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One of my first duties as Queen of the World would be to free all of the goats in all the world. I’ll be like a goat Moses. | Fetch My Flying Monkeys
Everyone needs a fleet of flying monkeys to rip the stuffing out of the annoying people in their lives
— Laura

Believe it or not, sometimes I say shit just to get a rise out of people. I know! Shocking! One of my favorite people to do this to is J.  J is about the easiest going guy you’d ever want to meet. Seriously. I know I joke about him being a Nazi and hating freedom, but mostly I do this because, well,  J is a politician. Yeah, that’s right, and calling him a Nazi and a freedom hater are things that bother him; that and my incessant talk about my love for George Clooney, but not really, he just rolls his eyes about that. Another favorite pastime of mine is to discuss my World Domination plans with him; OUTRAGEOUS, non-politically correct, violent plans. When I do this, little veins pop out on his forehead, his jaw tightens, and  you can see him physically cringe.  He’ll look at me with his eyes widened and say something like “Laura, you wouldn’t really do that would you?” And I’ll  say something like “Damn skippy I would!” and throw my head back, laugh maniacally, and then straighten up and say all sweet psycho-like ”Let’s go get ice cream!”

Here’s an example of one of our conversations about my World Domination plans just the other day:

Me: “…and then I’d blow their fucking country off the map, taking all their natural resources for my own. And if their neighbors didn’t like it, I’d blow them off the map too! Take that, motherfuckers! Ha!”

J: “If I can accomplish one thing in my lifetime, it’s to make certain you gain no power.”

Me: (ignoring him) “And I’d have a new Manhattan Project to develop a new Neutron Bomb that would kill all the people and leave the goats standing.”

J: “Yeah, but…”

Me: “Dude, you didn’t think I’d rule the world and want to hold hands with the evil, barbaric cultures and sing Kumbaya did you? What’s the point in that? We do that NOW! No. No. No. Tuesdays and Thursdays will be nuclear annihilation days and that will continue until attitudes improve.”

J: “Well, I was hoping you really didn’t mean…how’d you put it?  ’Kill them all and let God sort them out.’”

Me: “I swear, sometimes it’s like we never met. That will be the motto on the new flag by the way. Now let’s go get ice cream!”

And since my voodoo dolls still aren’t in, here’s a picture of a smiling goat:

This goat likes the idea of a Neutron Bomb.

84 Comments
 

84 Responses to One of my first duties as Queen of the World would be to free all of the goats in all the world. I’ll be like a goat Moses.

  1. I’m pretty sure that goat’s smirking because he knows how much better you’re going to make his life as soon as you gain world domination. Will the new flag have a goat’s profile, or a straight-up head shot on it?

  2. Holly says:

    Hmm.. If that ever does happen for you just be aware we will negotiate and pretty much all our goats are free, well, coddled anyway.
    Given J’s lifetime goal, if you DO ever gain power perhaps then is the time to start wearing body armour against that knife that he might just be trying to place in your back…..or just let thelma deal with him. I assume she’s running security…

    • Laura says:

      Probably a silhouette of a goat with a sunrise behind it- well, not really a sunrise, more like a mushroom cloud.

    • Laura says:

      Yes, she will be and y’all are safe. And J will be just like Christopher Walken in “The Dead Zone”- attempting to assassinate me because he knows what the world will be in for. Ha!

  3. Tink says:

    I am so sure, If you were in charge, attitudes would definitely change.. HA! oh Hell,… a lot of things would change… Poor “J”….

  4. Cinny says:

    Can I have a position in your government?

  5. Jennifer says:

    LOL! Poor J. I can just imagine him shaking his head.

  6. Joe the Blog Stalker says:

    You should run for president, I see nothing wrong with your policies.

  7. One Crazed Chick says:

    J??? A politician??? And yet you will rule the world one day? I hope J’s a great politician because I know just how you will rule the world!

  8. Heather says:

    You’ll be more famous than Oprah!

    • Laura says:

      I’ll be bigger than Oprah. And I mean that literally. I’ll be eating a lot of bacon and Circus Peanuts because I’ll be throwing a lot of formal political dinners. And by political dinners I mean meeting with my nuclear scientists and goat herders.

  9. Steve says:

    So when you free the goats, will they all be just roaming the streets?

  10. hoodyhoo says:

    “If I can accomplish one thing in my lifetime, it’s to make certain you gain no power.” Sometimes I’m CERTAIN J and Chuckweasel are the same person…

  11. Yabu says:

    Will you give Stretch a job as a senior goat herder? I’ve seen him take on a thousand pound bull before…no problem. I’ll send you his resume, it’s very impressive.

  12. My first job after college was being a staffer for a state congressman who really WAS the world’s biggest jerk. Seriously – he once threw a stapler at a co-worker. No amount of ice cream would’ve fixed the situation. Gold bars, though, would’ve made me stay in that job for at least 10 years.

