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I know you all have been wondering what movies I have seen lately, so I’m going to tell you. | Fetch My Flying Monkeys
Everyone needs a fleet of flying monkeys to rip the stuffing out of the annoying people in their lives
— Laura

I watched the movie Precious yesterday because it was on J’s Netflix’s View It Instantly. I know I’m probably the last person on the planet to watch it, but I was just never in the mood to see something that depressing until I could do it free. The acting was fabulous. The girl who played Precious, Gabourey “Gabby” Sidibe, was amazing. Mo’Nique was shockingly good as the monster mother, and the biggest shock of all was Mariah Carey without her makeup. Who knew she had talent when she’s not warbling incessantly into a mic?


I also watched M. Night Shymalaladingdong’s latest movie Devil because apparently I’m the type of person who keeps putting her hand in a fire, screams “Ouch!” then does it again and again and again. Dude needs to stop making movies. Seriously. What the fuck is wrong with Hollywood that they can’t come up with any decent horror flicks? Satan in an elevator with a bunch of sinners, I see potential there. Shymalaladingdong saw a chance to tell us a story like we’re five years old. It was The Lady in the Water all over again. Fuck you, M.


Lastly, I watched Salt starring Angelina Jolie. After I got adjusted to seeing a stick figure in a bad wig this movie was wickedly fun. Jolie plays a CIA agent who is accused of being a Russian spy. It had a bunch of fantastic escapes and lots of shootouts and the story kept you guessing. My biggest beef was seeing a chick whose femurs you could snap between two fingers (and I mean both femurs at one time) doing hand to hand with men trained to kill. I would love to see a sequel; I just want Angelina to eat some ham sandwiches with extra mayo first, maybe with a side of potato salad and a pickle. Now I’m hungry. Dammit.

34 Comments
 

34 Responses to I know you all have been wondering what movies I have seen lately, so I’m going to tell you.

  1. TAD! says:

    FYI! youre not the last person on earth to see Precious.. I haven’t seen it yet but want to. I think you just sold me net-flicks. so you get a bonus or something?
    *** I use J’s Netflix. I don’t think there’s any bonus to get a friend to join. You will lurve Netflix. ~Laura

  2. c monster says:

    Yes, Angie needs more bacon. I would be willing to volunteer.
    *** I bet you would try shoving some sausage down her throa…wait…what? ~Laura

  3. Mother Christmas says:

    First and Foremost, A very Merry Christmas to everyone. 2ndly, I agree with you on the dingdong guy. He sucks and Angelina Jolie just needs to sit down to a nice big meal of fat back at least three times a week,(I’m just jealous) and I have not seen Precious yet either but would like to, maybe after the holidays. I don’t want to watch sad movies this time of the year. I can hardly make it through “Miracle on 34Th street” and I’ve seen that about 57 times.
    *** Merry Christmas! I haven’t watched a Christmas movie yet this year. YAY ME! ~Laura

  4. Jeffro says:

    Perhaps Angie’s lips limit her food intake.
    *** Girlfriend seriously needs a sandwich. ~ Laura

  5. Johnny Utah says:

    Here is the most interesting bit of trivia I know about Devil. The bug eyed guy in the movie (the one from Super Troopers) is married to Christina Hendricks. Look it up. The most mismatched pair ever.
    *** Yikes! Seriously, yikes. ~ Laura

  6. I *may* give Salt a shot, but only because it is my favorite condiment.
    I’ll pass on chick flicks for the most part. I have plenty of drama going on right now ;)
    *** Hmmm not really a chick flick. More like an action flick. I don’t do “chick flick romance” crap. Romance stories make me vomit. ~Laura

  7. Rick Martin says:

    OMG! Laura! We were watching the same movies again, except I watched Easy A instead of Devil because I love Amanda Bynes and Hate M. It is freaky because I had no interest in watching Precious, it was just there and I had nothing else to do. I loved it. Mo’nique deserved the Oscar even though I wanted to beat her character’s ass. I love Gabby and While I hate Mariah the singer, I was impressed with her acting.
    *** Mariah did plain very well. I was surprised that the film was that good. How was Easy A? That’s next I think. ~Laura

