Everyone needs a fleet of flying monkeys to rip the stuffing out of the annoying people in their lives
— Laura
I had my yearly cardiology appointment the other day. I see a cardiologist because, as I said before, I technically “died” during, and after, a non-cardiac surgery and they had to jump-start my heart a few times. I love telling people I died before, but I don’t like giving details. Most people will say “What did you see?” and I’ll say “Death.” And they’ll be all “Did you see a light? Did you see people?” and I’ll say something like “I saw your grandma and she said to tell you that you’re a bitter disappointment.” They generally stop asking after that.
The reason I don’t talk about it much can probably be traced back to when I was in high school. There was a guy I went to school with who was in a horrific car accident our sophomore year. Word had it he died a few times in the ambulance and was brought back with the defibrillator. He was out of school for months and didn’t come back until the following year. Before the accident he was a pretty popular dude. He played football and all the girls wanted to date him. After the accident he walked around with a Bible and tried to convert everyone who came within 15 feet of him. He said Jesus had told him to. And that was cool. Whatever. But he was ANNOYING AS FUCK FOR THE NEXT TWO YEARS.
Anyway, what I experienced was way beyond anything I can do justice describing. If you can imagine what pure joy is, magnify that times a zillion and then multiply it a zillion more times. It was like that. And all the anger, and pettiness, and jealousy, and all the bad stuff that worries us JUST DOESN’T MATTER. Not one iota. I don’t know if it was just neurons firing off in my brain causing hallucinations or if it was “the afterlife/Heaven” and I won’t debate it either. But I knew the answer then, because with the pure joy came complete knowledge. I lost both within mere minutes after I woke in ICU with the code blue team and a priest surrounding me. And even though I closed my eyes tight and tried to hold on to that knowledge, it vaporized. Except for one thing, Jesus told me to tell y’all to stop masturbating so much.
P.S. Okay. Jesus didn’t really tell me to tell y’all to stop masturbating so much. What he told me was that he liked me best.
P.P.S. This doesn’t mean y’all should start diddling all over the place now. For crap’s sake, have some decorum.
P.P.P.S. Okay. Okay. Jesus didn’t say he liked me best. He said I was second, behind Gandhi.
P.P.P.P.S. Alright. Alright. I didn’t see Jesus. I saw my crazy-ass Papaw and his coon dog named Gandhi. And he did like Gandhi better than me. And he didn’t mention anything about y’all masturbating because that would have been creepy as hell.
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Wow!
Laura, this is so awesome in so many ways.
*** Thanks. ~Laura
Damn. I slept through my “brush with death.” I’m jealous. You have all the fun.
(Aaand, great post once again. Have I ever said how much you bring the funny? It’s twoooo, it’s twoooo!)
*** Ha! Thank you. Life would be mighty boring without the funny. ~Laura
LOL. If those bitches you work with see this, they’ll quit bitching about that spider!
*** Yeah, riiiiight. Ha! ~laura
Thank you for that. I have such a hard time with the whole idea of death and what comes next and it scares the shit out of me so what you’ve just shared is awesome.
Oh, and I’m glad you lived.
And I’m also glad the stop masturbating thing was just a joke.
*** Seriously, what comes next is so fucking awesome. Geting there can be rough is all. And I know a lot of people will be relieved that the whole stop masturbating thing was a joke. Ha! ~Laura
Jeez, Laura….I don’t think the complete knowledge faded…I’m just sayin’…
*** Just a slight memory of having it remains. I don’t think we’re allowed to have it here or life takes it away from us. If that makes any sense. ~Laura
I have a concern: Does this mean, as you have technically been dead… that you are a ZOMBIE? If so, the rest of us are soooooo fucked.
*** I wondered that myself! But I have no inclination towards eating brains unless, of course, that’s what Vienna Sausages are made of ’cause I like them a lot. ~Laura
This is the best recollection of this kind of experience ever. Thank you for writing it.
*** You’re welcome. ~Laura
I would try to say something clever, but I won’t. I have a really good lifelong friend who died during surgery last year. They jump-started him, and he is fine. I asked him what that was like, and he just said there are no words to describe it. Then he said “peace”. I can tell you one thing for certain, he does not fear death. He is the only person I know who has been brought back from the other side.
I’m doing the “hand sign” and saying “may you live long and prosper”. Seriously.
