Everyone needs a fleet of flying monkeys to rip the stuffing out of the annoying people in their lives

— Laura

I’m just like Martha Stewart, if Martha Stewart was anti-domestic, had better hair, and wasn’t an ex-con

By Laura On March 28, 2010 · 21 Comments

You know how you ask someone “How was your weekend?” and instead of them saying “Fine, how was yours?” they start telling you some boring ass story about some boring ass shit that happened over their weekend and you’re kind of trapped like an animal listening to them and nodding your head and all you want to do is chew your leg off so that you can run away? That’s what my “Retarded Pictorial Series” is like. Enjoy.

Retarded Pictorial Story of Something That Happened Today

While I was cleaning my house I felt industrious and made Red Velvet Cupcakes.

Red Velvet Cake Batter

As they were cooling I sat down on the couch and fell into a Lemon Pledge induced coma and my cat Traxler licked off the top of three cupcakes.

Red Velvet Cupcakes

I iced them anyway and took them to J’s house.

Red Velvet Cupcake

Fin.

Shit. Maybe I shouldn’t have told this story.

Now here’s a picture from Jan of Cascade Exposures of a baby pygmy goat trying to chew it’s leg off.

21 Comments

21 Responses to I’m just like Martha Stewart, if Martha Stewart was anti-domestic, had better hair, and wasn’t an ex-con

linlah says:

March 28, 2010 at 11:25 am

I may have chewed my leg off just reading that and now I can’t run away.

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dogette says:

March 28, 2010 at 11:26 am

Don’t worry, J WILL NEVER KNOW. Mum’s the word, girlfriend.
Or maybe he will notice. Maybe he’ll be sitting there eating his third cupcake and he’ll say, “Laura, how come you aren’t having any cupcakes?” And then you’ll say, “Oh, I made them special for you Mister McBee.”
I hope someone is old and saw the movie “The Beguiled.” Laugh damn you, laugh!
*** Clint was damn sexy in that flick. ~Laura

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Dave Merriman says:

March 28, 2010 at 1:43 pm

Don’t worry about posting this. By the time J reads it, the cupcakes will be gone and he won’t have any evidence.
Besides, they (presumably) didn’t kill the cat.

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Doni says:

March 28, 2010 at 2:12 pm

You should write a cook book… “What to make for that office party”….
*** I know, right?! I thought about taking them in to work. ~Laura

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Wendy says:

March 28, 2010 at 2:27 pm

If you would have posted the recipe, it would have made this particular blog post worth reading. Then I got to the pygmy goat gnawing its leg off, and all was well.
But will you post the recipe?
You know I’m kidding, I hope. Since I found your blog, I’ve been reading archives and really enjoying it.
*** I never know who’s kidding. I was about to post the recipe but then I remembered it was Duncan Hines. My cat can vouch that it’s good. ~Laura

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Joan of Argghh! says:

March 28, 2010 at 3:36 pm

I blame all the domestication shit on Spring. I’ve gardened and cooked all weekend.
Home made Tamales and Enchiladas Suizas for lunch today. Tamales are a LOT of work! But then, the J.R. did the taxes. First time EVER having to file state taxes. Damn!!
***Oooo pictures and recipes next time of those tamales and enchiladas! ~Laura

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Joan of Argghh! says:

March 28, 2010 at 3:36 pm

I was gonna say, I think doing taxes made the J.R. want to chew his leg off. I fed him tamales instead.

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Doni says:

March 28, 2010 at 4:42 pm

Laura, What is that first pix of? I cant figure it out and its driving me crazy…
*** Cake batter. Yeah, boring. lol ~Laura

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Doni says:

March 28, 2010 at 5:24 pm

That was the obvious answer but it didn’t quite look like cake batter. I think to much…never mind.
** Okay. I will bring you a cupcake tomorrow. LOL! ~Laura

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Doni says:

March 28, 2010 at 5:54 pm

Ummmmmmmmm that’s OK you can give them to J….. or Traxler.

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Headless Guy says:

March 28, 2010 at 7:00 pm

Laura, dare to dream… A pygmy T-Rex: http://www.reuters.com/article/idUSTRE62P0BQ20100326
*** IH MY GOD! I would want one. ~Laura

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J says:

March 28, 2010 at 7:52 pm

Well this is a hell of a way to find out. Do I need a distemper shot now?

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Doni says:

March 28, 2010 at 8:28 pm

GOD “J” I JUST SPIT MY MERLOT ALL OVER THE PLACE!! LMAO

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Gargs the Stalker says:

March 29, 2010 at 12:52 am

Here is another link for you. Dogs dressed as Lady GaGa.
http://www.buzzfeed.com/mjs538/dogs-dressed-as-lady-gaga

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Jennifer says:

March 29, 2010 at 4:53 am

Poor J! LOL But it is funny. lol

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patti says:

March 29, 2010 at 6:19 am

I went to an opera and wanted to chew my leg off so I could get away.
Didn’t bake anything – but I ate something.
No baby goats, but my stupid horse tried to break all of her legs…

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dogette says:

March 29, 2010 at 8:13 am

Whoa, I thought that first pic was like, a vat of naval jelly. Remember, I don’t cook. Heh.

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Jan says:

March 29, 2010 at 11:58 am

Hmm, a pygmy T-Rex sounds like a lot of fun, but even at 1/3 the size of a normal one, that’s still almost 15 feet long (and still probably has teeth bigger than your thumb). You’d need even more acreage than you would for a goat. It would probably eat all of your goats, but on the plus side, it’s the perfect size for siccing on crazy neighbors.
*** Might make it worth owning. Bet insurance premiums will be pretty high though. ~Laura

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SB Smith says:

March 30, 2010 at 12:17 am

Ahh…The Beguiled…what a classic. Your red velvet cupcakes made me hungry. Well,…except for your cat licking the tops of them. But you’re right, no one would notice that with icing on top.
That baby pygmy goat is so cute I can’t stand it.

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Pat says:

March 30, 2010 at 10:11 am

“J” should know by now that eating anything you made comes with a little adventure, right?

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Becky says:

April 6, 2010 at 8:28 pm

What’s a little feline saliva? It never hurt anyone that I know of. tee hee

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