  8. CGHill says:

    I live in constant fear that M. Night Shamwow, or whatever his name is, will come up with something even more godawful – say, “The Next-to-Last Airbender.”
    *** M. Night Shakakhan needs to stop. Gawd awful messes are what they are. ~Laura

  9. Joe the Blog Stalker says:

    M. Night Swallowhard is a hack. He needs to be banned from making another film.
    *** Indeed. ~Laura

  10. Tara says:

    I am cracking up at all the names M. Night has going on here.
    *** M. Night Stinkypoopoopants? ~Laura

  11. Jena says:

    M Shitonastick does suck big time. Tho I think I liked 1 movie but it’s not coming to mind.
    I absolutely can’t stand Angst Jolibe. I had to LOL at Jeffro. She seriously needs to deflate those slugs she wears for lips.
    I just watched Legend of the Guardians. AWESOME!
    Today’s blog’s comments had me LOL’ing so hard I had to suck on the inhaler! Y’all are too funny!
    Harry Chestnuts everybody!
    *** I do have some pretty funny commenters. ~ Laura

  12. mel says:

    I read the book that Precious was based on a few months ago. I tried to watch the movie the other day and couldn’t get into it. But that girl that played Precious, she’s a regular on the show “The Big C” and I love her on that.
    *** The Big C is a good show. ~Laura

  13. Pug Mahon says:

    Saw a trailer at the theater for Shamble-along’s last movie, and the audience reacted with mingled laughter and groans. I hear that was a common reaction in many theaters.
    As for Angelina Jolly, meh. Very meh. Brad Pitt is hotter than she is.
    *** Oh hells yeah Brad is hotter. Jolie is getting so thin now too she really looks bad. ~Laura

  14. The Nickster says:

    Angelina Jolie has the loveliest eyes I have ever seen, plus sweet ninja skills. Don’t be a hater.
    *** Ha! I’m really not a Jolie hater, though I’m pretty certain she’s insane, I like a lot of Jolie movies. What I was stating is she’s getting entirely too thin to play a kick-ass heroine- but is the perfect size to play a heroin addict. ~Laura

  15. hoodyhoo says:

    Maybe Angie is so skinny ’cause all them bastard chilluns of hers keep snatching up all the food? She could probably get a UN food drop or some kind of humanitarian aid…
    *** HA! We could hold a concert for her! ~Laura

  16. garnet says:

    Angelina is way too thin. Dr, Drew thinks she is on heroin- did you hear that?
    *** HAHA! Yes! And he retracted it once Angie’s lawyers contacted him! ~Laura

  17. patti says:

    Haven’t seen Precious yet but it has been on my Amazon wish list for a while now – want to see.
    Angelina should eat a cookie as we say in this house.
    And to you, J, Jack, the goat Santa gave you et al – Merry Christmas.
    *** Merry Christmas to you and yours! ~Laura

  18. THE Mr. Bill says:

    I pretty much run from any movie that involves M Night Shamalamadingdong…dude can screw up the best story lines.
    Angelina definitely needs some food these days, as do most of what passes for beauty in print and film. Most of ‘em look like Olive Oyl with boob jobs…
    Hey, Merry Christmas to you and thanks for all the laughs!
    *** Merry Christmas to you! Yes, most of Hollywood needs a big ham sandwich with lots of mayo! ~ Laura

  19. B-Love says:

    I think she’s gonna need more than one ham samich! Merry Christmas…don’t do anything I wouldn’t do. Ho Ho
    *** Wha chu call me? Merry Christmas! ~Laura

  20. Erik says:

    Thanks for these movie reviews. I will wait until Salt is on FX in two years, Devil is on SyFy next year, and Precious is on Lifetime next Christmas.
    Yeah, Angelina in another spy flick? I hate to say she’s getting typecast, but…
    Maybe M Night should turn all his sucky movies into a Bollywood movie, complete with dance numbers and a love story..
    *** They would be better off as a Bollywood musical that’s for sure. ~Laura

