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When you watch as many late night and early morning infomercials as I do, you have lots of time on your hands to think about killing people for cash. | Fetch My Flying Monkeys
Everyone needs a fleet of flying monkeys to rip the stuffing out of the annoying people in their lives
— Laura

I called J on Tuesday because I wanted to tell him I made a life decision. Kind of. I told him I wanted to change careers and that I wanted to become an executioner. He was all “Laura, do you have insomnia again?” and I told him “Yes, as a matter of fact I woke up at 2 a.m. this morning. Why?” And he said that every time I have bad insomnia I talk about wanting to become an executioner. Then I thought back and knew he was probably right and said “Well, maybe it’s because I’m so tired and if I was an executioner I wouldn’t have to work much because they don’t execute people often.” Then he said that executioners probably work as prison guards, or were prison medical personnel and that he doubted there was just a “call only when needed full time” executioner job. I told him he was a sonsabitch for crushing my dreams and hung up on him. I wonder if ninja assassins have dental.


Now here’s a picture of a baby otter:



Baby Otter

41 Comments
 

41 Responses to When you watch as many late night and early morning infomercials as I do, you have lots of time on your hands to think about killing people for cash.

  1. Jennifer says:

    LMAO!! I’d seriously think about being an executioner too if they paid me a full salary!
    *** With benefits too of course. ~Laura

  2. Sierra says:

    Have you tried a new pillow? and some Nyquil!
    *** All of the above. ~Laura

  3. Tad says:

    Yeah! I’m pretty sure “J” is correct. (as usual) I’m pretty sure you gotta be a Doc to administer the “Death by Injection” thing. Ya wanna be doing that correctly. I’m just sayin, If it were me on the table, I’d want you to be doing that correctly.
    *** Well, I play a scientist on the Internet, and scientists are kind of like doctors so I could do it and do it correctly. Besides, I’d want to work where they still used “the chair.” Ha! ~Laura

  4. SC Gramma says:

    OMG! Look at that little thing. Him got little fingers. Awwwwwwwwww!
    *** Webbed fingers. Baby otters are as cute as baby goats. ~Laura

  5. Joe the Blog Stalker says:

    My new favorite blog entry title. I don’t think this one can be beat.
    *** Ha! Probably not. ~Laura

  6. Red December says:

    Hot Milk works well for me. yeah! Hot milk and a couple Xanax.
    *** Ha! Hot milk is disgusting. I’d skip that part. ~Laura

  7. garnet says:

    I think I could execute serial murderers and child molesters.
    *** And people that text and drive. ~Laura

  8. B-Love says:

    I was on the executioners list when I worked with the prison system, was a good feeling. Of course at that time, it was death by the electric chair. Sadly, when I left, they removed my name. It wasn’t a paid position, just one we looked forward to. Tell the Nazi crushing dreams (just in case you are able to sleep) isn’t nice. I’m telling ya, that target practice we talked about sounds like a good idea.
    I love the otter. Makes me want to go get one.
    *** HA! I hope J reads this and sees that people DO want to be executioners! IN YOUR FACE J! I want baby goats, badgers, and otters so bad, but can you even imagine the mayhem?? ~Laura

  9. Baxter says:

    First time commenter. This is why I read your blog. It’s so full of random crazy.
    *** Well, thanks and welcome. ~Laura

  10. Red December says:

    A couple of my co-workers come to mind while talking about execution! Yep! they would qualify but I would want to use the Electric Chair!
    *** I’d want an even slower more painful method. Like ground glass. Oops. Did I say that?? Ha! ~Laura

  11. mel says:

    That’s not true. I saw an ad in the paper the other day. “Executioner wanted. Part-time.”
    *** DAYUMMM! I’m moving there. ~Laura

  12. lifeshighwy says:

    I don’t know what is more surprising, that you want to be an executioner or that you have a executioner volunteer as one of your readers.
    You were born in the wrong era. During the wild west times there were professionals who rode from town to town hanging people and looking all righteous and stuff. (facts gathered by watched old western movies)
    *** And I look good lookin’ all righteous and shit. ~Laura

  13. hoodyhoo says:

