend” still your “Friend”? Too funny..
Actually no. She went one to have like three more kids and we lost touch. Imagine that. HAHA!
NO NO NO. Even I know NOT to answer the door when your friends are standing there with their kids. that can only mean trouble.
I had a brain fart.
I can see you hiding behind the door,waiting for your. so called friend. to arrive back at your place, with a piece of rubber hose and a k-bar in your hand. BWAAAAAA!!
That’s about right. Ha!
OMG. that is disgusting.. at least she did it in the pot and she wasn’t wearing a diaper or some shit like that.YIKEEEEES! pardon the pun..
I know. Kids are gross.
LOL!! I bet you were horrified! LMAO!
Completely.
But Maggie looks happy! haha!
After the initial “WTF?” look on her face she started laughing and dancing around in the shower. I was all “Hold still, Miss Poopy Butt.”
OMG, I’m glad I didn’t have my coffee ready yet when I read this! Even tho I had kids, I had a friend who would help me change those nasty things. Brings a whole new meaning when I hear “I’m done!” Now you know to run the other way!!
So, you’d know, are they not coordinated enough to wipe their own asses or are their arms too short or what?
Kids are lazy little fuckers and anything they can get you to do for them …. they will.. regardless what it is…..their ruthless.
Lil bastards.
You’re like Super Nanny minus the British accent.
I know, right?!
Quick thinking on the shower. I can safely say, I’ve not wiped any ass except my own. Never changed a diaper either.
I have never changed a diaper either. Never will, unless it’s my own one day. I don’t think I ever held a baby either! HA!
BEST.RENDERING.YET.
Thanks.
THIS IS WHY I DO NOT BREED. My Tiny Second Cousin threw a SHIT FIT on vacation because Cousin’s Wife (her OWN MOTHER, remember) had “touched her on the privates.” This was done in order to get the SAND out of C2′s crotch, because she did not listen when Sweet Aunt Hoody told her not to sit down in the surf line or she would get sand in her crotch. So apparently, all children are obsessed with either touching or not touching their own personal areas, and that’s how you get pedophiles. FACT.
I know, before you know it they’ll be pointing at a doll’s crotch when the police ask “Show us where the mean lady touched you.” No thank you.
When did J get to be so wise?
you poor thing! im allergic to kids myself so I make sure Im NEVER around them. they are evil bastards especially now with today’s society and your not allowed to beat them with a belt.
HAHA! They are definitely not my thing that’s for sure. I avoid them as much as possible, and I’m prety good at it. Oh, and J just knows me too well.
It’s a good thing my kids didn’t know about that “no belt” policy cuz they saw their share of it when they deserved it! Of course, I got my fair share as well
Oh I did too.
And this is why my daughter and my wife won’t let me babysit my granddaughter. I refuse to change a diaper. I did it as a father 20 some odd years ago and I’m of the mindset “Been there, Done that, Ain’t now way in hell going to do it again.”
No one should have to go through that. That’s just nasty.
Ok…this totally makes up for your not posting yesterday (I was bereft)! Your rendering of the situation is so excellent that i’m thinking of making it my screen saver so i can just gaze at it all the time!
HA! You should!
Once, when I was still a teenager and visiting my aunt (who has SIX effing kids. all boys) her then youngest came out from the bathroom, into the kitchen in front of everyone, half naked and announced, “I have too much poop! Wipe me!”
Ugh.
Then her next kid? Had pooping trouble a lot and would get so fully impacted that they’d have to dig it out for him.
Ugh.
My point?
There really isn’t one.
Also, I didn’t learn a lesson from all that disgustingness cuz I now have two kids. Who poop.
A fucking LOT.
Ugh.
Jesus Christ. The imagery. I could never “dig” someone’s poop out. I would however attach a garden hose to their ass and blast it out if I was forced to. I AM a fucking childcare scientist.
you could solve mideast peace with your practical, ingenious approach to life problems woman!
I really could!
LOL! Every parent has been there, “Come wipe my butt!” was the phrase we use to hear when The Boy was that young.
When The Boy stayed with my parents my dad sent him off to the bathroom from the garage and like 30 minutes later went into the house looking for him, found him still sitting on the toilet. My dad was like, “Is there a problem?” The Boy said, “I need someone to wipe my butt”.
Damn. So your dad did it? I just can’t do anything like that. I’d have to hose’em down.
