Everyone needs a fleet of flying monkeys to rip the stuffing out of the annoying people in their lives

— Laura

It’s good to be a hypochondriac who knows she’s a hypochondriac because when I think I’m dying, I know I’m not, only I don’t.

By Laura On January 7, 2011 · 37 Comments

I called my dermatologist’s office yesterday because I think I have leprosy and I spoke to his receptionist to make an appointment as soon as possible. She asked me what was the problem and I told her something was wrong with my skin and it may or may not be leprosy but I’d like a professional opinion. There was a long moment of silence and I said “Hello?” and she said “Leprosy?” and I said “Yes, that’s right, like in the Bible.” Then she said “Is this Miss Ledford?” and I said “Yes.” Weird. Then she asked me if I could come in Monday and I told her that if that was the first appointment available I guess that would have to do but I may or may not be bringing in baggies with fallen body parts with me. She let out a nervous laugh, then got my phone number and gave me an appointment time.

A short time later my phone rang and when I picked it up it was my dermatologist! He asked me what was wrong and I told him my entire skin was all itchy and blotchy and it may be leprosy. He laughed and said “Well, at least it’s not food melanoma this time.” (He was referring to the multiple times I made appointments with him suspecting melanoma then discovered it was a food crumb stuck to me. This may or may not have happened a few times last year.) I said no, this was different and he said “So nothing is ‘falling off’?” and I said “No, not yet, why? Oh my God, can it?” He said he seriously doubted it and to use lotion and take some Benadryl if it gets too itchy and he’ll see me Monday. Just in case, I stopped at the grocery store after work and picked up a box of Ziploc Sandwich Bags.

37 Comments

37 Responses to It’s good to be a hypochondriac who knows she’s a hypochondriac because when I think I’m dying, I know I’m not, only I don’t.

DogsDontPurr says:

January 7, 2011 at 5:13 am

OMG…I think I have leprosy too! (Probably got it from reading some blog…hmmm…)
But did you know that there is some small village in Africa where African ladies collect rare seeds that have been pooped out by GOATS, and they press those seeds into some miraculous oil that cures EVERYTHING (even leprosy!)…and Bergdorf Goodman sells it!?! I kid you not:
http://tinyurl.com/2b73qgu
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Argan_oil
Of course, I had to go and buy me some (I’m a sucker like that. Or a martyr for the cause…either way.) If a miracle occurs and all my ills are cured, I’ll report back.
*** YES- report back! I need as many miracle cures as possible. I wonder if it cures rabies too.. oh but to dream… ~Laura

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Holly says:

January 7, 2011 at 5:14 am

Maybe try poking your rash with stick science, if nothing falls off then you should be fine. That’s all the doctor will do it’s just their sticks are less “i picked this off a tree” and more “i got this from the medical supplies cabinet”
*** PLUS they charge an arm and a leg! Get it? An arm and a leg? Ha! I crack me up. ~Laura

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Jennifer says:

January 7, 2011 at 6:02 am

LMAO!! Thanks, I needed that laugh this morning.
*** You shouldn’t laugh at leprosy. ~Laura

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Princess says:

January 7, 2011 at 6:08 am

Good Lord! I hope you got the gallon bags! Monday’s a long way off!
*** Actually I got yard bags. Ha! ~Laura

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garnet says:

January 7, 2011 at 6:09 am

LOL! I’m always thinking I have some weird diseases too.
*** I probably do. ~Laura

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Richelle says:

January 7, 2011 at 6:18 am

I hope your readers realize that this is EXACTLY the things you say to people. That I am sure you didn’t make that conversation up.
*** You have to make life fun and interesting, even when you’re suffering from a biblical disease, Richelle. ~Laura

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Blue says:

January 7, 2011 at 7:00 am

Sorry to hear about your leprosy. I had that once.I didn’t go to the doc right away cuz I was hoping my fat would fall off first… no such luck!
*** HAHA! Of all my diseases and conditions, real or imagined, I’ve ever had- I’ve never gotten anorexia. I must be immune. Dammit. ~Laura

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LeeAnn says:

January 7, 2011 at 7:20 am

Just remember to get the good ziploc bags and not the generic ones, as you don’t want to leave bits of you on the bus. Not for free. You can sell those on Ebay, you know.
Also, I just learned you can get leprosy from armadillos. Seriously! So that kind of puts my Learn To Juggle Armadillos course at Learning Annex in jeopardy, if word gets out and all. And I need the money because, as you probably know, ziploc bags are not cheap.
*** Not the name brand ones anyway. And eek on the armadillos. Do you know too I just learned that we have them in South Carolina! I am shocked I tell you! I have never seen one in person. Even in my travels out west and down south. ~Laura

