Everyone needs a fleet of flying monkeys to rip the stuffing out of the annoying people in their lives

— Laura

No, this hasn’t turned into a food blog. But if you complain it will be. It’ll be food, goats, T-Rex, and Clooney 24/7 all up in here. Wait. It already is. Nevermind.

By Laura On March 17, 2010 · 14 Comments

Strawberries are my favorite fruit. Trouble is, the strawberries you buy in the store aren’t very good. As a matter of fact, they majorly suck. It’s really hard to get sweet strawberries anymore. But I have no problems because for a few years now I’ve been using Miracle Berry Fruit Tablets.

You let one tablet dissolve on your tongue and anything sour will taste magnificently sweet. Seriously. I use them before eating strawberries and grapefruit mostly. They make strawberries taste like the best you’ve ever eaten with no sugar or sweetener needed. The effects wear off in like an hour or less. I personally never timed it; I’m too busy chowing down on berries and fruit like a stoned spider monkey.

Don’t let the Asian writing scare you. I had them tested first in a lab before I even tried them. They’re perfectly safe. And by “had them tested first in a lab” I mean I hid like 10 of them in J’s peanut butter sandwich and then watched for seizures, paralysis, sudden blindness and shit. What doesn’t kill him makes me stronger.

P.S. Nobody paid me for recommending these tablets. And that’s fucked up. Someone should pay me something. Even if it’s in goats. Baby pygmy goats to be exact. Yeah. Fuckers.

P.P.S. You know what? Don’t even try these tablets. Not until the cheap bastards cough up some cash. Or goats.

14 Comments

14 Responses to No, this hasn’t turned into a food blog. But if you complain it will be. It’ll be food, goats, T-Rex, and Clooney 24/7 all up in here. Wait. It already is. Nevermind.

Doni says:

March 17, 2010 at 4:55 am

…….HAPPY ………………ST.PATRICKS ……………….DAY…..
*** Same………to………ya…….. ~Laura

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Jennifer says:

March 17, 2010 at 5:13 am

I want that colander!! Where’d you get it?
I tried those tablets before- they work! It’s amazing really. I’m going to order some. Along with one of those colanders if you tell me where! You have neat kitchen stuff.
*** It’s a Martha Stewart Collection colander-
http://www.amazon.com/Martha-Stewart-Collection-Blue-Colander/dp/B000TJ4F4O/ref=combo_pack_i_2
I don’t know if they make this green anymore- I didn’t see it. ~Laura

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mary beth says:

March 17, 2010 at 6:32 am

I like it being food, goats, T-Rex and Clooney 24/7. I’m going to have to try those tablets.

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Mark in IT says:

March 17, 2010 at 6:45 am

“What doesn’t kill him makes me stronger.” This made me laugh- reminded me of my wife’s philosophy.

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LeeAnn says:

March 17, 2010 at 6:54 am

I hate to tell you this, because you might take it into your head vis a vis stabbiness, but my idiot fundamentalist BIL, the one with the two goats, is now talking about EATING one. Seriously. I am boycotting that entire side of the family. I hope this doesn’t induce a fit of must-stab in you. I hope it doesn’t enrage you to the point you cannot rest until you remove his moronic ass from this earth on behalf of all goats.
(address available upon request)
*** WTF?? I do voodoo too. Did they raise them as pets to start with? That’s fucked up. You must rescue it. ~Laura

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Nicole says:

March 17, 2010 at 7:20 am

Have never heard of those tablets. Might have to try some – I hate store bought strawberries. Never good.
Heard a story yesterday on the news about how goats are going up in value due to their scarcity since they are viewed as food by “ethnic minorities.” The Dept of Ag is working on how to bribe farmers to raise more goats. Maybe you could buy some up and start a halfway house for goats.
***YES! I wish I could! ~Laura

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dogette says:

March 17, 2010 at 7:46 am

Goat futures. Just sayin’.
See, you said recently all you ever do on your site is bitch about stuff and act insane but how come you don’t get psycho-boyz analyzing your psyche like I do? (“You, sir or madam, sound bitter.”) And I’m all WTFLOLWUT and shit, sir, or madam. “Sir or madam” is going to be my phrase of the day, I just decided.
Thank you, Sir or Madam.
***Yeah, but I get death wishes and people pointing out what I should and shouldn’t blog about! ~Laura

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dogette says:

March 17, 2010 at 8:28 am

You should totally blog about people who tell you what to blog about, and call them “Sir or Madam” when you do it.
*** I think I shall. ~Laura

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Headless Guy says:

March 17, 2010 at 12:05 pm

Per your recommendation I purchased a package of the Miracle Berry Fruit Tablets from a reputable distributor located in southern Laos – the de facto pharmaceutical capital of the Eastern hemisphere. I couldn’t wait for their arrival. I have been dying to dig into a luscious basket of blueberries I purchased at a highway stand sometime back in Q4 ’07 (might have been ’06) which I had very cleverly hid in the back of my fridge. Last time I tasted them they seemed a bit pungent so imagine my joy over your timely suggestion. Anyway, I followed the directions to a T and just as I was about to dig in to my bowl of delight, I just happened to glance at the small print on the side of the package. It stated the following:
Please consult a physician if you experience any of the following side effects:
• Irritability and short tempers
• Hostility
• Homicidal impulses
• Rapid loss of mental clarity
• Amnesia
• Kidney failure
• Diarrhea
• Muscle aching and weakness
• Tingling or cramping in the legs
• Inability to walk
• Problems sleeping
• Constipation
• Impaired muscle formation
• Erectile dysfunction
• Temperature regulation problems
• Nerve damage
• Mental confusion
• Liver damage and abnormalities
• Neuropathy
• Destruction of CoQ10, a vital nutrient for health
Should I be worried?
*** Ha! Ha! No, not at all. I have a lot of those symptoms and I’m a’ight. As a matter of fact you better take 2 tablets, since those blueberries are so old. ~Laura

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Steve J. says:

March 17, 2010 at 2:46 pm

I’ve tried those tablets before too. The effect is pretty amazing. I ate whole lemons and they were like the nectar of the Gods.

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zombie mom says:

March 17, 2010 at 3:36 pm

I wonder if I could give them to the kids and convince them that broccoli is really a fruit. They already like to suck on lemons- so no gain there. Plus its too much fun to watch them scrunch up their faces into dour little lemon pouts.
I should totally hand packets of those out to clients – I am sure I can come up with a marketing spin.

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CGHill says:

March 17, 2010 at 7:37 pm

I’d say something here, but I once ate a Fizzies tablet, which pretty much demonstrates my lack of taste and/or discretion.

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Kim says:

March 17, 2010 at 8:58 pm

Would these work for dogturd kisses? Or okra? But, why waste them on okra. I’m just trying to be a good wife. That colander would sit out on my island with rotting fruit just because it looks good.Who cares about fruit? I’m all about the face.

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karen says:

March 19, 2010 at 12:33 pm

Holy shit! “What doesn’t kill him makes me stronger” made me laugh sooo hard.
I am sure that laughing this hard so soon after surgery isn’t good. Do you carry some sort of insurance?
*** Oh noes! Don’t bust any sutures, girl! ~Laura

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