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Satan hates home improvements. Bible Fact. | Fetch My Flying Monkeys
Everyone needs a fleet of flying monkeys to rip the stuffing out of the annoying people in their lives
— Laura

The toilet seat in my Hobbit bathroom has been broken for a few weeks now. The metal hinge thingie just went SNAP! one day. How did this happen you ask? Satan. Here’s a picture of it:



Broken Toilet Seat


I’m just going to skip past the question of why the hell I have a wooden toilet seat and go straight to the fact that I bought a fancy cushioned one to replace it. Anyway, I went to remove the old seat and I got one bolt out without incident. Then I tried to get the second bolt out. OH. MY. GOD. It was like I was NOT King Arthur attempting to remove the sword from the stone. That bastard wasn’t moving. But I didn’t give up. No indeedy. I just kept trying. The phone even rang during my trial and it was J and I yelled “I CAN’T TALK! I HAVE TO GET A TOILET SEAT OFF!” and hung up on him and went back to cursing and attempting to unscrew the bolt. I don’t know how long I kept trying but it ended with me laying in a fetal position in a pool of my own tears on the cold bathroom floor. When I regained my composure, I crawled back over, declared Satan the winner, and put the other bolt back in because a wonky toilet seat is better than no toilet seat. Also, attempting to remove a satanically sealed bolt will make your thumb rabies come out of remission. Fuck you, Satan.

45 Comments
 

45 Responses to Satan hates home improvements. Bible Fact.

  1. Barbie Gurl says:

    I happen to like your wooden toilet seat. I do not like the cushion ones. I cant pee if I feel like I’m sitting in someones lap… No can do!
    *** I call it my Deliverance toilet seat. ~Laura

  2. Michelle says:

    Dammit! I had hoped the rabies would stay away. Damn Satan! Hope you feel better and fix your toilet seat soon.
    *** IF I can keep Satan at bay, I might one day be rabies-free. ~Laura

  3. Jennifer says:

    LOL! I love how you even take changing a toilet seat into a bible lesson! lol
    *** I feel it is my mission in life to educate people on the Bible. ~Laura

  4. Joe the Blog Stalker says:

    “because a wonky toilet seat is better than no toilet seat”
    Words to live by.
    *** I am full of wisdom. Yeah, wisdom, that’s it. ~Laura

  5. Princess says:

    I think my favorite part was “When I regained my composure”…. Now, that.. I would have loved to have seen.. you… composed…HA! that’s a good one. Oh BTY I am really sorry about your Thumb Rabies… That’s gotta hurt…
    *** It does. ~Laura

  6. Gawd says:

    I hate tools… especially the ones that are made by some morphodite that can contort their hand to hold it properly… like I’m ever gonna be able to do that… My favorite tool to hate is the pipe wrench… That thing just does not work. That is the stupidest tool ever..It’s just too heavy and it is only good for whacking things with.. did you try a pipe wrench?
    *** My hand is now only capable of dialing a repairman. Let a professional deal with Satan. ~Laura

  7. lifeshighwy says:

    Don’t let Satan be the winner. Get a power drill to unscrew the bolt. Angels use power drills, it is part of their approved equipment list.
    *** Ha! Girl, Satan kicked my ass on this one. I think angels call plumbers. ~Laura

  8. Jeffro says:

    Have you tried soaking Satan’s own bolt in Panther Piss (WD40)???
    I hope thumb rabies is (are?) contagious and Satan’s thumb rots off. Damn devil, anyhow – won’t leave you alone.
    *** I did indeed spray it with WD40 which is equal to Holy Water and it did not have an effect on Satan at all. ~Laura

  9. Holly says:

    At our old house we had a wooden one and I liked how it was never porcelain FREEZING in the middle of winter. Maybe you could get J to remove the seat we all know he’s in cahoots with satan since the goat incident.
    P.S Google Chrome wanted me to give satan a capital letter but I refused, ha, take that evil!
    *** Ha! That will show him! ~ Laura

  10. one crazed chick says:

    Satan can’t possibly beat you. I personally think without your thumb rabies you can kick his ass all the way back to hell (or maybe I’ve been in the sun too long). Lol
    *** Get your ass back here so we can go to Charleston! ~Laura

  11. Yabu says:

    I wonder what Satan wanted in the end? You might need a bolt exorcist.
    *** Yes, and his name shall be “Plumber.” ~Laura

  12. Steph says:

    After reading this I’m gonna go ahead and conclude that Satan not only hates home improvement but house CLEANING as well. Why else would I think to myself, I really should pick up this mes….nah….back to more Real Housewives and a bag of cheeseburger Doritos….. Clearly Satan’s evil work in action makes my house a mess.
    *** YES! Satan is to blame for everything bad! Satan made me not wash the dishes last night. Bible Fact. ~Laura

