Everyone needs a fleet of flying monkeys to rip the stuffing out of the annoying people in their lives
— Laura
Friday List of Random Shit I’ve Thought About This Week
1. When I was a kid not only did we never wear a helmet when we rode a bike, but we had chains that would come off when we were going down hills at 64.4 MPH and when the chain went there were no brakes so we’d simply crash into someone’s yard or car. I never heard of another kid getting killed or permanently maimed from this, just a few scars.
2. They say you’re supposed to seriously think about worst-case scenarios in life and how you’ll react. So I’ve decided if I ever wake up and find that I’ve shrunk down to about a inch tall, I’m going to find a bag of Fritos Scoops and use one of them as a really cool recliner type chair, and my table is going to be one of those little white table-looking things that come in pizza boxes.
3. Ever notice that you brake when you see a car with empty ski/luggage racks on their roof driving towards you because they look like cops? Do people driving these cars know this and snicker? Assholes.
4. I’ve seen enough prison movies to know if I ever get put on chain gang duty along a hot Mississippi highway I’m going to ask the boss if I can be assigned to the Black & Decker leaf blower instead of one of those slingblades.
5. Here in the South you don’t “push” buttons, you “mash them.” That’s right, you don’t push elevator buttons, you mash ‘em. We mash potatoes too. Mmm potatoes.
6. The only time I want to see a co-worker’s boobs, or anyone’s boobs for that matter, is if she has a third nipple, because that would be totally weird and I like weird shit, so if you don’t have a third nipple cover those things up. It’s not a strip club. That’s my second job.
7. I remember when Jheri curls were big and there was Afro Sheen all over everything everywhere. On doorknobs, on the backs of chairs, seriously everywhere. I don’t miss Afro-Sheen.
8. A reader named Zonker made my day yesterday when he sent me this pic in honor of my appointing myself the Amish Ambassador of the Amish Underground Railroad. Pure awesomeness.
Well, obviously there’s an English teacher in Lincoln Park.
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31 Responses to Just when you thought it was safe to read my blog on Friday, I start another Friday List of Random Shit. You’re welcome.
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YAY! A Friday Random Crap List!
Oh God, I remember crashing on my boke so much as a kid if was like a was hexed or something! lol Great list- and THAT is an awesome hysterical pic!
*** It makes me lol every time I look at it. (I just tested that- I looked at it again and I loled.) ~Laura
Oh the plague of Afro Sheen. Let’s hope it never returns.
*** I know, right? I can still remember the smell of it. Ha! ~Laura
You’re lucky you didn’t commute into NYC via train or subway in those Sheen days of Yore. Man, that stuff was on every headrest of every seat, plus all the windows.
Worked wonders for my posture, it did.
*** HAHA! Oh man, it was completely out of control wasn’t it? ~Laura
Thank you so much for finally explaning another use of those little white thingies in pizza boxes. they are so cute, I always pick them up and say “hmmm what coulld I use these for”? I’ll need some chairs thou…..hmmmmm
*** Fritos. ~Laura
I hate those fucking ski racks at night… behind me… It take me twice as long to get home…
*** Fuckers! I bet they don’t even ski! ~Laura
OMG.. a RFC list. you made my morning.have a great day! You Rock! XOXOXOXOXO
*** You have a great day, and thank you. ~Laura
The chain gang leaf blower thing made me laugh and my co-workers looked at me like I was crazy, not that that’s different mind you. Great list and great pic from Zonker, Ambassador!
*** Ha! Thanks. ~Laura
1. Never worn a bicycle helmet either, and I have the scars to prove it.
2. I’ve always wondered about those white table-looking pizza box things. Now I know…thanks.
3. All the time
4. I did two days on a road side chain gang with no chains. There was a shotgun though. White guy found a dead snake and threw it at a black guy. Talk about a fight, thought I was gonna heat the blast.
5. We also drink Mash.
6. No comment, I’m a boy dog.
7. Afro-Sheen is also good for lubricating your lawn mower.
8. If we’re ever in a soundproof room that has been swept for bugs, I’ll tell you some stories about my buddy Zonker.
*** Do tell. ~Laura
I really like your lists and I like that Amish Antoine pic.
