Everyone needs a fleet of flying monkeys to rip the stuffing out of the annoying people in their lives

— Laura

When J and I talk about world events I notice that a little vein pops out on the side of his head. I don’t know what that’s all about, but he really should get that looked at.

By Laura On January 6, 2011 · 34 Comments

Me: “Did you hear about the birds falling dead out of the sky in Arkansas and a bunch of fish dying in the lakes?”

J: “Yes. They say the birds may have been frightened by fireworks and flown into buildings and stuff and a temperature drop killed the fish.”

Me: “Nah. I think God slapped ‘em down and then choked the fish. It’s part of the Seven Signs of the Apocalypse. As a matter of fact, I bet they’re all part of the final sign now that I think about it.”

J: [rolls eyes] “Did you learn that in Catholic school?

Me: “No, movies.”

J: “Oh well, then it must be true.”

Me: “Don’t mock me. The world’s going to end this year I bet. Some say on May 21 even though the Mayans say December 21 of 2012, I’m bettin’ it’s in May. The Mayans got lazy and just said ‘fuck it, this calendar shit is hard, let’s stop.’ I mean who is going to be around to complain, right?”

J: “Good Lord, Laura. What are you going to do? Go stand on some street corner holding a sign warning people?”

Me: “Like I care about warning other people. Dude, I want to get more credit cards and run them all up. Finally get a Michael Kors purse too. I swear to God, sometimes it’s like you’ve never met me before.”

34 Comments

34 Responses to When J and I talk about world events I notice that a little vein pops out on the side of his head. I don’t know what that’s all about, but he really should get that looked at.

Holly says:

January 6, 2011 at 5:40 am

Is another sign of the apocalypse dead squirrels?
*** I’ve never seen that in a movie…but it just may be. ~Laura

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Jennifer says:

January 6, 2011 at 5:57 am

LOL! I really want to know when it’s gong to end so I can go shopping too!
*** I know, right? And eat lots and lots of bacon and Circus Peanuts. ~Laura

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garnet says:

January 6, 2011 at 6:13 am

I would run up my credit cards buying Coach purses. lol
*** And bacon. ~Laura

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Joe the Blog Stalker says:

January 6, 2011 at 6:30 am

I’m going to buy bacon and a motocycle but no helmet.
*** That sounds likea plan. I guess. ~Laura

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lifeshighwy says:

January 6, 2011 at 6:58 am

I’m heading to the Cheesecake Factory. And I might want to get a better umbrella if dead stuff is going to be dropping down from the sky.
*** Both are excellent ideas. ~Laura

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Holly says:

January 6, 2011 at 7:00 am

Earthquakes are signs right, we’ve had earthquakes here, well not here, northwards from here, but still, EARTHQUAKES!
*** THE END IS NEAR< SO SHOPPING! ~Laura

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Princess says:

January 6, 2011 at 7:09 am

Wow! I just got a new Credit Card with a $5000 limit! I’m in! no Circus Peanuts though, just thinking about those makes me kinda sick!
*** Whoa! Let’s go shopping! Don’t worry, I won’t make you eat Circus Peanuts. ~Laura

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Tad says:

January 6, 2011 at 7:10 am

Lobster! I want Lobster!
*** With a bucket of melted butter on the side! And bacon. ~Laura

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Johnny Depp says:

January 6, 2011 at 7:13 am

I want to meet and marry Princess. that would mean more than anything to me!
*** HAHA! ~Laura

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Tink says:

January 6, 2011 at 7:15 am

Mmmm! 12-21-12? So I still have time to lose weight? that was my New Years Res.
*** Who’d want to if you have limited time? Not I! ~Laura

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Yabu says:

January 6, 2011 at 7:24 am

I guess I should get busy firing my bullet stash, and take another trip to Lamanai.
*** And eat lots of bacon. ~Laura

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Mr. Bingley says:

January 6, 2011 at 7:36 am

You’d better get to California while you still can, then.
*** I KNOW!!!! ~Laura

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Tink says:

January 6, 2011 at 7:38 am

Me either! I was being rreeeallllyyy facetious. I’m up for bacon and lobster!
*** Now you’re talking. ~Laura

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Joan of Argghh! says:

January 6, 2011 at 7:49 am

Now, in some churches it is understood that if you are in financial debt, then you belong to your creditor first, before you can belong to God. See, credit is eeeevil! So they like to frighten the pew-dwellers with the threat of their being unavailable for the Rapture on account of having to pay off the Kors purses and season tickets to the Panthers’ games. Left Behind! Mwuahhahaha!
Eh? A little something fer all you godless goat-humpers to tremble in fear about!!
*** Pure propaganda perpetuated by Visa and Mastercard. I’m melting some major plastic before the rapture for reals! ~Laura

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B-Love says:

