Everyone needs a fleet of flying monkeys to rip the stuffing out of the annoying people in their lives
Sometimes I wonder why J puts up with me, but then I remember how awesome I am. Plus, I think he’s a little afraid of my voodoo if I’m ever jilted. I really should be a relationship counselor. This is like a head injury entry; it wobbles all over the place, doesn’t make any sense, and you probably shouldn’t go to sleep for six hours after reading it.
I went back to the eye doctor the other day for a follow-up on my scratched corneas. It seems my right eye is all healed but my left eye’s cornea is still fucked up. I had my chin in that head contraption thingie when the doctor looked at it and said “Uh oh.” and I’m all “What!?” and he says it’s worse. Damn dude, do not say “uh oh” to a hypochondriac. I asked him if I would have to wear an eye patch, and he said “No.” Then he stained it and looked at it again and said it was “somethingsomethingitis” and I was all “What the hell is that?” thinking I had just months to live. But he said for whatever reason I had started only doing a complete blink like every 4th or 5th blink. What the hell? Am I now so fucking lazy I can’t even bother to blink? What’s next? I cut back on breathing? I wanted answers dammit because my hypochondriac mind started working overtime, unlike my blinking, so I started blasting him with questions.
“Could I have had a stroke?”
“Are you sure it’s not rabies?”
“I’m sure it’s not rabies.”
“What about leprosy? Can it be leprosy?”
“No, it’s not leprosy.”
“Do you think I should wear an eye patch?”
“Do you think because the right eye has worse vision that my body somehow is rejecting it because it isn’t up to par and I’ll grow a better eye?”
He just stared at me on that one.
“Are you certain I don’t need an eye patch?”
“Stop with the eye patch already.”
Then he turned, wrote me a script and handed it to me.
“What’s the street value on these drugs?”
“Get out of my office.”
P.S. I bought an eye patch at the pharmacy. Arrgh.138 Comments
Links to Enjoy
- Andrew Knapp Photos.
- Pot Noodles.
- The Hyena Handlers of Nigeria.
- Rest in fucking pieces, Mr. Darcy.
- Wake Up!
- Hitler's Home Movies.
- Subway Surfer.
- MC Mom.
- Is Your Girlfriend a Horse?
- Now I want to go to Iceland.
- Karaoke Hitler.
- Wake up! They see us!
- How a Gas Nozzle Knows When To Shut Off.
- A Yelp Review left for Walter Palmer's Dental Practice.
- Sleeping Guy Gets Twizzlered.
- Birds in Watercolor.
- When Taunting Goes Wrong.
- Google Sheep View.
- 3 year old girl explain the complexities of childbirth in 4 seconds.
I would like to see a rendering of the eye patch. You should have your parrot on your shoulder in the rendering. Arrr.
I spoil y’all with my renderings. Sometimes you just have to imagine things. Ha!
I bet your doctors love you. lol
Especially when they cash my checks.
That attic squirrel gave you eye rabies!
That’s what I’m thinkin’.
So what was the street value of the drugs?? LOL
I don’t know! I know with my crappy insurance the co-pay was $10,000.00. Or close to it.
“What’s the street value on these drugs?”
I’ll have to remember that on my next visit to my doctor. He’s an old friend.
Yeah, it’s best not to say that to a new doctor. I know.
He said it was babyclooneygoatitis?
Mmm… toast…buttery carbs.
I will take anything with Clooney in it though .
OMG…. babyclooneygoatitis? You guys are hysterical. babyclooneygoatitis ! bhaaaawwaaaawwaaaaaa.. that’s funny. I’ll bet that needs a patch…..baaawaahhhhaaawwaaaa!
Well I got one just in case.
I was once actually ordered to wear an eye patch by the doctor (I had fallen and busted myself in the corner of the eye on the coffee table). It was the BEST. INJURY.EVER.
I KNOW! Why even bother having eye injuries or eye rabies if you can’t wear a patch?
This is why you should live in a trailer…. There are no attics and you can be pretty sure that if you get bitten it is either a zombie in which case your totally screwed or it really is a rabid animal in which case your totally screwed…
I think your eye is most likely being rejected by your head! You should ask if you can please be put on the transplant list… I hear extra eyes don’t pop up every day.
Ooooh, instead of a regular eye transplant, I’d want one of those big googly eyes from the craft store put in! THAT would be cool.
Oh sheesh I totally scared everyone over here in this section of the building when I read about the googly eye idea…
You are so AWESOME
that is all
You have a position in my PR department waiting once I take over the world.
You should test drive it and give Jack the one-eyed look. See how he reacts.
