Everyone needs a fleet of flying monkeys to rip the stuffing out of the annoying people in their lives
— Laura
I ate and drank so much this weekend I don’t even know if I’m still alive. I must be because my alarm went off and I’m getting ready to go to work. Unless… I really am dead and this is Hell. That would explain so much. It would also explain why it’s 100 degrees with 90 percent humidity. I’d like to know what insane settler walked through here centuries ago and thought “Damn! This godforsaken place is so hot and humid and has such massive, disgusting bugs, I think I’ll build a town here!” I bet I could look that up in a history book, but fuck it, I don’t care enough.
Speaking of bugs, I saw a Palmetto Bug IN MY HOUSE this weekend and I was this close to just torching the place. I live in mortal fear every summer that a Palmetto Bug will either fall on my head or run across my foot. The only good thing you can say about them is that they prefer to live outdoors. BUT one ALWAYS sneaks in at least once a year. I swear to God, one must have hitched a ride in when I first moved in this place and stole my house key for a few hours, got a copy made, learned my alarm code, and then will it on to their next surviving relative AFTER I KILL THEIR ASS. Anyway, I started chasing it with a can of hair spray and a Bic screaming “The Power of Christ compels you!” at the top of lungs when Tinks jumped it and ate it. Here’s a true-to-scale rendering I made for y’all:
"Mmmm...tastes like Satan."
So Tinks is my hero, but honestly, I’m pretty sure Tinks is just going to be possessed like the dude who swallowed the worm in Poltergeist, so I’m keeping an eye on her which means once again I’ll have to keep one eye open while I sleep and I’ll get eye rabies again. Fuck. I. Can. Not. Win. Is it any wonder I drink? I mean, besides it being so tasty and refreshing and shit.
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Cats are semi demonic anyways, my cat Cahill watches me in the bathtub while trying to convince me that it is cool to have a bottle of acid on the side of the tub
My cat Thelma says it’s okay to have a radio playing on the side of the tub!
Mine suggested I blow dry my hair while in the tub to save time….
Mine once told me they dropped their favorite toy down the garbage disposal, then they sat by the switch while I reached in for it. Fortunately I had the garbage disposal disconnected at the time when they swatted the switch. They were not please. Also, there was no toy in there.
Oh God I HATE Palmetto Bugs too! Once one did fall on my head AND got tangled in my hair!!! I nearly passed out!!!
I would have beat myself unconscious trying to get it out. Fact.
Palmetto bugs are what keeps me from moving south-south. Brrr. My system could not stand that kind of shock.
They freak me the hell out, girl. That is no exaggeration. Living alone, I have learned to keep my cool long enough to chase one down and destroy it, but I will do the heebie-jeebie dance the whole time and whimper.
LOL! I love your renderings!
Thanks.
Tinks saves the day and eats the bug!! Now you have lots of room for those dead hookers. Being a holiday weekend, I’m sure you have more than one.
It was a Dead Hooker Holiday indeed.
Wouldn’t it be more efficient to keep your hookers alive? Then they could be a revenue source instead of Exhibit “A”. Jack could be their pimp. It’d be so sweet, and you’d finally be able to get that smell out of the trunk of your car.
Live hookers smell worse. Plus they always want to “borrow” your hooker clothes. I prefer them dead and in my trunk. HA!
Laura, I’m not talking SouthWest Atlanta hookers, the kind that have six teeth between them; I’m talking about uptown, Heidi Fleiss Manhattan penthouse hookers. The kind that shower after every “date.” Anyway, you should consider it, Jack would look fabu in a pimp hat, and you’d finally be able to afford that Michael Kors purse. ;D
Jack could pimp slap ‘em every day too. He might enjoy that.
You should write and illustrate a children’s book about palmetto bugs.Best sellah!
I SHOULD!
remind me to tell you the story of the Xmas Possum sometimes
OH LAWD! A possum in the house?
The story of the Christmas Possum.
the christmas possum doesnt like you, he doesnt like me, he doesnt like santa claus
leave him the hell alone
the end
Fuck that Christmas possum! Sonsabitch.