*** Isn’t it grat? ~Laura
Epic Awesomeness!
1. No shit. Look how we turned out. We are just FINE. We know how to take a hit and roll with it.
2. Get back to you on that. Gotta think of my WCS.
3. N/A, I don’t drive.
4. I don’t think they would do that for you. You sure do have a purty mouth.
5. And we mash them repeatedly. It makes things move faster.
6. Uh, NO. Remember Chandler Bing? That grossed me out.
7. Shudders, now I am remembering/smelling. It coats the mouth with sheen. Like walking into the hair when someone sprayed hairspray.
8. Bows to Zonker’s timely awesomeness. The caption is dah bomb man!
*** Ain’t it though? ~Laura
Now Im gonna start asking everyone I see with a ski rack if they really do! Bastards!
*** Yeah! And let me know what those bastards say! Ha! ~Laura
I’m glad you enjoyed the pic, Laura. Don’t believe Yabu’s tales, though. And any photos he may or may not have are fakes.
**** Oooooo photographic proof eh? ~Laura
You’re right, I never heard of any kid getting killed or maimed from a bike when I was a kid. Hit by car maybe- but no helmet or knee pad would help them there.
*** See, I never heard of any either. Bruises, cuts, and a few broken bones- usually wrists. ~Laura
I always imagine worst case scenarios for everything. This might explain why I carry a machete all the time, and not just because it looks supercool as H accuses. Silly H. He’ll be singing a different tune once I chop up a zombie and/or coworker or two.
*** I have a few you can practice on : ) ~Laura
We didn’t need a freaking helmet. With everything they say will(should) have killed us today, it’s a wonder anyone survived. I think it’s just natures way of thining the weaker ones from the herd.
*** We made the cut! ~Laura
OK, so who else thinks that Amish dude totally looks like Donald Trump with a brillo pad??
*raises hand and takes another drink*
*** HA! He does! You’re fired! Well, not you, but you know what I mean. ~Laura
I hate those ski racks. They spoil everything.
What’s up with the leaf blower? I’m not following you there (it’s Friday – my brain is fried. Get it – FRIed on FRIday? I slay me!)
Anyhoo, if you’re thinking of using the leaf blower like a fan, think again. The sucker blows hot (well, warm) air. My nephew uses one to blow-dry his Great Dane after her bath. Stupid dog thinks it’s WONDERFUL to be pampered with the leaf blower.
*** Nah, I’m just thinking it would be easier than swinging a slingblade, uh huh <– Bad Billy Bob Thornton impression. ~Laura
I know what you mean about bike helmets. No one wore them when I was a kid. I never had a bad bike accident, but I did get really messed up on one of those scooter things. It wasn’t a snazzy electronic one like the lazy kids these days have. You pushed it with your foot. Anyway, I fell over and tore a hunk off of my ankle on the concrete. I have a nice scar to show for it.
*** Oh man, ankle injuries were the worse! I was forever scrapping my knees. As a matter of fact in all my childhood memories I have scabs on my knees! And of course now, I have scars. ~Laura
I have actually hit close to 64.4 mph on a bicycle – down the side of a mountain in the middle of the night, because I am a moron – but I didn’t lose the chain until the next day, when it got itself wrapped around one pant leg.
*** And you didn’t get killed! Oh God, the chain in the pants leg trauma- I would put rubber bands around my pants legs to hold them down, then wonder why I had a red mark around my legs for hours. Ha! ~Laura
I don’t miss Jheri curl stains either!
*** They were nasty weren’t they? ~Laura
Mmmm – ‘ta-toes, boil ‘em, mash ‘em, stick ‘em in a stew!
Oh, wait, Atkins – no ‘ta-toes for you!
Actually, down here they are taters, but you already knew that.
*** Mmm taters… ~Laura
Never wore a bike helmet, and it was hands, elbows and knees that took the worst damage from my bike wrecks.
