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Sometimes I’m torn between wanting to smother him with love or with a pillow as he sleeps. | Fetch My Flying Monkeys
Everyone needs a fleet of flying monkeys to rip the stuffing out of the annoying people in their lives
— Laura

J lives over an hour’s drive away from me. I had just arrived home Sunday night from his house when my phone rang. It was J.


J: “Guess what was at my door a second ago?”


Me: “Umm, a Jehovah’s Witness?


J: “The goat.”


Me: “MY GOAT?”


J: “No, the goat that you saw in the garden.”


Me: “That’s MY GOAT! You need to go get it.”


J: “Laura, I’m not going to go get the goat. I have nowhere to put it and it belongs to someone.”


Me: “Well OBVIOUSLY it doesn’t like where it USED to belong and it can’t be roaming the roads. It will get hit by a car and besides, God wants me to have it.”


J: “Well, I just went and looked and it’s gone, so God changed his mind.”


Me: “Liar! And God hates liars and you’re going to Liar Hell.”


J: “Well, hopefully there won’t be any goats there.”


Me: *Click*

41 Comments
 

41 Responses to Sometimes I’m torn between wanting to smother him with love or with a pillow as he sleeps.

  1. Larry says:

    I was going to write something witty but I’m laughing too hard to think of anything.
    But at least now he knows you weren’t crazy when you told him you saw the goat.
    *** EXACTLY! Now he needs to go capture it. ~Laura

  2. Holly says:

    Ugh I bet the goat wasn’t even there and he only rang to psyche you out, I mean what did the goat knock at his door or something cause if it came-a-knocking then it’s definitely trying to stay with you and how suspicious is it that you were an hour away when he rang? J’s such a goat tease. Next time you’re at his leave a “goat friendly” map tacked to his door and then maybe the goat will follow you home, either that or a trail of tin cans and rotten veg bouncing along behind your car :)
    *** How about empty Circus Peanut bags? ~Laura

  3. Jennifer says:

    J really needs to hunt that goat down for you!
    *** Yes, I told him that several times. ~Laura

  4. Joe the Blog Stalker says:

    I’m Team J on this.
    *** Ha! I am not surprised! ~Laura

  5. garnet says:

    BEST. BLOG TITLE. EVER.
    *** And it’s the truth. Ha! ~Laura

  6. Tara says:

    J is going to burn in Hell for not hunting down that God’s gift goat for you.
    *** I told him this, but he’s unfazed by the threat of eternal damnation. ~Laura

  7. I’m not a goat theologian, (but that would be a kickass blog name:The Goat Theologian.) but I do believe that goat appearance has meaning for you: right now it just means God is teasing you. I guess that makes you God’s little red-headed sister.
    *** HAHAHA! Always!! ~Laura

  8. hoodyhoo says:

    I vote for the pillow. That is clearly YOUR GOAT that has been sent to you and you alone and J needs to remember IT’S CHRISTMAS and SANTA is WATCHING!
    *** YES! So you get counted as Team Laura. ~Laura

  9. December Bride says:

    If that was the goat’s house and “J” was out in the cold and trying to get warm, I bet that goat would have let “HIM” in. and given him some hot Coco.
    *** Exactly. He needs to walk in that goat’s hooves. ~Laura

  10. Tad says:

    Hey! did you hear about the live Nativity scene where the goat gave birth right in the stable while everyone watched? OMG! how cool was that. It’s on this mornings news. Not exactly the birth of Christ by any means but a gentle reminder of life and how precious it is. The little black and white baby was on her feet in 15 minutes and they named her Beth, cuz they thought there was two in there and they were gonna name the second one Lehem, but there was only one…Get it? Beth-lehem.How cool is that?
    *** They should have named it “Jesus Christ.” Then later they could be all “JESUS CHRIST get out of my garden!” ~Laura

  11. Princess says:

    OK.. So what you are saying is that J is trying to drive you insane by calling you ONE HOUR after you leave to tell you there is a very cold Goat at his front door. knowing full well, you can do nothing about it and will go totally bonkers. How convenient. Yep, he is definitely trying to push you over the edge…He is probably tired of Christmas shopping for you..when all he has to do is BUY YOU A GOAT! and keep it at his house of course.
    *** He knows this. He is a goat hating NAZI. Nazis liek mind games too. ~Laura

  12. lifeshighwy says:

    God will only give you so many chances. When the divine goat calls, you are suppose to let him in and offer him tea and let him eat your house plants. So it is written, so it is said.
    *** You should be a bible scientist. Amen. ~Laura

  13. Mark In IT says:

    I’m on Team J.
    *** Boo! ~Laura

  14. Jena says:

    now he needs to draw a rendering to make sure there isn’t 2 goats! Now you also are justified to put up your goat flyer.
    *** Oh I printed a few dozen out. And I don’t think his rendering will match mine, I’ve seen his artwork renderings before. ~Laura

  15. Barbie says:

    Team Laura and team Goat!
    *** YEAH! ~Laura

  16. Look at it this way: he now KNOWS there really is a goat, right?
    At least he won’t be calling the men in white suits carrying funny looking jackets. You have that going for you ;)
    *** He has them on speed-dial anyway. This man has known me a long time. ~Laura

  17. Belinda says:

    How does J know this goat belongs to someone else? Did he ask the goat? I think not. Maybe instead of Savannah, we should go to his neighborhood and go on goat watch! J is just tormenting you!!
    *** AND we’ll make him go get us some Starbucks. ~Laura

  18. Jena says:

    Sean said “was the goat hanging out with the rainbows and unicorn’s at J’s house. You know goats do that”
    typed by Jena for Sean
    HA!
    *** Tell Sean that Hell also reserves seats for doubters. He and J can talk about it for ETERNITY. ~Typed by Laura for Laura Ha!

