J told me that I really needed to get my hypochondria under control, but I couldn’t hear him over the sound of my carotid artery rupturing.
It’s April 1st and for April Fool’s Day I was going to do an entry saying I was going to stop blogging because it hasn’t made me rich and I haven’t gotten a book deal but I’m pretty sure by now y’all know I rely completely on gambling for my wealth, and it’s not like I’m a semi-retarded “guido” on a reality show who can get someone to write a book for me. I was even going to skip doing an entry today because I think I have a ruptured spleen. Or maybe I’m in renal failure. Maybe both. Or maybe I just drank too much coffee. I don’t know. All I know is I’m too much of an attention whore not to blog to tell you I’m not blogging. I don’t even know what the hell I’m saying. I think I just heard my pancreas explode. I’m in complete organ failure here so here’s a picture of a baby goat in a bucket to entertain you until I can win enough money for some black market organs. C’mon lottery, momma needs a new pair of kidneys.
51 Responses to J told me that I really needed to get my hypochondria under control, but I couldn’t hear him over the sound of my carotid artery rupturing.
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awwwwe he’s so cute!
Sorry to hear about those organs. Might want to get that checked out.
*** My insurance won’t cover organ failure. ~Laura
Cyborg tech isn’t getting here fast enough, is it….
The baby goat knows all.
*** I need some bionic parts for sure. ~Laura
Calzone….quick! Code Blue!!! Beep Beep Beep….somebody get her a Calzone…Stat!! Or a baby goat….yes…we need a baby goat Now!!! Get going people…we’re losing her……..
*** HA! A baby goat pulling a lil wagon filled with calzones should fix me right up. ~Laura
Hooker, Motel 6 bathtub, 20 bags of ice, a couple of Playmate coolers. Anything else?
*** I’m not too sure I want hooker parts though. ~Laura
Thank you for keeping us posted on your organ failure. I hope you win the lottery so you can get everything replaced with new stuff and get those rabies taken care of too. Thanks for the baby goat photo. It sure made ME feel better. Hope it worked a small wonder for you.
*** Yes, goats help everything. ~Laura
LMAO! I’m sorry to laugh at your pain, but that was funny as hell! lol
*** I am glad my suffering amuses you. Ha! ~Laura
You must never get your hypochondria under control, is J nuts for even suggesting this? Doesn’t he realize that the rabies and organ failure is real??? I think he must need a psychiatrist so he can learn how great hypochondria can be! He must learn to be an attention whore!!
*** He is so totally the opposite of an attention whore. But yes, he needs to pay more attention to my diseases and conditions. ~Laura
LOL! That is one entertaining goat! I hope your organs get well soon!
*** Thanks, me too. ~Laura
I’m also in need of kidneys because I drank a drink at the bar last week that made me pee blue (like Windex-blue), and I’m pretty sure that’s not right. And I was gonna use this dead hooker’s kidneys but it turns out she’s a size 6. Damn, I’m glad I killed that bitch.
*** Oh I kill the “size 2″ off first. ~Laura
Baby goat is sooo adorable. You cannot sway me to get another goat.
Sorry about the complete organ failure. Amazing that your body can shut down but your typing fingers are still working.
*** It is, ain’t it?! The attention whore part keeps working I guess. ~Laura
I dont know why you want new parts.. they will just go bad as well, just get rid of the ones that you have…if they’re bad.. get rid of them. who needs em? be done with it! no more failure…..that’s it! Done!
*** Then I’ll be like a boneless chicken. ~Laura
I didn’t know a carotid artery rupturing made a sound…I learn something everyday. Did you fall on a toothbrush?
*** Oh no is toothbrusing dangerous? ~Laura
You still manage to blog, find baby goat pics, curse J and all through organ failure disguised as too much caffeine??
Oh yeah, you are totally Superhero material.
*** YES! I believe so too! Thank you for seeing that. ~Laura
OH MY GOD I want that goat! (I’m glad you blogged- even as your organs were exploding.)
*** At least someone appreciates me. Ha! ~Laura
You make me laugh every morning!
*** Good. Then maybe you’ll donate to me a kidney or liver. ~Laura
Baby Goat In A Bucket would make a good stripper name. Certainly I’d stand out in the crowd of Dakotas and Savannahs.
*** I think you should use it! ~Laura
“** Then I’ll be like a boneless chicken. ~Laura”
nay… not chicken! more like a slab of lean but tender Kobe beef, or whatever is the leanest but excellent cut of meat.
