Everyone needs a fleet of flying monkeys to rip the stuffing out of the annoying people in their lives
— Laura
I was watching the Discovery channel and apparently they were having a special like “Shark Week” except it was “Wild Hog Week.” It was about feral pigs and how they’re taking over the Southern United States. To make matters worse, some dumbasses brought some huge, mean Russian hogs over and set them loose and they’ve bred with our feral hogs and now they’re meaner and bigger than ever. They showed where hogs busted into people’s houses, killed family pets, and held people “hostage” in their homes. It was some pretty serious shit. I sat there drinking my gin watching one episode after another. At one point I got up to go to the kitchen to freshen my drink when I swear to God I heard a wild hog at the back door. No shit. So I’m thinking “Oh hell, what would be the best weapon against a wild hog home invader?” I didn’t know if I should go for a pistol or the shotgun in the other room or just grab the chef’s knife from the wood block in the kitchen. Shit, would it cut through pig hide? “Dammit, I need a KaBar in this kitchen!” I muttered to myself. Suddenly, I heard the wild hog again, except this time IT WAS IN THE HOUSE. I froze because I couldn’t remember if they said they had bad eyesight like T-Rexes did but I figured it couldn’t hurt. I stood there as still and as silent as anyone who had just drank four gin and tonics could, when I heard the “hog” again, but this time it sounded more like ice falling in the icemaker. Which it was. I exhaled, filled my glass and went back to the couch, grabbing the remote along the way. I switched the channel to “Night of The Living Dead” so I could relax a bit more. I know how to take zombies out.
Now this is where I usually post a picture of a cute little animal, but instead I’m posting a pic of me with a grenade launcher from a newspaper clipping. If you follow me on Facebook, which you all should, you’ve already seen this. Yes, I was in the newspaper a lot, and strangely the captions never read “Clooney stalker held for psychiatric evaluation.”
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45 Responses to Great. Now I have to add wild hogs to my list of things to watch out for, right after serial killers, stalkers, and the French.
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I think some wild hogs stole my checkbook out of my car last week.
Now that’s the face of someone that enjoys blowing shit up.
*** HAHA @ “stole your checkbook.” And yes, since I’m not flying this week I can say I always enjoyed blowing shit up. ~Laura
LMAO! I saw those Wild Hog specials and they were scary!!
***Indeed they were. ~Laura
I know for a FACT baby goats exude a scent that wild mutant FrankenHawgs detest and they wont come near any place the cute baby goats live, either that or I’ve been in the vicks 44 again.
*** HAHAHAHA! I need some goats STAT. ~Laura
That is som-big-gun… that would work a lot better then a kabar, Don’t you have one of those in a closet some where? you should mount it in your kitchen.
*** The military would not let me take it with me. ~Laura
Watch it, Laura. Some anti-gun, wild hog-loving, humorless literalists are going to take this story serious and protest!
*** Sigh. Probably, and they’ll probably be French! HA! ~Laura
Didn’t they use to kill wild boars with a spear, maybe you need to add that to your arsenal, “killing arm extender” that’s what I’ll market them as.
*** Too bulky me thinks. Oh, and they said England and all of Europe was being take over by wild hogs too! Have you seen any? ~Laura
LOL! Thank you for starting my Friday morning off worrying about wild hogs now!
*** You’re welcome. ~Laura
They are mighty good eatin! I would use this opportunity to fill the freezer for the Zombie Apocalypse… yeah! you do have a freezer?
*** Yes, I have a freezer for ice cubes for my drinks. But will we have electricity? No. So I better make em all into smokerd bacon. Mmmm …bacon. ~Laura
Oh Lord, what next… when you think about the worlds wildlife taking over the planet I always think of the movie “Planet of the Apes” That movie scared the SHIT outa me! I dont even like to look at them at the Zoo. They look back… really creepy! I just want to turn them loose, but then….. No!