*** There is absolutely nothing to fear except the journey there. Thank you. ~Laura
Woo. I, for one, am so gald that whole masturbating thing was a joke. And this is an amazing entry, Laura.
*** I just knew you’d be relieved. Ha! And thank you. ~Laura
I’ve never had an experience like this, but my dad was instrumental in teaching me not to fear death. I was lamenting the death of a pet, and made the comment that I was afraid to die. He looked at me like I had two heads and said, “You started to die the minute you were born.”
Put it all in perspective for me
*** It’s all about prospective. ~Laura
Wow that is so interesting
IF you notice us poking you with sticks it’s because we’re doing science with you…not the *cough* other thing…
*** Go ahead and poke with your science stick, but please not the “other thing.” Ha! ~ Laura
You started my day off realll good. I’m not kidding.
And, glad your checkup was lovely.
*** I’m glad. On both counts. ~Laura
Laura writes: “There is absolutely nothing to fear except the journey there.”
Yeah, I hear that. I’m not afraid of death at all, but there’s a lot of possible ways to die that give me the heebie-jeebies.
Hmmm…that could be a possible post one of these times: The worst ways to die. Hmm…
*** Too many to list really, unless of course it’s all done with humor. ~Laura
You are a genius. I love your writing.
And I do NOT diddle all over the place. Just in private. With the lights out and the doors locked. And my eyes closed. Like God wants it.
*** Thank you and HAHAHA! “Like God wants it.” That made lol at my desk. ~Laura
That explains everything! You need to enJoy your anger while you still can!
*** That’s what causes all those dead hookers. ~Laura
I once died in a dream and wept when I woke up. I felt utter contentment and peace. I knew I was dead, but it was so soothing. it was a indescribable darkness that had color and did I mention I was CONTENT? I have no fear of death, just how I get there. HA!
In the dream I was being hunted/chased, I morphed into a horse (never before or since did that in a dream)I jumped a fence into a river and drowned.
*** Damn. I skipped the whole horse thing, but that would have been cool- I mean- until I hit that river. . Ha! ~Laura
I love that you put this out there with so much humor. This is why I love your blog.
*** EVERYTHING is better with humor. ~Laura
Whatever “non-cardiac surgery” you had that killed you, I don’t want any part of it. It was probably due to a new anethesiologist – am I right?
Very cool of you to share this. Thanks.
*** You’re welcome. ~Laura
Wow that’s amazing, pure joy and knowledge, I can only imagine!
*** Whatever you imagine, it’s even better. ~Laura
This is why I love your blog. A very serious subject that made me seriously laugh until until my side hurt! Thank you!
*** You’re welcome. ~Laura
About the masturbation thing. . . are you sayin’ Jesus is Catholic?
*** HAHA! ~Laura
Thanks for sharing. This was a really cool post and a great start to my day. I can tell you, like me, love life because you always see the bright side (or humor) in everything. And a big THANK YOU for not being a cruel sonsofabitch and coming clean on the masturbation issue.
*** HAHAHA! Don’t think I didn’t think about leaving that whole “thy shall not masturbate so much” out there as is. HA! ~ Laura
Actually, I thought Jesus was Jewish, though I’ve often been puzzled by why he has a Mexican name.
*** I know! I’ve been meaning to ask my neighbor Jesus about that too. ~Laura
*bows low*
This may sound kind of weird, but….. May you not feel that kind of perfect peace for many MANY years to come.
Cause I’d miss you.
*** Aww that’s so sweet, thank you. ~Laura
Yeah I agree, this post makes me feel a little better about the whole visit with the grim reaper thing.
I dread (more than a slow painful death)the loss of one of the people I love.
Maybe if I masterbate more this won’t happen?
what?
Should I avoid talking dirty in Spanish since Jesus is apparently hispanic?
I am so confused.
Enlighten me oh wise one
that is all
*** I could ask my neighbor Jesus, but chances are he’d be all for you masturbating in Spanish and probably request you video it and then before you know it you’re on a DVD called “Gringo’s Gone Wild” being sold for $19.99 plus shipping. ~Laura
Are you trying to tell us that we get carte blanche to be as mean and petty as we want now? Cause then I got me some work to do!
