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I would slap a white harness on Jack and use him as my seeing-eye dog, but I’m pretty certain he’d head straight for the freeway, then a cat’s ass. | Fetch My Flying Monkeys
Everyone needs a fleet of flying monkeys to rip the stuffing out of the annoying people in their lives
— Laura

Last week after being attacked in my attic by that rogue squirrel, my left eye started itching. I didn’t think anything of it but then by the end of the week my right eye started itching and they were driving me crazy scratching them. Great. The squirrel probably gave me eye rabies. Finally I couldn’t take it anymore and I called my optometrist to see if he could work me in. He could. He took me right back in an exam room after I arrived and looked at my eyes in that light contraption and then stained them with a few drops of yellow stuff. Then he looked at them again with his light device and said I had scratched corneas. I asked if I could have gotten that from being pistol whipped by a rabid squirrel and he just kind of widened his eyes at me and pretty much ignored what I said. Yes, he knows me. He asked if I had been taking allergy medicine and I said I had been taking Benadryl for my ear, where, by the way, I’m still not convinced a roach hasn’t set up housekeeping. He said that my eyes had probably dried out from the Benadryl and all the air-conditioning and fans blowing didn’t help. Then he said it. Oh yes he did. He said “As you get older you stop producing as much tears.” What. The. Fuck.  I spun around to give him the Evil Eye, but I was dabbing leaking yellow crap from my eyes with a tissue so all I could manage was to pout my face and give him an evil drippy squint. He nervously said “Uh, well, at least it’s not from being pistol whipped by a squirrel. Right?” Uh. No.

So as Goat Awareness Month winds down I’m now starting Voodoo Curse Month where everyone who pisses me off gets voodooed. I have to go back for a follow-up and eye exam. I’m sure he’ll say my vision has worsened since I’m getting older. He’ll get doubled voodooed. Sonsabitch.

Never forget the awesomeness of goats. Or you'll be voodooed.

99 Comments
 

99 Responses to I would slap a white harness on Jack and use him as my seeing-eye dog, but I’m pretty certain he’d head straight for the freeway, then a cat’s ass.

  1. Holly says:

    So harsh! AS if you can cry less when you get old…I’m sure you can make yourself cry to preserve your corneas.

  2. Heather says:

    OH GOD, I hate it when doctors use that phrase “when you get older.” Fuck them! Voodoo the sonsabitches!

  3. Jennifer says:

    LOL! YES! VOODOO all the motherfuckers!! (I love that goat.)

  4. Joe the Blog Stalker says:

    Eye doctors are cruel.

  5. Tink says:

    I know.. right? you stick your head up in an attic, exposing your eyes to flying insulation and a rogue squirrel, and all of a sudden your “Getting Older” They just say that shit cuz they dont know what else to say. Voodoo his ass….

  6. Holiday says:

    Poor Jack, he is always getting the shit end of the stick.

  7. One Crazed Chick says:

    I just knew it was going to be eye rabies from that danged pistol packing squirrel!! That phrase “as you get older” should be removed from every doctors vocabulary. And if you’re gonna voodoo some people, may I suggest a few?

  8. Princess says:

    You should really save your strength since you are getting older.. no voodoo for you old lady… It’s to damn hot out side…… relax.. you need to save your strength for crazy Betty. she will be out in her yard more now…. EEEKKKKKKK~

  9. You may be getting older, but it doesn’t look like he’ll get the same opportunity! Mwuahahahha!

  10. hoodyhoo says:

    I feel your pain, being a survivor of a scratched cornea myself (I scratched mine on the way-too-crisp sheets on a cruise ship, then spent the rest of the trip wearing sunglasses all the time like I was Corey Feldman). And your doctor is an ass!

  11. Princess says:

    And by-the-way.. Kill it with fire was really creepy… I got chills and ewwww! Do U know where that was? I hope it was over seas somewhere….