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Mr. Bingley says:

January 7, 2011 at 7:22 am

Wow, the receptionist has ESP and knew it was you!
Amazing!
*** I KNOW!! But maybe it’s because I’m in there like every month. Or maybe my awesomeness is notorious! Yeah. All my doctors know of my awesomeness. I’m sure it’s documented in my files. ~Laura

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lifeshighwy says:

January 7, 2011 at 7:29 am

You had better go back to the store and get a bunch of gauze cause you know you can’t be an affective leper without bunches of gauze and rags hanging off your body.
*** Ooooo good idea. Props. ~Laura

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Tink says:

January 7, 2011 at 7:38 am

I’m surprised they answered the phone at all… I mean with caller ID and all!
*** I know, right? Sometimes I will sneak and look at my records as the doctor sets them down and leaves the room and I am always shocked there’s not some kind of warning label alerting them. ~Laura

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One crazed chick says:

January 7, 2011 at 8:11 am

Wow..I didn’t know my leprosy was contagious! I must have thrown some your way when we went to Paula’s. Sorry about that.
Now, how do you get the doctors to leave the chart in the room? Mine always take it with them. You reckon it’s because there are alerts in them??
*** On yours- I’m certain of it. Probably a sticker of a head with a forefinger making circles beside it’s temple. Ha! ~Laura

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Yabu says:

January 7, 2011 at 8:34 am

Miss Ledford, you ain’t right…I like that. Stable women are a challenge, and I’m from the South.
A professional opinion is always in order.
*** Indeed. Especially when it’s Bible diseases. ~Laura

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The Nickster says:

January 7, 2011 at 8:45 am

It’s probably just a tumor…get over it.
*** IT’S NOT A TUMAH! ~Laura

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Jena says:

January 7, 2011 at 8:57 am

No! Did you really call and say that? for reals?!
*** Yes. For reals. ~Laura

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rdennis says:

January 7, 2011 at 10:13 am

Man! Your fun. Too bad George is allergic to Leprosy.
Sounds more like Scabies to me. You could dip yourself and not bother with the doctor, or better yet, go to a veterinarian. They went to school and know as much or more than people doctors and don’t charge nearly as much. And probably know a lot more about these type of things. ‘Sides, they wouldn’t know you so they could start from scratch and really do a thorough work up on you. Remember to take them a fresh fecal sample. They always want on of those.I hear that is what George does.
*** My vet charges more. No copays. Sounds like you’re mighty smart in the ways of seeing a vet. Not enough medical doctors in your part of the Dakotas? ~Laura

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Erik says:

January 7, 2011 at 10:34 am

“It puts the lotion on its skin or else it gets the hose again.” Wisdom in that quote.
Just went to the eye doctor this morning myself. God, I hate the “place your chin here so we can blow air into your eyeball”! That must have been how they tortured people back in the Middle Ages. That, or “The Machine” in the Princess Bride, which was probably the prototype for the air in the eyeball device.
*** HA! I’m always “OH SHIT” and blinking like a mofo and bouncing my head around like a pointy stick is coming at me. ~Laura

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Brea says:

January 7, 2011 at 10:57 am

Leprosy mutated from rabies is some bad shit.
Better make sure you get the gallon-size freezer bags, with the double zip, just to make sure, hate to have you lose something important on the way to the docs, and have it fall out in a cab, or something.
Cabbies don’t know stick science, they just hose it all out at the end of the day, and there’d be your bits, floating down into the gutters. Sad.
*** HAHA! DAMN. I hate to think of my bits going down some sewer drain. I’ll get lawn and leaf bags. Just in case. ~Laura

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zonker says:

January 7, 2011 at 12:13 pm

I’ve had leprosy before. It seems I caught it from some flying monkeys. Laughed my ass off, I did.
*** Ha! If only I could direct what fell off. It probably would be my ass. ~Laura

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Heather says:

January 7, 2011 at 12:29 pm

LOL! I think I have leprosy too.
*** You should see a professional about it. ~Laura

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Cinny says:

January 7, 2011 at 1:30 pm

I get food melanoma all the time.
*** Sadly I do too. ~Laura

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Jena says:

January 7, 2011 at 1:37 pm

BWWAAHahahaa @ Zonker!
@ Laura, is your Dr cute? depending on where the food cancer scare was.. well you can see where this is going…
@ Richelle, email me all her crazy stories from your perspective!
*** He’s a’ight looking. No George Clooney. ~Laura

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patti says:

January 7, 2011 at 2:09 pm

Notorious RHL! Ha! giggle

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One Crazed Chick says:

January 7, 2011 at 2:20 pm

I once told told the urologist that I was having prostate problems, he told me it wasn’t possible cuz I was a female. LOL…I made him check just in case.
*** Oh lawd. Did you have to bend over? ~Laura

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MorningGlory says:

January 7, 2011 at 2:21 pm

Think carefully about the recommendation to go to a veterinarian. The last time we took our Great Dane there, he wanted us to get a urine sample.
Did you ever try to get a urine sample from a dog? A female fricken’ GREAT DANE? I can still see my sister, in her robe and pink fuzzy slippers, following the dog around the yard at O-Dark-Thirty in the morning, with a styrofoam cup in a bent-clothes-hangar holder thingy (kind of like stick science, but with styrofoam).
Every time the poor dog would try to squat, Sis would stick the cup under her to try to catch a sample. Poor Duchess would be all like “What the fuck? Get away from me you freak weirdo!” and run off. This went on for days and days. We finally gave up and just took her to a different veterinarian, who gave us some pills to clear up a urinary tract infection without requiring a sample first.
The point is, veterinarians can sometimes be demanding sonsabitches, and expect the impossible. Fact.
*** Those sonsabitches! I used to be a vet tech in my youth. I caught many a sample. ~Laura

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One Crazed Chick says:

January 7, 2011 at 2:50 pm

and cough!!
*** Ha! ~Laura

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CGHill says:

January 7, 2011 at 4:30 pm

This is probably not the time for me to slide into my McCartney imitation:
“Leprosy,
There are pieces falling off of me,
I’m not half the man I used to be,
Oh, I believe in leprosy.”
*** HAHAHA! THAT was excellent! ~Laura

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Seagram says:

January 7, 2011 at 4:59 pm

I bet all your doctors remember you.
*** I think so. ~Laura

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Jena says:

January 7, 2011 at 5:25 pm

@ Seagram.. I bet they call each other before and after her appts too!
*** Ha! Not really. ~Laura

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Miss Nikki says:

January 7, 2011 at 5:53 pm

Eeks, does that mean that my self diagnosed skin cancer on my cheek may be leprosy because birds are falling from the sky, and the world is coming to an end we’re bringing back diseases from bible days? Can your doc squeeze me in too?
*** I will ask him. And yes, it sounds like leprosy alright. ~Laura

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Nicole says:

January 7, 2011 at 8:10 pm

You just slay me, girl. I love this place.
*** Well thank you for reading my crazy shit. ~Laura

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Jan says:

January 7, 2011 at 8:31 pm

Is there any pus? I can handle anything except pus.
*** OH MY GOD no pus, just itchy. I would go to the ER if there were pus. ~Laura

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Kim says:

January 7, 2011 at 9:54 pm

Frothing? Coincidence? I think not. Can you get rabies from the internets? Are your leprosy parts like pink or yellow or brown and what are their measurements? Are they like 2 inches by 1/4 inch? Just left of the elbow? Do they come and go? Do they dance to and fro? Just asking. Not that I need to know or anything.
*** Uh oh, sounds like you better make an appointment. ~Laura

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Dear Sweet Mama says:

January 7, 2011 at 10:27 pm

Are you sure you are not my daughter? Have you ever had the Ebola?
*** OH MY GOD just last year! ~Laura

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Janene Murphy says:

January 8, 2011 at 1:32 am

Ziploc bags for things falling off you? You know those bags are supposed to seal in the freshness, but I’m betting grody body parts probably aren’t that fresh to begin with. Save yourself some money and just buy the fold over kind. Just sayin’.
**** HAHA! Thanks for the tip! I like saving money. ~Laura

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Quent says:

January 8, 2011 at 1:06 pm

That doctor can laugh all he wants. He should know that redheads have very delicate skin. My Mom used to call it ‘Scotch-Irish’ skin. The time you don’t check will be the time it will be skin cancer, with a one-in-ten chance of killing you.
It must be nice to have a business where you can laugh at your clients.
*** YEAH! Actually he’s a good doctor and a very nice man.~Laura

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SB Smith says:

January 8, 2011 at 4:48 pm

“Food Melanoma”…..
LOL
In 4th grade, back when they had us writing with cheap fountain pens before we were allowed to have ballpoints in 6th grade, I had a Sheaffer pen with a washable blue ink cartridge. I wondered what it tasted like (it was labeled non-toxic)….and I had a blue tongue the rest of the day. I didn’t drink it…only tasted it. My mom was a little concerned but I didn’t get sick or anything.
DH, J., and I discovered if you eat black icing that’s on cookies or whatever…your poop will be hunter/forest green.
Good to know so you won’t freak out in the future after eating black icing around Halloween or whenever.
*** Ha! Thanks for warning me! ~Laura

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