Everyone needs a fleet of flying monkeys to rip the stuffing out of the annoying people in their lives
— Laura
Years ago two of my girlfriends, Liz and Caroline, and I decided to go to a porn shop to rent a gay male porn movie. Earlier we had gotten into a discussion about what the hell gay guys did. Don’t ask. We were very young. Al Gore hadn’t invented the Internet yet, and we wanted to know, so we knew we had to rent some gay porn. Caroline was twenty-one and could legally rent it and Liz and I decided to go for moral support. We all loaded into Caroline’s car and headed for the XXX porn movie place. We pulled into their parking lot and sat there giggling about a sign they had that read “Bring your own towels.” Apparently they had a “room” in the back where they showed porn and the guys sat around and wanked. Yeah, like that place where Pee Wee Herman got busted. I bet the floors were stickier than fly paper. Gross. There’s a job for Mike Rowe. Porn floor mopper. But I digress.
We were sitting in the car trying to build up our nerve to go rent a movie, when I turned and saw a dude walking out of the store and heading towards his car. The first thing I noticed was that he had this HUGE boner tenting his parachute pants, and I mean GIGANTIC. I was like “OH MY FUCKING GOD, look at his woodie!” and pointed. We all busted out laughing and the dude looked over at us. Then we realized our windows were down and the guy said, “WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU LOOKING AT?” I said “Your huge woodie, dude.” I was always the loud mouth brave one. Then shit went from weird to weirder. The guy pulled it out and started whacking it on the side of what I assumed was his car. And by whacking, I don’t mean masturbating, I mean he pulled it out and was knocking it upside his car hard like it was Godzilla and he was smashing vehicles and looking for Japanese tourists to crush. We stared in shock for a few seconds then we fucking LOST IT and started laughing so hard tears were running down our faces.
The guy just kept smashing his boner on the side of his car as we stared and howled with laughter. All of a sudden I think he figured out he wasn’t in a porn movie and the three chicks weren’t going to “do” him just by the mere sight of his mighty Godzilla pecker and that we were actually laughing AT him. He stopped slapping his dick against the car and his face got all red and scrunched up with anger and he yelled “You fucking bitches STOP LAUGHING!” Then he started walking towards us! JESUS FUCKING CHRIST! We started screaming like little Catholic school girls. Liz and I were yelling at Caroline “GET US OUT OF HERE! OH MY GOD! HERE HE COMES! GO, GO, GO!” It was exactly like something straight out of a horror flick. The three of us were screaming, rolling up windows, frantically locking doors, Caroline fumbling with the keys in the ignition, dude with a crazed look in his eyes and his giant bruised dick in his hand heading straight for us. Finally after a few failed attempts, the car started and just as it was put in gear his giant red monster boner suddenly appeared pressed up against the passenger window. MY WINDOW. Yes, it was just a few inches from my face, separated by glass! We all screamed in unison with mortified horror. Then Caroline hit the accelerator and we fishtailed out of the parking lot. We continued screaming the first few miles on our way home, then fell silent, staring straight ahead, trying to absorb what had just happened to us the rest of the way home.
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24 Responses to Seriously, because of this adventure I think what would be more terrifying than a fast zombie coming at you, is a fast zombie coming at you with a boner.
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LMAO!! Godzilla dick!!! lol
Good morning Laura, I knew when I read the title it was gonna be hysterical. But more than that today, I just want to say HAPPY
B-DAY TO YOU, HAPPY B-DAY TO YOU. HAPPY B-DAY LAURA, HAPPY B-DAY TO YOU. YEAH!
*** Thank you! ~Laura
I am weeping. WEEPING.
*** I hope that’s a good thing. ~Laura
God, I hope y’all stopped at a car wash on your way home.
*** We were too busy suffering from PTSD. ~Laura
OMG, that was funny! Explain to me again you and Sheri aren’t flooded with book and movie offers?
*** Ha! We’d like to know that too!! ~Laura
Ok, now that I’ve recovered from reading that (laughter, tears, etc) and can type again, that was freakin’ hilarious. I’ve been around and seen lots of strange, funny things…but that tops ‘em all. I can honestly say I have never seen anyone beat on a car with a boner…
Oh, the Mike Rowe line? Priceless…
ps – zombies with boners don’t worry me;
a) they want brains, not booty
b) you obviously nave never attempted to run with a boner…
*** HA! I am so glad to hear the boner will slow the zombie down! I can sleep easy again. ~Laura
You could have spin-offs of lots of Discovery Channel’s & TLC’s series…
“Boneryard: When Good Wood Goes Bad”
“BonerQuest: The Search For Bigdick”
“Heavy Meatus”
“The Deadliest Cocks”
“Little Penis, Big World”
“Top Tens (Inches)”
“Ass Men: Backwoods Wood”
*** Ha! A&E might produce them. ~ Laura
Epic…just epic. I can’t think of anything to add, except to wish you a happy birthday, and may no Godzilla boners stalk you!
*** Thank you! ~Laura
***We were too busy suffering from PTSD. ~Laura
Is that “Penis Thumping Stress Disorder”?
*** Ha! I think that was his disorder after banging on a car like he did. ~Laura
That was funny as hell. “Terror at the Porn Shop.”
Not even trolling for trouser trout – and look what ya threw back!
***Ha! ~Laura
I’ve read this four times so far and I laugh just as hard as the first time. Excellent boner story!
*** Thanks! ~Laura
Okay that was excellent! You do lead an adventurous life.
*** I used to. ~Laura
You could write a book with all these hilarious episodes of your life. You’re a humorous story-teller, like Bill Cosby. Only you say Fuck more often.
Happy Birthday!!
*** Ha! Thank you! ~ Laura
The one thing about guys of this sort with boners: there is never, ever going to be a bonee around.
*** Ha! ~Laura
This is remarkably, stunningly fucked up. Just totally fucked up. In a remarkable way.Just, well, fucked up. I salute you.
And wish you a bonne anniversaire!
*** Yes, it was fucked up. lol Thank you! ~Laura
OMG. Hysterical! Too freakin’ funny.
I laughed so loud at your story that both the dogs woke up and gave me their shocked look. Then I had to go back and read it again to make sure you didn’t leave someone behind in the video store.
*** OMG I’d never leave someone behind! I am glad you enjoyed it. ~Laura
I’m tramatized just reading that but I might also be laughing at it too.
** It was traumatic. And funny. ~Laura
I Hope you had a great day.and a happy happy birthday.
That was hysterical !
Lots of great and funny comments here, too.
Can’t top them.
Thank you !
*** No, thank you! ~ Laura
Dear Sweet Baby Jesus. That was fucking FUNNY!!!!
What a freak. This is what happens when giggly girls hang out at porn stores.
Seriously, hilarious story.
THAT is the funniest terror story I’ve ever heard. I’m so serious.
** I am glad you liked it. ~laura