I have a cousin, who when he was real small, would yell from the bathroom at the top of his mighty lungs, “MOM! Get in here and wipe my butt!” It was a real ice breaker when they had company over.
He’s 43 now and still a little shit.
Ha! I hope he doesn’t still yell that.
This has always confused me. When I potty trained my kids it included “How to Wipe Your Butt 101″ I rarely needed to intervene and if I was asked I stood there and directed.
I have heard of kids as old as 6 calling out to be wiped. That is crazy…if they can color, and feed themselves, they are capable of wiping their own butt.
On an enitrely different note? All three of my kids would have died of embarrassment rather than ask someone to wipe their butt.
An entitled little pooper wasn’t she?
that is all
I think it’s weird too! Why in the hell wouldn’t they be capable of wiping their own asses? I mean unless they had wee T-Rex arms.
God’s honest truth here; once when my mom was in the hospital following the birth of one of my sisters (this was back in the mid 60s when women spent 3 days in the hospital after punching out a rug rat)my dad, a rough and tough US Navy chief petty officer, took emergency leave to watch over the rest of us house apes. My youngest brother, Squirrel Boy, developed diarrhea and his diaper wasn’t sufficient to contain the situation. I’ll never forget the image of Dad out in the backyard with young Squirrel, hosing him down with the garden hose while heaving up all the beer he had consumed at the “Allen’s got another curtain climber” celebration the night before. When Mom came home from the hospital with the new crumb snatcher a couple of days later she was surprised to learn that Dad had hired a house keeper/ankle biter wrangler:-)
HAHAHA! Your dad was smart. I’d line y’all up and spray ya down every night too.
Sssssh! Don’t give Dad any ideas. I’m too old to run around in the yard naked….and if I did all the neighbors would get sick!
HAHAHA!
What I want to know is this – how do the millions of Americans who don’t know FMFM Laura get through their days? And how come there are not a million commenters here every single day?
YEAH!! How come?? You are my new PR Director.
Poop is funny. Fact.
Poop is NOT funny when you have to wipe it off some rug rat’s ass. Fact.
Your solution was ingenious. You should be awarded a Nobel Peace Prize!!
PS – Your rendering has caused me to laugh so hard that I cried. This is a good thing.
There was no way in hell I was going to touch that kid’s ass. No way. I guess if it’s your own kid, that’s one thing. Maybe. I don’t know and don’t want to find out.
Reading this I can’t help but think that, if you had been around during Queen Victoria’s reign, she would never have said the words “WE ARE NOT AMUSED!”
She would have banished you in a best case scenario, or have you hanged in the worst case, but she would have been laughing the whole time, I’m sure.
Oh I couldn’t have survived in those times. More than likely I would have been executed as a witch.
So I’m sitting for my nephew when he was like three or something. I’m already aware I might need to wipe him if needed and OF COURSE I am called to help. I walk into the bathroom and there he is standing, pants down, with his hands grabbing his ankles, face at his knees, butt straight up in the air.
First thought: My God that kid is limber!
Second thought: My God my little nephew is gay.
HA! You should have thrown him in the tub!
You know, I had nearly the exact same experience with one of my nephews when he was little.
Him: “Uncle Zonker, can you please help me?”
Me: “Help you?”
Him: “I’m not good at wiping.”
Me: “Well, it looks like today’s the day you’re gonna learn.”
And learn he did. Or at least he learned well enough for me to finally tell him to wash his hands and head outside to play. Then I grabbed another beer and went out on the deck to sit in the sun.
Please thank J for that taxi idea. That could work, actually.
HAHA! So he learned, eh? Well, probably only his parents knew when they went to clean hus underwear. Ha!
I will tell J you liked his idea.
Science, Laura?
Without a stick?
The courts frown on stick childcare science.
You were very fortunate in this incident because often these “babysitting emergencies” turn into mommies’ three day crack binge while you are stuck with the child. At least that’s been my experience.
Dayumm…I’d have to call someone to get that child ’cause I bet it’d poop a lot in three days.
My husband threatened to do that all the time to our son while he was potty training. But with cold water and a hose…in the middle of winter….hmmm….maybe I overshare…
Ha! So he had to wipe his butt?
There is nothing wrong with that. My father in law did that to my neice when he had to babysit her.
You are a normal person, you should of had lots of kids.
(yeah, I couldn’t keep a straight face typing that)
I had to re-read that like five times. HA!
I laughed so hard… I think I may have pooped a little…. LAURA!!!!!!!
OH HELLS NOE!
