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Warning: Creating default object from empty value in /home/jimstant/public_html/fetchmyflyingmonkeys/wp-content/themes/platformpro/admin/class.options.metapanel.php on line 49 Always read the fine print in your customer service agreement. | Fetch My Flying Monkeys
We had a killer-ass storm hit us last night and I lost power. Also, the cable technician never showed up and my Internet is still a mess so I guess I really did agree to marry “John” the customer service guy in New Delhi. I heard engaged women like to sit around and plan their weddings; clipping magazine pictures, spending endless hours fussing over colors and shit. I just rendered a drawing of mine.
I’m pretty certain one of the staple foods in new dehli is Rice. So as far as your smatkins diet goes, your fucked.
Also since you’re getting married off to “john” you can probably stop dieting and surrender to all that is circus and peanuty!
*** That’s what I figured. I’ll get all fat and sassy. ~Laura
Kewl! You’ve gone whole hog and put a dot on your forehead! You’re damn serious about this bidness.
*** You gots to be serious ’bout weddins! I think. ~Laura
I knew there would be polka dots… I love the one on your head…I have an 86 lb Amethyst Geode that would make an awesome head dress, if you’d like to borrow it! (Something Borrowed) I cant wait.. I love Elephants.. have you seen “Water for Elephants”? that looks really good too! Have you told “Crazed Chick” yet.. This is really gonna put a damper on our Vaca’s isn’t it! Does John have to come? Oh Lord! She is not gonna be happy. Gotta go.. So much to be done…I love weddings. as long as they’re not mine! HA!
*** Eighty Six pounds on my head? I don’t think my neck is that strong. I mean it’s had lots of practice holding up my bulbous head, but c’mon. I will leave John at home. He can answer the phone. And I’ve read Water for Elephants. I want to see the movie so I can lust for Mr. Pattinson. ~Laura
You’ve chosen wisely, Grasshopper. Indian men love for their wife to be fat and sassy. It’s a status symbol.
You’ll learn to like curry-flavored circus peanuts, too. I bet he’ll even let you have a goat!
*** The goat thing won me over. Oh, and the fat and sassy part. ~Laura
You don’t look very happy, my dear. You will not please your new husband making a face like that!
*** HA! You’d think I’d be all smiles riding an elephant, wouldn’t you? ~Laura
OK… the important questions are totally being avoided here. Us “Monkey Junkies” need to know what this all means for us! Will U be Blogging from India…Will U be Blogging? how will we find U/ What does “Fetch My Flying Monkeys” look like in Wing Ding? Please dont leave us stranded out here monkey-less…OMG! Is this the end? I will be “Monkey Junkie” forever….Weeeeeeeeeeee. Yes I had some very strong coffee this morning.
*** You need to simmah down nah. Apparently India has the Internet. The biggest downer is I bet they don’t have bacon- that’s the thing no one is talking about. ~Laura
No, not a pink sari. Yours must be turquoise with silver threading, and lots of silver bangles, and even your cake should have silver foiling.
Would set off your hair very nicely.
*** You can be my wedding coordinator. Please render me a drawing. ~Laura
All I could see at first was the Simpson’s 3 eyed fish instead of your eyes and a dot! or the “Evolution” smiley. (remember the movie?)
Fucking awesome rendering! fact!
*** I was gonna decorate it a little, but decided to stay factual. Ha! ~Laura
But…..what will George think?
*** Well, in my head he comes running to India begging me not to marry John and then he makes sweet sweet love to me on the private jet as we’re leaving and then we return to the USA to get the WHORE out of his trunk and bury her. Or something like that. ~Laura
Keep the elephant. Indian elephants are all cute and cuddly and sleep in the bed with you. African elephants always want to go out in the backyard and chase the squirrels and stuff.
*** I gots me some squirrels and stuff need chasin’ so maybe I should see if they have a Zimbabwe Customer Service Division. ~Laura
Lisa is awesome! That was hysterical! I’m hit! Otterdown! or should that be Blonde down!
*** I thought it was funny. Who knew brains felt like biscuits. ~Laura
You’re gonna get all fat and sassy???? How much sassier could you possibly get? Poor John doesn’t stand a chance!! And make sure he knows there’s a “matched’ set out there somewhere that will whisk you away occasionally and bring you back sore!!
*** Dayummm. Ha! ~Laura
We had some good hail the other night, and I was all like “Cmon, daddy needs a new roof on the house, and wants insurance to pay for it!” Don’t think its going to happen.
I did some quick research on elephants, cause the one in your drawing looked African to me. (You are like – “Whatever!” – right?)
