Everyone needs a fleet of flying monkeys to rip the stuffing out of the annoying people in their lives
— Laura
I still have rabies. And something about having rabies makes me bitter and petty. Well okay, I guess I should say it makes me more bitter and petty. Remember that Facebook account I have where people from back home “friended” me then basically ignored me? Yeah, the account where that one fucker even “unfriended” me. Well, I’m redoing it. I am inventing an exciting life where I live in an exciting city, have a fabulous career, tons of marvelous friends and loads of money. I am busy now stealing pictures of other people’s fabulous lives and putting them in my photo album. I think I will randomly post little statuses about my traveling to exotic locations and hobnobbing with the rich and famous. I may even create new accounts and invent some friends who will comment back with things like meeting me for Carnival in Rio this year. Shit like that. Right now I announced that I will be flying all my friends to my summer estate this July for a pool party. Here’s the photo I posted:
Those fuckers will rue the day they ever ignored me.
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19 Responses to I don’t want to spoil the surprise, but there will be a Velveeta fountain at my fancy cement pond party
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LMAO! OMG that’s Richie Rich’s house!!! I didn’t know you bought it! That will teach those fuckers!
*** Yes! It is the Biltmore Estate. Houses were cheap this year, so I bought a few with my pocket change. ~Laura
I have a couple people who ignored me on there too and I definitely think you should include them on your “not invited to the pool party” list. Bitter. Petty. FTW.
*** Done. Who the hell do they think they are? ~Laura
Yeah! you can do exotic things like Champaign fountains all around the pool.. or maybe have a PMS party every month and fill the pool with chocolate martini’s. and have MPG running all around to encourage peace and tranquillity. Maybe a couple chain saws….for those who hate peace and tranquillity. Hey… I have a blow up pool. we could really do that… you’d have to keep the pool toys small though!
*** Oh, I think a Velveeta fountain is fancier- have you priced cheese lately? Government doesn’t give that shit out anymore. And at the inflatable pool party I’ll have everybody wear water wings too. ~Laura
I want to go to a Velveeta fountain pool party. It’s on my Bucket List.
*** Then when I have one I will invite you. ~Laura
A Velveeta fountain! What an excellent and tasty way to get all of your sodium intake in one sitting! And I think Doni has the proper atmosphere down pat – an inflatable pool and a Velveeta fountain – made for each other.
*** I will send you an invite since you don’t ignore me! ~Laura
I’ll only come to the pool party if my cats are invited, too.
I’ll, uh, pass on the PMS parties, though.
*** Yes, of course the cats are invited. And good idea passing on the PMS party. We would use you as the pinata. ~Laura
Ah, the Inn at Biltmore – right here in my own humble back yard. I had no idea we were neighbors
I’m pretty sure you should have room for a whole herd of baby pygmy goats there at the estate. And minions, lots and lots of minions.
*** Girl, you should visit sometime! Yes, my groundskeeper is readying the fields for my herd of goats as I type this. I still need minions. ~Laura
Wow – I must say you do know how to party right. Velveeta fountain! Most Excellent! I would never have thought of it.
You will have those former “friends” tearing out their hair trying to figure out how to get an invite from you. It will be THE party of the year.
Will there be stabbing games? Something like a pinata, but with knives instead of sticks?
*** The Ginseng Pinata Party is in the fall. ~Laura
Okay, I’m really pissed now! I tried to join Facebook so that I too could have people unfriend me, just like you guys… Well, thos a-holes who run that sham social site told me I couldn’t even have a Facebook account because, get this, “According to our rules, you have to have a face.” WTF? What a bunch of A-holes! Please include the entire Facebook management team at you pool party. Bastards! Hypocrites!
*** HA! I really do think you should get a FB page and post all about the hardship of life without a head. You know, post pics of your headless family and headless dog. Stuff like that. Start a support group too. ~Laura
Somehow, I think being the pinata at a PMS party would be the BEST I could hope for.
Just imagine the amount of baby pygmy goats you can have at that place!
***I could form a baby pygmy goat army and take over the world~ ~Laura
You know you have arrived when you have enough cash to have a Velveeta fountain. Now that you have done it, everyone is going to want one.
Your fountain should be custom built and have little spewing pygmy goat heads around the main bowl. They would spit the Velveeta. I can picture it. It would look cool.
***I will now always be remembered as the goat lady. Beats cranky-ass-stabbing- bitch though I guess. Well, no it doesn’t. ~Laura
You’ll always be the cranky stabby goat lady to me, Laura.
I just love the idea of a Velveeta fountain. It makes mere Cheez Whiz seem cheezy, and not in a good way either.
I dreamed about Velveeta cheese fountains last night…. OMG I had to have a grilled cheese for breakfast.
Looks like you have room in your driveway for my truck and trailer. heh heh. Trailer trash is invited, right? We probably still have one of those long forks to cook hot dogs over the fire. We could stick a couple of dogs on that baby and shove it in the Velveeta cheese fountain and get us some cheese dogs. Yep. Sounds good to me. Count us in!
Please can I borrow this picture for my Facebook account? My sisters friends and their constant “Cant wait for Coachella/Vegas/Pool Party/ Big Ass London DJ in LA not London Ha Ha Fuck You Alison party postings are srsly pissing me OFF.
****Sure Alison, take it! ~Laura
Are you sure you weren’t teasing us with a picture of your servants’ quarters there ?…
Can we see a picture of “The Big House” ?