*** Flying monkeys would be worse. They would throw poo at you from above. ~Laura
As your Life Coach, I’m a little disappointed that you weren’t ALREADY aware of the Wild Hog Menace… I mean, they were the whole basis for the Stacy’s Mom Theory of Slutty Women! But at least you’re up to speed now…
*** Girl, the only time I ever worried about hogs was when bacon wasn’t on sale. ~Laura
Shotgun for sure. Me and Anjin came across a wild hog once…we both had shotguns, and there wasn’t much left to eat. We double teamed it…probably overdid it a tad, but WTF, that SOB was one mean looking mofo. I wish I’d had a grenade launcher, or a LAW rocket. Anyway, Stretch gives me “the look” when my ice-maker drops the cubes.
*** I loves my shotgun. That’s the thing about them too, you tend to “over-do” it with them, if you know what I mean. Same with grenades, and definitely with the LAW. Ha! Those hogs certainly do look all mean and nasty that’s for sure. ~Laura
I once ate wild boar. But it wasn’t in the south, it was in Milwaukee. The restaurant was one that uses only locally grown produce, so I’m still a little unsure as to where the boar came from. In any case, it was tasty, but after I drink 4 beers, lots of things are tasty.
*** HA! They look like they’d be a little tough, but I’m sure it’s all in how they’re cooked. I’d definitely try some if I had the chance. Especially the bacon…mmmm… ~Laura
This story was disturbing on so many levels. I mean, who in their right mind puts ice in gin? (Keep the gin in the freezer, that way you don’t need any ice.)
***HA! I do both! I loves me an ice cold drink! ~Laura
wild hogs = icemaker. EPIC!
*** Hehe. ~Laura
You need to get a Great Dane – they were bred specifically for hunting wild boar. Honest. And they’re so cute! http://quiltdoctor.blogspot.com/2009/11/great-dane-puppies.html
They’re kind of like overgrown Doxies, and don’t eat much (as long as there’s plenty of wild boar for them to hunt).
*** Ha! Too much dog for my house. ~Laura
Okay, I don’t remember if I’ve mentioned this before, but my grandpa has tons of these things on his land and for years he has set up traps, caught them, put them in a trailer, drove them to a big city, and sold them to Chinese businessmen.
THIS IS NOT A JOKE.
The hogs are wise to his game now though and have started staying outside the boundaries of his 1000 acre farm and ranch. He would definitely give you a tour of the whole operation if you’re ever in southern Oklahoma.
*** I would so do a tour! And I totally believe you! I wonder why the Chinese like them so much? They must make a mean wild boar dumpling soup or something. ~Laura
With a wild hog, you need two things: An apple, and a huge roasting spit. Make that three things – you need a fire to roast the dude over.
Throw the apple at it, when it catches the apple in its mouth, you make your way behind the behemoth, shove the huge roasting spit right through its ass, all the way to its heart, then you get some guys to help you carry the carcass out back and roast it. Then the evening can be spent joyously by all.
*** Red or white wine? ~Laura
Thanks for giving me lust another reason to mistrust nature… Trees, squirrels, birds, parasites, possums, viruses, zombie ants, silverfish… Guess I’d better get comfy inside my house cuz I’m about to never go out again.
*** THEY COME IN AFTER YOU is the scary part! ~Laura
Call my son if you see a wild hog. He can’t wait to hunt and bag his first one. Then, he’ll make it into a fine summer sausage, smoked bacon, brats, chorizo, soprasetta,proscioutto, hams, etc.
*** They hunt them out in the woods near Columbia, and supposedly they’re all over the place by the Savannah River Plant, but I don’t know if I’d eat a hog that lived next to a nuclear plant all it’s life. ~Laura
Wow. Nice! Can i borrow that??
*** I wish I still had it. ~Laura
You just need to get you one of those “timon” type animals from “lion king” – what was he a ferret? I dunno, but then they can become best buds and sing and shit and give you a show right there in the kitchen.
