Everyone needs a fleet of flying monkeys to rip the stuffing out of the annoying people in their lives
— Laura
While googling low and no carb foods I discovered whiskey has no carbs so I picked up a bottle of Jack Daniels for the weekend. After having a few shots I turned on the television and there was some show about a man and his dog and it was happy and the man would bicycle around and the dog would happily run beside him wagging his tail. I smiled and took another shot. Then his dog got bone cancer and lost a leg and then the man started talking about knowing the time had come and how he didn’t want his buddy to suffer and he took his dog to the vet and as he was sitting on the floor talking to his dog I started crying. Like, hard. I took another shot to calm down but instead fell over on my side sobbing. I called Jack over to me to tell him he was the bestest dog ever in the whole wide world but after a few seconds he found me annoying and jumped down to go smell the cat’s ass. Feeling dejected I called J and when he picked up I semi-incoherently sobbed “I don’t want Jack to suffer either!” and J was all “What? What’s wrong with Jack?” and I was all “Nothing. He’s smelling Thelma’s ass but he has grey hair and he’s getting old so fast.” J said “Laura, have you been drinking?” I said “Yes, but it has no carbs so I can.” Then he told me he was in the middle of, I don’t know, something about work, but when I hear him mention his work I hear “blah, blah, blah” and I start thinking about nail polish or I’ll search for belly button lint until he stops talking. So I waited for him to stop talking and said “Jack is getting greyer, and they’re destroying mummies in Egypt!” He was all “Who’s destroying the mummies, Laura?” all mockingly-like, like he was setting me up or some shit and I said “The French. I think. It’s always the fucking French.” Then he hung up on me and I went looking for Jack to tell him he was the bestest dog ever in the whole wide world but he was in the den humping a pillow that had fallen on the floor like he was fucking French or something.
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31 Responses to Wherein I alienate all my French readers whilst in a drunken stupor.
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Ahhh Yes! I have been on a couple of those trips with Ole “Jackie D”. It ain’t pretty.. … How’s your head this morning?
*** I’ fine. Apparently being on low carb, you don’tin and hold the liquor in your body Ha! ~Laura
No Carbs in Wiskey? Im likin this diet….
*** It’s very doable indeed. ~Laura
another benefit from drinking is that when you wake up in the morning your face and eyes are all swollen and all your wrinkles are gone. Better than Botox… lots more fun!
*** Well now, I don’t know about all that, I ususally just look pale. I mean, paler than usual. ~Laura
Ahhhhh…I too have fallen under the influence of JD and humped many a pillow….. Go Jack!
*** HAHA! Umm he wasn’t drinking. ~Laura
LOL! Damn that Jack!
*** I know, right?! ~Laura
Actually the French shot the nose off the Sphinx. That just stinx. It was the evil, shrieking children of the desert who were the destroyers, and that’s why mummy drinks, kids.
I had to. Don’t hate me.
*** Fuckers. ~Laura
LOL! Thanks for starting my Monday morning out laughing.
*** I’m glad you all can laugh at my stupid drunk antics. ~Laura
Poor Jack, being chased around by a crying “love ya man” drunk lady.
*** HAHA! I know, right?! ~Laura
ohmygawd I love you! I also tend to get drunkenly depressed over things on the TV and NO ONE UNNERSTANSH ME NEITHER! Poor mummies!
*** I KNOW!!! not evenmy dog will listen to me! ~Laura
When I get drunk I blame the French too!
*** HA! Crazy isn’t it? ~Laura
Hmmm… snort..chuckle… How the hell do you remember all that when you’re drunk?
Yes, I don’t drink. I have that Jap thing heritage I inherited.
J hung up on YOU?
The fucking unsympathetic that Jack sniffed Thelma’s but instead of tolerating your drunk hugging NAZI!
Awesome way to start a Monday!
*** I always remember everything when I drink. At least I think I do. J always hangs up on me, but that’s okay because I hang up on him too. ~Laura
We must get Jack and Stretch together. I know there are mummies buried on the Stretchengeti. We’ll do shots and get drunk while they dig ‘em up. Then we’ll sell ‘em to the French and retire.
