Everyone needs a fleet of flying monkeys to rip the stuffing out of the annoying people in their lives
— Laura


Crazy Betty


I have received tons of email asking me for updates on my insane neighbor Crazy Betty. And by tons, I mean two. And one of those wasn’t really about Crazy Betty, it was a letter about a Nigerian investment I made. Anyway, for anyone who isn’t familiar with Crazy Betty, she’s my lunatic neighbor who hangs out in her yard in a leopard print nightie, hair rollers, fuzzy slippers, and floppy titties. One day, she left a creepy note on my door warning me to stop watching her BY THE BLOOD OF JESUS! The only thing I could figure out was that she had seen my dog Jack looking out the sunroom window, as seen above. If you’re not familiar with Crazy Betty, you can do a search over there in that search thingy for “Crazy Betty” and read about more sightings and her looney shenanigans over the years. I mean, if you want to.


I hadn’t really seen Crazy Betty in over a month. I really never gave it much thought because we’ve had a cold winter (for South Carolina) and it’s been too cold for a nightie. Well, we’ve had a few warmer days lately, in the fifties, and as I was taking the garbage to the Herbie Curbie, there stood Crazy Betty in all her glory half-behind a bush staring at me. I rendered ya’ll a drawing:



Crazy Betty Robe


So in conclusion, the winter fashion line for crazy this season is an opened black mid-calf robe fitted loosely over last year’s polyester knit leopard print negligee. Breasts must swing freely and the hair swept into a “just got dragged behind a car with my rollers in” updo. To complete the ensemble, accessorize with a Bible and a shit load of schizophrenia.

38 Comments
 

38 Responses to Crazy Ass Neighbor Update: Too sexy for a coat.

  1. llama says:

    I’ve got a third date with a new guy this week and I think I have just found my date outfit. You know what they say about the third date. In that outfit, I am guaranteed to get lucky.
    Please know that I have learnt from your life experiences. I confirmed on our first date his most important personality trait – he is not a freedom hating Nazi.
    *** HA! That is very important, though my freedom hating Nazi is kinda sweet. You really should wear this on your date, and don’t forget the pièce de résistance- the fuzzy pink slippers. ~Laura

  2. Larry says:

    Where exactly does one purchase schizophrenia by the shit-load? I’ll pass on the leopard print negligee, nobody wants to see that. Can I use a black leather coat instead of a robe, and is a copy of “Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy” an acceptable substitute for the Bible?
    *** HA! Well, fashion should be individualized. Oh, and about buying schizophrenia, I’ll ask my co-workers, they seem to have found an endless supply. ~Laura

  3. Jennifer says:

    Crazy Betty!! I wondered where she was! You should get a pic of her in her get-up.
    *** Seriously, I don’t want to invade her crazy ass privacy that much. Besides, if she saw a camera pointed towards her no telling what she’d do. Crazy is unpredictable- they’re capabable of anything. ~Laura

  4. garnet says:

    Oh that look will go so well at a job interview I’m going too!
    *** I didn’t know they were hiring where I work. HA! ~Laura

  5. Joe the Blog Stalker says:

    It’s amazing she’s not locked up.
    *** No it’s not. ~Laura

  6. Yabu says:

    Crazy Betty…she probably needs to be painted on the nose of a B-17 Flying Fortress.
    Winter Fashion…is it to early to puke. Damn, you ain’t right…I like that in a woman…schizophrenia that is. I love a challenge.
    Peace, Love, and Understanding.
    Hahaha!!!
    *** HAHA! Have I got a woman for you… ~Laura

  7. Princess says:

    I believe she was locked up at one time and when they closed “Bull St” she was one they turned loose. Very scary stuff. please be careful not to provoke. after all crazy is crazy.
    *** Oh I’m a firm believer you stay away from crazy ( when at all possible.) ~Laura

  8. The Other Crazed Chick says:

    My, but George is looking “Fine” these days. aaaaaaah! He and Johnny really need to visit. or possible we need to take a very long road trip….
    *** George always looks fine. That would be one hell of a road trip, France and Italy. ~Laura

  9. Mary Beth says:

    She stole my look!
    *** HAHA! Go talk to her about it. Ha! ~Laura

  10. hoodyhoo says:

    I was beginning to get worried about Crazy Betty, BY THE BLOOD OF JESUS! She reminds me of the crazy-ass neighbors we used to have who wore prom dresses to Kroger and asked Dear Sweet Mama if she had any men’s underwear they could borrow. I miss them gals.
    *** HA! I’ll loan you Betty. ~Laura