*** Ha! Now I could get down with that. I mean, as long as they didn’t shit on the floor. ~Laura
Wild hog probably tastes nasty. But I would rather eat him than the other way ’round.
Glad I missed the show…
*** Well, I saw a documentary on today’s hog farms and let me tell you, wild hog doesn’t seem so bad after watching those antibiotic-steriod filled mutants. Seriously, it was really sci-fi gross. ~Laura
LOL! Husband loves to watch Hogs Gone Wild. His favorite sport is Hog Hunting, they even have a place here in TX where you can go on an overnight hunt and shoot as many hogs as you can see, they use night vision and really big guns! As a matter of fact we just smoked some wild hog last weekend, the smaller ones make for good barbeque!
*** They featured a lot of those hogs in Texas, and Florida! Does he use dogs? So the meat isn’t gamey or anything? ~Laura
There are some really GOOD reasons to live up in the frozen North, like I do. I don’t want WILD HOGS breaking down my door. They’ll find the dead hookers in the basement.
Then all hell will break loose.
With Thelma, Tink, and Jack on constant surveillance, I think the Wild Hogs will avoid your place like rabies.
*** Shoot, my animals would trip me so they could make their escape! ~Laura
“Pigs Gone Wild”. Partying in the woods, rolling in the mud, running wild!! Wasn’t that a video? Wish I was still in the South to hunt. Mom’s yard/pasture started to grow holes and DNR told her it was from feral pigs rootin around. I don’t think there is a season in Georgia so maybe I can hunt this Christmas. I’ve had wild pig once. Mighty tasty but I like wild game. I think you’re right. It’s all in the way it’s cooked. Nice photo. Blowing shit up on the government’s dime. Nice.
So do you accept all friend requests on Facebook or is there a code word to use? I think you would have to worry about stalkers there more so than a blog.
*** Sadly, I will accept a friend’s request from Charles Manson himself on Facebook. HA! I don’t worry too much about stalkers. I think they’d get pretty damn bored stalking me or maybe it’s because of my CWP. I worry more about zombies. Oh, and the French. ~Laura
Husband doesn’t use dogs, White Dog is for bird hunting. Although Brown Dog might make good hog bait…hmmmm, there’s a thought.
The bigger ones are tough meat, so you don’t want to eat the really BIG boars; but the smaller piglets make for tender meat, it taste just like any other pork.
*** Ohh send pics the next time he gets one, plz! I wanna see the size of them and their tusks. ~Laura
Laura,
Wild hog = bacon. Shoot the sumbitch eat like the Queen of the Universe for the next year!
*** I already do! Ha! Mmm bacon. ~Laura
Hogs iz evil. Feral hogs more so. I recommend heavy artillery. My .243 wasn’t enough for a wild one in the hood several years ago.
*** Damn. So hitting them with a soup ladle is out then? ~Laura
I married a hairy thing who I thought was a man, turned out he was a wild hog. I paid a hitman to take him out then I made him into chorizo – I can highly recommend this, fresh bread and some white wine. Cheers!
*** HA! So it’s white wine… ~Laura
I am looking at the Ka-Bar site in order to upgrade my weapon stash in light of the wild hog threat. I wondered which model you recommend?
*** I, of course, prefer the Army stacked leather handle one because I go with what I know. ~Laura
Laura I recommend one of these for feral hogs.
http://www.weaponsemporium.com/WE-Axes%20Valiant.jpg
I myself would prefer the model 54-095 because it has THREE spikes in addition to the blade.
Good hunting.
*** HA! Those would work for zombies too! ~Laura
Should have kept that painted elephant. You’d be eating pork chops, bacon, and boudin right now.
*** It was a rental. ~Laura
First time visitor. Love your style. For some reason the scene struck a familiar note: ever read the Winnie-the-Pooh story where he and Piglet go in circles and get scared-er & scared-er seeing the ‘multiplying’ footprints – they’re thinking more and more ‘Woozels’ or similar are following??? Any way thanks for the laugh.