He looks at me weird if I even wear glasses around him!
LMFAO @ a googly eye transplant!
These comments and your replies are almost as funny as your stories!
Yeah, these commenters can crack me up.
I had to wear an eye patch once and I couldn’t fly for a week…..oh I mean drive… sorry. They are weird things. Throws you entire equilibrium off…. I miss the goat pix today….
J said y’all are sick of my goat pics. Nazi.
I love Eye Patches. If you get two then later.. when your done wearing them on your eye… you can use them as a Corny kinda bra,, yeah,, it works…
Damn, I’m not that flat-chested.
If I knew a stripper I would wear one on my eye. A clean, unused one because…ewww… I don’t need stripper titty germs in my scratched eye.
Poor you! i love the comment about being too lazy to blink properly that cracked me up!
At our house I have one cat with a gunky eye, another with a newly gunky eye and another that chose to rub her eye against mine at 4am….pretty sure soon I’ll have a gunky eye LOL
CAT eye rabies!
That’s Feline eye rabies in medical speak.
Does the medicine make you blink more? Seems like he could have saved you the 100,000 copay and just told you to focus on blinking until it became natural again… or something. Maybe I’m not a doctor. What does blinking even have to do with babyclooneygoatitis, anyway?
Apparently my eye dries out some and thus it stays scratched. I have been focusing on blinking more and now people look at me like I’m trying to send a message morse code-like with my blinks or like I have epilepsy.
or a tic! Tick! Lyme disease… you are toast. Toast! Toast? CARBS! bacon bacon bacon bacon…
did someone say baaaccooooon
Scratched cornea? Doesn’t that hurt?!
Also, is the eye patch black? If so your practically OBLIGATED to dress as a pirate, which would probably make this the best week ever.
I KNOW! I’m giddy with pirate anticipation! Arrgh matey!
we should all pick a day and wear eye patches in support of Laura!
*who loves ya da most?*
YES! Eye Rabies Awareness Day!
I scratched some cornea onetime.
Next time I tried to make a lasagna the damn thing exploded in the oven.
HA! Was it one with a purdy pattern?
I LOVE this idea!
I distinctly remember you dressing as a pirate.. where is that picture??? please put it up again for us to see…I remember it was something about If you don’t like your job then dress for the job you would like to have?? or something like that… and we are not tired of your goat pictures….
Don’t dress for the job you have, dress for the job you want.
Naw – you should buy one of those googly eyes (I’m partial to that word ya know), and then stitch it to the eye patch so that it is all wavey out of the eye patch, ya know, sort of almost zombie like.
Or you could paint a freaky looking eye onto the eye patch. Like a blood shot eye, or a cat’s eye or something cool like that.
Pirate has been done.
I’m wanting an Evil Eye.
Paint an eye on the eye patch. It’s freaky, trust me. At least the dr learned not to say “as you get older” cos dry eye rabies is common as-you-get-older.
I have the opposite, I have eye allergies where the left eye drips like a faucet and makes a shiny crust on my eye lid and eye liner.
not so much. It crunches and then I have eye dander on my cheek. An eye patch would fix that right up! I wouldnt have to put makeup on that eye!
You should wear one then.
:::But he said for whatever reason I had started only doing a complete blink like every 4th or 5th blink. What the hell? Am I now so fucking lazy I can’t even bother to blink? What’s next? I cut back on breathing?:::
Dayum… thats white trash lazy there! How da fuck do you not FULLY blink?
Stop taking benadryl. And take a regular Zyrtec or Allegra or Clairtin or at least the generics. They will help with the ear.
I am not paying you a co-pay.
White trash lazy! Ha!
HA! No charge for rendered services.
Hahaha.. babyclooneygoatitis … drippy left eye…TWO eye patches..too lazy to blink.. Way too funny. The comments are ALMOST as good.
I know! It’s like a whole ‘nother world here in the basement.
LOL that is funny, maybe you should concentrate more on the whole blinking thing. How do you NOT blink a full blink, LMFAO. I think an eye patch is in order and should be worn in public at all times, walking with a limp or dragging one leg might help, if not at least the thought of seeing a one eyed girl dragging one leg behind her makes me lmfao. NO GOAT TODAY!? Your slipping…
I want to look like Daryl Hannah’s character Elle Driver from Kill Bill. But chances are I’ll look more like Dustin Hoffman’s Captain Hook character minus the cool hook hand.
YES Elle Driver!!!
But you must whistle.
that is all
I’m a good whistler too.
UM… I’m becoming YOU!!