And then I cam upon this: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pinnawela_Elephant_Orphanage
Would not want to adopt a baby elephant? I mean – come on!
*** Oh I certainly would adopt one if I could. Indian or African. Then I’d train it to kill people. ~Laura
You have the same expression on your face as I had on mine at my wedding!
*** HA! Then you should have turned your elephant around and made a run for it! ~Laura
“Ooh, never have I seen so many cobras in a first-class compartment.”
Dammit, my fake Calcutta accent font isn’t working.
Oh well, it’s the thought that counts. May a thousand Mongeese? Mongi? Mongooses clear your path to the altar.
*** Oh thank you very much, my friend. ( Read that in a Calcutta accent) ~Laura
What The Hell…. India?…Elephants?…. John? Who the hell is John? Where is “J”.. He will rescue U!…. Please stop her from doing anything silly “J”…. be her knight in shining armor. Her prince dejour’. OH! This could get good, this could get real good!
*** And J rolls his eyes. ~Laura
Have you registered at Curry R Us?
(and you do know that Indian tradition dictates the couple spends the honeymoon night with the in-laws making certain insertion is done correctly?, usually by assisting the process?)
*** EWWWW !You just grossed me out beyond belief! ~Laura
Congrats! Enjoy your new life as a bacon smuggler / bacon black market queen!! I can honestly see you doing it! PS – I don’t think you are allowed to take a Keurig to India. So, you can mail it to me!!
*** Oh I see how you are. I am certain they have a converter. And yes, I would totally smuggle/snuggle bacon. ~Laura
Even the elephant looks pissed. Maybe you should be sure to have a packet of “marriage” peanuts around to keep your ride happy.
*** If the ride ain’t happy, nobody gonna be happy- including wedding guests. That would so happen at my wedding too. An elephant stampede kills all the guests and band and crushes my gifts (which would REALLY piss me off.) ~Laura
Forget Target…you’re registered at gun stores, right ?
They’d be on my list of registered stores if it was me.
*** Well, yes those too of course. ~Laura
NO! NONONONONONO! You cannot go to India and marry “John”!!!
They EAT goats there…
curried.
Oh, and if Jack wants to be a Hindu God, he has to be dyed blue… just sayin’.
*** Oh no..there will be no goat eating. Jack would do it just to be worshipped. I know him. I taught him well. ~ Laura
Ummm…I was just on Target.com and could not find your wish list. Did you register in your future married name?
*** Sonsabitch! Did they lose me already? I’ll make it easy for you…send K-Cups! Ha! ~Laura
I was once on the phone to India discussing my credit problems, when the idiot, I mean, East Indian fellow suggested that I try to get a loan to pay off the credit card I couldn’t afford to pay. Srsly!?!
For some reason, I snapped, and that triggered the part of my brain that unleashes the profanities.
His response, which now makes me laugh, was:”Ma’am, please…keep your language down!” (said in a Calcutta accent)
So, if you do end up moving to India, remember to keep your language down. Apparently, they don’t like swearing.
*** Oh shit. I’m in trouble then. ~Laura
You, young lady, are not going anywhere. You are staying right here, in River City, With all your Monkey Junkies… Tell this “JOHN” to take a hike. He can not use you for your “Keurig” he can not have your “Bacon” nor your “Peanuts” “Goats’ or your Angel singing renderings. What is HE bringing to this relationship? Curry? Pissed off Elephants? His parents for insertion precision? HE CANT EVEN DO THAT BY HIMSELF? Oh my dear child, please WAKE UP. this man has nothing to offer you. It’s time to make a choice……. John …. or your faithful Monkey Junkies….and besides, you can swear all you want here…..and we certainly do not want a smurf Jack…..
*** I’m staying where I can swear dammit. ~Laura
HA! I am very sure Jack is happy about that…. I dont think his clothes would look good on him anymore if he were blue… ewwww.
*** But he’d be a deity and that would be all that mattered to him. ~Laura
That elephant doesn’t look nearly as well armed as I would have expected.
*** Dude! It’s my wedding! Murder and mayhem is for the honeymoon. ~Laura
I’m pretty certain one of the staple foods in new dehli is Rice. So as far as your smatkins diet goes, your fucked.
Also since you’re getting married off to “john” you can probably stop dieting and surrender to all that is circus and peanuty!
*** That’s what I figured. I’ll get all fat and sassy. ~Laura
Kewl! You’ve gone whole hog and put a dot on your forehead! You’re damn serious about this bidness.