*** HAHA! Sounds like a deal. ~Laura
Who cares about the French anyway. Their food is full of carbs and so is wine. Plus I think they invented Mimes and if they didn’t they might have well have.
*** OH MY GOD Mimes. I had forgotten (due to years of therapy) about the mimes. ~Laura
“so I picked up a bottle of Jack Daniels for the weekend.”
Well there’s your problem, Laura. JD is bourbon–they have to call it Tennessee whiskey because it’s not made in Kentucky. Bourbon = French. Next time get some single malt whisky, watch Braveheart, and go hack up the vet with a claymore. You won’t have any more pansy French nightmares, you’ll be too busy raping and pillaging.
*** HAHA! Sounds like fun. ~Laura
Need to remember, Drunken Laura is fun Laura!
Please, come drink with me!
*** Oh lawd. ~Laura
You must love the letter “J”
*** I like F better. Ha! ~Laura
Hmmm…you know you’ve really had too much to drink, and probably of some really nasty stuff, when whoever’s on the tv starts conversing with you.
*** Ummm..has that happened to you? Ha! ~Laura
Too bad I don’t drink alcohol. I could use a shot or three right now…
*** Uh oh, a bad Monday? ~Laura
My dog runs from me when I’m drunk and want to tell her she’s the best dog ever too!! lol
*** Yeah, it’s like they find us ridiculous. They’re pretty smart. Ha! ~Laura
Oh I can’t stand watching sad shit on tv when I’m drinking.
*** It’s a disaster waiting to happen. ~Laura
Do you have many French readers in drunken stupors?
…sorry…
Any time I am sitting in front of the computer and start cackling like a crazed loon but boy calls from wherever he is in the house, “What did Laura say this time?”
The whole mummy thing makes me sad.
*** I probably do- the French in drunk stupor thing. Aren’t they always? Ha!~Laura
I sent your post to my homies (not the depends wearing mothball smelly ones) but my french cop homies, they’re coming over to kick your ass! But don’t worry about your dog, they’re gonna take good care of him (after they deliver him to me). Mais oui! C’est comme ça
)
*** HAHA! I will fend them off with a feather duster! Ha! Girl, I dated a French dude and it was a running joke with us that I blame the French for everything. ~Laura
Awwwwww. My wiener dog is so old and grey and now he has cancer and is starting to suffer so I have to put him down soon too.
*** OH NO. I’m sorry Mel. How old is he? That’s just terrible. ~Laura
But WE are to blame for everything… like good wine, tasty croissants, great baguettes, hairy armpits, Amelie (best movie ever) oh and you can forget about the french fries. They’re not french. They’re freedom! haha
)
**** Mmmm french fries. ~Laura
Started bad, but ended pretty good, so you can call off the cops… err shots… err wait, what?
*** Ha! I’m glad it got better. ~Laura
So Jack would prefer the cat’s ass to your drunk ass?? I’m shocked!
*** Ha! I know, right?! ~Laura
As Robin Williams once said: “If alcohol is a crutch, Jack Daniel’s is the wheelchair.”
**** HAHAHA! Love it. ~Laura
OMG! Laura. I can’t stop laughing! I laughed so hard I started crying.
*** You’re only laughing so hard because you know this is so ME. AND you didn’t call this weekend. Tsk tsk. ~Laura
Jack is the best dog ever in the whole wide world!
*** You must be drinking. I kid, he is a good dog, in his own way. ~Laura
I am like this when I drink JD, all weeping and chasing my dogs around to tell them they rock. lol
*** I bet Jack hides my bottle. ~Laura
Well, I think he’s about 12. Which isn’t really all that old considering my oldest dog is 17. I just expect her to pass in her sleep any day now, but she’s not suffering from anything the I know of. But poor old Oscar, at 12 he seems more like 17 because he really is sick. Damn. I really have to do this soon. For him. Right?
*** Always think of them. ~Laura