*** YEAH! The most excellent! Ha! ~Laura
Tell J if he truly loves you he would shut the fuck up about you “getting control” of your “hypochondria”. That’s what makes you you! Unless you tell him the same thing on what ever he whines about.
*** I do. Ha! ~ Laura
I would think the complete and utter cuteness of that baby goat would circumvent any organ failure or rabies. He’s positively adorable.
Feel better…soon. Rest and relax all weekend. Put your feet up.
*** I’m better now. I think it was just organ rabies. Or maybe gas. ~Laura
Along the ‘winning the lottery’ line…I would appreciate consideration for a job at your killer robot factory. My background is in procedure development and quality assurance. Of course, if the pay is right, I am not beneath working on the assembly line.
*** Consider yourself hired. ~Laura
Yes, apparently brushing your teeth can be dangerous if you fall face down with one in your mouth. At least, that’s what the local TV ads’ say. They say you can rupture a carotid artery by falling on your toothbrush. This is some serious shit, so I’m going to start brushing my teeth, sitting down, next to the bathtub (gotta spit somewhere). I never knew I’d been putting myself in danger all these years.
*** God lawd, must we be warned OF EVERYTHING?! I heard jabbing a big pointy stick in your eye real hard can cause blindness too! Imagine that! ~Laura
No such thing as too much coffee.
Hypochondria?! wait… what? That sounds really serious, is that treatable? Maybe it is just lupus
*** Now I have lupus. ~Laura
Hmmm…organ transplants. Always been somewhat leery of those. Seen too many movies or read too many stories where someone gets a transplanted liver or kidney or heart or something, and they get more than just the organ. Seems that some part of the spirit of the original owner of the organ starts to affect the donee, and weird things start to happen.
Think about it. You get a new kidney, and suddenly, increasingly every day, you begin to act more and more like….Mr. Rogers. Or worse.
Imagine the horror.
*** And start wearing a sweater and talking all cyborg-smooth like? No thank you. I’d rather have hooker organs and take my chance with a gonorrhea infested pancreas. ~Laura
Hypochondria, organ failure, baby goats….I think you have everything all covered.
btw – Have you seen the movie “Monsters”? I was reading up on it yesterday, and it seems like it would be pretty good. If not, check it out …
*** Yes I saw it. It’s not what you think it is, but I kind of liked it for a love story. ~Laura
Coffee neophytes are often more sensitized to metabolic changes.
Us jaded coffee heads have a more, “kidney failure? I’ll get around to it.” attitude. You’ll get there.
*** I hope before my scheduled dialysis appointment. ~Laura
I hate organ failure. Not as much as I hate organ music but a little more than I hate organ grinding.
*** That’s why I stopped going to church and tipping monkeys with hats. ~Laura
I’m going with too much coffee, but then again I am not a medical professional, so what do I know. My friend in Idaho is having her gall bladder taken out today. Would you like me to put in a good word for you?
Check out my blog later I will have my April Fool’s prank on my assistant up later.
The first text to her this morning was: It’s okay now the police are almost finished in your office….
*** HAHA! I love it. I hope you put down tape in the shape of an outlined body..maybe missing it’s head! ~Laura
I hope you get well soon.
ps – April Fools!
*** I should tase your ass. Ha! ~Laura
When my organs fail I drink more coffee.
*** Good idea. Starbucks for lunch! ~Laura
One time my bladder failed, so I totally understand.
*** Ha! Oh, I mean, oh noes! ~Laura
Girl, you so crazy!
I hope the organ rabies goes away soon. But just in case, cut back on the coffee consumption, willya?! Only 5 cups per day, no matter what!
*** ONLY FIVE?! ~Laura
Tell J to shut his pie hole. There is real suffering going on here!
My sister is a transplant nurse should I send her over?
Did you know that some doctors recommend coffee enemas?
*** Umm no coffee is not suppose to go there. Must be witch doctors. And yes, send your sister STAT with some coolers full of new and improved organs please. I tell J to shut his pie hole all the time. As a matter of fact, that’s one of my favorite things to tell people. ~Laura
“That’s why I stopped going to church and tipping monkeys with hats.”
Those monkeys are pretty pissed off about that. Sleep with one eye open.
*** I never sleep around monkeys for that very reason. Well, and the whole poo slinging thing. ~Laura
I too would like to work at your killer robot factory. I’m a chemist, so there must be something handy I could do. We should invent killer baby goat robots, they’ll sucker people in with cuteness, then BLAMO!