  13. Patti Ford says:

    This is un-toilet seat related…I LOVE the photo of the cat with the ‘stache! I collect things with mustaches and now must hunt down and catnap that cat! Either that or permanently dye one onto my cat…hmmm…Anyway, thanks and I’m borrowing it for FB, with credit to your finding skills of course. BTW…after a good nights sleep you should regain your composure and make that toilet seat your bitch.
    *** Satan is too powerful. I will let a profession exorcist (a plumber) fix it. And that cat has one of the best ‘staches I’ve ever seen on a cat EVER. ~Laura

  14. Jena says:

    You need to get a brace like the badass jab you in the eye thumb brace. It usually tames in rabies in 2-3 days.
    And why the hell didn’t J come running over t do his manly duties? Cushion seats are the Devil’s lap.
    *** HA@ Devil’s Lap. J lives in another town. ~Laura

  15. rdennis says:

    I tried to warn you not to go over to the dark side. Maybe you need to do an exorcism on this toilet. Yeah, yeah, that’s the ticket!
    *** The plumber can. ~Laura

  16. rdennis says:

    Okay, ignore my previous comment as yabu already came up with the exorcism thing. If I can’t be the first with an idea, I don’t even want to be involved. And it was all satan’s fault!
    *** Exactly. ~Laura

  17. MorningGlory says:

    I feel your (thumb rabies) pain. The cold water handle in my shower is not working (it just goes around and around and around in both directions, but does not turn on the cold water); I’ve been trying to fix it for like,3 weeks now. Satan’s work, for sure. Thankfully, I LIKE really hot showers.
    *** You need an exorcist (plumber) too. ~Laura

  18. Jena says:

    “after a good nights sleep you should regain your composure and make that toilet seat your bitch.” (That comment cracked me up!
    she already does her bidness in it, how much more of a bitch can it be?
    Wait… splinters
    *** Ouch. ~Laura

  19. The Boy’s bathroom has a wooden toliet seat, it works with the whole cabin feel of the decor. Husband and I have the cushioned one.
    *** Hopefully one day I too can feel the pleasure of a cushioned seat. ~Laura

  20. Looks like after Satan was done with your toilet, he came over and paid a visit to mine.
    The toilet seat before this one lasted ten years and was still in good working condition. But I decided to change it for a “prettier” one. That toilet seat was made in the USA. This one, which broke after one month of use, was made in China.
    Satan probably goes around looking for cheaply made toilet seats.
    *** The one I am TRYING to replace it with is an American made toilet seat. Evidently China is in cahoots with Satan- and that I totally believe. ~Laura

  21. Rob says:

    You can leave it broken for a while longer. You dainty women can hold it, can’t you?
    *** HA! Yeah, and we don’t fart either. Or sweat. ~Laura

  22. Sarah G. says:

    I think you need this book to overcome your trying day battling satanic bolts: http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1442405988?ie=UTF8&tag=books0299-20&link_code=as3&camp=211189&creative=373489&creativeASIN=1442405988.jpg
    *** HAHA! I would so have that as “reading material” in my bathroom too! ~Laura

  23. Squirrely wrath says:

    In general, toilets are instruments of Beelzebub. I say that, not because I had issues back when I started wearing “big boy” underwear, but because no toilet repair job is: a) as simple as it appears, b) permanent, and c) really, really disgusting.
    *** I know, right?! It pissed me off so bad! ~Laura

  24. LeeAnn says:

    “Hopefully one day I too can feel the pleasure of a cushioned seat.”
    I feel that pleasure every day since I stopped going to the gym.
    *** Ha! Girl, I be knowing the feeling. ~Laura

  25. Curtal Friar says:

    Could be worse. You could be under the kitchen sink, trying to replace the garbage disposal, and then have an absolute brain-dead idiot come up and have a total brain-fart and turn the water on as well as dump shit down the hole and then try to turn the disposal on, not comprehending that “hey, fucker, maybe dumping this shit down the disposal while someone’s replacing it isn’t such a hot fucking idea”. But I digress.
    My fault for being dumb enough to leave the water turned on, because as long as I didn’t turn the faucet on, I wouldn’t have any worries. It never crossed my mind that someone else would turn the faucet on. And dump food down the hole. Which, since I had the old disposal unhooked, guess where that food went?
    *** SATAN did it, right? Man, I would have come up swinging. ~Laura

  26. Erik says:

    Sounds like you need to have one of them “deliverance services” for that seat. I would like to see the look on the face of the one who comes over to exorcise the demon, and finds out its a toilet seat.
    The question I have is: would they wash their hands after the exorcism? Cause if soemthing’s gonna kill ya, its germs ya know.(Not saying you are all germy or anything like that).
    *** HA! They’ll get leprosy! ~Laura

  27. Jena says:

    Off topic. I was gonna post this on your fb wall, but the option is not there. wtf?! ha
    So I just tried the Timothy’s Kahlua k-cup. like!
    wwwwweeeeee!!!!
    *** My FB is ALWAYS messed up. I bought some Kahlua and the Coconut Cream. I have not tried them yet. I drank some Kona last night and it was very tasty. So far one of my faves is Nantucket Blend. WEEEEEEE!