I have one of those luggage rack thingies on my Baja, it was standard equipment. I can’t think of anywhere that uses a Subaru Baja as a police car. No I don’t ski. All of you people slowing down in front of me are really irritating.
*** HAHA! Now you know why. ~Laura
Zonker is my new love. I have every intention to track him down and stalk him like I do you… no, I didn’t mean that.
We mash buttons here too, I hate it. I am the mash correction queen.
*** I bet he’d love to be stalked…I am the most boring person in the world to stalk. I will invite you in and ask you to clean my house too. Speaking of Southern talk- do you have “case quarters” there too? ~Laura
Frito chairs… I love it! If you ever need to move you can grind it up in the garbage disposal and buy a new bag full for the next place. Gives you lots of chairs for parties too.
Oh and Zonker is the best. Really. I’ve met him.
*** I would probably be eating my furniture alot too. Zonker rocks in my book. ~Laura
Those ski racks can seriously harsh my mellow when I’m trying to drive a safe 90mph.
In my family, we refer to a ski rack car as a car “with a hat on.”
Say you’re jammin’ along going 90, and you see one of those things coming, so you slam on because you think it’s a cop. But then, you realize it’s just Mr. Ski Rack harshing your mellow, so you say “Damn! It was just a car with a hat on!!”
*** Motherfuckers and their damn hats! ~Laura
I don’t think I know what little white table things in pizza boxes you’re talking about.
** Really? They don’t have them in the pizza boxes delivered there? They keep the box from falling on the pizza- I guess that’s why they’re there. ~Laura
As to random item #1, that’s what you have hands for, to catch your fall. If you don’t have hands you shouldn’t be riding a bike. Well, I guess if you ride a unicycle you can’t use hands whether you have them or not. So okay, if you don’t have hands and you ride a bicycle or a unicycle you might benefit from a helmet. But anything else is just supremely unnecessary and makes you look like a total nerd. Case in point, check this out if you haven’t already seen our feckless leader on a bicycle: http://weaselzippers.us/wp-content/uploads/2010/08/Obama-riding-a-bike.jpg
As for item #2 don’t wear white pants and sit down. The grease stains are a killer.
I really like your blog, Laura.
*** Thanks, Annie. ~Laura
I rode my bike to school from 4th to 6th grade. One mile each way. (We moved before 7th grade and then it was too far to do that anymore.) Thank God the helmets and all that other shit didn’t exist then. No injuries for me or anyone I knew that rode their bikes to school. Paraphrasing Jeff Foxworthy: “Aw, let him pull the tv over on his head – he won’t do it again.” South lingo (TX): My FIL says “Cut off that light.” or with a rag in his hand: “let me wrench this out first.”….also “warsh” for wash. But he’s the only native Texan I know who says things that way.
*** Ahh yes, they say warsh here too. ~Laura
1. I’m convinced they’re making kids more fragile these days — and not the good kind of fragile that means it’s Italian.
2.Isn’t that what those little white tables are for? And Frito Scoops make good boats, but only for short trips.
3.They have to know, and they are, therefore, assholes.
4. I am always worried I will inadvertently kill another inmate with my slingblade and then what will become of me?
5. And if someone else has hit it first, they have “already done mashed it.”
6. You really wanna see it?
7. Now I keep thinking about Sexual Chocolate from “Coming to America.”
8. WHATCHOO GONNA DO ‘BOUT IT, JEDEDIAH?
*** HAHA! All EXCELLENT responses. Ha! ~Laura
1. Not only did I not wear a helmet, I often rode my bike wearing shorts as well, and most weeks I had the scrapes to show it when I went screaming down the street and hit a spot of gravel and slid out. I also had mishaps caused by when the chain came off. But what I hated the most was when I was getting used to riding a ten-speed and I forgot that the brakes were on the handle instead of pushing the pedal backwards, and when I stepped down on the pedal to stop myself, the pedal came flying backwards and embedded itself into my shin. That always hurt like a bastard.
*** Oh man, I remember that too. Ouchie. ~Laura