If I see anything… anything…. moving faster than I do I call my bug lady.. She’s not afraid of anything… nothin…She is my hero. Whilst I, shivering in the corner whining like a little girl, she comes in with all her “Gear” which is enough to scare the crap out of any bug (or human) and goes at it. I rarely see bugs in my house….now if I could get her to do the entire state of SC I would feel much netter..
That should be Better.. sorry.
I will NOT stay in the house with a Palmetto Bug walking/flying/stalking around AND I will spot the sucker in the evening when exterminators are fast asleep. It’s up to me to kill the fucker. So that’s what I do. I’m military trained you know.
First of all I would just like to thank you and every other soldier who ever served or is serving this fine country of ours. It was indeed a great weekend. Thank you for making that possible for all of us.
Second of all… What the hell do you feed your bugs in SC? or is Tinks just a small cat? WOW!
My stint in the military was completely my honor, but thank you. Also, I think we have too many nuclear plants down here so the bugs grow big and mean. Oh, did I tell you Palmetto Bugs fly? Yes, they do. Gigantic flying cockroaches. Lovely. NOT.
did i ever mention how how i think girls in cammo are?
Thanks for protecting schulbs like me
the baby goat liberation army salutes you
No, how do you think girls in cammo are?
I would protect all the schulbs. It was my job and it was an honor to be in the military.
Hawt baby, army chicks are hawt
Ha! Oh, okay.
Palmettos are like lobsters for kitteh.
I should have melted some butter.
Clarified butter, I trust.
And I think Tinks deserves a dozen PEI oysters on the half-shell.
She needs to stay bought.
For reals.
YEaaaaaaaaa Tinks…. can I borrow her?
Well, not now. Now that I know she’ll kill Palmettos.
Reason #2938485678689 why I live in Canada! What the hell mokey is a Plametto bug???
My bug rule is .. if it is as big as my head, it can not live in my house! Period! I don’t care how helpful it is!
Shudder!
A huge flying cockroach that lives mostly in pine trees.
OH MY GOD…I need mind bleach…and you CHOOSE to live there.
I KNOW! I think I might be insane!
Your comment box hates me, Laura.
I just wrote a freakin’ essay, pressed ‘post comment’ and it fucking disappeared.
In a nutshell, this is what I wrote.
1. I am from the UK and am unaware of palmetto bugs.
2. I Googled a palmetto bug.
3. A string of exclamations and swear words ensued.
4. I then told a little story about how I once worked a summer in America, at an extremely religious children’s camp, and never once saw a palmetto bug.
5. I did get bitten by a brown recluse spider, at said camp.
6. Which was unfortunate.
7. The end.
Was the camp in the South? You are very lucky if it was and you didn’t see one. Also, holy hell, a brown recluse! Did you lose any body parts?
Also, I will have my tech look at the comments acting up like that.
I use spray cleaner (409, Fantastik, Lysol, etc.) to kill bugs. Unfortunately, I’m too chicken to touch bugs, even when they’re dead. Thus, I’m forced to avoid the room with the dead bug until my husband gets home and dispatches with it. I need a cat.
If my cats won’t eat them- I take 150 paper towels, wad them around my hand to make a barrier, and will pick up a dead body and throw it outside. I will not put one in the garbage can or toilet (God forbid!) in case they revive. They will seek vengence. you know.
The Child Bride has a special pair of barbecue tongs she picks up the dead rats and mice that Fatso the Cat brings home to show his hunting prowess.
Perhaps they have barbecue tongs in America? If not, I can send you a pair. They come in packs of three.
Do they come with a hazmat suit too?
Tinks is a hero. Have some respect. (“Mmm, tastes like Satan” – lol)
Oh I respect Tinks. Tinks is also a serial killer.
That exactly why you should respect her. Serial killers are not to be underestimated.
Or trusted. But seriously, Tinks is an expert hunter.
before there was RAID, there were tasers. Or visa-versa….F, either way you should have tased it. FACT.
Their armor is too thick.
A. I Googled Palmetto bug and I swear to the baby Jesus I will never sleep again. Or travel south.
B. Should I have capitalized south in that sentence? I don’t even know. I think the images of that bug damaged my synapses and stuff.
C. My cat doesn’t eat bugs. Ever. He chooses to simply hunch and stare at his “prey” in what I believe is an attempt to bore them to death.