  28. Stacy says:

    I hate home repairs too!
    *** Just like Satan! ~Laura

  29. Jena says:

    Nantucket (the bestest) , brkfast blend, caribou, kona… all good.
    Did you get that coupon link for the k cups?
    *** YES! Thank you! Imma use ‘em. ~Laura

  30. laughingmom says:

    Coming unhinged? (ha – I crack myself up)You know that the reason that it wont unbolt is that it is rusted together with boy pee, don’t you? Anything with toilets is always the boys fault.
    *** As in life! ~Laura

  31. Katie says:

    We also used to have a wooden toilet seat. And we have one bathroom thats not under construction. So one night while we were having a party at our home I sat on the wonderful wooden toilet seat and it promplty broke into 3 pieces. Not only did I feel like a large marge, but I was mortified as a party host who now had no toilet seat for ladies to rest on.
    and to add a bit of sophistication to our party, my hillbilly husband threw the wonderful wooden toilet seat in the bonfire.
    *** HAHA! I seriously LOLed right there. And it sounds like Satan’s work. ~Laura

  32. Barry says:

    Next time you come up on a frozen bolt, created by Satan himself, hit it with PB Blaster. That shit has saved many a mechanics knuckles on frozen bolts. It smells like hell but maybe Satan likes that.
    *** I don’t know what it is, but I’ll buy it. ~Laura

  33. Elphaba says:

    When the plumber chares you for removing a bolt from a freaking toilet seat, you should totally send a demand letter to Satan. I think the address at P.O. Box 666, HELL.
    Did your internet get fixed? Is the wedding on, or off? Will you get to keep the elephant, it if is off?
    *** My Internet is working, though real slow. They’re looking into that, I think. Either they are looking into it or I promised Jack to someone as a house servant. ~Laura

  34. Diana says:

    Fuck. You. Satan.
    Try WD-40 maybe, to help unlock the locked bolt. Damn bolt. Damn Satan.
    *** I KNOW! And I DID! Nothing worked! DAMN SATAN TO HELL! Wait… that just sends him home. ~Laura

  35. AlisonsDiary says:

    My pal Jenny got thrown out of an Italian restaurant in Aberdeen for coming out of the ladies room wearing the wooden toilet seat round her neck.
    The work of satan indeed.
    6 6 6
    *** HAHA! I would have fell over laughing. ~Laura

  36. Nicole says:

    Maybe Satan likes wooden toilet seats? We had one when we moved into this house and when we wanted to replace it we ended up having to replace the entire toilet due to bolt issues like you encountered. Makes sense if you think about it – splintery toilet seats and Satan…
    **** Hmmm.. I don’t want to replace the toilet. DAMN SATAN! ~Laura

  37. CGHill says:

    “At least I put the seat down,” Lucifer muttered. No one paid him the least bit of attention, however, so he moved on to the next Satanic activity, which probably involved infecting goats with something horrible.
    *** NOT GOATS!! ~Laura

  38. SB Smith says:

    Didn’t you say one time that Thelma(?), your cat, was trying to kill you ?…or was it just that all cats are killers ?
    It might not be Satan that’s possessed the toilet seat. Maybe Thelma has put a curse on it.
    *** It’s something she would do. ~Laura

  39. Jan says:

    Satan describes SO many things about my house… I hope that exorcisms don’t cost a lot.
    *** I think they’re free. ~Laura

  40. Kristy says:

    Silly girl… this is what your flying monkeys are for! ;)
    *** I thought it just threw poo on people. ~Laura

  41. Gawd says:

    I think you are supposed to make a “Donation” ;] to the church…especially if you are draining their priest……
    *** The plumber will bill me. ~Laura

  42. Larry says:

    If you give up, rabies and Satan wins!
    And second the PB Blaster, that shit is to rust what holy water is to Satan and the kind of vampires that don’t sparkle in the sun. Get it at the auto parts store if you can’t find it anywhere else.
    *** I am going to have to look for it. I don’t want to replace a whole toilet! ~Laura

  43. hoodyhoo says:

    How do you get a toilet seat off? Tell it it’s pretty and buy it a nice dinner. Sorry, had to do it.
    And you do know those cushioned ones make fart sounds when you sit down, right?
    *** That’s cool, I live alone. Now I’ll giggle a lot. ~Laura

  44. The Nickster says:

    Spray some penetrating oil on it. And no, I am not trying to pick up on you.
    *** HA! ~Laura

  45. Larry says:

    I’m disappointed. The Nickster didn’t say anything about tazers this time.
    *** HA! I know, right? ~Laura

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