*** You gots to be serious ’bout weddins! I think. ~Laura
Congratulations and best wishes! I hope the food is good!
*** I hope it’s not all curry. Blech. ~Laura
BEST. RENDERING. EVER.
Seriously made me spew my coffee!
*** Don’t waste coffee!! And thanks. ~Laura
I knew there would be polka dots… I love the one on your head…I have an 86 lb Amethyst Geode that would make an awesome head dress, if you’d like to borrow it! (Something Borrowed) I cant wait.. I love Elephants.. have you seen “Water for Elephants”? that looks really good too! Have you told “Crazed Chick” yet.. This is really gonna put a damper on our Vaca’s isn’t it! Does John have to come? Oh Lord! She is not gonna be happy. Gotta go.. So much to be done…I love weddings. as long as they’re not mine! HA!
*** Eighty Six pounds on my head? I don’t think my neck is that strong. I mean it’s had lots of practice holding up my bulbous head, but c’mon. I will leave John at home. He can answer the phone. And I’ve read Water for Elephants. I want to see the movie so I can lust for Mr. Pattinson. ~Laura
The look on your face is priceless! Love the elephant!
*** Thanks. ~Laura
That rendering is full of WIN.
*** Well, it is my wedding. ~Laura
You’ve chosen wisely, Grasshopper. Indian men love for their wife to be fat and sassy. It’s a status symbol.
You’ll learn to like curry-flavored circus peanuts, too. I bet he’ll even let you have a goat!
*** The goat thing won me over. Oh, and the fat and sassy part. ~Laura
???? ??
Please don’t dot Jack, That would be so not right.
*** Ha! He wants to be a Hindu God. ~Laura
You could save a lot of money by just going back to that safari park.
*** Ha! I want to go back too! ~Laura
LOL! I hope your rendering is on your wedding invitations!
*** You don’t think that would be too fancy and showy? ~Laura
Did you draw that by hand?
*** Yes. I draw all my renderings by hand, then photograph them and will Photoshop in any text. ~Laura
You don’t look very happy, my dear. You will not please your new husband making a face like that!
*** HA! You’d think I’d be all smiles riding an elephant, wouldn’t you? ~Laura
OK… the important questions are totally being avoided here. Us “Monkey Junkies” need to know what this all means for us! Will U be Blogging from India…Will U be Blogging? how will we find U/ What does “Fetch My Flying Monkeys” look like in Wing Ding? Please dont leave us stranded out here monkey-less…OMG! Is this the end? I will be “Monkey Junkie” forever….Weeeeeeeeeeee. Yes I had some very strong coffee this morning.
*** You need to simmah down nah. Apparently India has the Internet. The biggest downer is I bet they don’t have bacon- that’s the thing no one is talking about. ~Laura
You should do comics!
*** Another career missed! Shit!! ~Laura
No, not a pink sari. Yours must be turquoise with silver threading, and lots of silver bangles, and even your cake should have silver foiling.
Would set off your hair very nicely.
*** You can be my wedding coordinator. Please render me a drawing. ~Laura
All I could see at first was the Simpson’s 3 eyed fish instead of your eyes and a dot! or the “Evolution” smiley. (remember the movie?)
Fucking awesome rendering! fact!
*** I was gonna decorate it a little, but decided to stay factual. Ha! ~Laura
But…..what will George think?
*** Well, in my head he comes running to India begging me not to marry John and then he makes sweet sweet love to me on the private jet as we’re leaving and then we return to the USA to get the WHORE out of his trunk and bury her. Or something like that. ~Laura
The red blood stain, sooooo works for you! Lucky girl!
*** My hair? Or my head dot? ~Laura
Keep the elephant. Indian elephants are all cute and cuddly and sleep in the bed with you. African elephants always want to go out in the backyard and chase the squirrels and stuff.
*** I gots me some squirrels and stuff need chasin’ so maybe I should see if they have a Zimbabwe Customer Service Division. ~Laura
Lisa is awesome! That was hysterical! I’m hit! Otterdown! or should that be Blonde down!
*** I thought it was funny. Who knew brains felt like biscuits. ~Laura
You’re gonna get all fat and sassy???? How much sassier could you possibly get? Poor John doesn’t stand a chance!! And make sure he knows there’s a “matched’ set out there somewhere that will whisk you away occasionally and bring you back sore!!
*** Dayummm. Ha! ~Laura
We had some good hail the other night, and I was all like “Cmon, daddy needs a new roof on the house, and wants insurance to pay for it!” Don’t think its going to happen.