*** Oh, I’m not telling y’all anything of the sort. What I’m saying is all that stupid petty shit that bothers you is the small stuff that doesn’t matter. Don’t get bogged down by the nasty bitches in other words. ~Laura
Hahaha!!!! That wasnt annoying at all. Thank you!!!
*** You’re welcome. ~Laura
I know how sensitive these experiences are… I think a lot of us have had similar or “Like” experiences. But don’t often speak of them for fear of others thinking we are nut’s. So thank you for putting my mind at ease. Just knowing these things do happen and they do mean something, is very comforting. And to know there are others…… Now bout that masturbating thing. That was just wrong.
*** But it got your attention. Ha! ~Laura
Cool story. Thank Jesus or Papaw for that.
I’ll stop masturbating when they pry my cold, dead fingers … oh, wait.
To each their own, I suppose … and by definition.
*** HAHA! ~Laura
Ummm, isn’t this what Buffy said the afterlife was like when she was brought back to life?
Seriously, I always hoped she was right. I really needed to believe this right now after losing a close family member. Thanks for the “therapy”!
*** Ha! I may have missed that episode. Hey, yeah, didn’t she come back all pissed off? Cause man oh man I was pissed. But I’ve heard people say about the same thing and all I can say is what my experience was. I think I shock most people that mine didn’t involve fire and pitchforks. HA! ~Laura
You have a heart? Who knew!
BTW – they say masturbation will make you go blind, but some of us stop when we need glasses.
*** On the heart thing, some would argue with that. ~Laura
I’ve got nothing funny or snarky to say about this. Thanks for sharing (with your great sense of humor). I’ve lost some very special people and it makes me feel good that they are peaceful and waiting for me to arrive someday. I don’t fear death. I fear that fact that I won’t be “ready” to go. You know: lots to do, more time with the hubby, and more dead hookers to bury.
*** That’s what I’m saying- don’t put off burying your hookers. ~Laura
Thank Jesus I can still touch myself with abandon. But I’m not letting Gahndi watch (dog or tiny passive man).
What if your experience, a lovely one, btw, is for the good folks and the rest of us screw-ups get fire and brimstone? I feel a bit obligated now to be a better person. And while I really enjoyed this post (truly, it is soothing and beautiful), I’m now a bit resentful that I might have to start being a better person to get to the happy place. Great.
*** HA! Girl, just touch yourself more often and you won’t have time for evilness. Problem solved. Ha! ~Laura
The answer? 42
*** Huh? ~Laura
OH. MY. GOSH. You are freakin’ killing me here…You’re stinking hilarious! Where do you come up with this shit? (….hysterically laughing at you….)
*** Most of it’s true- the top part. The Pss’s -not so much. ~ Laura
thanks laura been reading your blog a couple of weeks .best yet
*** Thank you and welcome. ~Laura
This has got to be the best blog entry evah. Not many could tie all these things together and pull it off so perfectly…I hereby proclaim you a AWWOE (Attention Whore Without Equal). Sorry, no tiara included. But you do get a shrink-wrapped copy of “Gringos Gone Wild” to help with that diddling thing…
ps – as someone who has used up 3 lives of hopefully 9, I can vouch for your experience…
*** YES! A title! And thank you. ~ Laura
Well, I was hoping for oblivion, but I’ll take peace and joy if that’s what’s on the buffet table of the afterlife. But there’s better be bacon right next to it. That’s all I’m sayin’.
(I should have thought of ’42′ – hat tip to Soylent Green!)
*** I didn’t. Ha! ~ Laura
That’s a pretty cool story. Well, not the whole dying part, but the what comes after, very nice.
*** Thank you. ~Laura
Excellent post. Thank you for sharing.
And thanks for the voodoo doll link – that was great.
*** How cool was that little flick? I loved it. ~Laura
*** HA! Girl, just touch yourself more often and you won’t have time for evilness. Problem solved. Ha! ~Laura
I seriously lol’d out loud!
:::The answer? 42:::
LOL. If Sean didn’t pull that one on me and explain it last year, I woulda said huh too.
*** It’s too late in the day to wonder, or google. ~ Laura
You know why you didn’t stay ‘dead’? Jesus took one look at you in the afterlife and said, “Unh,unh, no way. I’ve already done my suffering”. So he sent you back.
*** Well that’s a pleasant thought. Ha! ~Laura