  12. Yabu says:

    Getting older and wearing glasses is all fucked up, at least it is for me. I wants me some Borg implants. Take Jack with you for your follow-up, and get him to give the optometrist, “the look”.

  13. Curtal Friar says:

    Hmmmm….so the question is, are you older or younger than I am? I just turned 44 last week. If you’re older than me, well, I guess that’s just one more thing to look forward to, drying up eyes.

    If you’re younger than me, I count myself blessed, cause my eyes are doing fine thus far. I do have some other growing older stories I could tell ya, as to what you might have to look forward to in the coming years.

  14. I’m pretty sure there’s a conspiracy, where all health care professionals are required to say the phrase “as you get older” a specific number of times a day. If they don’t meet their quota, they get kicked out of the cool club or something.

  15. Elizabeth says:

    If it makes you feel any better, I’m just 26 and I’m going through the same thing with my eyes. My left eye is super dry and I’m only producing about 20% of my tears altogether. And of course, 2 weeks after I see my doctor I start developing symptoms that CLEARLY sound like glaucoma. Now I’m freaking myself out. What is this phenomenon — developing symptoms right AFTER having seen your doctor? I mean, I develop symptoms all the time, it’s one of my hobbies, but this is just annoying. And expensive.

    • Laura says:

      I think the doctors plant things in us as we’re there. Yeah. For more money. Yeah. Sonsabitches.

      And I am barely older than you. SHUT UP PEOPLE!

  16. Steph says:

    dry eyes, dry scalp, dry, chapped lips, dry vajayjay….
    what is up w/ things drying up?
    is climate change SO bad we’re all experiencing desertification?
    UGH

  17. jon spencer says:

    Are your arms getting shorter?
    The wearing of bi-focals made my arms long enough to read books again.

  18. That goat looks like it could actually perform voodoo. I want one. If I had a voodoo goat, he could curse people for me, while I washed my dishes or something. See? Voodoo goats are great for multi-taskers like me.

  19. patti says:

    put blogger on your voodoo list pleasey.

    Wait until some smart ass young cashier asks you if you qualify for the senior discount…

  20. laughingmom says:

    I think eye doctors use voodoo. Think about it…you go there and the first thing they do is put drops in your eyes that make you blind. They don’t even need the doll and pins!

  21. Erik says:

    “As you get older you stop producing as much tears.” OK, picturing the scene, that line made me laugh as I imagined the look on your face. Thanks for brightening my day.

    While it may be true that as we age our eyes produce fewer tears, it seems that one of life’s little ironies is that Life itself produce more tears in later life – like watching “The Tourist”. Good god…what a crappy movie.

    • Laura says:

      I cry everytime I watch a M. Night Shammalalaboombang movie. I always end up wanting the two hours back of my life. I could be two hours younger dammit!

  22. Jena says:

    I was at mine last week and he was hinting I am at “that age” to start considering bifocals. Ha ha! I am 40! The last 2 years he hinted reading glasses…

  23. Jena says:

    I once had a freak accident while wearing gas permeable lenses. The left lens got broke in my eye and shattered the center part out, think donut. Talk about pain. Seriously, PAIN. I had a couple small scars but they have faded away now. It was the tab from a draw string hood that tapped it. I heard the *tap* right before blinding pain. Till this day I still am not sure how I managed to pull my eye to pop the rest of it out.

  24. Oooh,oooh! As long as you’re voodooing people can I submit a few names for voodoofication? My wife absolutely refuses to let me give that jerk across the street a hunting accident and my mower doesn’t have enough power to fling Buddy’s “land mines” far enough to hit his front porch. Then there’s that snotty kid at Food Lion who won’t stop calling me sir, my idiot brother’s idiot girlfriend, my ex-wife………

  25. Jenny says:

    You’re freakin’ hilarious! Sorry about your eye situation…….and I’m not really sure about your goat fettish…but you flippin’ make me laugh my ass off!

  26. zonker says:

    (Great, so I have to be the asshole? Buncha fucking pussies. Fine.)

