Everyone needs a fleet of flying monkeys to rip the stuffing out of the annoying people in their lives
— Laura
Someone asked me yesterday why I liked goats so much and I said because they’re awesome and they said “Were you around them much as a child?” Well, I remembered being around some at my cousin’s farm a few times, but then it occurred to me, goats saved my life once.
You may remember I told y’all about my mom dropping my brothers and me off at the Cincinnati Zoo when we were kids and once I was attacked by a swan on the zoo train. Well anyway, like I’ve said before, when I was a little kid you never heard about child abductions and stranger danger. Hell, one of my crazy-ass papaw’s favorite sayings was “You can’t leave a bunch of Irish kids in a hot car without returning and there’s two extra” or something like that. Crazy sonsabitch. Anyway, so my mom always bought summer passes for us at our favorite place, the zoo. She would strap watches to each of us, shove some money for food in our pockets and then drop us off as the zoo opened and then pick us up at a specific time in a designated spot, usually near the entrance. I’m pretty sure she relished this time away from us because most of the time she barely slowed down when she shoved us out of the car door screaming “And look after your sister!” over her shoulder as she sped out of the parking lot. Of course the first thing my brothers would do was ditch me because I cramped their style or something. I never squealed on them either because I knew any trouble would make our zoo adventures end.
To say I knew the Cincinnati Zoo like the back of my hand was an understatement. My favorite place to be was the Children’s Zoo area and, of course, the train. This particular day I headed for the children’s section clutching a bag of popcorn I bought to feed the ducks and chickens. As I was walking through the area I noticed a group of handlers were walking a mother elephant and her baby. They took them both in a pen, turned the momma around and walked her out, shutting the gate right behind her, locking the baby in. “Oh cool”, I thought, “the baby elephant will be in here today!” They walked the mother elephant out the side gate and then all Hell broke loose. The momma elephant was trumpeting, the baby elephant was trumpeting, and the handlers started screaming. There weren’t many people there because it was so early, but the ones who were there started running. I looked up and saw a huge momma elephant all pissed off charging toward me with four or five handlers with sticks at her sides. SWEET BABY JESUS! I threw my bag of popcorn, screamed and turned and ran. The handlers were yelling “GET OUT OF THE WAY!” Which meant most people veered off of the main path that lead to her baby, but not me. No sir. I ran directly in front of the elephant, toward her baby, screaming bloody murder and waving my arms the whole while. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! I swear to God I could feel that elephant’s breath in my hair when suddenly it happened. Off to my left I saw a pen with five or six new baby goats. GOATS! “They weren’t there yesterday” I thought, and I quickly swerved toward them, barely being missed by the stampeding elephant’s foot in the process. I rendered y’all a drawing:
I climbed the fence of the goat pen, and jumped. The momma elephant ran up to her baby’s pen and the handlers opened the gate and let her in. The mother elephant was back with her baby and I was surrounded by baby goats. All was right with the world until the handlers saw me and yelled “Hey kid! Get out of the goat pen! Now!” Doodieheads.
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87 Responses to I’m extending Goat Awareness Month because the 144 voodoo dolls I ordered haven’t arrived yet and my pins are backordered.
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I think it’s cool you know your way around Cincinnati zoo, it’s in a fantasy novel I’m reading a-lot and it’s nice to hear it actually exists lol.
Wow on the elephant! What did the keeps think they were doing…hadn’t they ever seen dumbo *directors cut* where the momma elephant keels all the people? Just me? Figures.
Ha! The Cincinnati Zoo was the bestest place in the world! And I want to read your Dumbo book version.
FACT! baby goats and angels look out for drunks and crazy ass irish kids
FACT! George Clooney once kissed a baby goat and crapped nickels for a week (The Goat not George)
FACT! drinking a Jack Daniels and Benedryl cocktail before bedtime is NOT a substitute for Crazy Assed Irish blog love.
HAHAHA! All your FACTS are correct! Ha!
Okay, that made my morning.
I’m glad.
WOW! what adventures you had! How old were you? and I really want that rendering.. You draw the best Elephants.
I am not certain how old I was. My mom would drop us off at the zoo for several years. And being attacked by animals was the worse things that ever happened too. This day and age, I doubt that would be the case.
I absolutely love your childhood stories (and the renderings). They make my day!! You should write a childrens book about animal safety!!
PS I know you and birds don’t always get along but I saw baby buzzards this weekend. They weren’t nearly as ugly as I thought they’d be
I love birds! I have a parrot. That’s the thing- I ADORE animals, yet get attacked, chased, mauled, and pistol whipped by them. Go figure.
Maybe they like you too! Maybe they just want to be close to you!
Yeah, so close they want to see my innards. Ha!
OMG, that Elephant is so cool….I love your stories.You had quite a childhood… I grew up in Chicago and we had Brookfield Zoo. It was pretty great.I remember it well but I probably went there maybe 6 times in 30 years. You made me want to go to the Zoo. So guess what I’m doing this weekend! Thanks
Dude, you lived near a big zoo like that and only went 6 times? That’s a damn shame. We had summer passes every summer.
