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I always thought I was a “people person” until J explained to me that that didn’t mean a person that wanted to stab most people, so I took it off of my resume | Fetch My Flying Monkeys
Everyone needs a fleet of flying monkeys to rip the stuffing out of the annoying people in their lives
— Laura

I trust most of you survived The Great Non-Stab List Monday of 2010. As promised here’s this week’s Stab List, one day late:


1. The sales clerk at the MAC cosmetic counter at Belk’s. I went to the counter to get an eye-liner and the chick was applying a thick coat of make-up on her already heavily made-up face. So I waited patiently, actually intrigued that so much make-up could be worn by an individual NOT in a circus. So she turned to me as if she was annoyed and said “Can I help you?” I asked for the liner, and without lifting the pencil lip liner held to her lips she said “I think we’re out of that.” I stood there expecting her to, I don’t know, GO LOOK. She just continued applying her make-up! I just laughed and said “Fuck this, I’ll come back when the manager is here” and leaned in to make a big deal of reading her name tag “TARA.” She just continued applying her make-up. STAB!


2. The lady with the baby in her cart at the grocery store who made a production out of baby talking LOUDLY to it THE WHOLE TIME SHE WAS SHOPPING. I think this bothers me so because these women make a BIG PRODUCTION of doing it. They are like “Oh, look what a wonderful Earth Mother I am! I talk to my child!” Lady, the only way that would impress me is if you spoke Klingon to the kid. Because that would be fucking cool.


3. Conan O’Brien AND Jay Leno. Who the hell cares? I don’t. I have to work a REAL job and I can’t stay up to watch either of you. I’m sure you both have enough money so that even your great-great grandchildren will never have to work. Go away.


4. AARP. They are sending me literature! Fuck you AARP! I am still young and vibrant. (Shut. The. Hell. Up.) You are confused, AARP.


5. Drama Queens who don’t even know that they’re Drama Queens. This is Attention Whore Month so they need to know it’s ALL about me, not them.


6. I want to stab J because he called me laughing, saying he just heard on the television that George Clooney was getting married to that WHORE. I screamed “YOU LIE YOU SONOFABITCH!” And he laughed harder saying it was true. I hung up on him and may or may not have collapsed into a pool of my own tears. I’m not saying.

22 Comments
 

22 Responses to I always thought I was a “people person” until J explained to me that that didn’t mean a person that wanted to stab most people, so I took it off of my resume

  1. When I run into gits like the clerk, I’m perfectly willing to locate a management type and give them an A-1 class ass-chewing for letting said clerk act that way.
    I, too, could give a rat’s ass about Jay/Conan. Ditto any other “celebrity”.
    I LITERALLY had to tell AARP to fuck off and leave me alone, they were sending so much crap. Not that I’m abashed about my advancing age, but simply because I disagree with so many of their positions.
    No, don’t stab J. Wait ’til he’s in the shower, then flush the commode (or cause other sudden cold-water pressure drop).

  2. Annette says:

    Silly Laura. Everyone knows that you teach your child Vulcan before Klingon. And once they’ve grasped those languages, you start with binary.

  3. Nicole says:

    I just figured out why I like your stab lists. And it took seeing STAB in caps for me to get it. STAB backwards is BATS and I love bats.
    ** I LOVE bats. I think they are adorable! And I love baseball bats too! They make excellent weapons. ~ Laura

  4. Jim - PRS says:

    I speak Jive. Can I help?

  5. Maeve says:

    I always thought my child’s first words would be “fuck” and “goddamn it”.
    The speech thereapist did not find it humours when I told her she could install those buttons on my son’s “go talk” device because those were going to be the words he knew best.
    I still want more cool crap.