(I hope it’s not too obvious that I need to kill something today, bad form and all that…)
*** I think you need to be in our development department or maybe our testing department. Maybe divide your time. ~Laura
Well, I’d say “get well soon” but if the organs are failing, this will probably be your last blog. You can’t recover from that! Anyway, can I have your new Keurig and that goat when you go? Quick, type up a will before your fingers fall off!
*** Oh, I see how it is. Being all vulture-like. Pfft. ~Laura
You can get replacement organs at Sam’s Club and Costco now. They’re located next to the dog food aisle. But they come in packs of 40, so you’ll either need to find some friends that would be interested in splitting a few cases or just get a big chest freezer to save them in….you know, in case the replacement organ fails you’ll have replacements for the replacements.
*** Damn, and I need a membership card : ( ~Laura
That is one damn cute goat. Good thing goats are a cure-all
*** Goats really can cure everything. ~Laura
Now that I am older (not mature, just older) I think I destroyed most of my organs with my habits of yore. But you are still welcome to anything that works. Just don’t stop blogging.
*** HA! I may have to ask for half a spleen or something. ~Laura
I know that coffee cures the general organ failure (I read). Maybe the person who had a friend who had a gallbladder removal can contact her and see if you can have her gallbladder, at least one part will be working.
We’ll protect that Kuerig so that no one takes it so you can use it again once your recover!!
*** That’s mighty nice of you. And I will protect your Keurig from the Bunch O’Bitches. ~Laura
I’ve told you before that coffee causes all your problems – coffee rabies and now coffee organ failure! You just won’t listen to old people who know what’s best for you!!! Have you asked Betty for one of her kidneys?
*** I bet hers are soaked in gin and crazy. ~Laura
Isn’t there an “Organs-R-Us” somewhere around Columbia? Well, If not I’m sure there is one in LA. Those folks need new organs all the time…I think they have a drive-thru transplant clinic as well. Why dont you have “One Crazed Chick” pick one up for U this week. I’m sure she is looking for something to bring U back.. so why not a big-ole-cooler of Organs….
*** I’m scared to see “organ” she picks out. ~Laura
organ failure? thus may help http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oDqY4KO1x8o
*** HAHAHA! Yes, it helps. ~Laura
After a while the caffeine in the coffee will spur the organ replacement genes and you will be able to grow new organs on demand. Until then, maybe J should watch where he sleeps…you do have an icemaker, right?
Anyhoo, I fix machines for a living, so when you get that killer robot factory up and running I am available to fix the robot making machines. Just post the job under “Professional Knuckledragger Needed” so that I know which one to apply for.
References available upon demand, if you really insist.
*** HAHA! You’re hired too. ~Laura
Ohhhhhhh, maybe I can cut out the whore’s heart and bring and back (I’m sure it won’t be at a drive-thru, drive by yes). Maybe during my dead man stalking thing, a picture of the hands will help. You can use your imagination on exactly what they’ll do!!
*** Take lots of pics! ~Laura
So will your gravestone say – Now Will You Believe I’m Sick?
If you are looking for new organs, check Craiglist. Black market organ sales would fall under Services, right? Should we be worried that J is going to wake up one morning in a bath of ice with a surgical scar down his torso? If you still have an old K-Bar lying around the house, get pro-active. J won’t mind. He’s always so supportive. Get what organs you need then make some cash on the side by selling off whatever is left. That money could get you to California.
The goat is so cute. I want one!
** HA! You’re like my new Life Coach. Ha! I want two goats because I’m greedy. ~Laura
I am just grateful that all this stress from your psuedomedical emergencies has not caused an outbreak of shingles! Did you know you can get them in your eye?
Ok, time to feed the horses!
*** OH MY GOD My eye just started itching. ~Laura
I knew a woman that had it in her eye. Wasn’t pretty, very painful and hurts to look at.
*** Damn. ~Laura
Have you managed to stop the bleeding from that ruptured carotid artery yet? Just wanted you to know that I’m thinking about ya.
*** Yes. Luckily I had some Bandaids available. ~Laura
I don’t know which I enjoyed more – your hilarious title or that adorable photo. All I know is you’ve got a great blog.
*** There’s not much more adorable than a baby goat. Welcome and thank you. ~Laura
Did you get my picture of George? I didn’t lay in his hands but I did lay in Cary Grants!!!
*** No I didn’t. Email it? ~Laura