Damn cat.
Girl, aren’t they DISGUSTING?! And never worry about punctuation, spelling, capitalization, or anything like that here.
Thelma will kill spiders only. She runs from Palmetto Bugs.
Good girl Tinks! She is trying to show you you are under her protection also.
i gave myself a heat exhaustion yesterday, I didn’t know it, the fucking humidity was so high. the temp jumped 3 degrees in 20 mins while I was walking in the morning. I was ill most of the day.
I had heat exhaustion once after a charity run in Texas years ago and I literally thought I was going to die. I laid on the floor with a wet cloth on my head trying to stop the pain. Worse migraine ever, horrible muscle cramps, vomiting. I hope you feel better.
Ive had full blown heat stroke and it was very bad. Its been years but what they say is true on that you always will be heat sensitive from then on. That on top of my Fibromyalgia… But yesterday totally hit me outta the fucking left field! I can usually “feel” the signs. As soon as I felt it I cut to home quick.
Drink lots of water!
Actually, it’s the sodium depletion that causes the headache ‘n shit.
Have a couple or ten margaritas with double salt. You’ll feel better in no time at all.
You must be a doctor. And a damn good one at that.
“Is it any wonder I drink? I mean, besides it being so tasty and refreshing and shit.”
:::refreshing and shit:::
you are so funny!
Well, thank you, but that’s the truth.
Good for Tinks! Seal used to dispatch spiders and crane flies for me. (Crane fly looks like a mosquito, only nuclear-mutant size. Luckily they don’t bite.) I didn’t drink too much over the long weekend, but I sure as heck ate too much! I’m going to need to buy a new pair of jeans at this rate. Ugh.
I wore “expanda-pants” this weekend and boy was that ever a mistake. I had nothng holding me back!
I’ve got a few pair of “comfort waistband” pants.
They’re known in the Bingley Household as my “fatty-foo” pants.
HAHA! I love that name!
Me and Stretch took to drinking and eating over the weekend as well. We hoisted several in honor of Patriot Jack. We’ve got to arrange a “meet up” for those two. Well, maybe not…that would be trouble with a capital T.
I did a huge ass Palmetto Bug with a .410 once…I killed it, and I also killed the wall, and the lamp. The damn thing looked like a bat. It was HUGE. I can be a problem solver when need be. No solution necessary because I eliminated the problem.
I’ve seen Stretch do back-flips and shit off the back of couches and chairs to try to get to the evil bugs.
Maybe I need a cat?
You do need a cat! Stretch needs one too!
I once heard a constant thumping noise in one of the bedrooms one day and I went to investigate with my .38. When I opened the door there was a Palmetto Bug THE SIZE OF THE PALM OF MY HAND FLYING INTO THE WALL OVER AND OVER!! It was straight out of a Stephen King novel. I almost shot it, but instead I screamed, slammed the door, and ran like hell looking for a long heavy weapon to smash the fucker. I decided on a shovel. Later, I patched and repainted the wall.
You’re right…those fuckers get HUGE. I wish I’d had a shovel close at hand, because I trashed the wall and a lamp…but it is a memory I will never forget. Neither will my neighbors. .410 inside is loud.
I’m not sure how Stretch would deal with a cat. The last time he went to a house with a cat, nobody saw the cat for days. He thought it was a toy, I guess. Heck if I know, but I do know that cat could’ve whipped his ass if it wanted.
My cats have rolled Jack before while they’re playing tag. It’s funny as hell to watch.
“Mmm, tastes like Satan…” LOL! Tinks is a warrior, just like her keeper, Laura. I would say owner, but of course, one never “owns” cats- you simply keep them happy… or die in your sleep… buff said.
(Have I mastered the ellipse- usage training yet?)
You need “more” ellipses! You can never “have too many!”
Tinks is probably one of the best feline hunters I have ever witnessed. I’ve seen her take down birds in flight and squirrels on the run. She is fierce, BUT is best friends with Jack. It is the oddest thing. I am serious when I say she protects him. She also completely ignores my parrot.
Rawr!
Rawr!