  6. patti says:

    1 – STAB (and I don’t even wear make up)
    2 – Oh T-REX I hate women like that (and I’m even a mommy)
    3 – Ditto
    4 – A men, and I hope one of them call me some time so I can bless them well
    5 – Drama Queens? who’s a drama queen?
    6 – Hide J
    And just cause the others have forgotten
    COOL CRAP FOR ME PLEASEY

  7. patti says:

    :( my cool comment about your cool crap and how much I want it disappeared. Dogette’s rabies has spread to your blog.

  8. dogette says:

    I’ll NEVER join AARP. Srsly, they suck and I disagree w their political agenda. Lately I’ve been stuffing their crap back into their postpaid envelopes and mailing it back to them so they pay for postage and have to fuck w the envelope and all. My little act of rebellion. I plan to continue this well into my 90s.
    Clooney married the HO?! WTF? If you need grief counseling I’m here for you.

  9. CGHill says:

    I am neither young nor vibrant, but the hell with AARP anyway. Damn letters don’t even stand for anything anymore.

  10. schambers says:

    I like Dave’s idea. I like it so much I’m going to do it to my husband. The great thing is, I can do it for years. You can only stab them so many times before you have to get a new one.
    Cool crap please.

  11. Jennifer says:

    NO NOT GEORGE! OMG you’ll go into mourning if thats true and we won’t get any stab lists or rabies updates or T-Rex sightings!! NOOOOOOOOOOO THIS WILL NOT DO!

  12. Kimberly K. says:

    I love your Stab Lists! I WAS suicidal Monday when it didn’t appear, but watching a doxie climbing steps calmed me the fuck down and life was worth living again.

  13. Doni says:

    Just calm the fuck down… you know George will NEVER get married….he’s worth too much. He knows these WHORE’s are just gold diggers and he is using them “UP”. When he is done with one another one comes along. He has eyes for every Whore in town but his heart belongs to you Laura…..unlike that JDWNEOM. CC Want.

  14. Joe the Blog Stalker says:

    God help us all if he ever decides to marry.
    I too can’t stand to hear these women talking all loud to their babies. When you’re that loud it’s all for show. You just know they take them home and put them in a dresser drawer upstairs.

  15. LeeAnn says:

    In contrast to the demonspawn at MAC, I found the sales-chicky at Sephora to be sweet and attentive… so much so she INSISTED I let her do a makeover on me RIGHT AWAY because obviously I’d left the house looking like a badger-gnawed leper. I returned home looking like a cheap and dirty whore. Perhaps this will garner George Clooney’s attention and then I can helpfully direct him to you and then I can finally HAVE YOUR COOL CRAP!
    Jesus, woman. *weeping with frustration*

  16. zombie mom says:

    ahh all is right in the world- the stab list is back. The customer unservice thing kills me… and as for the Mom’s I hate them too But I am a bad parent that way…
    BTW – I still want your cool crap

  17. dogette says:

    Joe The Blog Stalker, that was teh funny.
    Oh hell, you’re ALL funny.
    Laura you have some very good commenters. I want to swipe some of them. Or borrow them commenters. Come toward the liiiiiiight, there is peaaaace in the liiiiight, all my chiiiildren are welcome here.

  18. kate says:

    First Derek Jeter and now George Clooney?!? Why, God?? WHYYYYYYYYYY??

  19. Mark in IT says:

    Great title.
    You would think J would know better by now.

  20. gatorgirl4325 says:

    Oh, this list was worth waiting for!!!
    The comments really do add to the whole experience. There are many funny people here.
    BTW – when I comment here I comment at Dogette’s – all of you funny people should do the same!!!

  21. Lex says:

    1) I hate shit like that, i would stab her twice and then make fun of her clown makeup. and that is actually the reason i don’t shop at mac anymore.
    2)maybe she (the mother) is special?
    3)TEAM CONAN!!!!!!!!
    4)what is AARP?
    5)you mean whiny bitches?
    6)naw.. you need to do something better then stab him, you need some good old fashioned revenge for J!

  22. alison says:

    stab
    stab stab..
    stab stab..rolls eyes, STAB. STAAAAAAB.
    Thanks I feel better now

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