Now that The Rapture is over let’s get back to more important things, like Goat Awareness Month.
So my posse and I went to the goat farm on Saturday and played with the goats for hours until it got so fucking hot I thought I’d die. Seriously, I can’t believe I’ll be going through another South Carolina summer, or what I call “Perpetual Sweat Season.” At 5:50, ten minutes before The Rapture, we went to go eat and pulled into the parking lot of the restaurant. We saw there were people waiting with those little beeper things so we sat in the car and waited until 6:00, figuring the good Christians would be taken soon and we’d get seated. At 6:00 I got a text from J saying “I feel all floaty! WEEEEeeee!” I texted back “NOOOooo Jesus let him go! He’s a Nazi!” I mean, who’d be the tech support for my blog if he went and got his ass raptured? Well, Jesus listened because I got a “Gee, thanks” text back. Disaster averted. Then I noticed only sinners eat at Applebee’s because we did not get seated right away. The rest of the evening I got texts from all my friends stating they were still earth-bound. I mean, I must have had a couple dozen texts. This Rapture has taught me two things; all of my friends are sinning sonsabitches and I really need to get unlimited texting added to my phone plan.64 Comments
64 Responses to Now that The Rapture is over let’s get back to more important things, like Goat Awareness Month.
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YAY more goats! All my friends stayed here too. I guess all I know is a bunch of sinners too. lol
Sinners are more fun anyway.
I too was passed over, so I must be in the sinner club.
Did you eat at Applebee’s?
Don’t do fern bars…way too much class for me.
Ha! No way.
I knew you’d still be here. Chuckweasel and I spent Saturday morning doing a charity DJ gig at the MS Walk, and I had to have a talk with Jesus about how I didn’t want that to tip me over into the “To-Be-Raptured” category. But the people at the next booth were big ol’ Baptists and I said motherfucker a lot, so I think I evened things out.
HA! Yes, repeatedly saying “motherfucker” around church folk would pretty much keep you here.
Thank God I wasn’t Raptured before becoming fully aware of goats.
Im really glad you and The Crazed Chick, are still here. I was worried. So where we going next month? HA!
That museum none of us have been to.
I got three feet off the ground and then was gently put back….hmmmmmm!
You mean “thrown to the pavement” don’t you? Ha!
or shook like a shaken baby and dropped?
I knew you were going to stay here but I was not sure about myself….But apparently I was wrong… again…Damn I hate when that happens….
Better luck next time I reckon.
HOoHoo… you’re still here… WaHoo…I am happy… More Goats…..
I would like to personally thank “J” for all the hard work he did to make our lives better. I can read the screen without using my glasses.. I feel young again.. Thanks “J”… your a good man!
He really is.
A good man for a feedom hating Nazi you mean.
I knew I wasn’t going anywhere, I play on facebook during church and send text messages about pretty pink pens (shows how much I’m listening to the sermon!!)
Well, at least my name has been cleared in the “stolen” pen saga.
What makes you think I dont think you were both in on it? huh? Yeah.. I know!
I should have stolen it. Ha!
LOL @ J’s response! What did he expect?! ha!
I know, right?!
LOVE the new digs! And I’m glad Jesus left you behind to blog for us!
Umm, thanks? Ha!
Yeah…I’d like to know what all the rapture freaks are doing and saying this morning. You know, when they go back to work this morning, and their co-workers spot them and want to know why their asses didn’t get raptured on Saturday like they said they would. I’d like to be a fly on the wall for that.
Oh, they probably have some crazy reply ready like “Jesus left me here to convert the sinners.” So, run when you see them.
They should make like, I don’t know, a special flyswatter or something, so when mormons or jehovah’s witnesses or rapture freaks try to come convert you, you can smack them in the forehead with the flyswatter, repeating as often as necessary until they cease and desist.
Or respond like the old lady did with the mormon missionaries in the movie Orgazmo.
A “Religious-Nut-B-Gone” swatter.
It’s really fancy over here. Do I need to make a reservation to comment?
I waited in the parking lot of my apartment complex to watch and see who got raptured so I could “borrow” their stuff and feed their abandoned animals.
All I saw was a freakin tornado!!
that is all
Damn. Was anybody sucked up in the tornado? That coulda been Jesus’ vacuum cleaner.
No one that I saw–
Jesus Vacuum Cleaner—you kill me
giggle – good one
I need more goats!!
yeah well….I guess that means that all of the earth is doomed since it appears that no one got raptured. Damn…we all suck
On a brighter note…I get summer off
I would KILL for the summer off. I mean it. Kill.
RAPTURE??? Hell, people!! I bagged a raptor on my front lawn on Saturday!! Stupid people and their misspellings…
A rooster came at me Saturday acting all cocky and mean. I swiftly left his area.
Laura, that was not a rooster.. it was a Turkey….
No, the rooster at the Rembert farm came at me as I was taking a picture. Not the turkey at the goat farm. I have photographic proof!
Here’s a little post rapture poem for everyone (a very crappy one but try to enjoy anyway!!):
Laura was not taken to Heaven.
Neither was her Monkey Junky brethren.
I was ready to party with you.
Gin, tequila, and goodies for the crew.
Can we call it a “win”
since we obviously all sin?
I will confess!
With a little voodoo and some swearing thrown in for good measure.
This special group is filled with pleasure!
HA! Fantastic! We need to do more drinking and cussing around here, and of course voodoo.
Well, at least I’m in semi-good company here. Better than the damn bunch of motherfucking losers I have to deal with at this end of the keyboard. I’m going to rapture some asses all right, but they won’t be going to heaven, I can guarantee that.
Damn, it sounds like we work at the same place.
I guess all those jobs weren’t available today after all!!
I spent eight and a half summers in South Carolina, and believe me, “Perpetual Sweat Season” is dead accurate. Fact.
It’s just insane. Every spring I dread it so much.
I’d rather laugh with the sinners
Than cry with the saints
Cause sinners are much more fun,
And only the good die young!
I sang that as I read it.
As will everyone else…the Monkeysphere will ring with song! or something like that…
LOL, I just want to know where that old dude who was in charge of the Family Radio thing-a-ma-bob is today… he was so freaking old, maybe Jesus decided to take pity and Rapture his ass, just to get him off the air!
Seriously, though, I told the women at work today that OBVIOUSLY, I wasn’t Raptured. Jesus don’t want me, cause I belong to his SISTER.
And she likes to keep her peeps firmly on Good Ole’ Mother Earth, where we can take care of her GOATS.
Yes! Someone has to look after the goats.
I expected to come home from work to find my wife’s clothes lying in a tidy heap on the floor, with the cats sitting nearby with WTF looks on their faces. Well, guess she’s as big a sinner as I am. So we’re truly meant for each other. Love is awesome.
Yes it is.
The highs are already in the mid 90s here in Memphis. When August comes, I’ll be ready to move to fucking Antartica. I hate SUMMER!
I’ll go with you, girl. Swamp weather here.