I do my weekly grocery shopping early Sunday morning. I go then because there are less people and that makes me happy. This doesn’t mean I get to avoid people completely. I don’t know about everyone else, but it never fails that when I do my major grocery shopping I always have to deal with some self-absorbed asshole who blocks the aisle or gets too close to me while I’m searching for the new Springtime Oreos. I call these people my “Grocery Store Nemesis.” They are my sworn enemy. Sunday I met the Lex Luther of all my Grocery Store Nemesis. Every single aisle I turned into, there she was blocking the way. If I stopped to look at something, she was there wanting to look at the same thing. This happened in every aisle of the store. And she even looked evil. She wore a pink baseball cap and had a look on her face that could best be described as “smelling shit.”
I didn’t see her as I headed for the checkout. Thank God. I was unloading my groceries, and was in front of my cart placing items on the belt and then BAM! there she was in line right behind me. Her cart was so close to mine there was no slipping around and getting behind it again. Well played, Shit Smelling Lady. I looked at her and she looked at me. I heard the theme to “The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly” in my head. I then thrust my cart back so it hit hers. Her eyes narrowed. My eyes narrowed, and between clinched teeth I said “Excuse me” all Clint Eastwood like. Well in my head it was. She reluctantly moved her cart back. I could feel the glare of her eyes on the back of my neck. After the cashier rang my stuff up I made certain I stood by the credit card machine a bit too long. Take that Shit Smelling Lady. You have to wait while I place the receipts carefully in my wallet and slowly put the wallet in my purse. Ha. I then thanked the bagboy and casually strolled out of the store.
I loaded the groceries into my car and as I was starting it up I spied Shit Smelling Lady exiting the store. My eyes narrowed and aloud in my car I said to no one, “Till we meet again, Shit Smelling Lady. Till we meet again.”
Now here’s a picture of goats wearing pink chains taken by Jan at Cascade Exposures.
P.S. You all probably think I spent all of my weekend at grocery stores because I wrote about an experience with a serial killer at The Fresh Market on Saturday on Advice Asylum. I went to The Fresh Market to get rotisserie chicken. Their rotisserie chicken is so good, I would marry it if it was legal. Wait. I live in the South. It may be.16 Comments