  19. Jena says:

    I texted it to him…. LOL
    You go girl! Next time you’re over there go cruising around for a likely yard thats all groomed. A sign that a goat lives there!
    *** Or hoof prints on the roof of the house. ~Laura

  20. MorningGlory says:

    Put me down on for Team Laura.
    If you get a goat, you can keep it at my house, ’cause my yard needs some goat-work. I’ll let you visit it any time you like!
    *** You should get a goat! Then your goat and mine can have play dates. ~Laura

  21. Shelly says:

    Team Laura! I’d be a fool to not be, I might get stabbed or smothered! lol
    *** Or tasered. I really want to use it. ~Laura

  22. Brea says:

    He called you, told you that the goat was there AGAIN, and wouldn’t go catch it for you?!?
    That sonsabitch gets COAL.
    *** HA! And fire and brimstone!!! Ha! ~Laura

  23. Harris says:

    I’m on Team J. Goats are crazy animals.
    *** Then he’d fit in. ~Laura

  24. Oddybobo says:

    Funny thing…. I just had goat korma at my local favorite indian restaurant… (dot, not feather) and then you post about a disappearing goat… I wonder if the two phenomena were related…. mmmm. goat.
    **** BLASPHEMER!! Ha! ~Laura!

  25. Gammon Lady says:

    I thought that is what they used in SC for their famous “BBQ”. Someone told me that or I saw it somewhere like Rachel Ray or possibly Martha? Yeah! Goat BBQ! Supposed to be yummy. Maybe if you mention it to “J” he WILL catch him for U!
    *** You do not BBQ a pet!!! ~Laura

  26. Erik says:

    Now you got J seeing your goat! You must talk about it alot, or J is messin with you.
    But if the goat is there, he should get it next time it comes around. He should then build a pen for it, give it flowers, and then try to milk it. I am assuming that its a female.
    On the other hand, I suppose that he could try to milk it if its a he-goat. That would be funny to watch on video, but not in person.
    At least its a goat. check out this link: http://www.kmbc.com/r/26121874/detail.html
    Coyote, my butt!
    *** More like Bill Coyote. Ha! And I told you that it was a goat! More people need to beleive me. I wasn’t cooking that night. ~Laura

  27. Blue Sky says:

    I love your blog and I’m Team Laura!!
    *** YEAH! Welcome and thank you. ~Laura

  28. Portapotty says:

    I have never commented before but want to tell you I love your Blog. I come here everyday so I can laugh. But felt the need to comment this time.
    I love goats when they are small but not grown up they are very dangerous and mean. and they eat everything including your house. and they are loud and smelly and they spit. have a nice day! and a great holiday to you also.
    *** My goat would be different. I don’t know why or how, but it will. Also welcome and thank you. ~Laura

  29. Portapotty says:

    P.S. I also am team Laura.
    *** YEAH!! ~Laura

  30. CGHill says:

    Which leads to a purely rhetorical question: What happens if a Jehovah’s Witness shows up *with* the goat?
    *** Good question. I don’t know. Steal the goat? ~Laura

  31. patti says:

    How could J not warm the poor cold goat? I think Santa sent that goat to you – twice.
    *** J is a goat-hating Nazi. ~Laura

  32. Teresa says:

    Hmmm… I find it suspicious that J can’t seem to locate the goat for you. Did you ask him what he had for dinner? I think he’s a goat Nazi…
    ** He’s a goat-hating Nazi is what he is and he hates freedom and I think he scared the goat off on purpose. ~Laura

  33. Jan says:

    You know, when Seal woke me up this morning at TWO-FUCKING-AM with his yowling at my bedroom door, I was debating whether or not to smother him too. Must be a male thing.
    *** It is difficult to resist that smothering feeling, isn’t it? ~Laura

  34. Jena says:

    Laura’s goat would only spit on command or any nazi-commi-bastards it sees.
    *** YEAH!! Fucking Nazis! ~Laura

  35. kim says:

    well obviously when you go over there again you’ll have to bring a bale of hay and build a paddock for the goat so he is prepared next time.
    *** I did think about buying some Purina Goat Chow! Yes, there’s such a thing. ~Laura

  36. George says:

    Team Laura!
    *** YEAH!! That’s what I’m talkin’ bout. ~Laura

  37. Jan says:

    Channeling the Righteous Brother’s…
    ? “You’ve got that smoth’ring feeling…” ?
    *** Woo woo that smoth’ring feeling… now he’s gone gone gone… ~Laura

  38. Jan says:

    FYI: Tomorrow POLKA DOTS!
    *** I loves me some polka dots! ~Laura

  39. Brea says:

    Laura,
    Thought of you when I visited this page… Halfway down, there’s a picture of puppies. Rabid puppies.
    Fer realz.
    http://www.bite.ca/bitedaily/2010/12/15-heinous-christmas-cards/
    *** HA! Thanks. That last one with the pigs is the most heinous though. ~Laura

  40. mel says:

    J is such a liar, Laura, and he’s getting your hopes up. There was no goat at his door.
    *** Ha! J is actually a very non-liar. ~Laura

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