    You don’t need no steenkin’ electric chair — that baby otter picture nearly killed me of the cute! Just print it out, then run up to people on the street and shove it in their face! At least 6 out of 10 should drop straight dead of terminal cuteness!
    *** That may be worth a try. Ha! ~Laura

  14. Fairy God Mother! says:

    Have you thought about getting a job at the ZOO? you could play with all the baby animals you want and then go home at night. and probably SLEEP! because you were happy and content and not working in the pits of HELL! So a career change could be very healthy for you!
    *** I was a vet tech for years and the job absolutely does not entail playing with animals. Maybe a trainer at Sea World can play most of the day, and they make like $1.50 an hour (or close to it) because EVERYONE, especially with a biology degree, wants to “play” with the animals. ~Laura

  15. Tara says:

    God. When I have insomnia I want to kill people too.
    *** Yeah, but I want a salary and benefits for it. Ha! ~Laura

  16. Jena says:

    Awww he’s sooo cute! He’s all like “you know you want some of this nipple”
    I have some Ambien CR 12.5 if ya need some in your stocking… just saying.
    *** Oh, Ambien makes me sick. I’ve tried it many times. ~Laura

  17. Janie Jones says:

    Dear Santa:
    All I want for Christmas is an exectioner’s job. Preferably one that pays 75+k and has full medical and dental bennies with low copays. ADD, STD, LTD, life and a good 401k a plus. Or maybe just a really good bottle of sleeping pills. Oh, and a baby otter, but only the kind that don’t poop on the carpet. I know God wanted me to have a goat, there’s just been some delivery problems, but if you run into the goat (figuratively, not literally, please!) while out delivering presents this Christmas Eve, please bring him to my house. I don’t know why God keeps sending my goat to J’s house, seriously, for an omnipotent being He’s been dropping the ball a bit lately.
    Any way, that takes care of my wish list this year. I’m fresh out of cookies, but here’s some unwanted stocking stuffers for your enjoyment.
    Merry Christmas,
    Laura
    *** DUDE! I’m hiring you to write my Santa letters every year! Fantastic! But you left off a baby badger that never grows up and eats my face off. ~Lauea

  18. Janie Jones says:

    Oh, yeah, and the spud says, “Awww that baby otter is cute Momma. I would like to hold a baby otter.”
    *** Then you must find a way for him to hold a baby otter!! ~Laura

  19. I reckon you’ll just have to watch “True Grit” this weekend, just to stoke your dreams.
    Meanwhile, I understand Obama’s putting together a Civilian National Security Force whose job description is as yet to be revealed. . . not sure if they’re taking resumes yet.
    *** Ooooh I’ll have to work on my resume then… oh but to dream… ~Laura

  20. Shane Cranford says:

    are you considering becoming a Ninja who assasinates or an Assasin who kills Ninjas? Either way, I am not seeing any classes at community college that could qualify you. Let me look at DeVry.
    *** HAHA! The first thingy. I hope there’s an online course so I can stay in my pajamas while I learn. That is kinda the ninja uniform anyway, right? ~Laura

  21. Jan says:

    Mmm, baby otter pictures in the morning…
    Almost makes getting to work at 6am worth it. (Almost.)
    *** Almost. ~Laura

  22. patti says:

    zertec works for me – or at least it lets me sleep all the way to 4am which beats 2am by 2 whole hours plus it keeps the allergies to a manageable level – two birds, one pill, two executions.
    *** I do take Benedryl sometimes, but it doesn’t work everytime. ~Laura

  23. Stella says:

    I want to be an executioner too!
    *** I will be your competition should a position become available. ~Laura

  24. Johnny Utah says:

    I’ve never thought about what an executioner does when they aren’t killing people. Maybe they were in the vet and kill strays to satisfy their blood lust. You couldn’t kill animals so you’re out of luck.
    *** Yeah, I wouldn’t execute animals. ~laura

  25. Me says:

    Wait, someone on here wants an STD for Christmas? Maybe we can find a good animal STD for them!
    *** That’s called rabies. And that’s “short term disability” but I know you know that. ~Laura

  26. Sue Dunham says:

    Actually, there was an executioner’s position in Canada. Look up “Mr. Ellis”
    http://www.time.com/time/magazine/article/0,9171,858656,00.html
    *** $100 a subject!! Why that’s not much at all!! ~Laura