  11. lifeshighwy says:

    oooh, all this time you have not seen Crazy Betty she has been watching you. Perhaps Crazy Betty has a blog and she talks about her lunatic red headed neighbor who has dinosaur, goat, otter and George fetishes.
    Thanks, sounds like a great blog, I’m going to go check it out.
    *** HA! I’d really LOVE to see Betty’s blog. ~Laura

  12. Mr. Bingley says:

    She is TOTALLY hawt!
    *** If you send me your number, I will give it to her for you. Just don’t blame me if your rabbit gets cooked ~Laura

  13. Jena says:

    When you call those Nigerians to check on your investments be sure have them call me. I haven’t heard from them in 7+ years and I’m kinda worried about mine.
    You should worry a lil bit about CB. Cos if she’s dead and it warms up…. you gotta deal with them smells and schedule the day off to ogle all the hawt firemen!
    *** I know right? Man oh man there’s some hawt firemen in this town. I will be sure to ask the Prince about your investment. ~Laura

  14. Shelly says:

    I think I live next door to Betty’s twin sister!
    *** Uh oh. Hide your kids, hide your wife… ~Laura

  15. The Nickster says:

    It will be Lent before long and I think you need to go over and offer a sign of peace and sacrafice. I am thinking a flaming back of Jack’s shit….but you make the call. Just a thought.
    *** HAHA! I like your idea. ~Laura

  16. SB Smith says:

    Gee…with that description, I think I’d want to call police if I saw her outside.
    It’s in the FIFTIES there ?
    Wow, you’ve got a Heat Wave !
    We’re only 100 miles NW of Houston TX and it has only now warmed up to NINETEEN F.
    High of 30 and back down to 15 tonight….then we warm up a little after that for the weekend. For now it’s dry, so at least people aren’t sliding all over the road like idiots. But it won’t be staying dry.
    *** Ya’ll got the bad storm going through- we got the warm air from it’s backside or something. It was 60 this morning, but raining a tad. ~Laura

  17. Erik says:

    A Crazy Betty sighting! This time, with no firemen.
    Had a crazy lady across the street from us when I was a kid, Mrs Louie(she was Japanese, so I have no clue how its spelled). She knocked on our door once when my dad wasn’t home, and basically pushed herself in(I might have been 10 or 11.) She wanted to talk to my dad, so she sits in our living room until he came back. When he comes back, he asks me what she’s doing there, and I told him that she wanted to talk to him. He asks her what she wants, she says soomething, and leaves. Apparently she had a thing for my dad at the time, and was wondering how he felt about her?
    I was told not to let her into the house again, even though she was an adult.(One of those moments when the parents said, “We know we told you to obey adults, but in this case”…)
    *** Never too young to learn about crazy. ~Laura

  18. Jena says:

    I don’t know why I never thought to share Betty’s brother’s location! He lives directly across from us. FACT. His name is Jerry but very few people know it. He insists people call him “Handsome”.
    He will blow his kudzu on holidays and announce the holiday, dance for people and approach ANYONE and ask if they know where he can get some fried lizzard legs or yellow butterfly eyeball soup. I will try to get him to do a gig on video for me to share.
    *** YES! You really should! I will put it up here if you do. Have like a Crazy Neighbor Week. ~Laura

  19. Rita says:

    I don’t know why this has never occurred to me before, but this post gave me an epiphany.
    When you write about Crazy Betty, you are really writing about yourself, aren’t you? It’s suddenly all so clear now. It’s like you have a huge mirror on one side of your property and you are seeing yourself and thinking it’s Crazy Betty.
    Kinda like those old movies where Hailey Mills played her own twin sister.
    I think the next time you are outside and see Crazy Betty you should do some kind of wierd dance, then check to see if she is doing your dance (in reverse of course, it’s a mirror, ya know, like in REDRUM).
    When that happens, you get back with us. I know where I’m placing by bet (and it’s not in Nigeria).
    *** Umm I don’t own any polyester nighties or rollers and my boobs are fabulously non-saggy- so, no, wrong again. ~Laura

  20. Curtal Friar says:

    Yeah, leave the crazy fucks alone. And always keep one eye on them, and always watch your back if there are crazy fucks in your neighborhood.
    I’m sure there were people that thought David Berkowitz was just this funny harmless guy who had a penchant for carrying on conversations with his dog.
    At least until the dog told him to start slaughtering others.
    *** Exactly. And the really sad thing is, there’s not a damn thing you can do about having a crazy fuck taken away. All you can do is stay away from crazy and then wait until a reporter is interviewing you and say “I knew he/she was a crazy fuck, but what can ya do? Nothing.” ~Laura