The other night my new kitten sneezed right on my eyeball and my fucking lid did NOTHING to protect it! Not even a semi blink. Then it got all red and itchy and I developed feline chlamydia-distemper in my right eye. Couldnt wear my contacts for two days. I need a transplant… and no one has volunteered. True story. I Tweeted every detail. For pity and attention.
OH HELL! Kitty VD Eye! We should have a concert charity for you! Sing like, all cat songs. Whatever the hell those are. I guess I really need to start Twittering to keep up on cool things.
Smelly cat, smelly cat…what are they feeding you?
OR,to the same tune…. VD cat, VD cat, why aren’t they curing you?
Twitter! Twitter! be a tweety twitty twat. Great way to “meet” people and pimp ur blog.
Jesus H. Christ. Twitter should pay me for this one-eyed endorsement.
I had it before and I was one of the worse Twitterers evah. Mostly I just complained about the heat. It’s like I’m too long winded for it.
hi. me. AGAIN. Don’t assassinate me,but i startd a twitter campaign to get you Tweeting. I sent out a call for help to all my tweeps (all 102 of them. wowza) and directed them to your blog. again, plz don’t secret CIA ninja kill me….
Oh, you can pimp me all you want! It fills my atention whore soul doncha know. Thank you.
Oh, I am definitely going to ask that question next time I see my doctor.
You really should. And do it all deadpan serious too.
I here by request a Jack, Thelma or Tink pic. Ive forgotten what they look like.
Ha! I really wish I could get one of them together, but no one cooperates.
Don’t forget HERMAN… everyone always forget about HERMAN! not nice
You should buy one of those funky contacts like they use for Halloween and then on your next eye appointment wear it and your eye patch. When he lifts up the eye patch….HAHAHA….get a “white out” contact so that your pupil looks like it’s non-existant, that’ll freak him out and maybe he’ll start taking your eye rabies more seriously….ooo wait I like the “Possessed Custom Contac Lense” look too…ooo there’s so many to choose from!!!
Ha! That would be fun. He’d be all “What the hell? No wonder your eye is all scratched up.”
My dumb eye “doctor” (term used loosely) casually said it looked like I had eye cancer, sent me to a “specialist” (even looser used) who told me that his gut instict was not to worry about it.
Are you shitting on my face?! How the hell am I supposed to not worry about what one doctor thought was a big ol’ batch of eye cancer?
Jesus Christ. That would have sent me into a tail-spin. Did you have anyone else look at it?
Nah, I am uninterested in anyone else’s “gut insticts”. If that guy was a specialist and he was flummoxed, then I don’t care to grant anyone else with my hard-earned co-pay. I’m starting to think doctors (and vets) aren’t that smart.
Viva la eye patch revolucion!
Even eye would have freaked about that. but Im my own specialist because of those types of “dr’s”. Short of blood work I can usually and accurately diagnose my illnesses ore problems.
2nd and 3rd opinions are a must!
Oh yeah, me and Google are a whole lot smarter than some of the doctors I’ve been to. I think I’m going to open up a practice. I’ll see the patients, go in the back room and Google the symptoms and then come back with the diagnosis.
Google was the one that gave me rabies!
WHY AREN’T YOU ON TWITTER?
I was at one time but seriously, I sucked at it.
I’m surprised it took him that long to kick you out of his office! But at least you got an eye patch and can be really pirate-y. I’m supposed to tell you to get on twitter immediately, if not sooner.
I am shocked I’m not immediately thrown out of doctor’s offices. And grocery stores. And banks. And Post Offices.
we’re tweeting/plotting about you! we’re working on hashtags like,
I, personally, think it’s that naziesque carb-free diet you are on. No carbs means no energy. That means you can’t blink! While bacon and gin solve most everything, this is beyond them. Your fee for this consultation is $1 million. Thanks and have a good day. PS – I would never kick you out of my office (IF I was a doctor and had an office). PSS – Twitter would be a much better place if you were there! PSSS – You’d HAVE TO follow all of us you know!
Okay, okay I will look into getting an account so I can follow y’all and tweet about the weather and pictures of my low carb food. Please put your fee on my account, on account I ain’t got no $1 million dollars.
Voodoo his ass until he proscribes the good drugs! Those designer handbags don’t come cheap, you know…
YEAH! And Circus Peanuts went up.
well look at it this way….all the better to give the ‘stink eye’ with….whoever needs it at the time, J, Jack, bunch’o'bitches….it will be very effective
Of course you’ll be dead in a month but they conveniently forgot to tell you that LOL
giggles and cackles evilly…I’ve just been priming myself to take over the world so I conveniently gave you mouth foaming rabis that look like an eye infection aren’t we the best of friends.