January 6, 2011 at 8:00 am

But are you going to be able to take your goat when the end is here? You would have to feed him bacon, but I’m sure he doesn’t have any piggie friends so that would be ok.
If the end is coming on 5/21, I guess this means I won’t get another year older so a new Coach would make sense. Maybe pink or purple (royalty ya know).
We’d better get busy planning all those trips out west for stalking purposes.
*** YES! I have to see my Boo before it all goes to hell in a handbasket. ~Laura

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B-Love says:

January 6, 2011 at 8:01 am

Oh, and tell tell J he needs to get that vein looked at. Could be an aneurysm or something even more serious like vein rabies.
*** Surely he’s immune to rabies by now. ~Laura

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Jena says:

January 6, 2011 at 8:35 am

He’s such a nazi. It’s kinda cute.
*** Kinda. ~Laura

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LC Aggie Sith says:

January 6, 2011 at 8:42 am

I don’t think I would go shopping, since I can’t take any of that crap with me. But I sure as hell would be making sure to eat bacon and chocolate until the Rapture came.
Oh, and keep some of those wet towelettes handy, in case bacon grease or chocolate are smeared on your face.
*** I think the big ball of fire that the world is suppose to burst into would take care of any crumbs and smears. Anyway, I always think of a big firey BOOM when it happens. ~Laura

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rdennis says:

January 6, 2011 at 9:38 am

Att’a girl!

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Erik says:

January 6, 2011 at 10:11 am

So, if you get a Michael Kors purse, are you gonna be all “I have a Michael Kors purse. Did you know I have one?”
Cause you know, having something cool and people not knowing kinda defeats the purpose. Right?
I’m writing a Zombie story on my blog. Did I tell you that already?
*** Dude, OF COURSE I will tell everyone at every opportunity that I have a Michael Kors purse. And I will look when I read it when I get home. Thanks for letting me know- I get slack surfing. ~Laura

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Heather says:

January 6, 2011 at 11:03 am

I would be eating donuts while shopping!
*** HA! Good plan! ~Laura

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patti says:

January 6, 2011 at 11:46 am

B A CON – Bacon Bacon Gooooo Team!
Michael Kors purse?! Bah, I’m getting a Mustang convertible! Well, maybe that fringey Kors purse would go well with the fingey leather jacket I’ll be wearing in my convertible. So yeah, 1 Michael Kors purse too.
*** I think that purse and jacket with the car would be smashing! ~Laura

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Cinny says:

January 6, 2011 at 11:53 am

Oooo and lots of baked goods!
*** Definitely. ~Laura

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Teresa says:

January 6, 2011 at 12:17 pm

I want to eat everything that’s not good for me and then let the apocalypse get me before the migraine does.
*** HA! I hear you. I want it to hit right before my stomach explodes. ~Laura

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Raye says:

January 6, 2011 at 12:42 pm

I want to naked on top of Johnny Depp.
*** While eating a bacon sandwich. ~Laura

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Jacob says:

January 6, 2011 at 1:35 pm

Mmmmm bacon…
*** Indeed. Bacon. ~Laura

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stanley says:

January 6, 2011 at 3:16 pm

I would eat roasted goat.
*** Blasphemer! Ha! ~Laura

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CGHill says:

January 6, 2011 at 3:57 pm

Of course, what we really want to know is this: does a Michael Kors purse have a compartment specifically for one’s iPhone?
**** HA! Of course! ~Laura

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Cappagam says:

January 6, 2011 at 5:07 pm

Whoa Girl! I just saw you over on “the Bloggess” …. Nice!
*** I know, right?! ~Laura

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zonker says:

January 6, 2011 at 6:38 pm

Dunno whether that shit’s part of the Seven Signs of the Apocalypse but I bet that conversation is one of the Many Reasons Why J Is Gonna Be Twelve-steppin’.
*** HA! He loves discussing things with me. I think… ~Laura

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Princess says:

January 6, 2011 at 6:43 pm

Im right there with ya Raye! Well, I can wait a few minutes… but Im right there with ya!
*** Wouldn’t we all… ~Laura

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Nicole says:

January 6, 2011 at 7:59 pm

Yeah, I think it’s good that I have no idea when the world would end. That last week would be a doozy. And I’d be beggin’ for bail if the end didn’t come, that’s for sure.
*** I’d probably be in the cell beside you. ~Laura

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mel says:

January 6, 2011 at 10:45 pm

Seriously though… Have you ever heard of thousands birds dropping from the sky from fear of fireworks? Really, though, have you? And as for those fish, the temperature drops here EVERY year and that hasn’t happened before. And this is Arkansas, it doesn’t drop much. I haven’t worn a warm coat this year yet. Those scientists come up with shit like that when they don’t want to admit that they just don’t know. Just say I don’t know, dudes! Tell J to stuff that in his pipe and smoke it.
*** Yeah! I told him! The same thing is happening in other countries too! His pipe is sure gonna be full. ~ Laura

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hotpants™ says:

January 7, 2011 at 2:19 pm

I love how you come full circle right back to the Michael Kors purse. I want a Marc Jacobs back and some Christian Louboutains.
*** Girl, I have GOT to get me a Michael Kors purse! ~Laura

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