Yes Delhi is short for New Delhi, Delhi is what they call me, so you gather I know about elephants but I gotta tell ya that is the best drawing of an Elephant I have ever seen. You are good, in many ways. Like U!
Well, thanks. Ha!
OH MY GOD! I love your stories and I LOVE that rendering! lol
Thanks!
You had the most fun/adventurous childhood! Thank you for my morning laugh!
That’s only because we weren’t allowed to stay in the house in front of a tv all day. And you’re welcome.
I miss being taken places, given money, and left to my own devices. It’s just not the same when Chuckweasel does it.
He’s not leaving you at the right places then. The best is a male strip club.
Been to those, had the lap dance, saw nothing that turned me on!
I know, right? Just creepy…I mean, that’s what I heard anyway…
I took my nephew and his sister to the Knoxville Zoo when they were about 5 and 7 years of age. We’re in the Children’s Petting Pen when a goat butted Robby…knocked his ass over, it did. Damn funny it was. I was laughing my ass off, so he thought it was funny too. Didn’t cry or anything. He got up and gave chase. That was hilarious. A five year old squared off with a goat. He’s a grown young man now, and I always tell that story to his girlfriends…”did I ever tell you about Robby and the goat?” I always make him out to be a superhero so maybe he’ll get lucky. Us boys stick together.
Y’all sure do. And that’s the best thing to do, just laugh at kids as they get their asses knocked over by a goat. Gets them prepared for life.
Yabu, I given up trying to comment on your blog. It keeps eating my comments or the page disappears. Good stories!
Weird, I’ve had no problem with Yabu’s. I have however had a hell of a time commenting on Blogger blogs.
Don’t give up, I receive an email every time someone leaves a comment. I’m not getting one from you. I don’t moderate ‘em if you’ve commented before, and I’ve approved ‘em once. I don’t know…maybe try some different parameters. Send me a regular email, and see if I get it…place to start. Just curious, what browser do you use?
I appreciate your comments.
Chased by elephants and saved by goats. And then the zookeepers made you get out of the goat pen.
Hmmm…you might have the story backward. Those goats could have gone carnivorous, and the elephant knew that, and was trying to chase you away from the bearded beasts’ pen, but then you ran right in and jumped in and then the zookeepers needed to save ya.
The elephant was probably muttering to itself “silly little girl.”
Noooo! Goats are heroes! I’m pretty certain the goats saved me and the elephant was thinking “I keel you little girl, get out of my way!”
NOOOooo!! BLASPHEMER!!
Sure, goats are heroes. But even heroes can turn bad, once in a great while.
There are bad apples in every bunch.
Anyway, they probably weren’t even real goats. They were most likely shapechanging goatsuckers disguised as goats, waiting to chow down on some unsuspecting little kid who just wanted to pet the cute goats. And they almost got ya. Kudos to the zookeepers for rescuing you. And kudos to the valiant elephant who tried to rescue you, only to be defamed as a killer pachyderm.
HA! I do believe you’re trying to re-write history!
The story of my life only mine looks more like “AHHHHHHHH…Oh look a cheesy” Its Called ADD (I left the H out on purpose because sitting on the couch doesn’t conjur images of the H does it?) …
Anywho Goats are greeat! One once came for a ride with us in the bottom of my sons stroller.
We ate it for dinner! No ride is free mothafkr!
I love that your parents let you wander the zoo all by yourself! I was only at the Cincinnati Zoo a couple of thimes, and I love how they’ve restored some of the old structures.
On another note, I also love goats. I grew up in a perfectly cromulent suburb, but somehow the people down the street raised several goats in their back yard. Don’t ask me how this was legal. Anyhow, you had to drive really slowly through the neighborhood because sometimes the goats would hang out in the street, and they wouldn’t move for hell or high water. Goats are fearless like that.
Goats are fearless. I wished we had goats next door while I was growing up. When we moved to the farm when I was in high school, it was a beef cattle area and sadly, almost no one had goats.
Sure they did. They just had ‘em with a side of mashed potatoes and some green beans.
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Lalalalala I can’t hear you.
Dude, your renderings are fucking awesome! It’s like we’re there!
HA! Thanks!
wow, what assholes! They shoulda told you to stay as long as you like and pick a goat to take home with you for not getting killed.
YEAH! Damn doodieheads.
Do you still run towards the danger? It explains a lot.
Ha!
Always. It’s why I joined the military.
That’s cool that you could go to the zoo – I would’ve loved that as a kid! My grandfather used to take all of the kids to go see the pigs on Sunday mornings at the “farm.” I never knew that those cute pigs would end up being bacon. I know…yum…
To this day, I love the zoo. Even though I was almost murdered there several times. Mmmm…bacon.
that. is. awesome. it was like Jesus put the goats there, knowing you’d be saved because you have important things to do in this world. like voo doo and blogging and spider decorating and shit.