  21. rdennis says:

    Hmmmm, sounds like my kind of chick! Bring her along when you come visit and look for dino bones. :)
    *** Ha! How ’bout I just ship her there? Ha! ~Laura

  22. Brea says:

    I just keep getting the picture in my head of the crazy bible lady in Edward Scissorhands. BY THE BLOOD OF JESUS! Lurking in the bushes, staring at the neighbors, all the while walking around in skimpy, skanky outfits and carrying a bible?
    Maybe she just needs to get with one of them hawt firemen… Ya think if she got lucky, she might simmah down?
    *** I think she’d probably kill him and cook him up in a pot of crazy. ~Laura

  23. Lauren says:

    Good ol’ Betty. You should have pointed at her and yelled “YOU!” then watched her run.
    *** You mustn’t play with the insane. Much. ~Laura

  24. This post made me remember that I need to put on a bra today. And never take it off again so I don’t become your neighbor. Thank you for that.
    *** HAHA! You’re welcome. ~Laura

  25. Jeffro says:

    Does Crazy Betty go to WallyWorld in that getup? Maybe you won’t have to take a pic of her after all – someone will send it to the People of Wal-Mart website.
    *** Ha! She may already in it, I should look. ~Laura

  26. zonker says:

    Is she single?
    *** I believe she is! Want me to get her number for you? “Cause I will. ~Laura

  27. CGHill says:

    Hear that, George? “Fabulously non-saggy.” And she draws real good, too.
    **** HA! Yeah and I rite real gud too. And i got shiny hair. ~Laura

  28. Tracy says:

    Laura, girl you are soo crazy. But, I think you should watch your back. Especially since she thinks it is you watching her and not your dog.
    *** I know, right? ~Laura

  29. Dear Sweet Mama says:

    Hmmm – she reminds me also of the lady who lived across the street and wore an aluminum foil hat. She was always asking for a ride to the looney bin in town. Now the prom dress ladies, they were nice. And when HoodyHoo was a tot, she used to carry worms from the front garden to the backyard so they could go on vacation. Just saying.
    *** HAHA! That was mighty nice of HoodyHoo. ~Laura

  30. Nicole says:

    Maybe she left the BLOOD OF JESUS note for Jack, thinking he owned the house.
    *** And he does! Ha! ~Laura

  31. Teresa says:

    She has disguised her antennae as rollers and her computer connected to the mother ship in the Bible. If you see a bright light outside your window… don’t look!
    *** Ha! You’re probably right! ~Laura

  32. Jan says:

    Thank T-Rex I don’t have any crazy neighbors. I’m paranoid enough as it is. But only because they really are out to get me…
    *** YOU’RE A CRAZY BETTY!! Ha! ~Laura

  33. mel says:

    I was just wondering, how old do you reckon this woman is?
    *** Hmmm ,it’s hard to tell with crazy cause you don’t want to be looking at them directly for long, but I would guess about 45-50 maybe. ~Laura

  34. Nikki Rules says:

    Hilarious! I met her! Or her crazy half twin sister in Alberta (she travels a lot yo) and she was wearing: a neglige (i told ya it was her twin sis), a cardigan (open), saggy nylons, high heels (the type your old aunt wears), pearls (fake, lots of them), avon make-up (i could tell) and curlers (sponge type, not sure if they were bob). And this was her dig for doing the groceries! AWESOME!
    **** HA! It’s scary to know there’s another one out there. ~Laura

  35. Johnny Utah says:

    I like that drawing! I can just imagine those boobs like two zip lock bags filled with pancake batter.
    *** Ha! I like that description. ~Laura

  36. Jean says:

    I have never heard about such a person in real life. I always just assumed they were “comic relief” stand ins for movies such as The Burbs…. interesting….
    *** Oh no, they exist. The “unmedicated.”~Laura

  37. diane says:

    my new phrase for anyone who i think is a freakshow will now be “crazy betty”. normally i would say something like- “watch out for that crackhead over there” but now: “watch out for that crazy betty over there”.
    *** Yes. It’s “Crazy Betty” or if a male “Crazy Barney” Maybe I watched too much Flintstones growing up, I don’t know. ~Laura

  38. Jena says:

    My crazy neighbor is Jerry. He’s a perfect match for CB. I once saw him lift up his shirt to show some mid school/sophmore age girls his nearly flat stomach and said something like “not bad for an old man”. He’s in his mid 60′s at least. It was very funny.
    ***And pervy. Ha! ~Laura

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