I did some quick research on elephants, cause the one in your drawing looked African to me. (You are like – “Whatever!” – right?)
And then I cam upon this: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pinnawela_Elephant_Orphanage
Would not want to adopt a baby elephant? I mean – come on!
*** Oh I certainly would adopt one if I could. Indian or African. Then I’d train it to kill people. ~Laura
You have the same expression on your face as I had on mine at my wedding!
*** HA! Then you should have turned your elephant around and made a run for it! ~Laura
Your blog always makes me smile! Thanks for that!
*** You’re welcome. ~Laura
The “dot” makes the picture!! Have you broken the news to J?
*** Yes, but he just rolls his eyes at me. ~Laura
No Bacon?!?!? How can that be?
*** I know, right!? ~Laura
“Ooh, never have I seen so many cobras in a first-class compartment.”
Dammit, my fake Calcutta accent font isn’t working.
Oh well, it’s the thought that counts. May a thousand Mongeese? Mongi? Mongooses clear your path to the altar.
*** Oh thank you very much, my friend. ( Read that in a Calcutta accent) ~Laura
What The Hell…. India?…Elephants?…. John? Who the hell is John? Where is “J”.. He will rescue U!…. Please stop her from doing anything silly “J”…. be her knight in shining armor. Her prince dejour’. OH! This could get good, this could get real good!
*** And J rolls his eyes. ~Laura
Have you registered at Curry R Us?
(and you do know that Indian tradition dictates the couple spends the honeymoon night with the in-laws making certain insertion is done correctly?, usually by assisting the process?)
*** EWWWW !You just grossed me out beyond belief! ~Laura
Congrats! Enjoy your new life as a bacon smuggler / bacon black market queen!! I can honestly see you doing it! PS – I don’t think you are allowed to take a Keurig to India. So, you can mail it to me!!
*** Oh I see how you are. I am certain they have a converter. And yes, I would totally smuggle/snuggle bacon. ~Laura
Even the elephant looks pissed. Maybe you should be sure to have a packet of “marriage” peanuts around to keep your ride happy.
*** If the ride ain’t happy, nobody gonna be happy- including wedding guests. That would so happen at my wedding too. An elephant stampede kills all the guests and band and crushes my gifts (which would REALLY piss me off.) ~Laura
Forget Target…you’re registered at gun stores, right ?
They’d be on my list of registered stores if it was me.
*** Well, yes those too of course. ~Laura
NO! NONONONONONO! You cannot go to India and marry “John”!!!
They EAT goats there…
curried.
Oh, and if Jack wants to be a Hindu God, he has to be dyed blue… just sayin’.
*** Oh no..there will be no goat eating. Jack would do it just to be worshipped. I know him. I taught him well. ~ Laura
I swear I heard angels singing when I laid my eyes on that drawing. Bitchin’my friend, bitchin’.
*** Ha! Thank you. ~Laura
Ummm…I was just on Target.com and could not find your wish list. Did you register in your future married name?
*** Sonsabitch! Did they lose me already? I’ll make it easy for you…send K-Cups! Ha! ~Laura
I was once on the phone to India discussing my credit problems, when the idiot, I mean, East Indian fellow suggested that I try to get a loan to pay off the credit card I couldn’t afford to pay. Srsly!?!
For some reason, I snapped, and that triggered the part of my brain that unleashes the profanities.
His response, which now makes me laugh, was:”Ma’am, please…keep your language down!” (said in a Calcutta accent)
So, if you do end up moving to India, remember to keep your language down. Apparently, they don’t like swearing.
*** Oh shit. I’m in trouble then. ~Laura
Your rendering is seriously lacking in firepower!
*** That’s for the honeymoon! ~Laura
You, young lady, are not going anywhere. You are staying right here, in River City, With all your Monkey Junkies… Tell this “JOHN” to take a hike. He can not use you for your “Keurig” he can not have your “Bacon” nor your “Peanuts” “Goats’ or your Angel singing renderings. What is HE bringing to this relationship? Curry? Pissed off Elephants? His parents for insertion precision? HE CANT EVEN DO THAT BY HIMSELF? Oh my dear child, please WAKE UP. this man has nothing to offer you. It’s time to make a choice……. John …. or your faithful Monkey Junkies….and besides, you can swear all you want here…..and we certainly do not want a smurf Jack…..
*** I’m staying where I can swear dammit. ~Laura
HA! I am very sure Jack is happy about that…. I dont think his clothes would look good on him anymore if he were blue… ewwww.
*** But he’d be a deity and that would be all that mattered to him. ~Laura