  27. CGHill says:

    I suspect ninjas don’t actually have dental – but nobody has the temerity to tell them so.
    *** HA! I know right? Imagine having to fire one? ~Laura

  28. Brea says:

    Hell, there are many nights, insomniac nights, when I’d do the killin’ fer free.
    Loved the Santa letter, Janie!
    Laura, I’ll be praying for your Goatmas miracle. cause they’re better than sheep for jumping on the bed and helping you fall unconsc–, er, asleep.
    *** I wish I’d get a baby goat! But I do have to wait to move. (sad face) ~Laura

  29. Cappagam says:

    Ya see what happened to the first guy!!!!! That kinda shit has to get to ya eventually, unless your soul is stone cold. Merry Christmas.
    *** Merry Christmas! ~Laura

  30. rdennis says:

    Baby skunks are real cute too. and don’t astink all that mucvh. :)
    By the way, try eating raw honey at supper time. Should make you drowsy by bed time. When I can’t sleep, I just play games on the internet and watch late night TV. Sure a lot of idiots on there and most of them make movies and TV shows, evidently.
    *** Ya know- I don’t like honey. Weird eh? Don’t answer that. ~Laura

  31. Dave says:

    Every entry makes me love you more.
    *** HAHA! ~Laura

  32. DogsDontPurr says:

    I have insomnia right now too. But rather than wanting to be an executioner, I’d rather just be executed. Just kill me now! So, you could practice on me. It would help build your resume!
    *** Ha! You would have to be a mrderer or rapist or a texter while driving or something for me to kill you. Insomnia SUCKS! ~Laura

  33. Jena says:

    Sean used to take Pretty in Pink natural sleeping pills until they disappeared off the shelves. http://www.ajhartgroup.com/index.php?option=com_content&task=view&id=265&Itemid=166
    So now Dr Jena has him on http://www.alteril.com/
    The key ingredient is tryptophan.
    I don’t remember what I’m like other than real thin skinned when I go thru insomnia. I do occasionally come up with brilliant ideas.
    *** Oh I stay brilliant so that’s never a problem. HAHA! ~Laura

  34. Nicole says:

    I don’t like hot milk either – except with lots of chocolate in it. :)
    Booze. Booze is the surefire sleep inducer for me. Though you probably have to drink more than the stocking stuffers.
    If ya gotta have insomnia it may as well at least lead you to life changing decisions. :)
    *** As long as I don’t act on them I reckon. ~Laura

  35. Jena says:

    Well done Janie! I had thought it was her sweet side but then I remembered, Laura wasn’t capable of writing that. I didn’ c no zombies running amok.

  36. Fairy God Mother! says:

    You really should drink your milk. whats wrong with warm milk? It knocks you out! really.
    *** Cold milk is fine, warm milk is disgusting. And yeah, knocks you out and you land in a pool of vomit. No thanks. ~Laura

  37. rdennis says:

    Hey gooseberry, you don’t have to like honey to eat it! Yuh wann’a get some sleep or not? :P
    *** Gooseberry? Ha! ~Laura

  38. patti says:

    No new post to digest with my coffee? Did you finally get some sleep – or did the unwanted stocking stuffers leave you with some Christmas rabies? Are you OK? I’m being concerned here and letting you know I noticed you didn’t hit the publish button this morning – attention, lavishing attention.
    But really – I hope you are just rocking around the Snoopy tree with J and Jack and the kitties and J’s pretty doggy, and the goat Santa left you.
    *** Ha! Busy, busy, didn’t get in until late…thank you for being concerned about my rabies. It nice to see at least ONE PERSON is. ~Laura

  39. rdennis says:

    Ever eaten a gooseberry? Slightly sour but still way cool. I thought it fit you.
    *** Ha! Thanks. ~Laura

  40. Jan says:

    Animated otter gif!!!!
    http://icanhascheezburger.files.wordpress.com/2010/12/funny-pictures-otters.gif?w=287&h=198
    *** I KNOW! How adorable is that? Jena emailed me it this morning. ~Laura

  41. SB Smith says:

    Awwwww….Deadly Cuteness.
    *** Otters are just adorable creatures. ~Laura

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