(it’s the end of the school year here, so we’re flippin’ crazy)
I can tell. Because my mouth isn’t foaming and the world is mine. I have plans.
I still want to be a goat herder volunteer
Soooooo, where is the rendering of “The Dread Pirate Laura?”
You guys are spoiled.
Maybe your eye’s about to do this:
Or, hey, maybe someday you’ll be able to do this:
WHAT THE HELL? That’s just wrong.
That made me want to die.
You need to get a BUNCH o’eye patches, and “monkey”them up. Googly eye on one, propeller on another one, hypnotic spinning spiral on another one. Wear a different one to work each day, and FREAK that Bunch o’Bitches at work the HELL out!!! ;D
And flip it from eye to throughout the day.
You are totally prepared for Talk Like A Pirate Day: http://www.talklikeapirate.com/piratehome.html
Once when I was about 6 I had a sleepover on my bedroom floor and the next day my eye hurt and was leaking gross stuff all day but my mom had to go out of town, so my aunt took me to the clinic, but they didn’t have the right eye-looking machine, (is that the right hyphen usage?) so they sent me to the ER, and the ER doctor put crazy painful drops in my eyes and tried to make me count to ten but I couldn’t remember how because it hurt so much, and then they stuck a cotton swab in my eye and pulled out a little clear piece of plastic that was covering my eyeball for 24 hours. And then I had to wear an eyepatch to school. Ahhhrrrr…
PS – I hope you’re serious about twitter. We need you there!
OUCH! And I gave in and signed up but remember- I suck at social networking.
I was introduced to my own Mittendorf’s Dot when I was working with a binocular microscope a few years ago. Contrary to the friendly-sounding name comparison to what might be a cute little dwarf-mitten thing, what I saw when I threw the microscope wildly out of focus was a nasty cluster of brownish cells. At first I thought it was something on one of the lenses of the microscope, so I cleaned it thoroughly. The nasty-looking monstrosity persisted. Then I noticed that it stayed with my right eye, no matter which optic I was looking through, and the orientation of the cluster stayed the same even if I moved around the scope.
“Shit, I’ve got eye-cancer!” I thought. My uncle lost his eye in his early teens due to a tumor on his optic nerve, and my extended family is like a circus sideshow of exotic growths both benign and malignant, so I was freaked.
As I explained to the eye doc what I saw, she droned uninterested, “floaters are little pieces of vascular tissue floating inside the fluid of the eye that create shadows on the retina that give the appearance of…”
Me: “NO! That is NOT what I have! I saw it with a microscope! I’ve got eye cancer!”
Doc: “You can’t see your own eye with a microscope – that’s impossible.”
Me: “But I did! The growth followed my eye no matter which optic I looked through! It’s a cluster of about a dozen cells that look like this…[drawing on her pad of paper] and they’re brown and NASTY looking! Is it cancer?”
Doc: “You can’t see your own eye in a microscope.”
Me: “But I did.”
Doc: “No you didn’t. I don’t know what you saw, but you didn’t see your own eye.”
Me: “Yes I did.”
Doc: “No you didn’t.”
Me: “But if the light entering my eye was focused just so, couldn’t it create an image on my retina of whatever is in the path of that beam of light?”
Doc: “Well, yeah, but it would have to be focused to a very high angle of… Wait a minute…” [Grabs eye scope thingy and looks at my eye again] “No, that won’t do it, come over here… [leading me to a seat in front of the glaucoma-shoot-your-eye-with-a-ball-of-air torture device, then peering into my eye with the blinding alien-nightmare colored light] “Look up. Now look left. Look straight on… Well I’ll be damned. You’ve got a Mittendorf’s Dot smack-dab in the center of your lens. It’s so tiny I can barely see it, but it’s there.”
Me: “It looks about like a five-pound sack of potatoes hung two feet in front of me when I see it in the scope.”
Doc: “You are by-God the first person I have ever heard of to see inside their own eye. Congratulations!”
Me: “Is it cancer?”
Doc: “It’s not cancer.”
Me: “Are you sure? Because it looks like shit. Literally. It looks scary as hell.”
Doc: “It’s not scary – it’s completely benign. I never saw it before because it’s so tiny, it’s just a tiny speck. It’s almost invisible. I can’t believe you managed to see not only the cluster but individual Mittendorf cells inside your own eye! I can’t wait to tell…”
Yeah, leave it to me to discover technology which has the sole purpose of scaring the hell out of myself!
I hope you keep an eye on it. Or a microscope.