And the swan attack story totally cracks my ass up.
I hope there’s a plan for me… I think mostly it involves eating bacon though.
You’re an unconscious attention whore even in the middle of danger! I’m amazed…
In the famous words of Lady Gaga, “Baby, I was born this way.”
This one is almost as good as the swan story! I just introduced my daughter this past weekend to real farm animals. And she loved the baby goats. But not the big scary donkey….
That’s because in the swan attack, I stayed and fought the good fight. Here I ran like hell. Oooooh I like those wee little pygmy donkeys. But yeah, donkeys can be assholes.
I love how your hair is the same shade of red as your shirt. Your gingervitus must have been in full force when you were a kid.
Dude- you were in my spam bucket! I fished you out and hosed you off and wanted to say that you must be as color-blind as J because my hair is red and my dress is magenta.
my friend and I were at the Wild Animal Park in San Diego recently and unfortunately the lion exhibit was closed (big disappointement) basically they were saying on the tour that their dimensions and moat for the lion exhibit were deemed to be not safe and had to get more distance away from the people. ummmmmm I wonder how they found that out? Love animals…love crazy animal stories.
Ooo if I knew about that unsafe lion moat thingie I would have taken some co-workers there and put Slim Jims in their pockets. For reals.
LOL it was really cool…almost like you could reach out and touch them. (now starts dancing to depeche mode)
Now we will just be farther away from the fluffy kitties! No fair
I saw a “petting area” and got all excited and took the little one in fully expecting to see goats…(it’s a wild animal park.I shoulda known better) nope it was all sorts of deer. My daughter had a WTF look in her picture…like that is NOT what I thought was here.
A petting zoo without goats? That’s just crazy talk.
I wonder if your parents would have done things a little differently if they knew how many close calls you went thru?
Nah….
Nah.
I’m so glad Goat Awareness has been extended, the pictures of goats make my day. I never knew how cute goats could be.
I should have put up a goat pic!
You have to hold one in your arms to fully appreciate how dainty and cuddly they are.. They are better than Dogs.. and I love my dogs… But when they go to Doggie heaven.. it’s Goats Baby! I cant wait..oooooo. that didn’t come out right!
Aren’t they the most sweetest creatures ever? And so gentle. And smart as hell.
I feel about llamas and owls the way you feel about goats.
I may start Owl Week over at Sithy Things
YOU SHOULD!!
Doodieheads hate baby goats. FACT. Maybe you should get an extra case of voodoo dolls just in case any of them are still alive and in need of a few extra aches and pains.
YEAH! Voodoo their asses!
How do you do your renderings? In paint? I tried to do my masthead with paint and it looks like a retarded hippo drew it compared with your renderings.
That elephant was trying to keel you!
How old were you at the time?
No wonder you ended up in the military!!
Very Brave Little Girl
Narrowly Escapes Murderous Pachyderm!!
News at eleven
that is all
I draw them by hand on a sketch pad, fill in with Sharpies, take a photo, and then edit jpg in Photoshop for text and/or finishing touches. Probably not the easiest, but I prefer semi-old school.
I don’t know how old I was – maybe first or second grade? I seriously just know I was a little kid.
It’s a wonder you survived to be twelve, much less 29.
HA! I know, right?!
anyone who doesn’t understand the love of goats doesn’t deserve my time. serious doodiheads
I know!! Goats are awesome. Seriously, they really are. Also- I have been unable to comment on your blog. I just thought you should know, because if I didn’t tell you- that would make me a doodiehead.
Goats are motherfucking heroes, don’t ever let anyone tell you different. This has kept me from killing myself many a sad day:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TtywpnFuRBA
HAHA! I have the Goats in Trees calendar! I sure do.
I love that story! You should watch out for elephants in the future though. Seriously.
I do! I learned my lesson.
Now I understand the sacred and mystical bond you have with goats in general. Goats saving a kid from a stompin’ would seem to be a pivotal experience, and for good reason. I’m sure glad there were some awesome goats there for you in your dire time of need.
Goats are like guardian angels or assassins or something.
You need to impress the fact of this spiritual bond on Nazi McNazihead. After all, were it not for those goats, you wouldn’t be here for him to abuse.
You’re right! And I LOVE that name you made for him! HA!
You? Are the Patron Saint of Goats. Just like I am the Patron saint of Turtles. Long story – might hafta blog about it some day..
I LOVE turtles! You must do a Turtle Awareness Month! People NEED to be aware of turtles!
I grew up going to the Bronx Zoo and/or the Philly Zoo; both good examples. The NC Zoo is pretty awesome, too. I thought I wanted to go the San Antonio zoo last week, but the temperature situation (100+ every day I was there)convinced me that was a bad idea. Maybe I’ll go back in the fall. Yeah, that’s it!
Love your renderings, and everyone is right – your elephants are awesome!
You must go to every zoo in every city you go to. But yeah, 100 degrees is insane and most of the animals are in hiding cooling off. I know because it’s 100 degrees here now.