Being from So. California I think I’m lucky I have no idea what a palmetto bug is although I did grow up on a street called Palmetto (seriously). Tinks is awesome, I think I will read your blog to my kitty. hahaha She loves to eat bugs but I think a palmetto bug would make her, ummmm, us hide under the bed.
You are very lucky to not only be from So. California, but to also never have seen a Palmetto Bug. Also to have a cat that enjoys blogs.
I’m not even looking up palmetto bug on the computer. oh, did I mention I live in San Diego? Not that I want you to hate me or anything.
Errrrrghhh. Did you know I LOVE San Diego? Like, I would make out with it. A lot.
Nope, didn’t know that. You have great taste. When I got the opportunity to move here, I didn’t realize how fast I could pack my shit!
Oh man, you took time to pack?
Forgot to add… there’s a few gin and tonics waiting for you next time you visit.
Careful what you say…I’m packing now…
Well, centipedes WERE my only worry. Now I’m afraid of palmetto bugs too! Praise baby Jesus that I live in the Midwest and will never encounter one here. I do need some mind bleach for the description of the one that was as big as your palm! YUCK!
Hey, maybe you could train the palmettos to stalk and attack the Bunch ‘O Bitches!
My cats won’t eat bugs anymore. They’ve each tried a centipede and spit those sonsabitches out like they tasted BAD. Now they just stare at bugs.
Palmetto Bugs are like bacon to cats. Huge thick-sliced bacon. They are so disgusting I would never dream of training one! When I see pics of people touching them, I die a little inside.
I went to the psycho ward once due to being all depressed and anxious and shit. Once I got there they gave a handful of pharmaceuticals which were very nice. I had no idea how nice until I was laying in my uncomfortable institutional bed and saw a huge Palmetto Bug creeping across the ceiling. Normally, I would’ve levitated out of bed screaming and headed for the next state, but this time I lay back and giggled then went to sleep . You don’t run into drugs like that every day.
HA! Jesus H. Christ, those must have been the howitzer of drugs to make you giggle at a Palmetto Bug! You should have tried to sneak some out. Drugs, not Palmetto Bugs.
i love it when chicks get all sexy and shit about teh droogs
Are you drinking? Ha!
If you really want to be horrified, look up potato bug. One would think it would either a) look like a potato or b) eat potatoes. One would be so wrong. Go ahead, I dare ya.
And then think about finding one of these casually hanging out in your SHOE. (Shoes were properly disposed of, because there were never going on my feat again.)
HOLY HELL! Kill it with fire!
Look up cottonwood borer. Traumatized the fuck outta me as a kid. Almost crush it with my hand climbing a tree…. a cottonwood tree!
http://www.tulsamastergardeners.org/insects/cottonwoodborer.html
Saw this one when I last worked Cottonwood beetle. Scared the fuck outta me. It’s big too.
http://www.tulsamastergardeners.org/insects/cottonwoodbeetle.html
FUCK THAT SHIT. Kill them all with fire.
Yes, yes, yes, but a potato bug, at least the ones that adore my shoes and have been known to walk off with watermelons get to about 3″ in diameter. The first time I saw one, I thought it was sent to kill me… by aliens.
MAYBE IT WAS!!
I wanted to add a nice picture for you… you will think the quarter is there for scale, but really, it’s all that’s left from the last armored truck robbery…
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:Mahogany_Jerusalem_cricket.jpg
HAHAHA! It seriously looks like a huge ant and an albino cricket had a baby. It’s that whole “strong mandibles” thing that really creeps me out.
Ohhh… that just makes me shiver. I died inside a little.
… those thick bug legs+long curly hair…
I died some more.
What the hell are Palmetto bugs? I wonder whether we have them in England… Scary!
Huge flying cockroaches. I think they’re native to the southern United States.
Well, it certainly isn’t any wonder why J drinks.
HAHAHA! He says the same thing!
so my daughter sees the rendering and excitedly goes “Kitty, kitty” and I say, yeah kitty ate a nasty yucky bug and did the whole body “ewwww”….daughter starts laughing an evil laugh! wth???????
I don’t know how you live in the same region as these nasty creatures….I would have died from a heart attack!
I am not kidding when I say I live in fear all summer of one of these nasty sonsabitches landing on me.