    • Laura says:

      There are way too many assholes in the world and a lot of them are elected officials. J is not one of them. And if I was on the receiving end of that stapler that congressman would be dead right now and I’d be imprisoned for murder by stapler, ’cause if ANYONE throws something at me- it’s getting implanted into their skull. NO job is worth being physically abused over. Of course, most of us are mentally abused…but that’s another thing.

      • PlayinPosse says:

        I’m not too sure it’s not physical abuse! The mental issues are certainly causing physical problem (of course, wanting to throw things at people and cause physical hard could be a bigger problem)

  13. Curtal Friar says:

    If all the goats were with you, then you’d naturally have all the goatsuckers coming after you and yours too. You’d have to declare war on them as well. Be a tough conflict, as they’re notoriously difficult to find, if not downright impossible, at least till it’s almost too late.

    Laura vs. the chucabras!

  14. LeeAnn says:

    Please don’t part the Red Sea. The goats will just pee in it and the smell…. well, beach property values would take a dive. And I just bought some nice Red Sea beachfront from this nice Nigerian via email. Such a nice man. He was a king once, he said.

  15. laughingmom says:

    Your flag motto should be in Latin – it is a dead language!

  16. Dannie says:

    I volunteer to herd goats. :)

  17. I would like to volunteer my services in the Black Ops section. Failing that, I want to work in the catering department. You make it sound very easy ;)

  18. Bitch, back it up! I am first in line as Queen of The World! FACT! Just ask my assistant, she will confirm it. And just to prove it I am now about to attend the bi-annual Fire Warden Meeting for our building…if I can find my bright orange hat, oh, here it is! *SNAP!*

  19. [...] wants to be a Goat Moses. This is NOT a [...]

  20. patti says:

    Poor J, he should commiserate with the hub – the hub is always having to kick me under the table to try to get me to shut up at “functions”. He ain’t a politician but he is a recovering attorney (not the ass hole kind) and might work for the gob’ment. Ha!
    I bet all your K-bar and firearms speak give J heartburn when he is being all political – maniacal laughter inserted here…
    Laura for Queen Of The World!

  21. I don’t actually think you know what that goat likes.

  22. AmyLynn says:

    ALL HAIL LAURA QUEEN OF THE WORLD

    I want to have the job of taking pictures of the goats while they are lounging in the lap of luxury. Then I could put a different goat on the front page of the newspaper every day.

    My son Ben, could just follow me around laughing in true maniacal form— he has that down

    HA!

    Let me know

    that is all

  23. Your foreign policy awesome has been enshrined at NSKMD.
    We are not worthy.

    http://nskmd.wordpress.com/2011/06/02/geo-political-wisdom/

  24. Jan says:

    The Nukings will continue until morale improves!

    Now THAT’S a foreign policy that I can get behind! Particularly if one of the side benefits is a small tactical nuke that can take out, oh say a single office pod (cough, cough)…

  25. MorningGlory says:

    I’m back from my trip and trying to catch up on my blog-reading. Why does Google reader take me through them backwards? The most recent post first? It’s annoying. When you’re Queen of the World, will you make them fix that?

  26. Back in the day when I was pulling 24 hour combat alerts in an ICBM launch control center buried somewhere under central Arkansas (Yes, I was one of those guys waiting to “push the button”.) I had a T-shirt with a Death’s head wearing a beret and the motto “Kill all and let God sort them out!” It used to make my deputy crew commander nervous to see me kicked back with my feet up on the commander’s console late at night wearing that shirt and reading something inspirational like Catch 22.

    Guess I’d better get to work on that bunker in the backyard. But first, I haven’t cleaned my guns today.

  27. You will make one helluva World-Dominating Dictator. Goat-Style.

  28. SB Smith says:

    Is J. really a politician ?
    I hope he’s not that Weiner guy!
    By now I don’t have to tell you who THAT is, with WeinerGate going on and all.
    :-D

  29. Nicole says:

    I’m all on board with the Tuesday-Thursday plan.

    And girl, do I have pictures for you… There’s a fainting goat farm up here… :)

  30. Handflapper says:

    You have just described my proposed foreign policy plan. Can I be your vice president? Or vice dictator? Evil henchman? Goat lieutenant? Pleeeeeeeease???

  31. kim says:

    dear lord you really are my twin. that was always my favourite pastime with boyfriends, trying to make them uncomfortable… suprising they never lasted long

  32. Julia says:

    Can I be your right hand woman? Can we please take all the pedofiles and abusers of the world catipult them over the ocean and skeet shoot them??? PRETTY PLEASE??

  33. Meredith Burleigh says:

    Although there is so very much to love on this site, your conversations with J are among the Top Ten reasons to read, and laugh hysterically at, the always entertaining musings of Laura!! Love it!!

  34. Mrs. Tuna says:

    Yum Goat! Tastes like chicken right?

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