    Laura, no one wanted to tell you but sometimes you’ve been posting pictures of long-eared cats and calling them goats. We figured you were just going mad from the rabies and shit but I suppose it could be your aging eyes, too. Also, you might want to check with J to make sure you haven’t been stabbing the occasional end cushion as part of your voodooing.

  27. Julia says:

    Its kinda like going to the doctor because your left middle finger hurts and he tells you its because your too fat and need to loose weight! … *chirp chirp chirp* no? never happened to you?

    Well if you need Voodoo help call on me, I’ll be there in a hurry, no need to worry!

  28. AmyLynn says:

    Don’t forget about sighing scooter man….I had a nightmare about him.

    I want a dishwashing, voodoo doing, goat who is also a massuses….what?

    Too much?

    sigh

  29. Glad to see you going ahead with the Voodoo. It’s a two-fer, they use goats in Voodoo all the time…and chickens.
    So, while you’re up, I’ll have mine pan-fried in bacon grease.
    If you can find a Voodoo use for corn bread, I’ll have some of that too.

  30. CGHill says:

    All I can tell you is this: my young and vibrant (well, she is) eye doctor better not give me any bad news next time around. (Unfortunately, I don’t have the mad voodoo skillz of our hostess, so I’ll have to plan something else.)

  31. I would have said: “Yeah. You know what else I have less of as I age? TOLERANCE FOR IDIOTS. And, coincidentally, I have a lot more VENGENCE.”

  32. Timothy J McCorkle says:

    voodoo them All! I didn’t Join their club! they just sent me the Card, and a spare ( Coz Us Old Farts Can’t Keep track o our stuff with Al zymers and shit..)

  33. kim says:

    GASP! You didn’t Immediately assume your eye had rabies??! That is uncharacteristic, I think you may have brain rabies too… I’m worried for you :-|

  34. Big Poppa Squat says:

    Doctors can say worse things than “As you get older.”A famous actress friend of a friend went to a plastic surgeon and complained about the little wrinkles above her lip. “It’s not fair” she told him “I never even smoked”
    The doctor’s response was that excessive indulgence in oral sex could create the same wrinkles. At least your optometrist has slightly better manners.

  35. May says:

    Well, although we all hate “Getting Older” it is much better than the alternative.. Thank You… and No Thank You!

    That Goat is just precious…..

  36. Nicole says:

    That is one cute goat!

  37. Laura says:

    My Doc told me I was “Getting Up There”…….What the fuck does that mean?

  38. Jeffro says:

    So what if you’ve celebrated your twenty ninth birthday a few times – you may have to escalate from voodoo to a good, solid bitch slap of that doctor! Rattle his teeth and see how smart he gets!

  39. Dannie says:

    what’s with the age stuff. That’s like when the ambulance took me to the hospital saturday because I had passed out, conked my head, and lost consciousness….the hospital Dr. comes in to do all the lovely “head” orders (CAT scan etc.) and goes….”aren’t you a bit young to be passing out like that?” dude it happens to the best of us….I’m not granny and I’m me…get over it. (maybe that was the goose egg and headache talking)

    then I start getting texts from friends saying that now that I’m older shit like this happens….um what?

  40. Larry says:

    When I went to the eye doctor she told me that I had the same birth date as her hubby (yay!) and the same birth year as her mother (wtf???).

    crap. That didn’t make me feel old at all.

    And LOL to the BJ wrinkles, I’ll bet she appreciated the hell out of that.

  41. iampisspot says:

    That goat would look cool with a pipe hanging from its mouth. For comedy photographic purposes only. Not because goats like tobacco. Or maybe they do? Goat awareness month clearly needs to continue, Laura.

  42. Mrs. Who says:

    Eye rabies don’t got nuthin’ on tick syphilis.

  43. Cheryl says:

    I damn near died from laughing so hard!!

  44. Lauren says:

    “all I could manage was to pout my face and give him an evil drippy squint”
    that was great! I laughed a good three seconds or more at that really good imagery!

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