I’m likin’ your kid…
ugh. a few weeks ago im in the shower (has those sliding doors on the tub that are so fun to clean) and i see this massive spikey leg sticking out from under the door in the gutter that was so not there when i got in. i don’t know how i didnt scream and slip and die but i kept my cool and finished my shower carefully angling the water so it wouldnt knock whatever the hell owned that scary leg in with me cause then i really would die. it was hard to rinse my hair with my eyes open but i trooped through it and escaped through the other door slowly and went to put on clothes since i sure as hell wasn’t going to confront that thing naked.. well any more so than i had already done. i grab my chemical weapon and a stick for stick science purposes and roll that puppy open to reveal a freakin massive cockroach which we can call a palmetto bug but really that’s just dressing it up for company, it was a freakin cockroach . only one i’ve ever seen in here and hopefully the only one i ever will, but if tinks eats carpenter ants and spiders he can visit here anytime.
YES! They are fancified murderous cockroaches! The only reason I will call them Palmetto Bugs is because they really do prefer living outside, and they fly like Black Hawk helicopters, unlike a regular roach. They are 500 times grosser though. I think Tinks thought it was a crow.
Cockroaches lay 400 eggs a DAY! people….
A DAY! if U see one… there are many many more…There is never never just one…. Palmetto bugs.. You just may get one in your house but Cockroaches is an apocalypse….and the longer you try your own exterminating devices the more you will have because they lay 400 EGGS A DAY! OMG it’s awful.
Damn. That’s just disgusting, no wonder the South is covered with them.
When I was stationed Florida they had some monster bugs running around loose. I thought I’d seen it all until I found myself in a Latin American country where there were no American military personnel….officially. There were critters in the barracks that you’d need to use an anti-tank rocket to take out!
Yeah, the closer you get the equator, the scarier the creatures. The heat and humidity makes monsters.
When I was in Florida before they closed NAS Cecil Field one of the guys bought a breeding pair of iguanas and let them loose in the barracks. Within the year they were over-run with lizards but they never again had a bug problem.
Palmetto bugs is what they call the roaches so as not to scare the tourists away. I hatez em, we have them in NC, too. Not as big as the ones in Florida though, which is good!
Oh yeah, they are mutated roaches that FLY AND WANT TO MURDER YOU. Bring in the lizards I say!
How come you have 91 comments? No one has 91 comments! You must have a bucket full of aliases.
But like you anyway.
This is 92.
Ha! It counts my responses, so kinda divide it in half.
I may be crazy, but I don’t talk to myself.
I wish Tinks could teach Rooster – the sultan of the domicile here – how to go off on crickets. He just sits there.
Noisy fuckers.
Bad luck to kill a cricket in the house! Rooster knows this.
Palmetto bugs I know too well. One of them jumped into my bicycle basket when I was a kid. Damn near ran me off the road.
That’s what it wanted to do!
One may not know it from looking at me, but I am evil.
Palmetto bugs, while absolutely disgusting, do not frighten me. But I did once pull a prank on a friend who, like yourself, was mortally petrified of them. I mailed a “present” which had several rubber bugs strategically placed inside to fall out upon opening. Then, sat back gleefully imagining the funny scene when the box was opened.
Strangely enough, and I still can’t figure out why, my friend didn’t see the humor in the prank. …
That is evil. Ha! Is she still your friend?
I am not really afraid of spiders or other bugs, or even snakes for that matter. It’s when a bug is freakishly large and aggressive and in my living space that I get all pansy-ass. It’s like a primal fear thing in me that makes me scream and run. If I am closed up with one- like in a car or something- I freak out even more.
[...] Laura contemplates the origin of the town in which she lives: I’d like to know what insane settler walked through here centuries ago and thought “Damn! This godforsaken place is so hot and humid and has such massive, disgusting bugs, I think I’ll build a town here!” [...]
There was one under my desk at work when I arrived on Tuesday. First, I nearly shit myself. Then I squealed and made my coworker kill it. We’re on the 5th floor. How did it even get there? Oh, that’s right. It had wings.
EW EW EW EW EW EW!
You can not escape them. And you can not go a summer without them making their way to you. Fact.