Everyone needs a fleet of flying monkeys to rip the stuffing out of the annoying people in their lives
— Laura
I have good news and bad news. First the good news, I found a lawn service company! YAY FUCKING YAY! It’s a big professional company and the guy I spoke to seems really nice and concerned about the messed up way my previous yard guy has been doing the yard, and he promises they will do a good job. It’s a tad more, but worth every penny if they just do what they say. So keep your fingers crossed that I don’t end up in jail from tasering their asses if they fuck up.
Now the bad news, my stomach hurts. I think it’s food poisoning. I think I ate some bad Indian food last night. How can you tell, ya know? All Indian food seems kind of rancid. Well, usually I depend on hard liquor killing any bad shit in the foreign food I eat before it gets in my bloodstream, but I wimped out and just had wine and now I’m paying the price. I’ve been seeing double all day and breaking out in sweats. I’m not a doctor, but I think seizures are next.
Oh, speaking of rancid food, I have been trying for six months to get J to accept a sucker bet from me so that when he loses I will have him eat something from one of these Mexican Roach Coaches that are all over town.
I thought it would be funny to have him eat some weird Mexican meat made in a dirty van by Jose who hasn’t washed his hands since he watched an el porno the night before, but now that I’m suffering so with digestive distress, and he just told me over the phone that he was too busy to listen to my craziness about getting a goat, I can honestly say, I think it would be FUCKING HYSTERICAL.
Share with your friends...
17 Responses to Here’s where I’d try to think of a witty title, but I’m starting to see spots and the room is spinning, so I won’t.
Leave a Reply
Friend me on Facebook!
Follow me on Pinterest!
LOL! I’ve seen those trucks and wondered if their food was any good but I’m too afraid to try it. Tell J to let us know. lol
Hope you feel better soon!
*** Thanks, Jennifer. ~laura
OMG! that is really scary. I have never seen one of those. No No No, dont go near the truck! Keep Jack and Tink inside lest they become a Taco. What was the name of that movie? Something Orange! were they were eating the people… Hell keep “j” inside too! EEEEEEK!
Feel better soon.
**** Ha! That’s because you live out in the country. I will bring you a burrito for lunch one day. lol Thanks. ~Laura
I ate at one before. Ate a burrito. I almost didn’t make it.
**Ha! ~Laura
Can you get a goat to talk on the phone? Cool.
*** I wish. Sorry, my English no good when I be DYING OF FOOD POISON. ~Laura
P.S. I fixed it since I’m feeling better and it had to be pointed out to me. But I don’t feel better about the goat not being able to talk on the phone. I would have it making obscene calls to everyone all the time. Wait. That could make me rich… and if I had money, I could hire an editor!
Was it Tandoori chicken? I like Tandoori chicken. I used to get it at a total CA Health Dept. Watch List hole-in-the-wall restaurant downtown L.A., so I know how things can get with Indian food. That place I used to go had those hippie Indian bedspreads on the ceiling, all ballooning down everywhere and almost hitting you in the head. Yeah like that’s sanitary. And you’d order Tandoori CHICKEN and they’d tell you it would take an HOUR (WTF?) so you know they had to run out behind the Hollywood sign somewhere and club a “chicken” over the head and haul it back to the “kitchen” and remove its FUR and cover it in potent spices and bake the hell out of it and Ramesh would run out back and hide the flea collar in the dumpster.
Hope you feel better.
**JESUS H CHRIST. I think that’s what made me sick. And I think it was because they cooked the flea collar in with it! Fuckers. Oh well, I’m less itchy. And I’m much better today, thank you. ~Laura
Laura, (channeling Lincoln Hayes) like the Maharishi says, “Never drink champagne from a paper cup”.
As a scientist, I know that hand sanitizers must have a minimum of 60% alcohol to be effective, so LOGICALLY that means you must precede every meal that you didn’t cook yourself with liquor that exceeds 120 proof.
See? It’s easy when you can do the math!
**** You ARE a true scientist. ~ Laura
Glad to hear you’re feeling better ! You had me a little worried there and I was about to suggest the ER if your symptoms were still the same or had gotten worse.
*** I’m feeling LOTS better thanks. Uggh no ER’s. ~Laura
Einstein weighs in on the science:
http://www.brisbanetimes.com.au/world/meet-einstein-the-worlds-tiniest-horse-20100428-tqbl.html
*** Awwwww. ~Laura
Do your new lawn guys speak English? I’m waiting to mow mine this afternoon when the illegal Mexicans are mowing the one next door. I’m gonna tape a T-Rex on the gas tank and sling a black gun, with a 30 round clip, over my shoulder…while I walk the quadrangle. Wish I had a LAW rocket…that’d show ‘em how to trim the bushes.
Stretch asked me to tell you…he hopes Jack gets a green flag tomorrow…He’s ready to meet up and go out drinking and chase some of the good thing.
*** Yes! They are English speaking folks! Let’s just hope they work out.
And yes! Jack wants to meet Stretch and hit the town carousing. Maybe the pound. lol ~Laura
Poor psycho girl. I hope you feel better soon.
** I LOVE that you call me a psycho! lol ~Laura
You know they serve a lot of goat out of those trucks.
*** STOP IT! I CAN’T HEAR YOU! LALALALALALALALA ~ Laura
The One Armed Man would soooo eat from one of those trucks. He’s much more adventurous than I am. And the sidebar – the hawk dinner? Ewww…. And the flying owl was cool looking.
Two goats enter, no goats leave.
(Laura can’t hear this one either, I’d bet.)
Have him order the chivo pastor burrito. He will love it!
*** I knew you’d know what to order! ~Laura
I had a friend that ate at one of these once and we never saw him again. FACT.
“Hasn’t washed his hands since he watched an el porno the night before.” LMAO! No problemo. Just bring some germ-x or purell with you and hand it to the cook saying, “Do you mind?” If that doesn’t work say, “Yo tango lachuga en mis pantaloonas”. (I have lettuce in my pants.) That ALWAYS works for me in Mexican restaurants!