And by the way, your story is incredible and very interesting. There is no way I want to see anything inside me. Seriously. I will turn my head at x-rays and scans and I refuse to read my own medical records. I will see ONE TINY word or spot and my mind goes wild and that’s it. I’m dead.
Thanks again. There was also the time after a motorcycle accident that I had a hole in my skull that I could put three fingers in and the radiology doctors all said there was “nothing remarkable” about my x-rays. So now I’ve got cadaver bone in my head, just over my left eye. It’s kinda creepy, but convenient… ’cause now I can blame the voices on the likelihood that my own skull is haunted.
That’s kinda cool. I’d tell everyone I had a dead man’s head. But damn when you said you could put three fingers in your skull, that kinda creeped me out. Damn.
That is a very cool story. Not quite as cool as discovering penicillin in your day old bread, but very cool. I sat here trying to imagine a use for it, but I think you are right. Its sole value is that it scared the hell out of you. Bravo. There ought to be a prize for that.
Thats scary and cool. I have an extra artery in the left eye. I wonder if it’s related? My eye doc at the time said if I ever had a stroke and it affected my eyes, I had to hope it would be the left eye cos that would save it.
It’s nice to know you have a reserve then.
I am having a hard time believing that the bunch-o-bitches are not behind this somehow. Did you leave your “How to do voodoo” manual in a desk drawer by accident?
Hope your eye’s better soon !
I think you should draw an Angry eye on the eye patch.
Ok…everybody reading this I want you to ENJOY your A/C in your house. At 15 years old, our central unit just Croaked. (We’re 100 miles NW of Houston TX)
Started yesterday. The tech’s already been here.
Too many costly things to fix in it at one time so we decided it’s time to replace the whole damned thing.
Probably be tomorrow or the next day before a new system’s put in.
The house has leveled off at 90 inside.
I’ve done this before….no biggie….it just SUCKS.
Gotta dig out Fargo to watch.
Now Laura can flame me for so much O/T. I just wanted to complain about it.
Whoa- I would have to go to a hotel. With a pool and a bar.
I felt bad for Buster, our Maine Coon. If he could tough it out with all his fur, I could too.
Thankfully today they brought and installed a loaner outside unit so we won’t have to BAKE until we can get our replacement installed sometime next week.
Their replacement team’s booked till then. Thank God they started setting up traded in loaners for people in this horrid situation.
I can actually think coherently again.
I just hope the loaner unit lasts till then.
MIL had suggested we come over there to her house to stay in the meantime before the loaner came out….Umm…..NO, thank you.
Well I am glad you have some air! Like I’ve said, there is no way I could survive without air in these horrendous southern summers.
No shit. Im just outside Dallas/Garland area. We are almost topping 100 already. I agree about the cats. Ive had to suffer with them in heat and cold. And yes it can get too cold for them (it happened a few years a ago, the coldest winter and we had 3 days of no power), they are pampered. I just roll that way…
It’s always hot here, in and around and over 100 in the summers. I’ve lost power before and taken all the animals to kennels just so they can have teh AC. Not many hotels, or friends will take in my menagerie.
I kid you not, this actually happened:
I read your post before I went to bed. You must have just posted it fresh because there were no comments yet. I couldn’t think of anything clever to say, so I went to bed.
Guess what? I woke up with a goopy eye! But I was just waking up, so I wasn’t thinking about your post enough to put two and two together.
Then! Later, I checked in to re~read your post and see what the comments were. And JUST as I was doing that…BANG!…I felt like a tiny spark had hit my eye! I looked in the mirror, and a teeny little pimple bump had popped up on my eyelid! WTF?!?!
How did you do that?! Were you VooDooing me? You don’t even know me!
This gives a whole new meaning to “computer virus!”
I think my voodoo is out of control! It’s ricocheting and shit I bet! Quick, kill a chicken or eat a bucket of chicken (I forgot which) and drink some gin! It won’t protect you, but you won’t care so much passed out with a full belly and a greasy chin or blood on kitchen tille, depending on which way you went with the chicken.
Now this is getting spooky. Because, see, last night during my work break, I was ravenous…so I went to the store and got one of those rotisserie chickens and ate it in my car with my bare hands!
OMG…where’s the gin?! I need to break this spell!!!!
YES! Lots of gin.
Please put up your old pirate pix… we wanna see.. we wanna seeeeeee.. Weeee Waaanntt Toooo Seeeeeeeeeee! pweze!
Ha! It’s in my Facebook.
I dont facebook…. Paweeeze!
p.s. I dont twitter and I dont i-phone.. I only Monkey…pweeeze…