*** Ha! No I never saw it, but I understand it. Ha! And welcome! ~Laura
Not only meaner and nastier, but unable to understand English. I wonder how you say “Get the hell away from me, wild hog!” in Russian?
OH! What if the Russianized wild hogs interbreed with the chupacabra? We’re so screwed.
*** Doomed. ~Laura
My husband, who has been taken off bacon by the doctor (what can he know about bacon?) will be more than happy to help you with that hog problem. Hubby will take care of the butchering, too. However, I’m afraid he won’t leave any bacon for you. I might not get much, either.
*** Damn. But I’m all about the bacon and hams. ~Laura
OMG I love that pic of you. I already saw it on FB and now I threaten my enemies with it. I say “Hey I know that soldier and she has SKILLZ”
Alison, be sure to get a DNA test on your next husband!
that is all
*** I thought it sounded like Alison got a lot out of that marriage. More than most I think. And yeah, Uncle Sam taught me some SKILLZ. ~Laura
O.k., I’m really tired of the animal kingdom thinking it can just ENTER a house. NO. You stay outside and I’ll stay inside and we’ll each just continue on our merry ways. OK? FINE.
PS – Dig you with the grenade launcher. BADASS.
*** Yeah, next think you know there’d be chickens in the house! ~Laura
Damn, now I really want some bacon! I just got back from the store though, and it was already a crowded mess with every freakazoid in the county, so I dare not go back. Shit.
*** Uggh a grocery store on a Friday…no way! ~Laura
When nature develops thumbs to turn door knobs then I’ll worry.
*** They bust on in! ~Laura
Looks like a job for Paula Deen & Smithfield Hams to me…
Personally, when I see one, I think BBQ, Cracklins’, and Bacon, Bacon, Bacon. Did I mention Bacon? Mmm mmmm mmm…
*** Mmmm bacon. ~Laura
what i’d give to hold a grenade launcher when i’m sitting in traffic. or when one of the asshole kids at the playground knocks henry over. or when i call customer service and nobody speaks english. or when i step on a scale.
*** I totally agree, there are certainly so many occasions for a grenade launcher in life. ~Laura
Ok…here in TX we’ve already been dealing with this feral hog problem for years.
You keep a few shotguns near each exterior door and when you hear a wild pig/hog at the door you need to yell from your side of the door,
“I SMELL BAR BQ !!”
The pig will also hear you load rounds in your shotguns or chamber a round in a 45..or two, or three..
Do you have an elephant gun you can display in a window ?
They Do have very keen hearing.
I’m surprised someone hasn’t made a cheesy B movie about the hogs yet.
Or did I miss it ?
*** Ha! I bet there’s some out there! Cheesy movies, not hogs- or is there?? ~Laura
You wouldn’t want to visit Arkansas. Here we take those damn hogs and make them football mascots and give ‘em cutsie names like Pork Chop. I’d love to see him get loose and rampage through the stadium a la “Hannibal”:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EPpPBWxKLGc
*** Damn! And you know, I have never been to Arkansas. I should put that on my list. ~Laura
Don’t want to increase your angst, but…we have lotsa feral hogs here! We do! We’ve seen them in the nature preserve and I can tell you every nerve ending jangles while you’re looking for a frickin’ tree to climb. I’m not making this shit up. Also, they do just trash golf courses and neighborhoods. They taste pretty good grilled, though. If you can get someone to get you some whilst avoiding the brucellosis (I know-another possible disease)and tusks and shit.
*** OH HELL! BRUCELLOSIS!! ~Laura
I hope you’ll write more stories about you and guns and the military. Those stories are always crazy fun to read. Also, it would be interesting to hear why you decided to go into the military in the first place.
*** I have had a lot of people asking for more of my military stories! I actually always thought they would bore people like my old crazy-ass Papaw’s war stories did. But maybe that’s because Papaw spent his whole enlistment in an Okinawa whorehouse. ~Laura