I just saw this article on CNN. http://eatocracy.cnn.com/2011/07/26/55-five-reasons-to-consider-the-goat/?&hpt=hp_c2
We have to stop people from eating goats!!
I agree completely!!
I don’t know what is funnier, the story or the rendering. Yes I do, the rendering!!!! Too fucking damn funny.
I like providing visual aids when I can.
I totally appreciate it. LOVE your renderings. I also appreciate being able to see my foul potty mouth cussing on the screen.
HA!
But the dinosaurs are safe?
YES! Always.
I am so glad you were the pioneer and decided to share. This may even save my life in the future. Thank you so very much.
You’re welcome.
If the kid is old enough to say “You have to wipe my…” then they are damned well old enough to sit on that potty until (pick one): (A) a benevolent honest-to-goodness angel comes down from heaven to wipe it, (B) the second coming actually comes in which it is relatively unimportant, (C) their butt falls off and you flush everything in one swoosh, or (D) they damn well figure out how to do it themselves.
As my kids were going through that I did help them if they needed it but only after they gave it a serious effort themselves (and even then it was self-preservation because I don’t like “it” all over the house – I’m funny that way).
Lawdy, I’d still have to hose ‘em down.
I took care of my brother’s infant daughter years ago and she wouldn’t stop crying for like hours and hours and I called my mother at 3 o’clock in the morning and told her if she didn’t get to my house to retrieve this howling monster within 15 minutes I would put her outside. And I totally meant that shit. Needless to say, I also have never procreated. You’re welcome, world. And thank you modern medicine for the hysterectomy. No kids AND no periods??? Yes please!!
Ok, that last part was probably an overshare…..
I’m with ya girl.
Oh, lookie there! My new fancy shmancy WordPress avatar!! Yay me!
Oooo you’re in the Big League now.
That same thing happened to me when I was baby sitting my nephew. “You have to wipe my butt!” I made my husband do it.
And yes, there was a blog post about it.
You do get desensitized by changing diapers. It also helps that I think poop is funny. Usually.
Other people’s bodily functions, no matter what age, are just gross. Seriously.
You know, we are now in the inbetween stage of pull-ups and training pants/panties at my house and all I can think of is…..
damn who would have thought I’d EVER say a diaper is better. Me no like potty training…..kids under the age of 10 going to the bathroom LOL LOL LOL
it’s ok, my one babysitting gig, I was confused with the diapers and I diapered my friend’s kid backwards….trust me I haven’t lived it down yet….in fact that was the first thing my friend asked me after the kid came home “how’s diapering the right way going for ya”
I’ve never diapered even a doll.
I played with matchbox cars, lincoln logs, and was a very good softball player….I didn’t do much babysitting or playing with dolls and I was an only child
….obviously that showed in my 20s when I was asked to babysit.
No one ever really asked me before….I wonder why…
omigod, this post is hilarious…
reminded me when I helped my sister change her son when he was around age 8 months or so (pre walking)… he hated diaper changes and would crawl, scoot away, squirm or role over as best he could to get away from a new diaper going on…
I gave him a quick firm (but not harsh) slap on the butt – which startled him and semi-shocked my sister… it worked, he was distracted enough for a few seconds so she could get the new diaper quickly on and secured…
child abuse? NO WAY… I saved the day! Diaper mission accomplished!
Anyway, thanks for a great laugh …
p.s. cat or dog poop = tolerable
kid poop = not
Yes, the animal poop is tolerable to clean up- human poop NO.
I like that smacking idea. A lot. HAHA!
I’m not sure if this belongs here or not, but when Hoody was a little girl, she loved to pee in different places. Often when we walked into a place, she would look around contemplatively and then declare in a loud voice “Have I peed here yet?” If the answer was no, she refused to leave until she had corrected that on her annual I Have Peed Here Tour (I am having tshirts made). Even in the bank. Which did not go over well. And once in the Sears model toilet but no one knew but us until today.
HAHAHA! Like she was marking her territory! She’s gonna kill you telling her bidness. Ha!
You should have kids. Really. They are like slaves and will do anything for you if you make it seem fun. Just yesterday my 5 year old stacked a cord of wood (even killed all the black widows and brown recluse spiders for me) and then, the little angel washed the car, cleaned the bathroom, and was going to walk to the store to pick up dinner, but 3 miles is a bit far, so I let him drive dad’s car.
HAHAHA! I still don’t think it’d be worth it.