  21. Jan says:

    Merry Christmas all!
    *** Merry Christmas!! ~Laura

  22. John D says:

    If you’re looking for a Christmas movie, the first Lethal Weapon and the first 2 Die Hards should fill the bill. They always get me into the spirit of the season.
    As for Angie Jolly, add my name to the list of those that think she could use a bit more padding. She’s following Madonna’s footsteps in joining the ranks of overfit/too-skinny women.
    *** Oh lawd, Madonna looks like the CryptKeeper. EAT, bitches! Ha! ~Laura

  23. Mother Christmas says:

    My list of top 10 list of politically correct Christmas Carols. Just in case some of you are planning on going out tonite.
    10. O Holiday Tree
    9. Have yourself a Merry little day of winter.
    8. Frosty the snow person.
    7. Chestnuts roasting on a safely contained continuously monitored echo friendly non-toxic out door fire (that I have a permit for)
    6. Higher Power Rest Ye Merry Gentle person.
    5. Gramma allegedly got run over by a unidentified non-human perpetrator.
    4. Deck the Halls with un-endangered foliage (If office policy allowed)
    3. Hark the Harold Magical Winged Creatures Sing!
    2. I saw Mommy Greeting Santa Clause with a purely platonic expression of inoffensive mutual affection.
    1. I’ll be home for a short period of time in December (Dec 25th).
    Merry Christmas Everyone!
    *** Ha! Merry December Day! ~Laura

  24. hotpants™ says:

    Salt was great! I still need to watch Precious. I noticed it on Netflix Instant Viewing, but figured I’d wait to watch after Christmas.
    *** It’s a good movie if you’re in the mood for something sad and disturbing. ~Laura

  25. Tim says:

    Hahaha Whats next? WAIT Dont tell me! Merry Christmas Everybody! Thanks again Laura!
    *** You’re welcome and Merry Christmas! ~Laura

  26. cbullitt says:

    Laura…Merry Christmas.
    Bunk has a Santasaurus.
    http://tackyraccoons.com/2010/12/24/tis-the-season/
    *** HA! Merry Christmas to you! ~Laura

  27. Mitchell says:

    Merry Christmas!
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fqtQwqy4bBw
    *** HA! Ding Dong it’s a Christmas song! Merry Christmas! ~Laura

  28. Sterling says:

    Wishing you and yours a very merry Christmas and a happy an healthy 2011.

  29. The Elves says:

    HOHO! Merry Merry, Have a great Holiday.

  30. Princess says:

    OMG> what a great Christmas morning. I am sooooooooo spoiled. I got a Bow & Arrow (competition set) I got a big tin of different Popcorn. YUM! I love Popcorn. I got a new HP printer, scanner, fax, copier. and I got a Holiday Princess Barbie (I have no idea what that is all about!) I’m Happy. now I’m going back to bed!

  31. Tad says:

    My daughter knit me a neck scarf. Not bad either. I think I just may use this.

  32. Spirited says:

    OK tell me what you think.. My Nieces boy friend gave me a bottle of home made Muscadine Wine!….. Do you think he is trying to get me drunk, or do you think I need to get over myself?
    *** I think you need to get drunk. ~Laura

  33. Wonka-do says:

    I think those big cans of Pop-corn must have been a big item this year. I got one too!… Work my ass off all year to make sure they have a roof over their heads and food on the table and money for this and money for that and pay those stupid College fund payments so when they get older they can even go to College and I get a funking tin of Pop-corn for Christmas. Ha!
    *** HA! ~Laura

  34. Glen says:

    Bears crap better movies than hollywood makes these days. The only audience being served is kiddies. Cars, Ice Age, and The Johnny Depp pirate flicks are way better than all the dancing pansies on brokeback mountain. So there….
    *** You are correct. Hollywood seriously needs to re-think formulas or something. Maybe stop catering to the masses? ‘Cause the masses are too easily entertained. ~Laura

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