Friday List of Random Shit I’ve Thought About This Week
1. When I was a kid not only did we never wear a helmet when we rode a bike, but we had chains that would come off when we were going down hills at 64.4 MPH and when the chain went there were no brakes so we’d simply crash into someone’s yard or car. I never heard of another kid getting killed or permanently maimed from this, just a few scars.
2. They say you’re supposed to seriously think about worst-case scenarios in life and how you’ll react. So I’ve decided if I ever wake up and find that I’ve shrunk down to about a inch tall, I’m going to find a bag of Fritos Scoops and use one of them as a really cool recliner type chair, and my table is going to be one of those little white table-looking things that come in pizza boxes.
3. Ever notice that you brake when you see a car with empty ski/luggage racks on their roof driving towards you because they look like cops? Do people driving these cars know this and snicker? Assholes.
4. I’ve seen enough prison movies to know if I ever get put on chain gang duty along a hot Mississippi highway I’m going to ask the boss if I can be assigned to the Black & Decker leaf blower instead of one of those slingblades.
5. Here in the South you don’t “push” buttons, you “mash them.” That’s right, you don’t push elevator buttons, you mash ‘em. We mash potatoes too. Mmm potatoes.
6. The only time I want to see a co-worker’s boobs, or anyone’s boobs for that matter, is if she has a third nipple, because that would be totally weird and I like weird shit, so if you don’t have a third nipple cover those things up. It’s not a strip club. That’s my second job.
7. I remember when Jheri curls were big and there was Afro Sheen all over everything everywhere. On doorknobs, on the backs of chairs, seriously everywhere. I don’t miss Afro-Sheen.
8. A reader named Zonker made my day yesterday when he sent me this pic in honor of my appointing myself the Amish Ambassador of the Amish Underground Railroad. Pure awesomeness.
Well, obviously there’s an English teacher in Lincoln Park.31 Comments